Knife Edge

by Malorie Blackman

  'I'd quit whilst you're behind if I were you,' I told her quietly. 'Because I'm not going to let you lay one finger on me. That's not going to happen.'

  'You'll be . . . sorry,' Amy coughed. 'If it's the last thing I do I'll make sure you're sorry.'

  I sighed inwardly. Was I ever going to get through one of these gigs without someone threatening me? It certainly hadn't happened so far. Amy got to her feet and stumbled out of the room, just as two other Nought women walked in. They looked me up and down before heading into the two toilet cubicles.

  I pulled off my T-shirt, unzipped my holdall and pulled on my shirt in double-quick time before anyone else could interrupt me. I was just buttoning it up when one of the Nought women emerged from the cubicle. But instead of washing her hands, she leaned against one of the two sinks watching me.

  I carried on buttoning up my blouse. The other Nought flushed the loo and came out of her cubicle. She washed her hands, shaking her head at her friend. I picked up my holdall and headed out of the door, making sure that I didn't hurry or look in any way flustered – even though my stomach was turning over inside me. I had my hand on the door marked PRIVATE when the others trooped out.

  'Let's do this,' said Jaxon.

  'Is five minutes up already?' I groaned. Just a minute's peace to collect my thoughts would've been welcome.

  'Are you OK?' Sonny asked.

  'Why?'

  'You look a little . . . flustered,' said Sonny.

  At that, Jaxon peered at me anxiously.

  'I'm fine,' I told him.

  ''Course you are. It's show time,' Jaxon told me with an inane, show-business grin on his face.

  I glanced up at Sonny. A slight frown turned down his lips as he regarded me. I turned up my lips to resemble some kind of smile. He didn't say anything but I could sense he wasn't convinced. I threw my holdall across the room and headed out after them. The guys looked relatively relaxed. But then they would. They weren't the ones being glared at and assaulted in the toilets before even one note was played. I was about to be greeted by an audience full of malice. Something told me this wasn't going to be the best night of my life.

  forty. Meggie

  Sephy's out tonight at her gig at Russell's and to be honest, I was glad. During the last two weeks, things had gone from bad to worse. Sephy changes Callie's nappy, she feeds her, she bathes her but she won't hold her. Hugs and cuddles are a thing of the past. And Callie cries a lot more often now. It's a vicious circle. Sephy doesn't want to hold Callie, so Callie cries harder and longer and more often to be held. I've picked up Callie more in the last two weeks than Sephy has. Sephy's been at rehearsals with that Jaxon Robbins – who I wouldn't trust with one of my used tissues – or else she makes excuses to leave the house. She tells me she needs to go for a walk or she's going shopping or she's visiting friends, but what it boils down to is Sephy isn't here. And her daughter is. So I've made a decision. I had no choice but I knew Sephy wouldn't see it that way.

  I pressed the digits on my phone and placed the receiver to my ear. My heart had leapt up to my throat so 1 wasn't sure if I was going to be able to squeeze a word out anyway. The phone rang twice only.

  'Good evening. The Hadley residence.'

  My heart plummeted to my heels, then bounced like a super ball inside me at the sound of Sarah Pike's voice. So she still worked for Jasmine, did she? I guess she was just niftier than I was at keeping her head down and keeping on Jasmine's good side. I'd made the mistake of thinking Jasmine and I were good friends. But one error, one slipup – and I'd been out on my ear.

  'Hello?' Sarah prompted.

  I swallowed hard and forced myself to speak.

  'Can I speak to Mrs Hadley please?'

  'Can I say who's calling?' asked Sarah politely.

  She obviously hadn't recognized my voice, but then why should she?

  'Er . . . it's . . . Meggie. Meggie McGregor,' I said softly.

  I caught Sarah's gasp, even though she tried to disguise it immediately afterwards by launching straight into a monologue.

  'Oh, Meggie. I . . . Hello . . . I'll just go and see if Mrs Hadley is available.' And she put the phone down with a clunk that made my ears ring.

