Having You Is Never Enough

by E. L. Todd

  She reluctantly dropped her hand. “Okay.”

  I walked into the hallway and headed directly to Cayson.

  He held out a backpack. “Here are clean clothes and your bathroom stuff.”

  “Thanks,” I said as I took it. Cayson had come every day after class to bring me things I needed. I hadn’t asked him to do any of it. He just took care of it, having my back like a best friend.

  “Here are the books you asked for.” He held a bag out to me.

  I peeked inside. “Thanks, man. I know she’ll like these.”

  He nodded. “And here’s some food. I know you must be starving.”

  If Cayson didn’t bring me food, I didn’t eat. I never left the room unless I needed to use the restroom. “You’re a life saver.” I peeked inside the bag. “A burrito?” I said with a smile.

  “I know it’s your favorite,” he said with a laugh.

  I wasn’t sure what I would do without him. Trinity was the person I leaned on for everything, but now she leaning on me. Cayson quickly became my crutch without even asking. “I really appreciate everything…” I wasn’t good at talking about my emotions. Only with Trinity was I good at it. Cayson was better at it than I was, and he understood words didn’t come to me easily. “You always have my back…”

  He pulled me in for a hug and held me for a second. “I’m always here for you. I love you…”

  I took a deep breath and tried not to get choked up. “I love you too, man.” I clapped his back then pulled away, blinking quickly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell—”

  “It’s okay.” He gave me a sympathetic look. “Don’t worry about it. I understand.”

  He did?

  “It was hard keeping it from you since…you’re best friend. I wanted to tell you…”

  He gripped my arm. “No hard feelings. Seriously. We’re cool.”

  “Okay…” I glanced down at the stuff on the ground, trying to hide my pain and shame.

  “Now we can go on a double date,” he said, trying to cheer me up.

  “Yeah…”

  “And you can ask me for advice…not having to be cryptic about it.”

  I smirked. “I made it obvious, didn’t I…?”

  “Not at the time. But I put the pieces together.”

  My eyes moved to his. “You knew…?”

  He nodded. “About a week before the crash.”

  I thought Trinity and I had been careful. “How?”

  He looked guilty. “I followed you…I thought if I saw you with your boyfriend you would realized I really didn’t care about you being gay and there was nothing to be ashamed of. But then you stayed at Trinity’s all weekend…and kissed her goodbye.”

  When he saw us together, he must have been so angry. I couldn’t even imagine how betrayed he must have felt. “Why didn’t you confront me about it?”

  He put his hands in his pockets. “Because of the way you kissed her.”

  I wasn’t following.

  “You kissed her like you loved her. I thought if I confronted you about it, I would sabotage your relationship with her. I know you fear commitment and aren’t good at expressing your emotions…so if being a secret relieved a lot of pressure and kept your guys together I didn’t want to ruin that.”

  Now I felt even worse. Even when Cayson had the right to be upset with me, he let it go, putting me first. I knew in my heart I wouldn’t have reacted the same way. Selfish, I would have demanded to know why he didn’t trust me enough to confide his darkest secret to me. “Well, thanks…”

  “But I guess the cat is out of the bag, huh?” He shrugged his shoulders.

  I didn’t even want to think about it.

  “What now?” he asked. “For the two of you?”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I said with determination. “Nothing has changed.”

  He smiled. “I thought so. Have you talked to Mike…”

  I shook my head. “No one has asked me anything. I tried talking to him last week but he wasn’t ready to hear it.”

  Cayson nodded slightly.

  “What is the family saying when I’m not around?”

  “Everyone is in shock. That’s pretty much it. But I got to be honest…Conrad is pretty mad.”

  I guess I wasn’t surprised by that.

  “When things cool down, you need to talk to him.”

  “I will if I ever get the time. Right now I’m concerned for Trinity.”

  “I understand…”

  “Anything else?”

