Knife Edge

by Malorie Blackman

  'That's right,' Jaxon nodded.

  'Is something wrong with Roxie?' I asked.

  Roxie, his sister must've sent him. She was really nice but we hadn't been in touch since we'd both left hospital on the same day.

  'No. She's fine. In fact – perfect,' said Jaxon. He looked around. 'Any chance of a sit down?'

  'Sorry. Through there.' I indicated the living room on my left.

  'Anyone for a cup of tea?' Meggie called out from the kitchen.

  'No, thanks,' I replied.

  'I'd love one,' Jaxon called out.

  Jaxon sat down at one end of the burgundy sofa. I think he expected me to sit down at the other end of it, but I sat in the armchair instead. He regarded me speculatively. I bent my head to kiss Callie on her forehead, mainly so that Jaxon wouldn't see the unease in my eyes. What did he want? I forced myself to look straight at him. He smiled at me. I didn't smile back as I waited for him to speak.

  'I'll get right to it then,' said Jaxon.

  'I'm listening.'

  'You've got a good voice.'

  'Pardon?'

  'A good singing voice. In fact you have a great singing voice,' Jaxon explained. 'And I've got a band together but we need a female singer. We'd split all the money we make four ways. Equal shares.'

  'Wait,' I frowned. 'You want me to join your group?'

  'That's right.'

  Except he hadn't actually asked me anything yet. I sat back in the armchair, unimpressed.

  Jaxon regarded me in silence, then sighed. 'OK. Can I start again?'

  'I think you'd better.'

  'I play the guitar in a group. My mate Rhino plays the drums and Sonny plays the keyboards and bass guitar.' Jaxon was now talking to me like a human being. I started to listen. 'We've been told we'd get more gigs if we had a female singer. When you sang with me in the hospital, you were good.'

  Right up until Jaxon had verbally abused the poor Cross nurse who'd only been doing her job.

  'I've discussed it with Rhino and Sonny and we've all agreed that we'd like you to join us,' said Jaxon. 'Like I said, everything we earn would be split four ways.'

  'What kind of places d'you play at?'

  'Clubs, pubs, weddings, parties – anywhere that pays,' Jaxon told me.

  'And what kind of music do you play?'

  'Like I said, anything that pays,' Jaxon said.

  'Don't you write your own songs then?' I asked, surprised.

  'Yeah, but no one wants to hear them,' said Jaxon, a trace of bitterness in his voice.

  'Why not? I don't understand.'

  'We sing lots of cover versions. Club managers like the old standards,' Jaxon explained. 'We try to slip in a couple of original songs towards the end of our set but we don't always get the chance.'

  'So why me?' I asked.

  'You can sing . . .'

  'So can lots of other girls. Why me?'

  'D'you want the truth?'

  'Always.'

  'We'd get more gigs in Cross clubs if we had you as our lead singer,' said Jaxon.

  I'd asked for honesty and I'd certainly got it. The bottom line was that Jaxon wanted to use me. Well, that was OK, because I'd be using him and his band to make some money of my own. It was definitely tempting. I'd be making a living of sorts and it wouldn't be something I'd have to do every day so I wouldn't have to be away from Callie for more than a few hours at a time. If I did this, I could keep my word to Meggie and chip in something towards the cost of the bills.

  'D'you have a gig lined up?' I asked.

  'Is this Saturday too soon?' Jaxon grinned at me.

  'Saturday? You mean the Saturday in four days' time?' I squeaked.

  'Yep!'

  'But I don't know any of your songs or your arrangements,' I panicked. 'You might all play in a key I can't reach or sound awful in. I might. . .'

  Meggie came in with a cup of tea and handed it to Jaxon.

  'Thanks,' Jaxon smiled at her.

  'Everything OK?' Meggie asked me.

  'Jaxon wants me to join his group,' I told her.

  'What kind of group?' Meggie asked sharply.

  'A musical group,' Jaxon provided.

  'Singing?' Meggie visibly relaxed.

  'That's right,' I told her.

  'Does that mean you'll do it?' Jaxon asked.

