by S M Mala
‘I think you’re going to make a mistake if you do that,’ Grace grimaced. ‘They’ll take the stories and manipulate them to make them sound good.’
‘You’ll lose a lot of support from the members,’ said Natalie, slightly horrified. ‘And all your work would have been for nothing.’
‘You don’t want to get into bed with the enemy,’ added Grace.
‘She’s already done that,’ smirked Judy into her glass.
‘The only thing I wanted was a baby and that’s not meant to be,’ Maya said, forcing a smile.
‘And a bloke?’ quipped Judy.
‘I’m not good at keeping them,’ she mumbled.
‘Sounds like Adam was a one in a million,’ smiled Grace.
‘Yes he was,’ said Maya, feeling a stabbing pain in her chest.
The evening ended quite drunkenly as she put Judy in a cab while Natalie gave Grace a lift home. They were still against her idea of talking to ‘Pregnancy Talk’ but admitted there was no harm finding out more about what they wanted.
Maya sat at her laptop, a bit pissed, and pondered on emailing Jane. Then she shook her head and thought there had to be another way around it before crashing out on her bed.
Now and the aftermath
‘I need to talk to you,’ Tony said, standing on her doorstep a week later.
‘I thought it was Eadie and Jack,’ Maya said, instantly getting angry at the sight of him. ‘If I’d had known it was you believe me I wouldn’t have opened the door.’
‘I know Maya, can I come in?’ he said and she could see he looked stressed and upset.
‘As long as you’re quick,’ she said and walked into the living room waiting for him to come through the door. ‘What do you want? I’d be civil but you weren’t exactly nice to me when we last met so I’m following the tone.’
She glared at him, now feeling hate, knowing she wasn’t thinking straight but feeling it nevertheless.
He stood and looked at her, putting his hand over his mouth. She could see he was in pain but Maya didn’t care.
She’d been through worse.
‘I’m really sorry to hear what happened to the baby,’ he said, eventually pulling his hand away. ‘I only found out a week ago. I went skiing soon after New Year and with one thing or another … I’m sorry.’
‘Okay,’ she said, looking away.
‘Is that why you came round to see me?’
‘I wanted to talk to you. They’d told me about it the day before and I thought… I thought if I spoke to you it would help as we used to be friends, remember?’ she said, feeling a sudden turmoil in her gut.
‘I got the impression you were telling me something.’
‘It doesn’t matter now. I was upset and I don’t know why I came to see you, I shouldn’t have.’ Maya breathed in deeply. ‘Look, I’ve got work to do or else I’m going to get the sack so we’ll talk-.’
‘I went to a specialist to check if my vasectomy was intact because I think that’s what you meant,’ he said, choking up.
‘I didn’t know what I was-.’
‘There’s a chance that I could have got you pregnant,’ he said and sunk to the sofa. ‘I don’t know what happened but I’m leaking sperm.’
Maya nearly keeled over at that moment as she stepped back but something inside her wanted him to suffer whereas she felt like laughing from relief.
‘Please go Tony,’ she said, not wanting to look at him. ‘Leave me alone.’
‘This changes everything,’ he said, looking up at her.
‘It doesn’t.’
‘I should have been there when-.’
‘To do what? You simply cast me aside when you were finished and fucked me on a whim. When I tried to speak to you, whether you were the baby’s father or not, you told me to go away,’ she wearily said. ‘Now I’m telling you to get out of my home.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Tony said, standing up and stepping closer.
‘Keep away from me,’ she said, holding out her hand. ‘Leave me alone and get back to your woman.’
‘We can work through this together and-.’
‘Leave me alone. Don’t you understand? I lost my baby and I thought I needed you then but not now.’
‘Jane gave me a blow by blow account of what happened and I picked up the rest from Dee,’ he said, his voice starting to break.
‘How?’
Again there was a flash of anger in her head but she let it go.
‘I was asking about you and-.’
‘You didn’t mention your connection with me?’
‘Connection?’ Tony half smiled and shook his head. ‘You mean me being the father?’
‘Us having a fling,’ she guiltily replied.
‘No,’ he sighed.
‘Good.’
‘Why’s that good?’
‘They think I’ve been banging Adam so to find out I’ve done the neighbour is going to cause all sorts of shit.’
Maya noticed he frowned.
‘Adam can’t have kids.’ Tony said quietly. ‘I thought at one time he was the sperm donor.’
‘The man has a low sperm count,’ she mumbled. ‘He stuck up for me because Dee and Harry made it clear they didn’t want anything to do with me and the baby if it was from a sperm donor, did you know that?’
‘No,’ Tony said in surprise.
‘Adam was getting pissed off about hearing about it and decided to say it was his except he forgot that they knew about his fertility.’
‘I just wondered.’
‘Why Tony? When I told you about my plans you didn’t want anything to do with me and made it perfectly clear in your actions and your words.’ Again anger fired through her and she felt unable to stop it. ‘You find out your operation was a bodged up job and come to see me. If everything had been fine I wouldn’t have seen or heard from you.’
