Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Shouldn’t Have You

  A Fractured Connections Novel

  Carrie Ann Ryan

  Contents

  Praise for Carrie Ann Ryan….

  Shouldn’t Have You

  Author’s Note

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Epilogue

  A Note from Carrie Ann Ryan

  About the Author

  More from Carrie Ann Ryan

  Shouldn’t Have You

  A Fractured Connections Novel

  By: Carrie Ann Ryan

  © 2019 Carrie Ann Ryan

  ISBN: 978-1-947007-48-2

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  Cover Art by Charity Hendry

  Photograph by Sara Eirew

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  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person or use proper retail channels to lend a copy. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  All characters in this book are fiction and figments of the author’s imagination.

  * * *

  For more information, please join Carrie Ann Ryan’s MAILING LIST.

  To interact with Carrie Ann Ryan, you can join her FAN CLUB

  Praise for Carrie Ann Ryan….

  “Carrie Ann Ryan knows how to pull your heartstrings and make your pulse pound! Her wonderful Redwood Pack series will draw you in and keep you reading long into the night. I can’t wait to see what comes next with the new generation, the Talons. Keep them coming, Carrie Ann!” –Lara Adrian, New York Times bestselling author of CRAVE THE NIGHT

  “Carrie Ann Ryan never fails to draw readers in with passion, raw sensuality, and characters that pop off the page. Any book by Carrie Ann is an absolute treat.” – New York Times Bestselling Author J. Kenner

  "With snarky humor, sizzling love scenes, and brilliant, imaginative worldbuilding, The Dante's Circle series reads as if Carrie Ann Ryan peeked at my personal wish list!" – NYT Bestselling Author, Larissa Ione

  "Carrie Ann Ryan writes sexy shifters in a world full of passionate happily-ever-afters." – New York Times Bestselling Author Vivian Arend

  “Carrie Ann’s books are sexy with characters you can’t help but love from page one. They are heat and heart blended to perfection.” New York Times Bestselling Author Jayne Rylon

  Carrie Ann Ryan's books are wickedly funny and deliciously hot, with plenty of twists to keep you guessing. They'll keep you up all night!” USA Today Bestselling Author Cari Quinn

  "Once again, Carrie Ann Ryan knocks the Dante's Circle series out of the park. The queen of hot, sexy, enthralling paranormal romance, Carrie Ann is an author not to miss!" New York Times bestselling Author Marie Harte

  Dedication

  To Dan, first.

  * * *

  To those part of this odd club of ours, always:

  Dani.

  Ms. Bev.

  Pat

  Michele

  Mica

  * * *

  Though we are never the same, I know we are not alone because so many of you reached out. And still do.

  This book is for you. And to so many more who must face the darkness.

  Shouldn’t Have You

  I've been many things in my life: daughter, friend, student, lover, wife…and now, widow. Getting past those labels and finding who I could be without them was the hardest thing I've ever done.

  Then I became friends with Brendon Connolly.

  Every time I look at him, I see a past, I see a present, and I’m afraid if I look too hard, I’ll see a future.

  I've known Harmony Wynham since before she got married. Before she lost everything. I didn’t know that one day she wouldn’t be just my friend but the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

  Only I don't think that can happen.

  Not when every time she looks at me, she sees what she lost, and I can only see what I can't overcome.

  I love her, even though I shouldn't. Somehow, we need to find a balance.

  Because if we don't, walking away will be the hardest thing I've ever done—even if it's the only thing I should do.

  Author’s Note

  This is not my story. This is Harmony’s. I have thought long and hard if I will ever write my story, and I don’t know if that time will come. But until then, this was the story I needed to write, even if it wasn’t easy.

  There is no one right way to grieve. Nor is there a reason you should grieve in just one way.

  I didn’t.

  Harmony didn’t.

  I wrote the book that comes after. The book that shows that there’s a happily ever after for everyone, even those who thought they already had theirs.

  Again, this is not my story.

  This is not the story of so many women who I have spoken to over the past months who have reached out to me. They held me even through words as they shared their grief. They loved and lost, as well.

  So, while this book isn’t our story, it is the story of finding a new path.

  It is a story of rebirth, even after the loss.

  This is Harmony’s story.

  Chapter One

  I called you today. You didn’t answer.

  - Harmony to Moyer. 1 month ATE (after the end)

  * * *

  Harmony

  The idea of dating had always been an abstract thing. As if it were something others did that I watched from afar, either knowing I’d never participate again since I’d already found my future or wondering how on earth people risked everything for a single date these days.

