Unspoken Words

by K. M. Golland

  Fuck it. Taking another long swig, I closed my eyes, shook my head, and placed the bottle in my pocket before opening the car door. “Come on, let’s do this.”

  Eastside reception centre was decorated in Eastside High school colours: maroon, white, and blue balloons and streamers fixed to every corner of the building. A big, foil sign that read “Congratulations, Class of ‘94’” was displayed on a stage at the back of the room, and round chairs and tables covered in white damask cloth bordered a large, makeshift dance floor.

  “This sucks,” Lilah spat out as we walked through the main doors, her arm looped over mine.

  I’d tried to subtly ease away from her before we’d stepped inside, but she’d whacked me and explained she needed my body for support because her heels had minds of their own. I didn’t get it. If she couldn’t walk in them then why wear them?

  “Our venue would’ve looked so much better. This place is old and tiny, and the decorations are cheap and nasty.”

  I glared at her. “We’re lucky we’re even having a formal. You should be grateful.”

  She scoffed. “Yeah, I guess.”

  Craning my neck in search of Ellie, I scanned the sea of heads for a familiar red even though my stomach churned at the thought of talking to her. It had been so long with so much heartache in between. But I had to. I had to see her, smell her, touch her. While she ‘breathed’ when we were apart, I’d stopped. Suffocated. And I was now more than ready to breathe again with her.

  Lilah reached up, pressed her thumb to my lip, and then giggled an over-the-top, very unlike her girly-giggle. “You have something on your face, silly.”

  I furrowed my brow at her sudden weirdness when the sound of Ellie’s voice sounded from behind.

  “Connor?”

  I spun in her direction, moving so quickly that Lilah nearly fell to the ground, my hands finding her waist to steady her on her ridiculous skyscraper shoes.

  “Hey! Ellie!” I stuttered like an idiot. “You look … absolutely stunning.”

  Her glittery green gaze landed on my hands but she quickly diverted it to my shoulder, her smile vanishing. “Thank you.” She glanced at Lilah, acknowledging her by only saying her name before looking back at me.

  Ellie opened her mouth, ready to speak when Mr Mitchell called out, interrupting her. “Ellie, honey, can I borrow you for a second?”

  “Sure, Dad.” She lifted her dress from the ground and went to walk off. “Sorry. I’ll talk to you later?”

  “Yeah. Later,” I said, watching her walk away, her red Chucks peeking out from underneath her dress. It was typically Ellie: cute and comfortable, and it made me smile until I realised I was still holding onto Lilah’s waist.

  “That was awkward,” she said, not making a point to move.

  Letting go, I decided that no matter how much she ‘needed my support’ that she could support herself or take off her stupid shoes.

  “I need a leak,” I blurted out. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Okay. I’ll find us a seat.”

  Hauling my arse to the bathroom, I pushed through the door and stood at the urinal, placing one hand on the wall for balance. I hung my head as green eyes, red hair, and a perfect smile tortured me. “I can’t fucking do this,” I murmured under my breath. I can’t be near her and not be near her.

  The door swung open behind me, so I stood straight and alert, the hairs on the back of my neck charged when I discovered Tristan to my right.

  “Bourke,” he said, unzipping his junk.

  I wanted to look down, to compare, because hey … I was a masochistic bastard like that, but I didn’t give him my full attention, instead mumbling, “Perez” before finishing my business and washing my hands.

  He, too, zipped up and joined me at the basin. “You need to talk to Ellie,” he said, before tossing a crumpled piece of paper towel past me and into the bin. “She has a few things to say to you.” Not waiting for my response, he grabbed the door handle before pausing. “Oh, and one last thing …”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Don’t hurt my sister.”

  Tristan left the room, and all I could do was lean back against the sink and look up at the ceiling. Don’t hurt my sister? Hurting Lilah was the last thing on my mind. In fact, Lilah as a whole was the last thing on my mind. It was all Ellie, from one corner to the next and back again. It was always Ellie. She has a few things to say to you. What the hell did that mean? And what was it to him?