‘That’s not true,’ he calmly replied and looked up. ‘My bodged up job, as you call it, is now sorted. I had a small operation a few days ago.’
‘I’m pleased for you,’ she angrily sneered. ‘Now you definitely can’t get anyone pregnant now. You must feel so happy and relieved.’
‘I’m not happy, Maya,’ he said stonily. ‘You know how I felt about you.’
‘You told me you weren’t in love with me and I told you I was falling in love with you,’ she replied, forcing out a laugh. ‘I was so desperate for someone. I wore my heart on my sleeve, didn’t I?’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’re sorry? Not as sorry as me,’ she said, through gritted teeth. ‘This was a mistake. I’m still angry about what happened and at you. I’m pleased you’re all sorted. At least something good came out of it.’
There was no mistaking the sarcasm in her tone as she took a deep breath.
‘I should have listened to you.’
‘Then listen to me now and go away. Leave me alone for good and let’s forget about everything that happened.’
Maya turned her back on him and waited to hear his footsteps but there was nothing.
‘I should have been there-.’
‘You weren’t,’ she gently said, turning around and seeing he was crying. ‘Adam looked after me and something good has come out of it all. He got back together with his girlfriend and they are trying for a baby.’
‘Adam!’ he said, shaking his head. ‘You know when we got together I always knew you liked Adam but something was stopping you.’
‘Him,’ she said and walked a few steps closer. ‘Tony, I’m dealing with my own pain at the moment and I can’t support anyone else.’
‘Was it a boy or a girl?’
‘A little girl called Eva Beau and she looked like Eadie,’ she gulped as tears splashed down her face.
‘That’s a beautiful name,’ he said and shook his head.
‘I can’t even get having a baby right. I’m a failure and the thing that’s hard to admit is that I’m old. My body is telling me I’m past it. They say it’s the moth
er, the maternal age of the mother. I’ve read so much about it over the past few months I know it inside out.’ Maya stood still looking at an anguished Tony and felt something stir in the lower part of her gut. ‘But it happens to young couples too so who knows. It’s life dealing you a shit hand.’
‘I care about you so much.’
‘You feel sorry for me now that’s what you mean, Tony.’
Maya smiled and looked at his serious expression.
‘That’s not true.’
‘You seriously didn’t want another child, did you? I mean, why get your vasectomy corrected so quickly?’ she blurted out knowing the information was bugging her.
‘You know why I got the vasectomy and I need to stick to that promise for my wife,’ he quietly said. ‘I owe her that much. How do you think my children would react to me fathering a child?’
‘I wanted you to be there, for me. I wasn’t going to move in and take over your life. I-.’
‘It would have happened, Maya. You’re pretty naïve to think otherwise.’ Tony stood up straight and looked at her. ‘And I would have helped you but I want you, just you.’
‘You wanted me,’ she laughed. ‘For a publisher your grammar is a bit shit.’
‘I know what I said.’
They looked at each other for a moment and Maya wanted to tell him something. She owed it to him.
‘I’m sorry Tony, for all this. You walked straight into a mess.’
‘I walked into you and I wish I could make it all better.’
‘You can’t because I didn’t want to admit something at the time which I have to face up to now because I found out a few more things when she was born … you weren’t the father.’
She looked at him and held her breath for a moment as he didn’t say a word then he turned and walk out of her home. Maya kept a few metres behind and watched as he turned to look at her before shutting the door.
Stunned for a few seconds she then collapsed to the floor and cried. It was all now horribly real but she knew she could have let him believe something to make him feel bad… but at the end of the day she wanted to protect anyone from the pain she had gone through and especially Adam from any pain he’d have to suffer if he ever found out the truth.
Now and the honesty
‘Dear All
It has been a while since I posted something on the website the last time was the day I came back from hospital. I’ll explain properly now.
I lost a baby, my beautiful baby girl Beau. She was diagnosed with ‘Edwards Syndrome’ at 22 weeks and choices had to be made when in fact there was no choice on one thing… she was going to die.
I am trying to cope and your words of encouragement have been so wonderful. I now face the stage of wondering if I should continue with my quest for a baby. The whole episode has scared me and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over it.
It’s not only the fact the baby was going to die, it is the realisation that maybe, just maybe, I will never have a baby.
All your stories are inspiring and I hope some good baby dust settles on you all. Sorry to put a downer on things but I wanted to be honest.
Love to you all.
Maya
Pushing over 40’
Now, always and forever
It was the middle of April and Maya felt happier. She was slowly coming to terms about what happened and had built bridges with Harry and Dee. Deep down she was still very angry with them but hid it for the sake of the kids.
Tony had tried again and again to get them to meet up but she wasn’t interested.
He had turned out to be less of a man, a caring human being, than she had thought and this in turn made her realise, whether she had feelings or not for him once, Tony wasn’t the one for her.
Maya sat in the garden of ‘The Swan’ and sipped on a glass of wine while reading the letter she eventually got from the hospital after chasing for a response twice since her baby had died. The spring sunshine was warm as she enjoyed her moment of peace knowing the golden rays were simply soothing the excuse the hospital had put together. She’d read it ten times already.