  Hello to you too, I thought sourly. No 'how are you?' for old times' sake. Sarah was obviously the same scared little mouse she'd always been. I could just imagine the conversation happening now between her and Jasmine. What was I thinking? This had been a bad idea. But at least I'd tried. Maybe I should just put down the phone now, rather than wait for Sarah to give me some feeble excuse and bounce me off.

  'Hello, Meggie.' Jasmine's voice shocked me into silence. 'Meggie, are you there?'

  'Hello, Mrs Hadley.'

  'Please call me Jasmine. Is my daughter all right? Has something happened?'

  'No, she's fine. It's nothing like that. Sephy and Callie are both fine. Everyone's fine,' I blathered.

  'I don't understand then,' said Mrs Hadley. I couldn't think of her as anyone but Mrs Hadley.

  'I'm worried about Sephy but it's not really something I can discuss over the phone. Perhaps we can meet up?' I suggested.

  'Is Persephone ill? What aren't you telling me?' Mrs Hadley said at once.

  'I promise you Sephy isn't ill or anything like that.' I took a breath to steady myself before continuing. 'I'm . . . concerned about her behaviour and I'd like to discuss it with you face to face.'

  'Shall I come to your home tomorrow?'

  Surprise at her suggestion almost made me say yes on the spot. The Jasmine Hadley I knew wouldn't dream of setting foot in any area where the majority of the residents were noughts.

  'Er . . . no. Maybe we could meet at a coffee shop?'

  Pause. 'Would you like to come to my home? We could have coffee here. You'd be more than welcome.'

  'No. I don't think so,' I shot back.

  Too much time had passed and the water under the bridge was too deep to go back to her house. That place would stir up too many bad memories.

  'Java Express then. The coffee shop on the high street, next to Markman's bookshop,' Mrs Hadley suggested.

  'Ten o'clock?'

  'Ten will be fine. I'll see you then. And Meggie?'

  'Yes?'

  'Thank you for phoning.'

  Even as I put down the phone, I wondered about the wisdom of what I was doing. Sephy was going to hate me for it.

  But what else could I do?

  I had to think of Callie Rose. Callie came first. No ifs, ands or buts. And she always would.

  forty-one. Sephy

  I walked up onto the stage to the sound of stony silence. Every eye was upon me. I walked over to the microphone with a sudden banging headache which I knew was purely down to nerves. An audience of Nought men and women stood before the stage and they gave out nothing. No expectation, no welcome, no anticipation – nothing. Jaxon walked over to me.

  'We can do this,' he whispered into my ear away from the mic. 'Blow them away like you did in the Dew Drop Inn. "We'll start with a ballad, Spontaneous.'

  Jaxon walked back to his own mic. And it was just me and the crowd. No one standing in front of me, or around me to hide me. Jaxon was a metre to my left and Sonny was a metre to my right and Rhino was a metre behind us all. They might as well have been kilometres away. Looking out over the audience, I felt like a hunk of bloody meat in a den full of hungry lions, each waiting for the other to pounce first before they joined in.

  Jaxon, Rhino and Sonny started playing Spontaneous. The tone from Sonny's keyboard was rich and mellow. Rhino's drumsticks whispered across the drum skin. Jaxon's chords on the guitar could break your heart. But my mind went blank. The music was approaching my cue and I couldn't remember a word of the song. Sweating like a saucepan lid, I opened my mouth hoping the words would fall out at the right moment – and nothing.

  'Boo-ooo!'

  The catcalls came immediately, led by Amy, who stood before the stage with a malicious smile all over her catlike face. The mu
sic trailed away. I stared out into the crowd, who were either whispering together or looking at me with derision.

  And I was a girl again at the funeral of Callum's sister, Lynette, being told to leave.

  I was a girl again in the school food hall being dragged away for sitting at Callum's table.

  I was a girl again, being beaten up in the school toilets for not hiding the fact that Callum was my friend.

  And the scary thing was, I hadn't changed. Inside, I was still that same bewildered little girl.