  “I think everyone is just confused by the whole thing…they all know how you are. I guess they are scared for you because of Mike…and they wonder if you really love her or if you’re just…you know…fuck buddies.”

  “We aren’t,” I said firmly. “I told her I loved her in front of everyone. Doesn’t that count for something?”

  “It does, but like I said, it’s still shocking. They might think you said that in the moment…caught up in the trauma.”

  “That isn’t why I said it,” I said sadly.

  “I know, man. Skye and I both know.”

  I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, wishing this would just go away.

  Cayson spotted my distress. “I’m here for you…all the way through.”

  “I know. You don’t need to tell me that.”

  He stood still then shifted his weight. “Can I ask you something?”

  “You can ask me anything. You know that.”

  “Where is this going…with Trinity?”

  It was a topic that consumed my thoughts. “As far as I can take it.”

  “You’ve always said you aren’t a one-man type of guy. Is that still true?”

  “No.”

  “So, you aren’t scared of marriage anymore? You’ve come to terms with that?”

  I sighed again, feeling overwhelmed. “I don’t know…I never thought I would be a boyfriend but I am one now. I never thought I’d love someone like this, but look at me. I’m a total wreck because I almost lost the love of my life. I can’t see myself ever getting marred and being a husband…but I said the same about all those other things…”

  “I can see it,” he said quietly. “I know you can do it, Slade. Just don’t overthink it.”

  “But I had plans…I wanted to do so many things before I settled down.”

  Cayson looked me straight in the eye. “I know how you feel.”

  He did know how I felt.

  “The idea of giving up Stanford still hurts sometimes. It’s what I always wanted since I can remember. I want to help those who don’t even have clean drinking water. I want to make a difference in the world. I feel like I’m saying goodbye to that. And if I don’t get into New York, I’m pushing back my career by a whole year. It sucks, and sometimes…as much as I hate to admit it…I resent her for it.”

  I couldn’t believe Cayson actually said that. He was being honest with me, showing me his soul like he never had before.

  “But I know my life without her would be devastating. I can regret not choosing Stanford, but if I choose Stanford, I wouldn’t regret not choosing Skye. Actually, I would hate myself for it. My entire life would be ruined. She is the one thing that’s stayed constant in my life, and now that I’ve had her, felt her, touched her, I know losing that connection would break me. It’s a destiny that I can’t even contemplate because it scares the shit out of me.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know you wanted to travel the world and play music and do crazy things, but I can promise you it would be the biggest regret of your life. There’s nothing wrong with choosing Trinity as your destiny. It doesn’t mean you failed. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. It only solidifies your love for her. You can’t have both paths to compare them later like we all wish we could, but I know being with Trinity will make you happy every day for the rest of your life.” He gave me a hard look. “Life is about sacrifices. But you should only make those sacrifices if the reward is important enough. I think both Skye and Tri
nity are.”

  His words echoed in my mind long after he said them. Perhaps he was right. Any time I thought about not being with her it made me physically sick. My stomach hurt like I swallowed acid. The idea of her wearing a white gown and declaring her love to some other guy was unthinkable. “Thanks…”

  “Anytime.” He picked up everything off the floor and handed it to me. “I’ll be back tomorrow. When is she going home?”

  “In a few days.”

  “Is Mike coming with her…?”

  “I don’t know yet. I prefer to take care of her. But I have a feeling he won’t let me.”

  He gave me a sad look. “That makes two of us.”

  ***

  Every night, I read to Trinity until she fell asleep. Cayson brought the books I specifically asked, knowing she would love them. The Sun Also Rises ended up being one of her favorites. Even though I knew her well, she still surprised me. Who knew a dark tale of war and loss would be something appealing to her.

  His eyes watched me while I read to her but he kept his silence like he always did.

  Trinity rested her hand on my arm, hanging onto every word I said. I never read out loud and I felt awkward doing it at first, but it quickly became second nature.

  When the book ended, I closed it and set it on the table.