  I was twenty-seven years old, and I was not only out of practice, but it also seemed I was out of my depth. As someone who detested not knowing what I was doing and who needed to be in control no matter what, that didn’t bode well.

  I was going on my first date since my husband’s death.

  Since I’d lost Moyer.

  I suppose I should have felt slightly different than I did at that moment, but it wasn’t as if I could actually figure out what I was feeling. It was hard to put it all into words when, sometimes, there were no words at all.

  I’d been called many things in my life: daughter, friend, lover, wife, and widow. I tried not to let those labels define me, and yet, somehow, they’d become my shield.

  It was easy to put all of my anger and hurt and happiness and the breadth of my emotions into one word. Well, maybe not easy, but perhaps easier for everyone else.

  Because sometimes it felt like I was Chris Pratt in that Jurassic World movie when he was facing off against the three velociraptors. As if I were standing just slightly bent, my arms outstretched, warding off those who would come at me.

  Because it wasn’t as if those who came at me were evil people. It wasn’t as if they were mean or rude. Okay, perhaps they were a little rude, but everyone just wanted to make sure I was okay.

  Everyone wanted to ensure that I understood that they didn’t know how to take care of me. They didn’t know how to help me feel better.

  The thing was, if I knew what that took, maybe I would feel slightl
y better already.

  So, yes, I was the dinosaur wrangler when it came to people and their emotions as they came at me. The widow.

  I shook my head and tried to live in the moment rather than in my magical world inside my brain where I had drifted off to so many times over the past two years.

  Yes, I was a widow.

  But I was also Harmony Wynham née Jacobs. I was a person. A woman. And someone who needed connections.

  Yes, I would probably cry and throw up later, but this was my first date with another man. And I was going to live in the moment because I had learned all too well that, sometimes, there weren’t that many moments to live.

  “So, you run a nonprofit?” Jason asked, smiling at me.

  He really did have a beautiful smile. Perfect, white teeth, so straight that either he had been blessed by the genetic gods or he’d had an amazing orthodontist when he was a kid. I had been forced into braces in high school, something that I still hated to think about, considering that I hadn’t gotten them off until after senior photos.

  Jason, however, looked like he was genetically blessed in other ways, as well. A strong jaw, no need to hide a weak chin beneath a goatee like some were prone to do. He had shaved his face completely, not even a hint of scruff. His hair was perfectly manicured, an expensive cut with just enough styling product in it that it angled away from his brow, likely just the way he wanted.

  He had bright gray irises, and long, thick lashes that framed those eyes perfectly.

  And if I thought the word perfect when it came to him one more time, I might kick myself under the table.

  He wore a gray suit that was just a hint darker than the color of his eyes, and I wondered to myself if he had done that on purpose. It wouldn’t surprise me, honestly.

  He hadn’t picked me up, something I had been forceful about. Instead, I had met him in the parking lot and then noticed his very fancy—also silver/gray—BMW as he walked towards me.

  He, like Mary Poppins herself, was practically perfect in every way.

  At least that was how one of my coworkers had described Jason when she set us up on this blind date.

  Yes, I was on a blind date. But as I had no idea how to actually date or show anyone that I was available to date, a blind date seemed like the perfect way to dip my toes into the water of the arena that seemed to scare me more than I cared to admit.

  “Harmony?”

  I smiled—not too much, not too little, just as my mother had taught me.

  I patted my hair, trying to focus. “I’m sorry, I’m lost in my head.” I lowered my hands, nodding. “Yes, I run a nonprofit for charity. It’s to help local women’s shelters as well as shelters for families.” I didn’t get paid because I had my own money. Moyer had left me well-off, and I still had my trust fund from my family. But I worked long hours and put my entire soul, or at least what was left of it, into making sure that our charity and nonprofit did the best we possibly could. Because there were so many people in need. So many women who needed help. So many females and families who had nowhere else to turn.

  “That’s wonderful.” Jason winced, and I nodded, understanding what he meant by the action. “I meant that what you’re doing is wonderful, not the fact that it’s needed.”

  “I know. Well, at least I try to do my best. Sometimes, you can’t help everyone, but as long as there’s breath in my body, I’m going to make sure I can help as many people as I can.”

  “Well, you’re pretty brilliant. At least that’s what your friends say. So I think if there is anybody who can help the entire world, it would be you.”

  I held back a wince of my own. That was pretty strong, or maybe just a little overdramatic. But this was a first date. It had been so long since I had been on one, perhaps this is what you did now.

  I tried to remember what my first date with Moyer had been like, and I couldn’t. Not really. It’d just been a movie after a long day, and then we had kissed, and that was it. Not it, but more like just the beginning of a new phase in our relationship. We had been friends, and then lovers, and then husband and wife. It had just progressed naturally.