  'What the hell are you doing?' Jaxon hissed at me. 'For God's sake sing, or we won't get out of here in one piece.'

  After nodding at the others, the guys started playing the introduction again. But I could hardly hear them as the boos got louder and the whistles got shriller and the jeers got sharper.

  'Go back to where you came from . . .'

  'Get out of here . . .'

  'We don't want any daggers in here

  'Dagger bitch. Get off the stage . . .'

  And once again I missed my cue. Someone threw something small and hard which hit me on my forehead. A coin. I staggered backwards, my hand flying to my temple. It was bleeding. In the audience, some people started to laugh. I looked down at the blood on my fingers, red and vivid. The music trailed off again. Jaxon came over to me, pulling me back away from the mic.

  'We'd better go,' he said, already taking off his guitar.

  I didn't look at him. From the other side of the club, I could see Alice coming towards us, but even she was having trouble moving through the crowd.

  'You see,' Amy shouted at me. 'You're not wanted. Go home, dagger bitch.'

  Blood trickled down my cheek. I wiped it with my fingers then, after a moment's thought, slowly smeared it across my cheeks. And I had no idea why. But it seemed like the thing to do. I raised my hand to show the mob the blood on my fingers. The crowd were baying for my blood so I'd give it to them. The noise from the crowd before me died away to nothing as I watched them, catching and holding the eye of as many of them in turn as I could. I stepped up to the mic.

  'OK, you win. I'll get off the stage,' I announced. 'But after this.' I turned to Jaxon and said, 'I want to do Bad Attitude!'

  Jaxon came over to me, keeping a wary eye on our so-called audience.

  'Are you mad? You can't sing that. This lot will think you're singing about them,' Jaxon whispered for my ears only.

  'It got them going in the Dew Drop Inn, didn't it? And what's good enough for that place is good enough for this.'

  'It doesn't work that way,' Jaxon protested.

  'Bad Attitude or I walk,' I told him.

  Jaxon gave me a long, hard look. 'I hope you know what you're doing.' He shook his head before going over to Rhino and Sonny to tell them what our first number was going to be.

  Moments later, they started playing. I placed myself squarely in front of the mic and waited for my cue. I wasn't going to miss it again.

  You've got logs on each shoulder,

  And hatred up your sleeve.

  They say you think you 're owed it all

  And that I can believe,

  With your bad attitude.

  You've got 'why me?' on your left hand

  'Why not me?' on your right.

  Why bother talking to me,

  When you can stand and fight?

  With your bad attitude.

  You've got a back-stabbing

  Money grabbing

  Fast living

  Never giving

  Smooth talking

  Night stalking

  Bad attitude.

  You tell me I'm not living,

  That what you've got is life

  And I'd be so much better off

  If I took your advice,

  And had a bad attitude.

  But your heart is closed not open

  And your soul is made of stone,

  You'll always be a winner

  But you'll always be alone

  With your bad attitude.

  You've got a back-stabbing

  Money grabbing

  Fast living

  Never giving

  Smooth talking

  Night stalking

  No sharing

  Past caring

  Never crying

  Start dying

  Bad attitude.

  There's nowhere you can run to,

  No direction you can turn.

  There's nothing that can reach you,

  I guess you'll never learn

  With your bad attitude.

  You've got a bad attitude

  A sad attitude, you've got a bad attitude.

  The boos started somewhere around the second verse so that by the time the song was finished, I could hardly hear the music above the whistles and catcalls. Well, I didn't write the ruddy song! I smiled inwardly but it was without real humour. I'd deliberately tried to provoke a reaction – and now I had exactly what I'd wanted. A room filled with hatred, sweeping up to me and over me. I glared out, returning it tenfold.