  Tonight, Trinity wasn’t tired. She was wide awake, growing restless lying down for weeks.

  “We’ll be going home soon,” I whispered. “Be patient.”

  She nodded in response.

  The doctor came in and announced she was free to leave. He set her up with a physical therapist and went over all the medication she needed. After the paperwork was signed and everything was cleared, he left.

  “Excited to get out of here, honey?” her father asked.

  “Like you wouldn’t believe,” she said with a sigh. “I miss my bed.”

  “You’ll be back there in the morning,” he said. “I spoke to your mother and we’ll be staying with you for a while, making sure you have all the help you needed.”

  I cleared my throat. “That’s unnecessary. I can take care of her. I know you have work and Cassandra has her responsibilities.”

  He gave me a threatening look. “Don’t tell me I have work and responsibilities that are more important than my own daughter.” He kept his tone exactly the same, but the anger and ferocity was evident. It didn’t feel like he was my uncle anymore, but a threat. “I will look after her and take her to class. It’s a full-time job.”

  I knew I had to speak to him carefully. If I pushed too hard, he would explode. “I understand your concern, but since I’m already there and I’m on campus anyway, it’s convenient for everyone if I look after her. I don’t mind taking her to physical therapy and taking care of her meds. I’ll always be there—day and night.” I regretted those final words as soon as they came out.

  He clenched his jaw and a vein in his forehead started to throb. A cloud of hatred had covered the ceiling and lightning was about to strike. His eyes darkened, becoming as black as shadows.

  Trinity intervened before the shit hit the fan. “Dad, Slade can look after me. I want him to. You and Mom really don’t need to worry about me.”

  Her voice seemed to bring him back to earth. “I’m not comfortable with that…”

  “Well, I am,” she said firmly. “I trust Slade with my life. He’ll do a good job—I promise.”

  He still wasn’t convinced. He rested his fingers on his lips, deep in thought. Mike didn’t overtly threaten people. He usually did it with just a simple look or movement. Aggression and possessiveness for his daughter radiated from him, unwilling to share her care with someone else, someone he didn’t trust or approve of. “Then I’ll come once a week to check on you—and I’ll call every day.”

  I knew that was the only compromise he would ever make.

  Trinity took it. “Okay.”

  ***

  When we got to Trinity’s house, Mike picked her up and placed her in a wheel chair. Her left thigh was in a caste and she was told not to move it. I knew Trinity was struggling with the revelation she wouldn’t be walking for a while, but she didn’t complain. She loved to run and wear cute heels. That was out of the window.

  Cayson and Conrad built a ramp at her front door she could roll through the front door. They made a similar one through the garage so she would be able to move around easily.

  When we walked inside the house, the place was clean and spotless. Fresh flowers in vases and glasses covered tables and bookshelves. Skye and Silke stood there and greeted Trinity when she came through the door.

  “Welcome home!” Skye hugged her and smiled at her.

  Silke rubbed her shoulders.

  Mike pushed her inside then guided her in the living room. Once of the couches had been removed so there was more room for her to move around her chair. The kitchen table had been replace with a small one that was level to the height of her chair.

  I placed the medications on the kitchen counter along with the instructions. My aunts and uncles were there, happy Trinity had returned in once piece. Cassandra got choked up when Mike picked her up and placed her on the couch.

  “We got pizza,” Scarlet said. “Your favorite.”

  “Thank you,” Trinity said with a smile. “I really appreciate everything everyone has done. I’m lucky to be here and you’ve guys have made everything so easily. I love all of you.”

  Everyone awed at her words.

  Janice wrapped her arms around her shoulders and gave her a long hug. Scarlet wiped her tears away and kissed her cheek. Uncle Sean stood behind her then rubbed her shoulders, trying to comfort her.

  Uncle Mike turned away, hiding his face.

  My dad leaned against the other couch, his eyes flooded with emotion. I knew my aunts and uncles loved Trinity like their own daughter. Losing her was like losing one of their own.

