Lies and Lullabies

by Bowen, Sarina

“Nope,” Vivi corrected me mercilessly. “You call it a chrysalis. Cocoons are for moths. That’s different. A butterfly has a chrysalis. Chrysalis, chrysalis, chrysalis!”

  “Got it.”

  From the kitchen, where she was watching us, I heard Kira snort.

  “And then the next part is boring, because it takes ten days. But when the chrysalis starts to wiggle, you know the butterfly is going to come out. That’s good to watch. Except when the chrysalis breaks open, some stuff that looks like blood drips out, only it’s not called blood, it’s called something else.”

  “What’s it called?”

  “The teacher said, but I forgot. The butterfly is sort of wet for a while after it comes out, and it has to just sit there getting dry before it can fly.”

  “You know,” I told her, “babies are wet when they’re born. But I think a nurse just dries them off with a towel.”

  Even as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I was saying a stupid thing. If I got Vivi going on the topic of babies, then she was bound to ask me where babies come from, and I did not have any fucking clue what people told four-year-olds about that.

  Kira would murder me, probably.

  Vivi opened her little mouth to ask a question, and I braced myself. “Do you like grapes?”

  “What?” I reeled from this abrupt change of topic. “Yeah. Yeah, I like grapes! Especially after someone has made them into wine. Or a nicely aged cognac.” I was blathering like an idiot, and another snort erupted from the other end of the room. But as long as we weren’t talking about babies and vaginas, it was probably okay.

  “Do you want to eat your grapes, Vivi?” Kira called.

  “Yep.”

  Kira set a bowl of grapes at the dining table, and Vivi scampered over there to eat them.

  I got up off the rug, relocating to the sofa. “Kira?” I asked softly. “Can I speak with you for a moment?”

  Her expression was wary, but she made her way over to sit beside me. “What’s up?”

  “Tomorrow night,” I whispered. “I want you and Vivi to come to the concert. And Adam, too.”

  She pursed her lips, causing me to notice how pink and full they were. “Maybe we should wait until…”

  “Until what? Don’t say court, because that’s only a formality. I just want to see you guys.” Since she still looked as if she was searching her brain for a good reason to decline, I kept talking. “I’m staying at the Waterfront, because that’s where the venue is. Why don’t you come at five? That way I can see you before the show. We go on at seven thirty. There wouldn’t be any waiting around—you’d get to your seats right before we play, and afterwards, Ethan would whisk you into a car.”

  “Okay.” She was still frowning. “We’ll give it a shot. But if Vivi asks for beer or a blunt afterward, it’s going to be your fault.”

  I barked out a laugh before I could think better of it, which brought Vivi running. “What?” she wanted to know.

  “Your mama is funny,” I said, rising to my feet. “That’s all.”

  “It’s okay to say someone is funny,” Vivi mused, “but not that they’re funny-looking. Because the teacher will give you a time-out.”

  I held in my laughter this time. But just barely. “I have to go now. Have fun at the park.”

  “You’re not coming to the swings?”

  I shook my head. “I can’t. I have a meeting for work.”

  “Like Uncle Adam.”

  “Yeah, like that.” I took a step closer to Vivi. She reminded me of a little bird, hopping from idea to idea, alighting only briefly here and there. I knelt down again. “I’ll see you soon, Vivi. Maybe tomorrow.”

  My daughter reached out and put her hands on my face, one on each cheek. “Okay.” Her fingertips tickled me.

  Vivi was just so… disarming. Little kids didn’t know all the grownup rules about who you could touch. She didn’t know that you weren’t supposed to say exactly what you wanted, and instead bury your desires under ten layers of self-doubt. Vivi let it all hang out.

  When exactly had I stopped doing that? And why?

  I gave her one more smile, then got up to go.

  Kira followed me to the door, her expression unreadable. “Thank you,” she said, and then her face softened. “I guess we’ll see you tomorrow night.”

  Without thinking, I leaned in and kissed her temple. The moment we connected, I inhaled the citrus scent of her shampoo. It was so familiar that I wanted to weep.

