Having You Is Never Enough

by E. L. Todd

“We both know how those types of relationships end—never well. And I’ll be so busy in this accelerated program that I won’t be able to fly out to her every weekend. And I know she won’t always be able to come to me. It just won’t work…”

  “So, that’s it…? You made your decision?”

  “What other choice do I have?”

  “You could talk to Skye about it and see if he she would be willing to live in California for a while.”

  “But she—”

  “I know she wants to run the company. You don’t need to remind me. But I’ve seen you guys together, and despite how stubborn and headstrong she is, I know she would sacrifice anything for you. She loves you, man. Just talk to her first. You can’t make assumptions unless you talk to her.”

  “Too risky…”

  “Risky how?” He shifted his weight to the other foot.

  “I’m afraid she’ll just make me go…but she won’t come with me.”

  “You really think that?”

  “I know how much she loves me…she would always put me first.”

  “So that’s it?” he asked quietly. “Stanford is out of the question?”

  I nodded, feeling the weight settle on my shoulders.

  “Are you going to tell your parents you got in?”

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure yet…”

  Slade crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do…”

  I smiled slightly. “You’re doing enough, Slade.”

  He stood there quietly, looking into the distance but remaining by my side like a faithful companion.

  “What would you do?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “If you were in this situation and you were in love with someone. Would you stay or go?”

  Slade pondered my question for a long moment. I expected him to say that situation would never arise because he would never love anyone else besides himself, but that wasn’t his response. “Stay.” He returned his look to me, his expression thoughtful.

  “You would?”

  He nodded. “I could never leave her—if there was someone to leave. If you find someone that understands you, makes you happy, and makes you love being alive, it wouldn’t make sense to walk away. If you know where you belong, then stay there.” His eyes held a fog but the emotion was bright in his eyes.

  I never heard Slade talk that way. It just convinced me even more that there was someone in his life that he loved but refused to reveal. “Who is she, Slade?” My voice came out as a whisper.

  The defense came into his eyes but he didn’t snap like he normally would. “There is nobody, Cayson. My response is completely hypothetical.”

  “I understand not telling anyone else in the group…but why can’t you tell me? I’m your best friend. I tell you everything—even when you have to drag it out of me.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair in irritation. “Just drop it, okay?”

  “That’s where you were, huh? At her place?”

  Slade’s face turned red.

  “I won’t tell anybody, not even Skye.”

  “Drop it.” The threat was in his eyes. “Seriously, back off.” He held up his hand like I was physically moving toward him.

  I took a deep breath and kept the irritation back. It didn’t make sense why Slade was being so secretive. “Do you think I’m going to think less of you or something? If you found someone you love I would be happy—we all would. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  Slade stepped back, the anger in his eyes. “Look, I will talk when I have something to talk about. If you’re my friend, if you love me, you’ll back off. I mean it.”

  I shut my mouth.

  “I’m sorry about this entire Stanford thing. I wish you could have both because you’re the best guy I know and you only deserve everything you want. If you want to discuss this more, you know where to find me.”

  Did I?

  “But if you’re more interested in where I sleep at night, then I’m going to leave.” He turned his back on me then headed to his car. Without looking at me again, he took off.

  I sighed then walked inside, trying to understand Slade’s behavior. Why would he keep it a secret? What was he hiding? I didn’t understand.

  I headed into my bedroom then opened my nightstand. I stared at the stash of ibuprofen, condoms, and random junk mail inside before I tossed my acceptance letter inside. Then I shut the drawer, deciding to forget about the dream altogether.

  Skye was my dream. And that was enough for me.

  ***

  “Why are you so quiet today?” Skye munched on her fries from across the table.

  I’d been in a thoughtful mood for days. All I could think about was Stanford and Slade’s dismissal of what I knew what true. I couldn’t talk about the first one but I could talk about the second one.

  I put down my burger. “I talked to Slade a few days ago and the conversation keeps echoing in my mind.”

  Her blue eyes were on me. “And what did he say that has stolen your focus?”

  “I know he has a girlfriend, or someone he cares about. I just don’t understand why he won’t talk to me about it. Every time I bring it up he gets defensive, angry. I tell him everything. Why won’t he reciprocate that?”

  “I know that too well…” She gave me a knowing look, mixed with a teasing smile.

  “Like you don’t talk about my junk to your girlfriends,” I teased back.

  She shrugged. “Well, I never have anything but flattering things to say.”

  “Lucky me.” I sipped my soda then rested my elbows on the table. Then I became moody again.

  She picked up on the change. “Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe he isn’t seeing anyone. When he went out with Roland and Conrad they said he hooked up with some girl and stuck his tongue down her throat for half an hour. Would he do that if he had a girlfriend? And then Roland told me he hooked up with that model before that…I think you might be wrong.”

  I shook my head. “I know it doesn’t add up but he said something to me the other day…he talked about loving someone like he knew from personal experience. I know him better than anyone and I know he’s been different. He’s hiding something.”