  I stayed in my corner and watched Trinity be showered with love and affection. No one had spoken to me since the incident. I felt like the black sheep, no longer welcomed in the clan. I suspected they refrained from talking to me because of Mike, unsure how to treat me since everything was still up in the air.

  When Mike walked passed my dad, a look of anger came over his face. My dad returned the look, but not with anger, rather sympathy. Mike stared him down, his jaw clenched tight, and then walked away like he never meant nothing to him.

  Shit, I knew that wasn’t good.

  We spent the evening playing games and eating pizza. Trinity was thrilled to be with her friends and family, being in a place she felt most comfortable. I refrained form touching her or invading her space, letting her spend time with the other people she loved.

  Conrad stared at me a few times, the anger palpable.

  Roland did the same, his loyalty to his best friend unshaken.

  Cayson and Skye were my only allies. Cayson stayed by my side and comforted me without words. When I felt alone he reminded me I wasn’t. He didn’t bother feeding me with empty words or trying to make me feel better. But he stayed by my side, sticking to me like glue.

  Cayson knew me in a way no one else did. He was the only person who knew I was sensitive and caring. He was the only person who I let see it, other than Trinity. Maybe everyone thought I was just using Trinity and I didn’t love her, but Cayson knew me better than that. He knew I had layers, thousands of them, and it took a while to get passed them. Never judging me or ridiculing me, Cayson was by my side—no matter what.

  He put his arm over my shoulders. “It’ll get better. I promise.”

  “Can you really make a promise like that?” I said bitterly.

  “Yes.”

  ***

  I walked my parents out to their car and gave them each a hug. My mom got in the passenger seat, knowing my dad wanted to speak to me in private.

  “It’s bad, isn’t it?” I whispered.

  He didn’t bullshit with me. “Well, it’s not good.”

  “Do
es Mike hate you?”

  “He’s…upset.” His words hinted at a lot more.

  “Just tell me.”

  “He’s upset I didn’t tell him what was going on when I knew.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

  “What makes him think you knew? Trinity and I haven’t told anyone.”

  “He asked me.”

  “Why didn’t you just lie?”

  He gave me a dark look. “I’m not a liar—not my style.”

  I guess I should have known that.

  “But I told him you really care about her, and I knew that without you even telling me.”

  “And…?”

  “He still wasn’t thrilled.”

  “But he shouldn’t be mad at you for it…I was the one who slept with her.”

  “Mike and I are really close…it feels like a personal betrayal to him. But he’ll come around…he’s just stressed about his daughter right now. He said a lot of mean things but I’ve already forgiven him because I know he’s scared. Keep that in mind when you do talk to him. The worst thing in the world almost happened to him—losing his daughter. And being excluded from knowing about your relationship didn’t help matters.”

  “Trinity is a grown woman. It’s none of his business who she sleeps with.”

  “I couldn’t agree more. But you and I know that isn’t the case here. You’re family, Slade. Fooling around with her was unacceptable on so many levels. Mike is fiercely protective of her and you got heartbreaker written all over you.”

  “I’m not going to leave her. I love her…”

  Fondness shined in his eyes. “Well, you’ve spent six months convincing Trinity that…but the rest of us haven’t seen it. Be patient with him and let him catch up. Just be yourself and he’ll see how much you’ve changed and how much you care about his daughter.”

  That sounded like an eternity. “How about you just tell him for me?”

  He laughed. “Slade, you did this so you have to deal with the consequences. I’m not going to clean up your mess like I used when you were a young boy. And neither is your mother.”

  I sighed, feeling like I was drowning. “Why can’t I just be accepted like Cayson was? Sean was thrilled.”

  My dad laughed again. “First of all, Cayson is a model person. He can do no wrong. And secondly, he asked his permission first. I can guarantee Mike would have had a much different reaction if you had come to him first.”