  Kira went absolutely still at my touch. So I lingered a half beat longer than was friendly. But goddamn it, I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her for real. And maybe I would have, but Vivi was right there on the rug, adjusting her dollies.

  “Please come at five,” I said, making myself pull away.

  Kira nodded swiftly, her eyes on her shoes.

  “Goodbye for now, sweetness.” It was an effort to open the door and leave.

  Fourteen

  Kira

  The next text I’d received from Jonas instructed me to go to the check-in desk at the hotel and give them my name. They’ll be expecting you, he’d written.

  Gotcha, I’d replied.

  I got a room for you and Vivi, he’d added.

  No need, I’d quickly tapped out. We’re 20 minutes away.

  I want us to have breakfast together in the morning, he’d argued. The bus leaves at 9. Please stay?

  I had not replied to this message, but I’d packed an overnight bag, anyway. If I changed my mind, I could always grab a taxi and take Vivi home after the show.

  At the hotel, I gave my name to the desk agent. The suite that Jonas had booked was on the club-level floor. “You’ll need to insert your key card into the elevator slot, or the doors will not open on the club level,” the woman at the desk explained in hushed tones.

  “Gotcha,” I said, thinking that it sounded silly. Making something exclusive just for the sake of exclusivity. Vivi yanked on my hand. “Just one more minute, sweetie.”

  “There is a complimentary buffet of snacks and beverages on the club level,” the woman added. “It’s quite useful with kids, actually.”

  Hmm… Maybe I would need to revise my opinion of the club level, after all. “Thank you.”

  The moment we stepped off the elevator, Vivi made a beeline for the snack table. “Cookies!”

  “Don’t touch,” I said automatically. “Let’s get into Jonas’s room, and then we can come back out here and get a snack.”

  When I found the right door, the plaque above it read The Harbor Suite. There was a creamy envelope taped to it, addressed to “K.”

  I removed a note from the envelope. Kira—if we’re not back from sound check, make yourself at home. The double room is for you.

  Instead of swiping the door open, I knocked, then waited nervously. I wished I didn’t feel this way. Hey, I tried to tell myself. It’s no big deal to walk into your rock-star hookup’s hotel penthouse.

  Right.

  Nobody came to the door, and I heard no voices. So I tapped my card against the lock mechanism, and the lock gave way. I opened the door onto a decadent living room.

  “Wow,” Vivi said, marching past me as if she owned the place. “I want this apartment.”

  Hotel room, I nearly corrected her. But really, was there a difference? At one end of the room, in front of a floor-to-ceiling view of Boston Harbor, was a gleaming dining table set for six people. Behind that, a kitchen stood ready. It was as big as the one in our apartment.

  Through one doorway I spotted a king-sized bed with a duffel bag resting on it. The other open doorway led to a room with two queen-sized beds.

  Wow, I thought, echoing Vivi. Somebody liked to throw his money around.

  “Can I have a cookie now?” Vivi asked.

  I set my overnight bag down beside a sleek leather sofa. “Sure. But just one, because it’s almost dinner time.”

  * * *

  After a cookie (and a five-minute unsuccessful plead-a-tho
n for more), I pulled out the book that I’d been reading to Vivi for the past week. I gave myself a mental high-five for packing a distraction good enough to interrupt her survey of the suite, where she’d opened nearly every drawer and cabinet.

  I’d read only one chapter when I heard a tap on the door. Then it opened, and Jonas stuck his head around the door frame. I saw him take us in, curled up on the sofa. When he smiled, my stomach swooped and dived.

  This was why I hadn’t wanted to stay here tonight. We’d spent exactly one night under the same roof together, and it had set quite a precedent.

  But that was all your doing, I reminded myself. So as long as I didn’t throw myself at the guy this time, all would be well.

  “Hi, ladies,” Jonas said, closing the door after entering the room. “I’m sorry I was late.”

  “S’okay,” Vivi said. “There are cookies. But Mama only lets you have one.”

  Jonas grinned. “It’s almost dinner time, though. The food will be here in a few minutes.”

  “Food?” Vivi asked, climbing off the couch. “What kind?”