  Skye didn’t seem convinced. “I’ve known Slade my whole life. I really don’t think there’s someone special in his life. And it doesn’t make sense for him to hide it. Why would he? We tease him for everything else, so why would one more thing be something he would do anything to avoid?”

  She had a point. But I couldn’t shake the feeling. Even when we sat in the library, Slade was different. He was thoughtful, quiet. Perverted jokes no longer streamed out of his mouth in the same volume. He was serious, his eyes clouded over with thought. Whenever pretty girls passed in the hall, he didn’t notice them. Whenever we went to parties, he kept to himself most of the time.

  “I know!” She almost knocked over her soda from the outburst.

  “What?”

  “He’s gay.” Her eyes were wide. “Why else would he hide it? He doesn’t want to be teased for coming out of the closet. He must have a boyfriend and he doesn’t want anyone to know.”

  It made sense…but I just couldn’t picture. “He doesn’t seem gay…”

  “Well, it’s the only theory that makes sense.”

  “But he’s so…not gay. That’s the last thing I would expect. He doesn’t give off that vibe. And if he were, I think he would tell me that, of all people. He knows that knowledge wouldn’t change our relationship.”

  “Think about it, he chases down girls to compensate for the truth. He acts like he can’t get enough to project the image that he’s straight. It all makes sense.” Victory was in her eyes.

  I rubbed my chin, lost in thought. “I guess it’s possible.”

  Conrad and Roland walked inside the burger joint and spotted us.

  “Yo.” Roland was wearing gym clothes and his shirt was stained in sweat. “Just finished a g
ame.”

  “And we’re starving.” Conrad sat beside me while Roland moved to the spot beside Skye.

  Without asking, Roland stole some of Skye’s fries and shoved them down his throat.

  “Hey!” Skye smacked his arm. “Get your own!”

  “Like you paid for those,” Roland snapped.

  “They are still mine,” she snapped.

  “Well, you’ve been getting fat so let me help you out.” Roland stole a few more.

  Skye kicked him under the table.

  “You’re going to have to do better than,” Roland said with a laugh.

  I ignored their sibling rivalry and took another bite of my burger.

  “What’s new with you?” Conrad asked me.

  A lot, actually. “Nothing. You?”

  Roland grabbed Skye’s hair and yanked it hard. “Brat!”

  Skye slapped his shoulder as hard as she could. “Knock it off.”

  I decided to intervene. “Roland, take these.” I put my fries in front of him so he wouldn’t take any more of Skye’s. Sometimes I felt like a parent to the two of them.

  Roland didn’t hesitate and ate them.

  Skye stuck her tongue out at him like a child. Then she returned to eating her food.

  “You’re lucky your boyfriend puts up with your bullshit,” Roland muttered.

  Conrad rolled his eyes. “Here it comes…”

  Skye’s eyes widened and she opened her mouth like she might scream.

  “Silence,” I commanded. “For five minutes.”

  Skye shut her mouth and sighed.

  Roland ate his fries and said nothing.

  Conrad leaned toward me and lowered his voice to a whisper. “How could you possibly want to have sex with her?”

  I ignored the comment and sipped my soda.

  The tension was high.

  “You guys want to hear something funny?” Conrad asked.

  “Please,” I said.

  “Scott says Slade came onto him and he think he’s gay.” He started laughing before he even finished the sentence.

  “Apparently, Slade asked him about every aspect of his life, including his childhood,” Roland said. “And he bombarded his date with Trinity and stole the show.” He laughed along with Conrad.

  My eyes immediately went to Skye’s and we shared a meaningful look.

  Slade was gay.

  ***

  After knowing Slade my entire life, he still surprised me. I couldn’t believe he hid his secret so long. How did I not notice the signs? Why hadn’t he opened up and told me? Did he think I would judge him? Think less of him? I thought he knew me better than that.

  Skye and I agreed I should talk to him about it. This was obviously a confusing and difficult time for him. Maybe he was too scared to take the first step and face the disapproval and glares. But if I came to him and made it easier on him, it could change the circumstance.

  I texted him after dinner. Can we talk?

  About what?

  Meet me and you’ll find out.

  This better not have anything to do with me seeing someone. That shit is getting old.

  I knew he wouldn’t see me so I had to lie. No. Now can I see you?

  Where do you want to meet?

  Come to my place. I’d just drive to his but I had a strong suspicion he wasn’t there.

  K.

  Half an hour later he walked through my front door. “Yo.” His hair was messy like he’d been rolling around on rumpled sheets. Now that I knew the truth about him I saw him differently, but not in a bad way. I just felt like a horrible friend for not figuring it out on my own.

  He stared at me, waiting for me to speak. “Get on with it.”

  I scratched my head, unsure how to brooch the topic. “You know I’m cool with gay people, right…?”

  Both of his eyebrows shot up. “I guess...”

  “Like, I don’t dislike them and I think there’s nothing wrong with that lifestyle.”

  He stilled confused. “Okay…” He crossed his arms over his chest while he stared at me.

  “And if I had a friend that was gay, I’d be totally fine with it.” I hoped I could coerce him into opening up first instead of me interrogating him. Maybe he thought I didn’t like homosexuality or something.