  Dating, even when I wasn’t looking for a future exactly, was interesting.

  I wasn’t looking for a new husband. God, no. I’d had that, loved and lost and done all of the clichés. Now, I just didn’t want to be lonely anymore.

  Maybe I missed sex, but it had been so long that perhaps I didn’t. I had myself for that. I just missed companionship. I missed a lot.

  And I didn’t want to be lonely anymore.

  Hence this date with Jason, which was going nicely, and which I wouldn’t mess up by talking about Moyer.

  I needed to stop thinking about him.

  Because I loved Moyer. I loved him with every ounce of my being and would continue to love him until the day I died, and then likely into the moments after when I found what came once you closed your eyes for the last time. But I couldn’t only live for that love that no longer had another end.

  “So, Clarisse was saying that you own your own business?” I wasn’t sure what that business was since she’d been vague, but asking was a good step in the right direction of initiating conversation.

  He nodded and then looked down at his phone as it vibrated. He had done that a few times tonight, and I was a little worried but not too offended. My phone was buzzing in my purse beside my water glass, as well. But unless it was an emergency, I wouldn’t answer. I knew the emergency vibrations, and so far, it was only simple texts. They would call if they needed me. My friends would call if they needed me.

  “Yes, sorry,” Jason said, setting down his phone. He had the grace to blush, and yet again, I didn’t blame him. I worked long hours, and from what Clarisse had said, so did Jason. And if we were just two busy people trying to go on a date, phone calls and texts were bound to happen.

  “Anyway, we’re in the middle of a huge deal right now, and it’s getting a little dicey. The guys on the other end are taking their time and trying to change things, and it’s making my job a little harder. But I’m trying to focus. Very sorry.”

  I shook my head quickly and then took a sip of my wine. Crisp with pear hints. The perfect balance. “Really, don’t worry about it. I understand.”

  “You know, I think you’re the first woman I’ve been out with that could actually understand that.”

  I smiled again and then nodded as he started talking about his work. The first woman? No, probably not. But maybe I was the first woman that he thought could possibly understand him at all. I didn’t know what that said about him or me. And I was getting that weird sensation in my stomach that said I was probably making a mistake by staying out on this date. However, Jason was a nice guy, and I wasn’t going to just walk out when things got uncomfortable. I needed to persevere. Break the ice. Take one for the team so I could figure out exactly what I wanted to do.

  “So, I was thinking of having the lamb tonight. What about you?”

  The idea of eating anything that was a baby animal really wasn’t my favorite, but I wasn’t going to say anything. Maybe I would go vegetarian tonight.

  “There’s that portobello ravioli that sounds amazing. The one in the cream sauce?”

  “Ah, that sounds good, too. Though I don’t know if I could do pasta right now.” He patted what was most likely his washboard abs and grinned. And then he winked.

  Was winking a thing? Did people still wink? Of course, they did. I had guy friends that winked. But why did this one feel weird?

  “Well, I’m going for the pasta.”

  “And the heavy cream,” he said, winking again.

  Was I being fat-shamed? Or eating-shamed. Because, no, I wasn’t the most slender woman in the world. I had curves, and I liked them. Moyer had liked them, too, thank you very much.

  I had lost about twenty-five pounds after losing Moyer. Mostly because I couldn’t stomach anything. I had gained it all back recently, though, and it had gone straight to my hips and my bo
obs. And, yes, the little pouch on my stomach, but whatever. I was perfectly healthy, and if I wanted pasta and cream sauce, I was going to have the damn pasta and cream sauce.

  I let out a breath, still keeping the smile that my mother had taught me.

  “Well, it’s a treat.” It wasn’t a treat. It was pasta. I ate in moderation. And now I was judging myself, and I did not like it.

  Enough.

  “Well, maybe we’ll just have to skip dessert, or at least dessert here.” He winked again.

  Why did I hate winking? And why did I hate the innuendo that said he thought he was actually going to sleep with me tonight?

  And as that thought sent bile straight to my throat, I sipped my wine, giving him a not-so-pleasant smile. I knew it didn’t reach my eyes this time, but then again, Jason didn’t really catch that, did he?

  Oh, I really shouldn’t have gone out on this date.

  Because while sitting across from another man while eating dinner was one thing, the idea of actually sleeping with someone else? So not there.

  Yes, I’d had dreams about sleeping with three of the four Chrises, but that did not actually mean I was ready to sleep with someone. I could barely stomach the idea of the dreams with Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, and Chris Pine. Together. Sometimes, Chris Pang would show up, as well.