  I didn’t like that Tristan was in my business. He didn’t belong there. And I certainly didn’t like that he seemed to know more about what Ellie needed to say than I did.

  “I need another fucking drink.” I pushed off from the basin and quickly pulled the Jim Beam out of my pocket, this time skolling pretty much all of it. If what Ellie had to say to me was goodbye, then all I could do was pray I wouldn’t remember a single second of it.

  “Connor!” The door creaked open, and Lilah’s head popped into sight. “Hurry up. They’re starting the announcements.”

  “I’m coming,” I snapped, shoving the bottle back into my pocket.

  Opening the door wider, she grabbed my hand and led me back into the hall. “You may want to stop drinking.” She raised an eyebrow then smiled and winked before adding, “and save some for me.”

  Rolling my eyes, I couldn’t help but chuckle. She was the polar opposite of Ellie. Where Lilah was championing my downward spiral, Ellie would be horrified.

  “Now why would I do that?”

  She looped her arm back over mine and whispered, “Because drinking with someone is better than drinking alone.”

  Lilah guided us to a table at the back of the room where we sat and listened to both school principals praise every student for exceptional behaviour and diligence throughout the years. They expressed their gratitude and wished us well with our future endeavours, and then they presented the Valedictorians with their awards. I was boring, and by the time the drivel was said and done, my head was light, my burdens lighter.

  Pushing up from the table, the room spun a little. “I need to talk to Ellie,” I announced, my words less crisp than when I arrived.

  Lilah grabbed my arm and pulled me down again. “Why?”

  “Because Tristan said so.”

  “What?”

  I scanned the room like a Spanish bull for a hint of red, ready to charge.

  “What you need is to sit down a little longer.” She leaned closer and practically dove into my eyes. “How much did you drink?”

  “Not enough.” I laughed.

  “Connor,” she warned. “Technically, school is not yet finished. You can still get expelled. Trust me, you don’t want that.”

  “I don’t give a fuck about school.”

  “Yeah, you do. You’ve spent the last thirteen years of your life giving a fuck about school. Don’t ruin it now.”

  “All I give a fuck about is Ellie.”

  She moved back. “Yeah, don’t I know it.”

  I was about to stand up again when the speakers beside us came to life, “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers kicking in. “I know this song,” I said, laughing to myself.

  “I wouldn’t admit that any louder.”

  Frowning, I dismissed her grump. “It’s a great song.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “Yes, it is. Look at all the people dancing.”

  “Connor, you’re seeing double. The only person dancing is Mrs Benbow.”

  Squinting, I tried to refocus and call her out on her bullshit when a soft, warm hand slid into mine, and an even softer voice filtered into my ear. “I know you’ve got the moves to this one.”

  My face lifted.

  “You wanna dance?” Ellie asked.

  “Actually, we were—”

  “Yes,” I said, cutting Lilah short. I gave her a she’ll-be-right wink, but she just rolled her eyes and ran her tongue over her teeth.

  “You remember this song?” I shouted a
bove the heavy drumbeat.

  “How could I forget?” she yelled back. “It was the first time—and possibly only time—I’ve ever seen you dance.”

  “That’s because I can’t dance.”

  She laughed. “I know!”

  Ellie led me onto the dance floor next to Mrs Benbow who was stomping around like a crazy person. “Is she one of your teachers?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “I like her,” Ellie said, resolutely. “She dances like you.”

  We stomped about to the song, mucking around as if nothing had changed between us. She twirled in and out of my arms, red curls, red satin, and red lips swirling like a fire stick, and I was very much aware that if I touched her for too long I risked getting burned in more ways than one. But I didn’t care. She was there, I was there, and we were laughing, the sparkle in her eyes once again mine.

  The music slowed as the song ended, Bon Jovi’s “Always” replacing it. I stumbled, all the bouncing and dancing about catching up to me, and nearly tipped over a table. “Sorry. Sorry,” I said, raising my hands and apologising to anyone and anything I’d offended. “I’m sorry.”