  I considered. I'd be earning money, which was a plus, but I'd have to sing in front of other people to do it. And I'd have to sing with Jaxon, who had a temper like an active volcano and a chip on his shoulder about Crosses the size of a giant redwood. Was it worth the hassle?

  'I don't think so,' I said.

  'Why not?'

  'This isn't chopped liver in my hands, you know. I've got a baby to look after,' I told him.

  'I can look after Callie for you,' Meggie leapt in.

  I frowned at her. 'No. She's not even two months old yet. She needs me.'

  'It would only be a rehearsal or two a week after work and then a gig on a Friday or a Saturday night,' Jaxon persisted. 'That's not too much to ask, is it? And we could make some serious money.'

  'I've got a baby to look after,' I repeated.

  'Sephy, it'll do you good to get out and about,' said Meggie. 'You've barely left this house since you came home from the hospital.'

  Was I suddenly talking Martian? I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to go anywhere. And I certainly didn't want to stand up and sing in front of a load of strangers. What was this about? Was Meggie fed up with our company already?

  'It's not that I'm chasing you out. Far from it. I love having you and Callie living here with me,' Meggie told me. 'But I'm worried about you, Sephy. You don't want to go anywhere or do anything.'

  Well, I certainly wasn't going to argue in front of Jaxon.

  'Thanks for the offer, Jaxon, but no thanks,' I told him.

  Pursing his lips, he stood up. 'Look, if you change your mind, this is my address and phone number.' He handed over a business card, one of those you can get in any newsagent's where you key in your details and get a lot of cards for not much money. I took it without even looking at it. I wasn't going to sing in his band or anywhere else – and we both knew it.

  I let Meggie see him to the door whilst I hugged you to me, Callie, nuzzling your forehead.

  'What shall I tell you about your daddy today?' I asked you.

  You looked up at me like you were ready to drink in every word.

  'Callum's favourite food was roast lamb. He thought astrology was a load of bosh! Didn't believe in stars and planets telling his fortune or anyone else's. He once told me that the silliest thing a girl could ask a boy is "What's your star sign?"! I must admit I don't believe in that stuff either, but Callum was really scathing about it. He loved to draw. Animals pouncing mostly. And trees. Always lone trees in bleak landscapes. I didn't like them much . . .'

  I trailed off when I realized I had company. Meggie was back in the room and watching me.

  'Why were you so curt with that poor man?' asked Meggie.

  'I wasn't aware I had been,' I told her. 'But I don't want to sing with him and I don't like being manoeuvred into something I don't want to do.'

  'Sephy, you need to get out again. You haven't even taken Callie to see your mother yet. And you need to decide what you're going to do with your life,' Meggie told me. 'What're you going to do for money?'

  'Oh, so that's it,' I said. 'Worried I won't pay my way?'

  'No, of course not,' Meggie denied. 'But it's like you're closing in on yourself. You're letting your whole world revolve around Callie and that's not healthy.'

  'When she's older then I can sort out what I'm going to do,' I told her.

  'How much older?' asked Meggie. 'A month? A year? Ten years? Fifty years? When?'

  'Meggie, stop pushing me!' I shouted. 'Why can't you just leave me alone?'

  I obviously scared you, Callie, because you started crying.

  'See what you've done,' I hurled at Meggie.

  An
d before she had a chance to reply, I raced out of the room with you in my arms. Why didn't she understand? If I could've gone to Callum's grave and crawled in beside him with you in my arms, Callie, then I would've.

  Why didn't anyone understand that?

  twenty-five. Jude

  Cara phoned me on my mobile and asked me to meet her outside Chamber Lane station at seven o'clock this evening. I'm not keen on going into town too often. There are CCTV cameras everywhere so you never know who's watching you but Cara cajoled me into doing it. And I couldn't say no.

  After all, how could she understand my reluctance? I couldn't exactly tell her that I was still a marked man – one of those wanted for the abduction of Persephone Hadley. So I did as Cara asked. My uniform for the day was an ordinary pair of jeans, an ordinary T-shirt, an ordinary jacket and a cap pulled down low over my forehead. I kept my head down as I came up the escalator from the underground platform. Something in my gut told me that this was madness. If I ever got caught it would be in a place like this, in town with lots of people around where I could be easily surrounded and it would be hard to take cover. So what was I doing here? I still didn't know – apart from the fact that Cara had asked me.

