The Lioness Awakens

by Lauren Eden

  SNARE

  I leave knots in my hair

  as a snare

  for the men who run

  their fingers through it

  expecting me to be

  silken and behaved.

  One good girl

  and their hand

  is mine

  like a Venus flytrap

  that’s captured Mars.

  WRITTEN

  You would’ve liked me better

  five years ago. I didn’t like

  myself much. I was an

  outline, colored in by boys

  who couldn’t keep between

  the lines—a piece of paper

  with a rough sketch, drawn

  by an unsteady hand that

  knew nothing about art,

  even less of the power I had

  inside me to be an artist. I

  only knew survival. I only

  knew how to fold up small.

  And so I folded. I became a

  paper plane, when I

  should’ve been a swan, one

  that would fly right out of

  here, only to return at

  moonlight crumpled into a

  ball, small enough to sleep

  inside a man’s palm, if one

  was open for me—his legs

  crossed over mine like

  scissors; rocks in my head.

  Always choosing men who

  wanted to make something

  out of me. Because there was

  no writing on my wall yet,

  only loud graffiti painted

  by territorial men wanting

  to claim me.

  You would’ve liked me better

  five years ago. You would’ve

  been exactly my type. But

  now I am written. Clearly. In

  bold. I cry in italics. I am

  love, underlined. My words

  lean in so closely to hear

  what I’ve got to say next,

  there is not enough space

  to slip yours between them.

  The years have unfolded me.

  I have been told.

  INTOLERANCE

  Boy,

  you can certainly

  hold your liquor

  but love

  that is one intoxicant

  you don’t seem to have

  the stomach for.

  SPOTLIGHT

  It doesn’t excite me

  to be desired

  in a sneaky sideways

  glance.

  Not when I know

  how it feels

  to have a man

  unable to take

  his eyes off of me.

  PUDDLES

  He tells me

  my eyes look

  like oceans

  and I tell him

  they are just puddles

  that too many dirty feet

  have splashed in.

  REBELLIOUS

  He says

  I’m easy on the eyes

  but hard to swallow.

  Simple lips

  but tough talk

  like meat stuck in molars

  and maybe

  that will keep

  the sheep at bay

  while the wolves can play

  howling at the moon

  in honor of her

  rebellious cycles—

  him, still flirting

  with the stars

  and all of her

  pretty likenesses.

  DIGNITY

  I can try to convince you of many things

  but loving me will not be one of them.

  PORTRAIT OF A LADY

  You thought I would always be there

  hanging

  like a portrait

  on your wall

  wearing

  a cracked smile

  with eyes

  that never leave you

  but I was never

  the kind of girl

  to sit idly on a couch

  waiting for a man to be done

  despite your insistence

  for me to be painted

  in that way.

  CLOTH

  Wife material. I’ve heard this

  term since I reached

  puberty. Since boys started

  taking an interest in me

  and my mother noticed.

  And I’ve always wondered—

  what kind of texture is wife

  material? Is it papery like

  the ancient texts that

  celebrate it? Is it crispy

  like the carrots and

  broccoli she prepares for

  Sunday roast? Silky like the

  negligees she wears in bed

  to seduce her husband?

  I’ve always known that I

  wasn’t cut from the same

  cloth. Mine is made from

  the thorn of dandelion.

  Crusty and tough like the

  misbehaving moon. Coarse

  and sinewy like meat that

  gets stuck between your

  teeth. I am not a soft

  landing. I will leave a scar.

  But you will have a story to

  tell around the campfire.

  DIFFICULT

  They tell me I’m difficult

  as though I am only

  making it harder

  for myself.

  But I’m not.

  Being difficult

  has always

  come easily to me.

  MOTHER

  A strange thing happens

  when a woman tells a man off

  for his bad behavior.

  He shuts up. He apologizes.

  She becomes his mother.

  COMPLICATED

  You’re only complicated to a man

  who simply wants to fuck you.

  DREAMCATCHER

  They tell me

  to live my dreams

  as though it is simple

  to a woman

  who wakes each morning

  tangled and half-strangled

  in her dreamcatcher.

  I’m just trying not to be my worst nightmare.

  CHOSEN

  I’m not impressed

  when a man tells me he wants me

  when he asks me out on a date

  when he tells me

  I’m pretty—

  the sun shines on me

  every damn day I wake

  each moment I hear life

  breathing in and out of me

  I know that I was chosen.

  JACQUELINE IN A BOX

  With my passions quelled

  I fell into my mold

  like a Girl Scout cookie

  to be sold to the mothers of sons

  with eyes like the devil.

  Crumbling to the world

  and its demands to behave

  like some pretty,

  ready-made doll thing

  out of a box

  winding me up in ways

  that told them I was beyond

  saving

  but no one puts

  Jacqueline in a box

  without getting a little scared.

  SPICE

  I take men with a pinch of salt these days;

  it is women who have the sugar.

  VALIDATED

  The moment you were born,

  your presence was validated.

  You don’t need a second opinion.

  ASS–ONISTS

  I am not responsible

  for putting out the fires

  kindled by men who can’t

  control their matchsticks.

  DEVOUR

  I don’t take small bites.

  I either devour you

  or I push the plate away.

  SETTLED

  Every time I think

  I’ve settled the score,

  I r
ecount the tally

  and I am always

  just a little behind.

  I am always

  one man away

  from being settled.

  NINE LIVES

  SHADOW

  My mother always warned me

  about the tall, dark stranger.

  She never told me

  she was talking about

  my shadow.

  GHOST

  They tell me I am cold

  and I beg them,

  please be patient.

  I am a haunted house

  trying so very hard

  to be a home.