  “Hmm,” Jonas said, pretending to think. “Ethan said the food had to be stirred up. Like this.” He grabbed Vivi under the arms, then quickly spun her around in a circle.

  Vivi let out a shriek at a pitch that only a little girl can achieve.

  I caught myself smiling, the back of my throat strangely hot. I’d always wondered what the two of them would look like together.

  Happy. That’s how they looked.

  Someone knocked on the door. “Room service!”

  I jumped up to open it, and a bellman rolled a cart into the room.

  Vivi was dizzy. She took a swaying step and crashed into Jonas’s leg. The hand he dropped to her back to steady her was so natural that I couldn’t help but stare.

  “But we already have a table,” Vivi said. “It’s right there.”

  The bellman winked. “Now you have two.” He began placing dishes onto the dining table, arranging the linen napkins and heavy flatware.

  Jonas signed the check. “Enjoy your meal,” the bellman said before bowing out.

  “Hungry?” Jonas asked. “Ethan sent us a few choices.”

  I was not, in fact, hungry. A small fleet of Vivi’s nursery school butterflies were doing a dance in my stomach. But Vivi climbed right up into one of the heavy dining chairs and surveyed the plates. “I like mashed potatoes.”

  “I’ll fix you a plate.” I cut up a piece of chicken for her, adding a good dollop of creamy potatoes.

  I took a second plate and put a tiny amount of food onto it for myself. Jonas sat down on the opposite side of the table, taking nothing but a soda. “Aren’t you eating?” I asked him.

  He shook his head. “Can’t eat before a show. But I’ll make myself a plate, and stick it in that fridge.” He tipped his head toward the kitchen. “Because the later you call room service, the longer it takes.”

  “Ah. If I’d finished that hospitality degree, maybe I could tell you why.”

  His eyebrows lifted. “You switched majors?”

  “Yes. To education. I wanted teachers’ hours.” This conversation did nothing for my nerves. Could it be any more obvious that we didn’t know each other anymore?

  Jonas looked like he wanted to ask another question, but Vivi began talking about sprouting potatoes at school. “You have to use organic ones, because the grocery store ones have chemicals.”

  Vivi to the rescue. And this was how “reasonable visitation” might be survivable. Whenever the conversation got too personal, or when I slipped into the memory of Jonas’s hands on my skin, I would just let Vivi take over the conversation.

  I took a small bite of chicken and reminded myself that tomorrow Jonas would leave town again. He’d come and go from my life, and I would just have to deal with it.

  * * *

  After dinner, Vivi hopped down from her chair and began to tear around. “What’s in here?” she asked, darting into the room with two beds.

  “Well…” Jonas glanced my way. “That’s your room for tonight.”

  A little head came peeping out again. “Really? Yay!” Vivi yelled.

  “Thanks for the subtle invitation,” I scolded. Of course Vivi had already scrambled up onto one of the beds. She was lining up to leap over the four-foot chasm between them.

  “Sorry,” Jonas said lightly. “But you did bring a bag. So I assumed it was settled.”

  I had brought a bag, damn it, but I couldn’t argue with him, because I had to rescue Vivi from making her jump. “Whoa,” I said, rounding the bed to stop her. “This is not a playground, sweetie.”

  Vivi gave a whoop and began to jump up and down. And, yay. Now I looked like the worst mom ever, since Vivi didn’t listen.

  “I wish I could get that excited about hotel rooms,” Jonas said from the doorway. “By July, I’m so tired of little soaps and trying to remember my room number that I just want to cry.”

  Vivi slid off the bed and ran through the living room and into the other bedroom. “What’s in here?”

  I followed in hot pursuit. Vivi was already jumping on Jonas’s king-sized bed. “Vivi, I mean it. Knock it off.” With my luck, we’d end the night in the ER.

  She dropped to her bottom on the bed. “Can I watch TV?”

  “Sure,” Jonas said, at the exact same moment that I said, “No.”

  I shot him another look as he leaned against the door frame. “Actually, she doesn’t watch any TV.”

  “Not ever?” he asked, his eyes wide.

  I shook my head. “We’re just trying to avoid screens until she’s older.” I could’ve cited the scientific research, but it would’ve made me sound like a weirdo.