  Cara was already waiting for me. I put my ticket through the machine and then stood against the wall out of everyone's way as I watched her scan left and right as she looked for me. She was wearing navy-blue, tight-fitting trousers and a white, sleeveless T-shirt. Her arms were so sleek and well defined, they looked like they'd been expertly carved out of dark wood. For once she wore her braids loose and they hung down past her shoulders, framing her face when it was in profile.

  I just stood and watched.

  And watched.

  But then she spotted me.

  'Steve! Hello, Steve.' There it was again. That smile on her face which was brighter and warmer than summer sunshine.

  'Hello, Cara.' I moved towards her.

  'I'm glad you could make it. I've got a surprise for you,' she told me.

  'I don't like surprises.'

  'You'll like this one.'

  We walked for a couple of minutes before Cara unexpectedly linked her arm with mine. At my nonplussed look, she just smiled and carried on leading me. We finally stopped outside one of the most prestigious, not to mention luxurious cinema complexes in town.

  'What're we doing here?' I frowned.

  'I got us two tickets to Strange Days, Strange Ways,' Cara beamed at me.

  'But it only opened a couple of days ago.'

  'I know.'

  'And you hate science fiction films,' I said with suspicion.

  'But you love them,' Cara told me. 'So this is for you.'

  My stomach flipped. Then, for just a moment, it flashed through my head that maybe this was a trap. That maybe the police were watching and waiting. But one look at the expression on Cara's face and I knew it wasn't. It couldn't be. Cara's face was like an open picture book. I genuinely didn't know what to say. And the smile of pleasure on Cara's face just seemed to make the hollow feeling inside of me grow rather than diminish.

  'Won't you be bored?' I said at last.

  'Not with you,' said Cara. 'OK?'

  I nodded. My stomach flipped again as we went inside. We were half an hour early so we had to wait in the bar. I bought us a couple of drinks and we sat down.

  'After our talk the other day about this film in particular, I was worried you might guess what I had in mind,' Cara admitted after a sip of her mineral water.

  I shook my head. 'Didn't have a clue.'

  'Good.'

  'Cara . . ?'

  Cara smiled at me expectantly. I looked around but the nearest other people were at the bar several metres away. I wanted to ask her about her day, her parents, her friends, her hobbies, her last holiday, anything and everything except what came out of my mouth.

  'Why're you with me?'

  Cara looked puzzled. "Cause you wanted to see this film and I thought we could go for a meal or maybe for a walk around the park afterwards.'

  That wasn't what I meant. 'Why don't you mind being seen with a nought?'

  Cara sat back in her chair and regarded me, a strange look on her face. I'd probably blown my chances by asking that question. I mean, if she could pretend to be colour-blind then why couldn't I?

  'Does it bother you that people look at us then?' said Cara at last.

  'Sometimes.'

  'Steve, when you look at someone, what's the first thing you notice, the first thing you latch on to?'

  I shrugged, unsure how to answer.

  'I always notice a person's eyes. Not just the colour but the shape and the thoughts and feelings behind them. Does that make sense?'

  I nodded.

  'And then I focus on that person's mouth – whether or not it smiles a lot,' Cara continued. 'I like mouths that know how to smile. You know how to smile, you just don't do it very often.'

  Where was she going with this? More people were beginning to arrive and some sat down close to us. I began to feel uncomfortable, sorry I'd broached the subject in the first place.

  'Then I see if they have anything to say for themselves, anything going on upstairs,' Cara continued. 'Anything else is irrelevant.'

  'Fair enough,' I said. 'They're taking the tickets now.'

  Cara tilted her head to one side. 'Steve, would you rather we left?'

  'No. Of course not.'

  'I don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with,' said Cara seriously.

  'I'm not uncomfortable with you,' I told her.

  'D'you promise?'

  'I promise.'

  'And just so you'll know,' Cara began seriously, 'I'm with you because I like being with you.'

