by S M Mala
‘You look much better since last time I saw you,’ he laughed out and sat opposite her, putting down a pint and another glass of wine.
‘So do you,’ she sighed before noticing he was grinning at her.
‘What were you reading?’
‘Nothing,’ she shrugged.
‘It was something,’ Adam said gently and held out his hand. ‘Can I?’
Maya hesitated for a moment, not knowing what she should do then realised maybe he’d say something enlightening. But then again it was Adam. She handed it over while she quickly drank the rest of her wine before starting on the one he’d bought her.
Just by looking at his eyes she could see he was getting both upset and angry before reaching the last page of the letter and glanced up at her quickly, then folded it up, handing it back.
‘You had a consultant that spoke through Eva Beau being put to sleep then had an awful time giving birth. If ever I read a whole lot of bullshit that was it. Even from the times they stated about what happened it was obvious they let you wait around. Pisses me off how a ‘sorry this’ and a ‘sympathy that’ makes it better. They fucked up and they know it!’
Maya smiled, he had summed up everything she felt.
‘And you’re not going there when you get pregnant again, I’m telling you,’ he said, making her sit back in surprise as it was the last thing on her mind.
‘To be honest…’ she quietly replied. ‘I don’t think I want to ever go through it again. It’s just not meant for me and I’ve learnt the hard way. It can happen to anyone at any age and I think… well the reality is now I’m forty three … it’s too painful to even contemplate.’
‘You feel that now but things will change,’ he smiled. ‘You just need to give it time.’
‘I’ve thought a lot about it and, look, it doesn’t matter. Where’s Penelope?’
‘Oh.’
‘Oh what? I was expecting to hear some good news about you guys,’ she said, happily, disguising her pain on saying it and seeing he’d scrunched up his face.
‘Didn’t work out and I can safely say I’m not bothered!’ he sniffed. Maya couldn’t help but let her jaw drop open. ‘Why so shocked?’
‘I thought-.’
‘You thought wrong and how comes you’ve not even emailed me?’
‘You didn’t email me.’
‘I thought you’d be too upset. I was waiting for you to tell me that everything was okay,’ Adam smiled as Maya’s heart started to rapidly beat. ‘I’ve got the money I owe you plus interest. Sorry it’s taken this long but I’ve been working on a music app that’s why I never … I know you have no idea what I’m talking about but things are looking good. I’m coming back to live in London.’
‘I’m pleased,’ she smiled, seeing he was genuinely happy.
‘And you? How’s ‘The Sperminator’?’
‘Spunkless,’ she laughed and noticed his pained expression. ‘I think it’s best to keep my savings and invest in incontinent knickers and meals for one in the future.’
Maya took a sip of her wine to avoid eye contact for a moment then noticed Adam was still smiling at her.
‘I got an email from Alice. Apparently her widowed father’s vasectomy didn’t entirely work and he had to get another little op. Personally I hope it hurt. And I hear, after he had a meltdown not so long ago about a fling he had with some old bint who he mistreated, believing he might have got her up the duff, only to find out that the baby she lost wasn’t his at all.’
It was a moment when she could have said a lot but decided to say nothing.
There was no way he was going to understand her logic on the situation and it was Adam, after all.
‘Drink up,’ he announced. ‘We’re going back to yours.’
All the way back to her flat they were silent.
And Maya felt guilty and upset but the last thing in the world she wanted to do is hurt him. Soon as they got to her living room she spoke.
‘Sorry Adam.’
He turned her around as she looked up into his eyes.
‘I know you think I’m a fool but I knew. You were in so much pain throughout but as soon as I saw our daughter, I figured it out. I didn’t know if you had, that’s all,’ he quietly said as Maya started to cry. ‘And knowing the person that you are, I realise you were trying to protect me from what you were going through, I understand.’
‘I didn’t want you to suffer… I thought if you didn’t know you’d move on and when Dee told me you weren’t coping, I felt bad, I felt really bad. Forgive me Adam. I’ve taken one of your chances away of becoming a father. I spoilt it for you and for myself.’