  Ellie’s smile faded, so I quickly pulled her to my chest and started swaying to the music. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing but, with Ellie, it never mattered. She gave me the strength to try without even trying.

  “You look …” I sighed and held her tighter. “You look fucking gorgeous tonight, baby.”

  She wrestled free and pulled back a little, sniffing the air near my face. “Have you been drinking?”

  “No. Okay, maybe a little.”

  “A little?”

  I dismissed her newly formed O-shaped mouth. “Just one. It’s nothing.”

  “One? Like one bottle?”

  “Nooo, Silly McWorried Head. I’m driving, see?” I slid my hand into my jacket pocket and pulled out my car keys.

  Ellie’s eyes widened. “Did you drink all of that?” she hissed, pointing to the empty Jim Beam bottle in my jacket pocket.

  “Shit!” I laughed. “Maybe.”

  “Give me those keys.”

  Before I could swat her hand away like a fly, she snatched the keys from me and turned on her heel.

  “Ellie, what the fuck?”

  “Connor Bourke, mind your language,” Mrs Benow barked from beside me.

  “Sorry. I …” Whatever.

  I took off after her, weaving in and out of dancing people, bright colours and hairspray spinning my head like a record player. “ELLIE! Come back.”

  She didn’t stop, instead bursting out of the reception centre and into the car park.

  I followed, stumbling into the cool night air, the sudden change of temperature and level of sound sobering me up a little. “WHERE ARE YOU GOING? ELLIE, STOP.”

  “NO!”

  “Slow the fuck down at least.”

  She stopped by my car, which hadn’t seemed so far from the entrance when I’d first arrived. “Are we playing late night cat and mouse?” I asked, hunching over, my hand resting on the hood.

  “What’s. Gotten. Into. You?” She pressed her hand to her chest and tried to catch her breath. “Drinking at our year-twelve formal? Really?”

  Her judgemental attitude pissed me off, so I stood straighter and leaned against the car. “What’s it to you? You haven’t spoken to me in months. Why should you care what the fuck I do?”

  “Of course I care, you idiot.”

  “Could’ve fooled me.”

  Her mouth dropped, her face reddened. “I could’ve fooled you? Ha. You can talk.”

  “I can talk? Are you serious?”

  Before I could ask if she was drunk, too, she continued her assault.

  “Oh, that’s right. You can’t talk. You don’t talk. You just write notes.”

  “BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE,” I shouted. “I did what you asked.”

  “Yeah, well it seems you’ve been doing a whole lot more.”

  “I’ve been doing a whole lot more? You’re the one fucking around with Tristan.”

  The fire in her cheeks turned to ash. “What?”

  “You heard me. Is that what you had to talk to me about. Him?”

  “What about him?”

  “That you two are together now.”

  “Connor, what are you talking about? Tristan and I are not together. You and I are. At least I thought we were until I saw you with her.”

  “You and I haven’t been together in months, after you fucked me and then fucked off.”

  Tears sprung from her eyes, and she sobbed. “Is that what you think?”

  “It’s what you did, Ellie.”

  “But I did it for you. For us. I did it so we could start the next chapter of our lives with no regrets. You wanted to move to Darwin just to be with me. You were gonna sacrifice all your choices for me. I couldn’t let that happen.”

  I stepped toward her, pointing. “I’d sacrifice every fucking thing for you. Always.”

  “But you shouldn’t. It’s … it’s not right.”

  “Baby—”

  “Please stop, Connor. I can’t … I can’t do this right—”

  “Yes, you can.”

  “NO, I CAN’T! Not with you like this.” She stepped back as if I were a disease.

  “Like what?” The car beside me seemed to move, so I grabbed it to stop it from getting away.

  “Like that. Look at you. You can’t even stand straight.”

  She turned around and started to head back to the venue.

  “Fuck this shit. Give me my keys. I’m leaving.”

  “In your dreams. You’re not driving. You’re drunk.”

  “Ellie, I’m not fucking kidding. Give me my keys.”

  The little red fire ant stopped, wrenched her arm back, and threw them into the darkness.

  “WHAT THE FUCK?”