  'That's because you have excellent taste,' I joked to lighten the mood, not to mention our conversation.

  'I'm glad you approve!' Cara smiled, then stood up. 'Ready?'

  I finished my lager and joined her. 'Ready.'

  We went in to see the film.

  twenty-six. Sephy

  Callie, isn't it a beautiful day? Those white things up there are clouds. And the blue thing beyond is the sky. And that green stuff around us is grass. And we're sitting on a bench in the park and just enjoying the day. You like it when I tickle your tummy, don't you? You love it! Callie, d'you think I'm a coward? D'you think I should've taken Jaxon up on his offer? I admit, part of me wanted to. But to sing in a group in front of people – I've never done anything like that before. Then there're a lot of things I'm doing now that I've never dreamed of before. I'm still a teenager and I've got a daughter of my own. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason and just for a split second, it's as if the last few years haven't happened. I wake up and Callum's still alive and I'm still at Mother's and my life is very simple again. But just for a split second.

  I shouldn't've shouted at Meggie like that. She was only trying to help. And she does care about you, Callie Rose. Very much. We'll go and visit my mother soon. She loves you very much too. You hold onto that, Callie. Love is all that matters. Believe me, I know.

  twenty-seven. Jude

  I surprised Cara at work one afternoon by turning up unannounced at her salon with a picnic basket. Cara looked beautiful. She had on a dark-blue cropped top which showed off her midriff and a matching blue, flouncy skirt with gold thread running vertically through it. Long, thin gold earrings framed her face and she looked so animated, so alive. It made me smile just to look at her.

  'Steve, it's a wonderful idea, but I just can't pick up and leave,' Cara protested.

  'Why not?' I asked. 'Will this place fall down if you're not here for one afternoon?'

  'But I've got Mrs Burgess coming in at three and another client due at quarter to four—'

  'Someone else can snip their hair or they can come back some other time,' I said. Come on, Cara. Don't make me beg, I thought with irritation.

  Cara looked at me, then broke into a smile. 'I'm out of here, everyone.'


  And she linked arms with me. We left without a backwards glance. And in that moment I knew I had her. It was only a matter of hours or at the most days before I got hold of every penny she had.

  We went to the park and sat on the picnic benches near the children's playground and talked and ate and talked some more.

  'When're you going to tell me some more about you?' asked Cara, before biting into an apple.

  'What d'you want to know?'

  'What d'you do for a living?'

  'I'm between jobs,' I said. 'But up until a few months ago I worked in . . . construction.'

  'Building work?'

  'That's right.'

  'Building or painting and decorating or what?' asked Cara.

  'Painting and decorating mostly,' I said. 'But enough about me . . .'

  'Funny, but after a couple of questions, you always say that,' said Cara. 'I'll have to call you my mystery man.'

  'Nothing mysterious about me,' I told her. 'My life's an open book.'

  'An open book but in a language I can't read,' Cara said wryly, making me laugh.

  After our picnic, we strolled round the park, then caught a film at the local cinema before heading back to Cara's for dinner. An hour later, we both sat down to a meal of ribbon pasta with chicken and a bottle of reasonable red wine.

  'Steve, d'you like me?' Cara asked without warning.

  I groaned inwardly. Why did girls always want to talk about relationships and feelings? Why couldn't we just get on with our evening without all this introspective crap?

  'Of course I like you,' I replied.

  'Then why've you never tried to do more than kiss me?' Cara asked, unable to look me in the eyes.

  Her head was bent and she was obviously embarrassed. I put down my fork, my appetite vanishing. What was I supposed to say to that?

  'I've just had a lot on my mind recently,' I sighed. 'You know, I'm still looking for a job and I've got bills to pay and things aren't going too well for me at the moment.'

  'Then please let me help,' Cara pleaded.

  'No, I told you—'

  'It's only money, Steve.' Cara sprang up and headed for the table in the corner of her living room. Taking off the necklace around her neck, she used the small key on it to open one of the desk drawers. The only drawer in the desk that was locked – as I knew from past experience. I watched as she took out her cheque book, then walked back over to me.