Slowly Maya sucked up all the tears she could and blinked back any stray ones.
‘You made me realise a lot of things and the most important one was something I didn’t want to ever admit to,’ he whispered. ‘But I thought it was best to go away and let us sort out what was going on.’
‘Then I heard you went back to Penelope and that was that. I knew how easily it would be for you to have a baby so I left well alone,’ Maya mumbled before feeling his hand against her cheek as she looked up. ‘I wanted to contact you but I knew there was no point.’
‘Silly old bint,’ he said with a wry grin. ‘Don’t you get it? It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you’re okay and you will be, in time.’
‘In time.’
‘Thing is Auntie Mimi, Uncle Adam cares about you a lot and when he was contemplating having a child with someone else, he suddenly thought he’d rather be with you than stuck with a woman he didn’t love all for the sake of having a baby,’ he said quietly. ‘And that was really hard for him to admit to.’
‘That’s why you’re talking in third person?’
‘That’s why I’m telling you that I care for you and after what happened to us, I know that you care about me too… which is obvious as you’ve been leering at me for nearly thirteen years and I’ve given in.’
‘What about your sister? My brother? How are they going to react?’
‘Badly, but we’re used to that,’ he said, leaning down and kissing her gently on the lips as she felt so happy to have him there. ‘And now you’ve got me. You’re a very lucky woman do you know that? How many men would be willing to sacrifice their sanity to be with you?’
‘Only a daft one,’ Maya laughed kissing him gently on the lips. ‘Are you sure?’
‘There’s was only ever one ‘Sperminator’ for me.’
Now one year after the passing of Eva Beau
‘Hi all
Yesterday was the anniversary of when my baby should have been born. I realised only a few weeks ago the date of her death on one of my few mementos was wrong. It showed the date she was born not the day she died.
It has been hard.
My emotions have been up and down. Sometimes I can freely talk about my baby and not a hint of feeling will come through. The other times I’m crumbling inside and I cry.
I’ve tried hard to keep on top of it but one thing the counsellor said, and yes there was one, you can’t rationalise your emotions whatever you do. I realise that mine have been bursting out all over the place. Some people close to me said I should go back to the counsellor but my choice was not to. Whether I will ever overcome the loss and shock and trauma… who knows?
I’ve got to the point when people ask about whether I want kids I tell them the truth, tell them my story. Sometimes I think I’m being cruel but I can’t lie or deny it happened. It’s now part of me, part of my make-up.
I’ll never forget her.
Some people I know try not to talk to me or are afraid to mention babies as if I’m going to freak out and scream. That’s so sad as I do feel pleased when I hear of good news but I now worry if they are going to go through the same thing and when they don’t … I wonder why it happened to me.
I’ve heard about a few horror stories of some other over 40s and then realised I was being negative. There are also some amazin
g, positive stories about people pushing over 40.
I went to the tree in Richmond Park where her ashes were scattered. I cried all the way in the anticipation of knowing that I’d left her there, under the tree. As I got closer to the biggest, strongest tree in the park I stopped crying and laughed.
Deep inside my soul I knew something would have happened to the tree and there, in front of me, part of the large tree had been struck down, reducing it by a third.
I laughed.
I thought ‘you’re telling me you’re there, aren’t you’ then I wondered if she was upset with me for not holding her for longer when she was born or letting her be put to sleep so early.
And then I realised the tree was broken, just like me.
I took a branch as another keepsake and know she’ll always be with me. She was part of me as I was of her.
Someone wrote to me that she was never meant to walk this earth. Sometimes that’s how I have felt. Time isn’t a great healer it just means you learn to cope and realise that we can’t have it all because Mother Nature does have a say.
I wonder what she said about me?
Lots of baby dust and miracles to you all! Just because we’re over 40 doesn’t mean we have to give up on our dreams? Does it?
Maya
Pushing over 40’
Published by S M Mala
Copyright © S M Mala 2013
All rights reserved. No part of this publication is to be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any forms or by any means, including photocopying, recording or any other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher/author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.
All characters in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
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