by Charity B.
I’ll just wait until it gets dark outside to check if she’s awake. Maybe Daddy will already be on the nod by then.
I turn on my radio and the music leaks into my skin. I like to dance, it makes me feel like I can be whatever I want, and when I grow up I am going to be a singer. I can make the music that I want to dance to. I like to pretend that when I grow up and people look at me, they will think I’m the prettiest girl they’ve ever seen. I want people to like me. Even though Mommy and Daddy don’t, Toben does. I wonder if he knows other kids. Maybe he will let me meet them if he isn’t too embarrassed.
Oh, I hope I get a bath.
I look outside and the moon is up, so I climb the stairs quietly, and when I get to the top, I take a big breath and slowly open the door. Mommy is smoking a cigarette on the couch, so I peek my head out further and try to look into the kitchen. Even though I don’t see him, he could be upstairs.
Quietly, I sneak over to her, and when she sees me, she groans, “What do you want?”
I sit on the couch next to her. “I want a bath.”
She flicks her ash on me. “I already fucking told you, I just gave you one.”
I don’t mean to, really, but my foot stomps against the floor. She’s so frustrating!
“No, you didn’t! That was a long time ago. I need another one.”
“Seriously, Tavin, shut the hell up about the bath.” She draws in another drag of her cigarette.
“But Toben says-” A throbbing tightness comes around my head and I can feel my body in the air before my back shatters into something, causing the familiar pain to creep around to my chest.
“You want a bath? I’ll give you a Goddamn bath.”
Daddy.
“I just don’t want to be dirty anymore!”
He brings his fist into my tummy, taking away my breath and voice. He pulls me by my hair, to the hall, causing the uneven wood floors to cut and scrape me. He yanks me up the stairs and pushes me into the bathroom, slamming my head against the toilet, making my ears ring.
There’s water running.
He kneels down in front of me, grips my chin and makes me look at him.
“Every day I pray I’ll find your little dead body in that basement and every fucking day you’re still breathing.” He pulls my hair again to get me to stand. He smells like coffee and it usually makes me sick. I’m not hungry, though, so it’s not so bad. His rough hands start ripping the buttons off my dress. I won’t be able to wear it again, and now I only have three. When I am completely undressed, he screams at me, “You don’t want to be dirty? Well then let’s get you motherfucking clean.”
He picks me up and throws me into the tub. The hard porcelain sends a sharp jolt through my body when my spine hits the side. He flips me over so that I’m on my stomach and I feel his hand grip my head to push it down beneath the water. I’m not very good at holding my breath. I keep thinking he will let me up. He doesn’t. My throat and my chest are on fire, it hurts and I’m so scared. I need to breathe! I try to kick and get away while he holds my body down. I think my head is going to explode. I wonder what will happen once I am dead. Where will I go? Maybe it will be pretty…
Air. Air rushes into my lungs. It burns and I welcome it with big gulps. I try to get all the oxygen I can. The water splashes around me and I can’t hear anything besides the rushing in my ears.
“Damn it, why do you always push him?” My eyes burn and tears start falling from the relief of being able to breathe again. “One of these days I won’t be here to stop him.”
“Why do you?” I’m able to yell at her, even though it takes all the air I have gained.
She starts putting shampoo in my hair when she chuckles, “God, I really don’t know.” Silently she scrubs until eventually, she breathes out, “I should have listened to him and had you vacuumed out. It would have saved us all loads of trouble.” Her nails feel good as they scratch my scalp. “I should have, I was just too scared that they’d know about the drugs and send me to jail. And I hadn’t even tried tar yet, I was just on a lot of coke. Besides, I got more business the further along I got, so I talked him into letting nature run its course.” She rinses my hair by pouring a cup of water over my head. “You’ve always been a stubborn and defiant little shit, and you just refuse to die.”
“Why don’t you just give me away?” I like it when she talks to me, even if what she says is mean. She usually just wants me to go away or shut up.