  He stared at me like I just grew a third head. “Good to know…”

  I stared at him, waiting for him to confess. “So…”

  He scratched the back of his head in confusion. “Okay…”

  “Yeah…”

  Now the silence was just awkward. “So…”

  “What the hell are we talking about?” he demanded.

  I guess he was still going to be defensive. “I had a gay friend in high school and it was never an issue.”

  Slade’s eyes darted back and forth in confusion. He scratched his head and sighed. Then he scratched his head again. Then his eyes widened in realization. His body suddenly relaxed and the brightness was in his eyes. He seemed to piece the puzzle together and now he was going to fess up. “You’re gay?” He shook his head in disbelief. “Shit, you fooled me.”

  “What?” I flinched at the suggestion. “No. What? No! I’m not gay!”

  Confusion returned. “Then why are we talking about gay people? Was that your way of telling me?”

  He really couldn’t figure it out? “No, you’re gay!”

  He stepped back like I shot him. “Hell no! I’m not gay!”

  “Slade, it’s okay. I don’t care. I think of you exactly the same.”

  He cringed. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why the hell would you think that?”

  “It makes sense. That’s why you won’t tell me who you’re seeing—because you have a boyfriend. You don’t have to hide anymore. I—”

  “I’m. Not. Gay.”

  “Look, I talked to Conrad and he told me what happened between you and Scott…and how you came onto him.”

  His face turned red in anger and ripped a clump of hair out of his skull. “I wasn’t hitting on him!”

  “That’s not what he said…”

  “I didn’t!”

  “Why are you being so defensive about this?” I demanded. “Nobody cares, Slade. We all love you exactly the same.”

  He covered his face and screamed. “Why is this happening to me?”

  I stepped closer to him. “You’re making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Now everything makes sense. The way you go through girls left and right to compensate for your true sexual identity.”

  He looked at me like he might kill me. “I go through women left and right because I like pussy. I love pussy. Pussy is…the best thing in the fucking world, okay? I’m not gay, I don’t like dick, I love pussy. Alright? Do I need to scream it so you understand?”

  This was going horribly wrong. I just wanted him to open up to me. Somehow I managed to make the situation worse. “Dude, calm down.”

  “I will not calm down!” He clenched his hands into fists. “I’m not gay.”

  “It’s okay, Slade. You can tell me the truth.”

  “Fuck this.” He marched to my front door and opened it. My neighbors were across the way in front of their door, holding groceries. It was a married couple with their five-year old daughter. Slade didn’t notice them. He gave me one more glare. “I’m not gay! That’s the truth. The only time I like anal is when I’m fucking a girl on my bed while she’s on all fours.” Then he walked off and slammed the door.

  Just before the door slammed, the woman dropped her bags to the ground and green apples rolled across the ground. The man’s eyes were wide.

  The little girl laughed. “Mommy, what’s anal?”

  Chapter Five

  Slade

  Trinity couldn’t stop laughing. She fell from the couch onto the floor, clutching her stomach while tears slid down her cheeks. She laughed uncontrollably, taking deep breaths every few seconds before she started laughing again.

  I brooded on the couch. “It’s
not funny.”

  “You’re right.” She stopped laughing for a second. “It’s hilarious.” Then the laughter came back.

  I sighed and rubbed my temple.

  She rolled on her side, clutching her stomach. “I wish I could have seen your face.”

  “It looked identical to how it is now,” I said darkly.

  She finally recovered from her laughter then sat up, wiping the tears away. “Look on the bright side. At least they have no idea you’re sleeping with me.”

  “That is good news,” I said sarcastically.

  She crawled to me then leaned against my knee. “You know, if you just butted out of my date with Scott this wouldn’t have happened.”

  “But I wasn’t hitting on him,” I argued. “I was just asking questions.”

  “A shitload of questions. Honestly, I don’t blame him for thinking that.”

  “Shut up, Trinity.”

  She rubbed my calve muscle. “Come on, admit it. It’s hilarious.”

  “People thinking I’m gay is not hilarious—at all.”

  “Well, if you go along with it no one would ever question us if they saw us out together.”

  “Every man’s dream…” I said sarcastically.

  She moved to my lap then straddled my hips. “I’m sorry. I’m having too much fun with this.”

  My hand automatically gripped her hip without conscious thought. “I just can’t believe Cayson jumped to that conclusion. He’s known me his whole life. Obviously, I’m not gay. I think that’s pretty obvious.”

  “Well, think about your behavior for the past six months. All this sneaking around and lying was going to catch up with you at some point.”

  “So, what do I do? Fight it or just go along with it?”

  She shrugged. “It’s up to you. I just hope it doesn’t get back to your parents.”

  I rolled my eyes. “My dad would think it’s hilarious. He would tease me mercilessly for that.”

  “If he thought you were gay?” she asked incredulously.

  “No, he would tease me because he knows I’m not gay.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “He would know it’s what I deserve for sneaking around and lying to everyone about you.”

  She rubbed my shoulders, trying to get me to relax. “Well, if it makes you feel better, I know you aren’t gay.”