The Apology
Dear Ms De Freitas
I am writing further to the letter from Keith Ingram, Complaints Support Manager dated 24th September 2007 on behalf of Mark Davies, Managing Director of Imperial College Healthcare NHS Trust. I deeply regret the delay that has occurred in replying to your concerns you raised about the care you received on the Delivery Suite and I am very sorry that you were incorrectly advised by my office that are response has been sent prior to your e-mail.
May I offer my since condolences on the sad loss of your daughter and I am very sorry that you have had cause to complain at a sad time.
Mrs Lesley Spires, Deputy Director of Midwifery, would also like to offer her sincere condolences and to thank you for your kind comments about Midwives Beatrice Dankwa and Karen McCartney.
Ms Dankwa, the midwife who first came to attend you at 1.50pm remembers that it was a busy afternoon and she was informed by Mrs Marion McMorrow, the midwife you met later, that you were waiting for a doctor’s review before you could be prescribed appropriate pain relief. Ms Dankwa explained that the first time she met you was when she responded to your call bell and you requested pain relief. She told Ms Springer that she is certain that she introduced herself as she would normally do but she is sorry if she gave you the impression that she was a nurse and not a midwife. Ms Dankwa was aware that you were in pain and that the doctors were in theatre so she offered and gave you 7.5mgs of diamorphine by intramuscular injection at 2.40pm. Diamorphine is an opiate but clearly it was inadequate for the pain that you began to experience. Ms Dankwa recalls that while she was with you she did her best to reassure and support you.
Unfortunately, Mrs McMorrow does not clearly recall the incidents you described but from your medical records and the admission book she is aware that you arrived on the Delivery Suite at 1pm. Mrs McMorrow has confirmed that you were waiting for a doctor to examine you and for an anaesthetist to set up Patient Controlled Analgesia (PCA) to provide a continuous form of strong analgesia that you would be able t to control yourself. Mrs McMorrow explained that this is the usual practice with a mid pregnancy loss as yours and also that in such a case the doctor would expect to do in internal examination and not the midwife.
When Mrs McMorrow looked at your pad she would have been looking for a ‘heavy show’, a large gush of blood that is passed vaginally when the birth is imminent however, Mrs McMorrow saw no sign that the delivery was imminent. Mrs Verna Springer, Head Midwife, is very sorry that it appears that Mrs McMorrow did not hear you say that you had changed the pad, especially is a ‘heavy show’ had been evident on the previous pad.
Because of the frequency of the prescription Mrs McMorrow was unable to give you a further diamorphine injection but she did bleep the anaesthetist in theatre at 4.30pm to ask what other pain relief could be given to help you while you were waiting. As the anaesthetist could not leave the obstetric theatre a verbal order was given for intravenous paracetamol. However, there was a further delay as a cannula had to be inserted in your arm first. This was eventually done at 17.25 by the Senior House Officer and the intravenous paracetamol was given immediately, with the intention of performing an internal examination once the pain relief was effective. Mrs Spires feels that it is regrettable that a decision was made at this stage to wait before performing an internal examination as you unfortunately went on to give birth just 25 minutes later without anyone to support you. Mrs Spires appreciates that this would have been a frightening and distressing experience.
It was extremely regrettable that the intense activity on the Delivery Suite occurred at exactly the same time that you needed a doctor’s attention and Mrs Spires understands how you must have felt let down and regarded as less important. Ms Springer would like to assure you that your needs were just as important as those of the other women on the Delivery Suite, and she deeply regrets that this
was not demonstrated to you.
Mrs Spires and Ms Springer have discussed the situation and feel that one way of ensuring continuous support for women undergoing a pregnancy loss might be better to utilise the role of the Midwifery Assistant as a support person. Mrs Spires will be discussing this further with the senior midwives to establish whether this could be incorporated in the training and development programme for midwifery assistants.
I do hope that I have been able to respond fully to your concerns and that you can accept my sympathy and condolences. If you would like to discuss further with Mrs Spires please do not hesitate to contact her secretary Sheila Scott on 020 8383 5094, or should you remain dissatisfied with my explanations, please do write back to me explaining your concerns, I enclose our fact sheet ‘Following Our Investigation’ which explains the options available to you as part of the NHS Complaint Procedure.
Yours sincerely
David Foster
Director
For an on behalf of Mark Davies
Managing Director
Imperial College of Healthcare NHS Trust
Again she shook her head, knowing that Marion had ‘suddenly’ forgotten everything and the words of sympathy fell flat on deaf ears. It had taken four months to get a reply and even that confirmed their lack of true care and concern. There was nothing for her to do other than to let it go for the time being. Obviously the hospital would put it down to her grief but she knew in maybe years from now she’d see if they’d improved their ability to deal with mid-term loss.
She doubted it before wondering if it was just her own misfortune.
‘Did you miss me?’ she heard someone whisper behind her head, making her jump, before realising Adam was standing there, all tanned and gorgeous.
‘Hello,’ Maya said, unable to control the feelings bubbling away in her chest and putting the letter away.