  “YOU’RE WELCOME,” she shouted.

  “Yeah, that’s right, just leave and abandon me. You’re good at that.”

  “I ABANDON YOU?”

  “That’s what I said.”

  Ellie closed her eyes and sucked in a few short breaths before she opened her eyes, turned around, and kept walking until I could no longer see the lick of flame I’d been playing with all night.

  And that’s when it suddenly turned dark, cold and silent, and I realised I was alone.

  Again.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Connor

  “Connor! Connor, wake up.”

  The shrill of an unusual sounding bird unhinged my thoughts, but I couldn’t see it where I sat by the river, fishing rod in hand. And I couldn’t understand how it knew my name let alone speak it.

  “Connor! For the love of God, wake up. It’s cold out here.”

  The bird was really weird. It wasn’t cold; the sun was shining, the fish were biting—Ouch! Fuck. One bit me.

  “CONNOR! WAKE UP!”

  Prying my lead-weight eyelids apart, I soon realised I wasn’t fishing by the river, instead under the attack of Lilah, her taloned fingers connecting with my cheek.

  “What the fuck?” I raised my hand in defence. “Stop that.”

  “Where’re the keys?”

  “What?”

  “The keys, to your car?”

  I racked my brain for a memory that was teetering on the edge, a memory I’d much rather forget. “In the black hole,” I mumbled.

  “What?”

  “Ellie threw them in the black hole, over there.” I pointed, somewhere.

  Lilah growled like a wolf in heat. “That stupid bitch.”

  Slap! Ow. Fuuuuuck.

  “Open your eyes and show me where she threw them.”

  “My eyes are open.”

  “No, they’re not. Come on, you need to get up before anyone sees you.”

  “I don’t even see me.”

  “Connor, pleeeease. Work with me, yeah?”

  Trying hard to focus, I willed my foggy brain to communicate with my
arms and legs and pulled myself to rest on the side of my car.

  “Get off that car. It’s not yours.”

  “What?” I stared at it, almost waiting for it to explain, but Lilah was right, it wasn’t my car. “Shit!”

  “Your car is over there. I’m over here. You’re there. And your keys are where exactly?”

  I blinked a few times to find her bent at the knees, rubbing her arms to get warm. “You’re cold.”

  “No shit, Sherlock. That’s why I want to get you and me into your car to get warm, so think, Connor, where’d she throw them?”

  I pointed in the vicinity of where I thought Ellie had tossed them like trash, tossed me like trash. “Over there, but I didn’t hear them hit the ground.”

  Lilah placed a hand on my shoulder and removed her heels. “Hold these.”

  I did as I was told and watched as she disappeared into the black hole.

  “Damn it! You didn’t hear them hit the ground because there’s a bunch of friggin’ bushes here.”

  “That’s not good.”

  She growled again. “No, because it makes this even more diffi … cult. Wait a minute … I think … YES! I have them. Ouch! Fuck! Shit! What was that?”

  “Are you okay?”

  “No. Yes. I think so. I stood on something sharp.” She hobbled toward me, keys dangling from her fingertip. “But I found these. We’re good to go.”

  “Go?” I’d sobered up enough in the last few minutes to know I couldn’t drive. “I’m not going anywhere. And you don’t have your licence.”

  “Let’s just get in the car and out of sight. Plus, something is stuck in my foot and I need to get it out. I can’t do that here.”

  I agreed, unlocked the car, and climbed into the driver’s seat, reclining my chair and once again closing my eyes. “I fucked up. Ellie’s never gonna take me back now.” Reaching behind my seat into the back of my car I felt around for the bottle of water I’d left there the day before.

  “Maybe you should finally cut your losses and move on then?”

  “You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

  “Yeah, I would. But, seriously, look at you. Is she really worth all of this?”

  My fingers brushed plastic, so I opened my eyes, secured the bottle, and unscrewed the lid, bringing it to my lips and chugging down the water while contemplating what she’d just said. Yeah, deep down Ellie was worth it, but she’d ripped a gaping hole in my heart so big I—