  LANTERNS

  I wake up angry,

  each day

  cut out for me

  into shreds,

  and I make lanterns—

  paper lanterns

  to hang

  before the moon

  pulls me back

  into her shadows,

  dawn searching for me

  like a flashlight,

  and I have to begin

  all over again.

  TERMINAL

  He said,

  Tell me how I can help.

  I said,

  Just make me comfortable.

  This pain is terminal.

  MISTRESS

  Sadness was always

  the mistress between us.

  I’m sorry I could never get her to leave.

  BREATHE

  That hardness

  that coldness

  lodged

  in the center of me

  is a thousand tears

  I could not cry

  and one day

  I will cry every

  single one of them

  and I will learn

  to breathe again.

  PERSPECTIVE

  Life is short,

  they say.

  Life is short

  like a quick burst of light

  and maybe so

  for the ones

  who have not lived days

  as long and dark

  as shadows.

  NUMB

  Nobody ever told me

  that feeling nothing

  would be the most

  exhausting feeling of all.

  EVERYTHING

  I said,

  I’ve been hurt in ways

  your mind doesn’t want

  to think about,

  and your heart—

  I’m afraid what I tell you

  will blow it out like a candle

  and you will find out just what

  real darkness feels like.

  So stand there in the doorway

  with that slow, sleepy smile

  and tell me again

  that you want to know

  everything about me.

  PARAPHRASES

  I am learning to tell

  my tragic tales

  like comedies

  by changing just

  a few short words.

  Sometimes survival is that simple.

  NURSE ON CALL

  I’ve come back from the dead

  so many times that I don’t struggle

  with the pain.

  I put myself to bed.

  I gather flowers.

  I stroke my own head.

  SOFT SPOTS

  I am the strongest person I know.

  I know all

  my soft spots

  yet still

  don’t have

  the power

  to break me.

  HEXAGONS

  When I flash

  this sweet-as-honey

  smile at you

  please know

  the work I’ve had to put in

  to ordering this mess

  of my heart

  into hexagons.

  RUNNING

  We run

  into arms

  to countries

  to vices

  telling ourselves

  we are searching

  for ourselves

  when really, we’re just running

  running as fast as we can

  before our sadness catches up.

  DEAF

  It was the love

  they all spoke about

  and I had gone deaf.

  WORN

  Love knocked on my door to play today

  and I gave her an apology.

  I didn’t make an excuse.

  I didn’t say

  I had other plans

  or that I simply

  couldn’t.

  I told her the truth:

  I’m tired.

  THE YOUNGEST TIRED PEOPLE

  We were the youngest

  tired people

  you could ever meet

  secret lives hidden under our fingernails

  hurts welded into scars

  living through enough pain

  to be almost dead

  in love with people

  who’d barely felt enough

  to be alive.

  BOULDER

  I want you to know—

  this heavy thing I am carrying—

  not to carry it

  just

  know it.

  TIDY

  You wouldn’t believe the things

  I’ve forgiven people for

  but don’t think I’m kind—

  the way I help sweep up their mess.

  I just prefer to live in a tidy home.

  CANYON

  I had mistaken him

  for all the things I aspired to

  peace

  paradise

  oneness

  but he was simply love

  and I had become so empty

  that love was no longer enough

  to fill me.

  NO CASUALTIES

  We talk about love

  not ruining us anymore

  and our mouths are sad

  our voices whisper

  when we say it.

  Love does not ruin me anymore

  because indeed

  it was rather romantic

  to think about—

  love being the death of us.

  But she is merely an injury

  and we will succumb

  to illness and age

  like the rest of them.

  WATER

  I don’t seek the fire anymore

  but I’ll still

  sit by it some nights

  under moonlight

  with a boy whose eyes

  glow amber like a wolf’s.

  But it is water now

  that calls me

  the frothing river mouth

  the bitter sea

  the quiet bay of my soul

  I bathe in.

  ORIGIN

  Let the heat of your tears remind you

  that they’ve come from a warm place.

  KINDNESS

  Just as a bee dies

  after it stings

  so does a part of us

  each time we choose

  hurt over honey.

  ENDINGS

  Forevers are for princesses

  and endings

  for goddesses.

  They know it’s where

  they begin.

  APOCALYPSE

  Tell me

  as the world is ending

  that there is someone

  worth saving before yourself

  and I will tell you,

  you’re a fool.

  You could’ve saved

  the whole damn world

  when it was alive

  if you had only loved

  yourself that much.

  EVOLUTION

  Anything that doesn’t evolve—

  people

  love

  dreams—

  anything

  that tries to keep still

  while the earth revolves

  gets fl
attened

  next time

  it comes around.

  THE KINDEST THING

  I wouldn’t say

  I am overtly kind

  but inwardly

  I am doing

  the kindest thing

  I can do for this world,

  and that is heal.

  We don’t need any more broken bodies.

  CONFESSIONS

  I confess

  I loved you more

  than I let on

  but you weren’t

  ready for it

  and I wasn’t going

  to pour myself

  into hands

  that couldn’t

  hold me.

  SURRENDER

  Let go.

  Fruit that clings

  to the tree

  rots.

  You taste sweetest when you fall.

  BELIEF

  I’ve lost count

  of how many times

  I’ve looked in the mirror

  and told myself

  it was all going to be okay.

  But I can only count

  on one hand

  how many times

  I have believed it.

  ALONE

  Sometimes the best thing

  that can ever happen to us

  is to feel alone in this world

  because when you make it

  through to the other side

  you will love yourself for it

  in ways

  you only ever gave

  to someone else.

  THE MIDDLE

  I’d only ever left love when it

  ended. But with you, I left

  in the middle. Still in love

  with you. So ever in love

  with you. Packing up my

  things while my heart clung

  to your chest, wailing like

  a child.

  And I don’t know what kind of

  strength the world blessed

  me with in that moment. I’m

  convinced it would’ve been