  But then I thought of Rose. Her sleeping, smiling image came unbidden and unwelcome into my head. And everything else I was feeling began to recede. Something hard hit me on my shoulder. More missiles were being thrown. I was still standing – just. And the boos were getting louder. Amy was right. I wasn't wanted. But then, I never had been. Except by Rose. Only Rose. I wasn't fool enough to believe Meggie wanted me with her. Her only interest was her granddaughter. My daughter, Rose. That was the one thing, the only thing in the world at that precise moment that made any sense. The only thing that mattered. And in that second, I would've sold my soul to be back at Meggie's and in my bedroom, holding Rose tight to me. Rose was the present and the future. Her father was the past. Could I hold onto that? Or would Callum always come between me and my daughter. I had a choice. Bury myself in the past – with him. Or hold onto Rose and let go of everything else. But it was so hard. And I didn't know what to do. I was so confused and oh so tired.

  'I've got one more song for you,' I said into the mic, but I doubt if anyone even heard me. 'This song is Rainbow Child for my daughter, Rose.'

  And I didn't even wait for the others to start playing behind me. I just closed my eyes and started to sing. Somewhere in the middle of the song, Jaxon and the others started playing their instruments but I hardly heard them. I wasn't in Russell's any more. I was with my baby, holding on tight, spinning round and round. Or were we the ones standing still whilst the rest of the world whirled around us?

  The song finished and I was still with her, holding her so tight that she could hardly breathe. Holding on so tight because I was terrified of what I'd be without her. I had no life without her. And all around me it was strangely quiet. Eerily so. But my heartbeat was steady and my headache had gone. Far away from me, someone booed. Maybe Amy. Maybe not. It didn't last long. And then came the sound of clapping – again muffled and far away from me. Alice stood on stage clapping. Jaxon came over to me and was patting me on the back. He was talking to me but I couldn't hear what he was saying. His mouth was opening and closing, his lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. At least he looked happy.

  And then I stopped trying to make out what he was trying to say.

  Take a step back, Sephy.

  I was outside and beyond myself and watching it all from a distance. As if it had nothing to do with me. All I wanted to do was go home. I so desperately needed to see and hold and smell and touch and kiss my daughter. I so desperately needed to lock her up in my arms and never let her go. I looked down at Amy, who was scowling at me. Most of the others in the crowd were clapping. Why were they still clapping? I turned to Jaxon – and my legs crumpled under me as all the lights went out.

  forty-two. Meggie

  The doorbell rang. I knew who it'd be but that didn't stop what felt like an eagle tearing at my insides. Holding a sleeping Callie in my arms, I went to open the front door.

  'Hello, Mrs Hadley.'

/>   'Hello, Meggie. Hello, Callie darling.' Mrs Hadley stroked Callie's cheek before kissing it.

  And all the while, I never took my eyes off her. It'd been a long, long time. A voice on the phone couldn't compare to seeing Sephy's mum in the flesh. Mrs Hadley was immaculately dressed as always, but even her skilful make-up couldn't hide the fact that here was an unhappy woman. And a woman who'd been unhappy for quite some time. The lines around her eyes were longer. The grooves at the side of her mouth were deeper. Her hair was flawlessly braided as always but the silver streaks were only too prominent. She wore a burgundy-coloured trouser suit with matching court shoes and a gold scarf tied around her neck.

  'May I come in?'

  'Of course.' I stepped to one side so she could move past me. Mrs Hadley hesitated in the hall as I closed the door. The moment I turned round, there she was looking at me.

  'It's really good to see you, Meggie. You have no idea how many times over the last few years I've wanted to come and see you.'

  I wasn't sure what to say to that. Then, quite unexpectedly, Mrs Hadley hugged me. Stunned, both my arms stayed around Callie and Mrs Hadley soon let me go. Where had that come from? I looked away, embarrassed, waiting for my red cheeks to cool down.

  'How's my daughter?' Mrs Hadley asked.

  'She's fine. Sephy and I both think she fainted rather than having been knocked out or anything like that,' I said. 'Jaxon brought her straight home and she's been in bed ever since. That's why I phoned you to ask if we could meet here rather than at the coffee shop. I didn't like to leave her.'

  'She's been doing too much,' Mrs Hadley sighed. 'She's only just had a baby, for goodness' sake.'