She shrugs. “You can come in useful sometimes.” She starts looking at me funny, right in the eyes. “When you were first born, the hormones made me…feel things. I thought I wanted you.” She stops looking at me and picks up the loofah to put some soap on. “Brian was so angry. He knew it wouldn’t last though, so he left us alone. You were a happy baby at first and I thought you might grow on him. There was one day though, you began to cry constantly. I almost killed you, myself, it was so maddening.” She scrubs under my arms and across my back. “I remember coming into the living room and Brian had you on the floor. He was smothering you with a couch pillow and I almost let him. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t. It’s like that every time. I guess I just don’t want you to die…” Her voice trails off before she shakes her head and smiles at me. “I mean, no one else can find a vein like you do.”
“Do you love me, Mommy?”
She sighs and shakes her head. “I can’t, baby.”
“Well, I love you.” She puts some conditioner in my hair. “Can I wash myself from now on? All I need is soap.”
“Jesus, I don’t know. Here, start by rinsing yourself off.” She gets up to get a towel from the cabinet. Once I have all the soap off, she holds it open. “Stand up.” She wraps the towel around me and I pretend she’s hugging me.
“Daddy ripped my dress and all the ones I have are dirty.”
Her eyes narrow as she snaps, “You’re such a stupid bitch sometimes, Tavin. This is what I mean, you push him. You know he doesn’t want you to call him that.”
“He is my daddy.”
When she’s finished drying me off, she ties the towel around me. “He doesn’t want to be.” She looks at me and frowns. “I’ll see about getting you some new clothes okay? For now though, just deal with what you have.”
“Wake up, lazy bones.” I feel myself smile even before I open my eyes. It’s Toben! I throw my arms above me to stretch out, rolling a little to get all loosened up and reach as far as I can with my toes. “That’s quite the stretch,” he laughs.
I open my eyes and sit up. He’s sitting on the edge of my bed in a gray sweater and his hat. “Hi.”
His face is bright with a grin. “Hey.” He looks at me and tilts his head. “Did you take a bath?” I can’t stop my smile from covering my face and I nod my head. He lies back on my bed. “So, what do you want to do today?”
I push off the blankets and sit on my knees looking down at him, “Can we get food again?”
His eyes sparkle when he says, “Of course.” Then he looks at my dress and frowns. “Wait, they gave you a bath and didn’t wash your clothes?” He sits up and puts his arm around me. “Come on, all I have are boy clothes, but at least they’re clean.”
I want to clap my hands and jump up and down. Two days in a row with food, two days in a row leaving my house, and best of all: two days in a row with Toben.
Two months later—December, 2001
I HOPE HE CAN COME today. I look out at the street and I shiver because it’s so cold. I keep my eyes peeled for the big, yellow bus. Even though he doesn’t ride it, he usually comes over soon after it leaves.
He’s been teaching me so many things. I can write my name, his name, and a few other words, all by myself. I can count all the way to one hundred, I know the days of the week, and I’m learning months. He says he’s going to teach me to tell time and to read. He is my best and only friend. He has other friends, but he says that I am his favorite. I met some of the kids he goes to school with, once, and I don’t think th
ey liked me. He yelled at one of the other boys for calling me ‘retarded’ and made him apologize.
I hate that he has to go to school all week. I spend the whole time waiting for the weekend because we get to spend it together going to the park, the beach, or to the pier to watch the boats. Oh, how I wish I could ride on one of them! He brings me something to eat every time he comes over, so I haven’t gone more than two days without food, since I met him.
Once, on a Sunday, we had been gone all day, and while we were out, Daddy wanted help with his needle and I wasn’t there to do it. He was so mad by the time I got back, he was waiting in my room and immediately started to hit me. I don’t know why Toben came back. I’m glad he did though. He used one of the electrical cords to wrap around Daddy’s neck. I couldn’t believe it. Daddy told him that he would pay for that and I think he did because when he came over the next day, he even had bruises on his face and that never happens. I cried and cried because he got hit because of me. Ever since then, though, Daddy always leaves me alone when he’s here.