  “Jonas said I could!” Vivi yelped, grabbing the remote off the bedside table. “We don’t have one at home.”

  “You little trickster,” Jonas said, stepping forward to scoop her up by the hips. “Are you going to listen to your mom?” Slowly, he tilted her little body sideways, until she began to laugh.

  “No.” She giggled. The remote slipped out of her hand and onto the rug.

  Jonas tilted her further, stepping over to the bed. She reached for the surface, squealing. The reversal of gravity made her T-shirt ride up, and he planted a loud raspberry on her belly.

  Vivi howled with laughter, trying to escape his grasp. “I’ll…listen!” she gasped. He released her suddenly, and she fell into a heap on the bedspread.

  He swept the remote off the floor and handed it to me. “Do with this what you will.”

  “This bed is biiiiig!” Vivi hollered, performing a forward somersault on its surface. “I like it. It’s fun to play on.”

  At that, Jonas winked at me, a grin spreading across his mouth. My face flamed.

  “Mama?” Vivi stopped flopping around and sat up.

  “Yes, sweetie?”

  “Harper went to a hotel at Disney World with her mama and her daddy.”

  “Did she?” I braced myself, certain that Vivi was about to ask when it would be her turn to meet Mickey Mouse.

  “Mama? Is Jonas my daddy?”

  My brain short-circuited.

  Across the room, Jonas swiveled around in surprise, his wide eyes asking a question. Well? What now?

  Confused, I just stood there for a moment. So this was happening now? I wasn’t ready! And yet, I didn’t want to lie to Vivi’s face…

  I glanced again at Jonas, giving him a tiny nod.

  That was all the permission he needed. He closed the distance to Vivi, plucking her off the bed and kissing her on the forehead. “You are very, very smart,” he said, his voice husky. “And you are, in fact, my baby girl.”

  “You’re my daddy?” she asked, her little voice reedy. She turned to me for confirmation.

  I didn’t trust my voice. I could only nod and swallow hard.

  “Wow,” Vivi said. “Are you going to live at our house? That would be neat.”

  “Well…” Jonas chuffed
out a laugh and held Vivi close to his chest. His back rose and fell as he tried to control his emotions. “I’m going to see you as much as I can. Your mama and I are trying to figure that out. I live far away.”

  “You could stay in my room,” Vivi offered. “Once, Grandpa slept on my floor. The bed isn’t big. Not like this one.” She wiggled out of his embrace, and Jonas set her gently on the bed, his eyes bright and shiny.

  There were two knocks on the outer door. “Hey, Jojo?” a voice called. It sounded like Ethan. Jonas met my gaze again, uncertain if he should walk away.

  “Go,” I mouthed. I knew that Vivi wasn’t finished with this topic. She’d come at me later with more questions. She’d circle back, always catching me off guard.

  I plucked her off the bed and carried her through the living room and into the other bedroom. Behind me, I heard Jonas take in a deep, steadying breath. Then he went to answer Ethan’s knock.

  I sat down heavily on one of the beds, feeling shaky. Vivi climbed onto my lap. “Love you, Mama.”

  “Love you too, sweetie,” I whispered.

  “Can I watch TV now?”

  “Nope.”

  “Bummer.”

  * * *

  After that, the suite began to fill with people. Band members arrived one by one. They were polite to me and Vivi, but clearly had no idea what to say.

  I was starting to feel like we were in the way when Adam texted me. Where are you? I’m in the lobby.

  Let me figure out how to get you upstairs, I tapped out, relieved that he’d decided to join us. There’s a secret handshake and everything.

  Will this make me cool? Adam returned. I’ve always wanted to be cool.

  We are about as cool as we’re ever going to get. Sad but true, I replied. “Hey, Ethan?” I stopped the big man as he walked by.

  He turned around with a smile. “What do you need?” I got the same greeting he gave everyone tonight. As far as I could tell, his job was to put out everyone’s fires.

  “My brother is in the hotel lobby…”

  “There’s a key card for him at the front desk,” he said immediately. “Under his name.” With a wink, he strode off to answer someone else’s question.