Toben’s daddy’s name is Jarod. He and my daddy have been spending loads of time together. They don’t shoot tar anymore, though. Recently, they’ve started using ‘white’-that’s what they call it. It’s not really much different to make, it’s just a powder instead of sticky goo.
The yellow bus comes and leaves and he still isn’t here. My feet are cold and hurting from standing on the ladder because I didn’t put on shoes. My shoes scrunch up my toes, so I don’t like to wear them. Even though I know he can’t come every single day, I still get so sad when he doesn’t. I try to wait a little while longer, I’m freezing, though, and can’t wait anymore. I climb down the ladder and back inside, through my window. I lie down on my bed. I don’t feel like drawing or dancing right now.
Suddenly, stomping footsteps are coming down the stairs, so I run and hide behind the wall by the bathroom. I bet Daddy just got home.
“Tavin? Where are you?”
It’s Toben!
I run out from behind the wall to hug him. “I didn’t think you were coming today, you always come to my window.”
He walks over to my bed and throws his backpack down on it before he sits. “I know, my dad picked me up from school today. I think he is trying to look good for Mr. James, his boss. He never gets me from school and he was being weirdly nice the whole drive here. For some reason, he brought Mr. James over here to meet your dad. They’re upstairs right now.”
“Your dad doesn’t hit you when Mr. James is around?”
Toben shakes his head. “He won’t hit me around anyone, except your dad.”
I wonder if Daddy will be nice to me around this man. He has never been nice to me. I wonder what it would be like.
“Let’s go meet him.”
He gives me a funny look. “Why?”
“Because I want to feel it.” I turn around and run up the stairs.
I hear Toben chasing me. “Wait, Tavin! Feel what?”
When I open the door, Mommy, Daddy, Mr. Michaels, and a man who has to be Mr. James, are all sitting around the dining room table. I slow my pace and hear Toben’s footsteps behind me. My heart is thumping so hard it hurts. What if Daddy doesn’t care about this man? He will be so mad that I interrupted them. Then I will really get it. They still don’t notice me, so I take a deep breath and close my eyes before I finally work up the courage to speak.
“Daddy?”
They all turn to look at me and I’m only watching him. His blue eyes are filled with hatred when he stands so fast the chair falls backwards. He’s on me in one big stride.
“What did you just call me?”
I’m shrinking. He brings his hand across my face so hard I feel my neck pop, before I hit the floor. I scream from pain when he brings his boot against my spine.
A voice that is slow and steady seems to still the entire room.
“Is this completely necessary?”
I hear a chair scrape against the floor and when I pull myself to my knees, I’m staring at a pair of shiny, black shoes. My eyes slowly follow a long pair of gray pants all the way up to the face that matches the calm voice. His hair is brown and he looks a little bit older than Daddy and he’s dressed up nice. He holds his hand out to me. “Come now, it’s alright.”
I put my hand in his and he pulls me up. When I raise my head toward him, I meet his golden eyes, and my stomach feels queasy. He lets go of my grasp and brings his hand to my cheek. He softly runs his thumb across my skin and lets out a low groan before turning back to his seat. Daddy looks livid and I am frozen in place.
Mommy breaks the silence. She’s angry too. “Go back to your room, Tavin.”
Toben’s fingers lace with mine as he pulls me back to the basement. Once we get to the bottom of the stairs, he lifts my chin to look at my face.
“Are you okay?” I nod. There’s sharp throbbing in my back, but he doesn’t need to know about that. “I want to stick his precious needle right into his fucking throat. I hate that he treats you like that, it’s just, my dad…he was glaring at me.” His fists ball up as he turns on his heel. Hunching his shoulders, he lets out a snarl. “I hate that he can control me and make me feel so scared! So small! I want so badly to kill the bastard in his sleep and I still can’t bring myself to do it. I want to kill your dad, too!” He’s starting to get too loud.
“Shhh, Toben you have to be quiet.”
My heart starts racing, I can’t let Daddy hear him.
His shoulders slump and he lets out a breath as he whispers, “He makes me feel so weak. All he had to do was stare at me and I couldn’t protect you, but someone has to or that asshole is going to kill you!”
I smile at him to calm him down. “You don’t need to protect me, Toben. I just want you with me. That’s it.”
He smiles as he hugs me. “Who would have thought my best friend would be a girl?”
We are listening to System of a Down on my iPod when my dad yells down the stairs, “Toben, we’re leaving, let’s go.” His voice is so fake I want to barf.
“Okay,” I yell back. “What he really wants to say is: hurry your ass up, you little fucktard.” I horribly mimic my dad in a whisper, so I can hear her giggle before I leave, and I’m not let down. I jump off the bed with a smile and a wink before I run up the stairs.
I glare at Mr. Winters before I follow my dad and Mr. James. Once we are in the car, I put my headphones in and lay my head against the back seat. I don’t have any music playing though because I want to hear what they talk about. My dad turns the car around to go back to the plant where he works.
“Sir, I want to apologize for the episode back there. I never imagined he wouldn’t keep himself under control in front of you.”
Mr. James waves his hand and lights a cigarette. “No matter. We were guests in his home.”
“I know that you’re selective about who you sell to. Just know, he’ll be a loyal customer and he’s trustworthy. He keeps his mouth shut, his head down, and he’s a hard worker. He’s just not much of a parent.”
“Yes, you’ve mentioned all this before, Jarod. No need for more gushing.” I can’t decide if he’s bored or irritated.
We drop Mr. James back at the factory, and I make no attempt to get in the front seat. I keep my headphones in so my dad doesn’t talk to me, and he still reaches back and yanks them from my ears.
“Don’t think I didn’t see you getting all pissy over Brian’s little bitch.” He turns back to take me to my bike at the school. “What kind of fucking pussy spends all of his time with a retarded little girl anyway?”
I hate when people say that about her. “She’s not retarded! She has the worst parents in the world who don’t even let her go to school! She’s actually smart. She picks things up pretty fast.” I meet his eyes in the rearview mirror. “Why do they hate her so much?”
“Because she fucked up their life just like you fucked up mine. Make no mistake, you dumb shit, you killed the only person I have
ever loved, and I’ll never forgive you for it. If I could throw you in a basement and forget your fucking face, I would.”
I don’t say that I believe him. I just keep my mouth shut for the short drive to my elementary school. He barely lets me get out of the car before peeling out.
I don’t know what to think about Mr. James. He has a way about him that makes me feel weird, like there is something off or not right. He helped Tavin, though, and that earns him some points in my book. I just don’t understand why a guy that owns a huge company like Rissa, would be a heroin dealer. I know that’s what they were talking about. That was the purpose of him coming to Tavin’s house; he was deciding if he was going to sell to Mr. Winters. Apparently, beating the shit out of a little girl isn’t bad enough to fail the test.
Two months later—February, 2002
I am able to get up early enough to see Toben on his way to school. He tells me he has a surprise for me and he will give it to me tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to make it the whole day! I’m too excited to see what it is.
As I climb back down the ladder, I hear the quietest little purr. I look around to see where the sound is coming from, and my eyes land on an orange cat, blinking at me. I reach out and he lets me grab him, so I take him into my room.
His name is Mr. Tickles.
It’s such a wonderful day! Mr. Tickles cuddles with me on my bed and lets me pet him. I wish I had food to give him. I get him some water and put it in a tea cup. He doesn’t drink it though. I draw a picture of him and dance with him while we listen to the music on the radio. I know all the words because they play this song a lot. The day is going by so fast with him here to keep me company. I can’t wait to show him to Toben. I hope he likes the name I picked.
I hear footsteps and I can’t believe it is already time for him to be out of school. I pick up Mr. Tickles and carry him to the stairs, but by the time I see that it isn’t Toben, it’s too late.
