by Charity B.
“What the fuck are you holding?”
He will hurt him. I just know it. I don’t answer him, I just turn to run to my window so I can set Mr. Tickles free and away from Daddy. I’m not fast enough, though, Daddy grabs a fist full of my hair and pulls me back hard, causing me to land hard on the concrete floor. I am able to keep ahold of Mr. Tickles and I think that he’s okay until Daddy rips him away from me. I’m not able to close my eyes fast enough to miss him twisting his head.
I can feel my scream roll up my throat. “No!”
Please let it not be true! I just got him, he can’t be dead! I can’t stop myself from crying so hard. How can he kill an innocent creature? Mr. Tickles didn’t do anything!
He hates me? Well I hate him! I have always hated him. I can’t stop him, though, I’m too little and I’m not strong enough. I wish more than anything that Toben was here. He would have saved him, I know it. I keep crying and Daddy just drops him on my floor and leaves. Why did he even come down here? I reach out to pet him and fresh tears pour out. I lie on the floor as I hold my precious baby to my chest.
“Tavin?” Hearing Toben’s voice makes me cry harder as I hold Mr. Tickles tighter. I feel him kneel next to me, “Oh no, what happened?”
My words don’t come out right through my sobs. “He killed him.”
“Oh, Tav, come here.” He lifts me up by my arms, pulls me next to him, wraps me in the biggest hug, and lets me cry all over him. He’s the only one who has ever hugged me. I don’t know how long he holds me before his throaty voice says, “We need to bury him.”
He picks up Mr. Tickles and carries him out my window. I can’t follow him, I don’t want to watch. I just lie down and let my pillow soak up my tears. How can I already love him so much after only one day? He had loved me back, I know that he did. Toben seems to be gone a long time, but he comes back eventually. He crawls into bed with me and when his arm drapes over me, I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. When I open my eyes, I see he has a red box in his hand that’s shaped like a heart.
“What’s that?” My voice is scratchy from crying.
“It’s your surprise. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
I roll over to face him. “Another holiday? I thought you said that they aren’t every month?”
He smiles, even if it’s sad. “I guess this time of year it seems like they are.” He fidgets with the box. “Open your mouth.” I do and he plops something inside. A smile that is more sincere, peeks out when he urges, “Chew it, silly.”
I do and it is the most delicious thing that I have ever tasted. It’s sweet, crunchy, and chewy. Without even meaning to, I hear myself saying, “Mmmm.”
He laughs. A sound I need to hear terribly. “It’s a chocolate,” he says.
I haven’t swallowed it all yet when I tell him, “I like chocolate.”
His cute grin makes his eyes sparkle.
“Obviously.”
He’s so wonderful for trying to make me feel better, because I’ve never felt like this before. I’m so sad that my chest hurts and I let more tears fall. He holds me as I cry for a long time. He’s never stayed this late and when he gets up to leave, my heart jumps into my throat. I miss Mr. Tickles and I don’t want to be by myself.
“Please don’t leave.”
He sighs and takes off his shoes. “Okay, I just can’t be late for school tomorrow.”
When he lies down next to me, I don’t know why, I guess I am just so happy with how nice he is to me, I softly put my lips against his.
“You kissed me,” he whispers.
I just nod and lay my head against his chest.
My first kiss. Tavin Winters gave me my first kiss. She’s different from everyone else. She’s her own color, her own song, and she’s my best friend. My lips tingle where hers had been. I can hear her steady breathing and I know she’s already asleep.
I can’t believe that waste of oxygen killed her cat, and I truly fear for her life. The thought of telling someone about her situation has crossed my mind, but if our parents are like this, how much worse is it out there? I hate myself for being selfish and keeping my mouth shut, because if anyone knows and they take her away, I’ll never see her again. While the thought of running away with her jumps into my mind again, so do the questions of how I will feed her and make sure we have a place to sleep. I’m just a kid.
I have to make sure that I’m awake in time for school so I set the alarm on my watch. It feels like I just closed my eyes when I hear the beeping. I try to be extremely careful as I slip out of bed so I don’t wake Tavin. Too bad I didn’t set the alarm for earlier, then I could run home to shower. Well, it’s too late now. I hope my dad never realizes I was gone all night. He’d be pissed.
Watching her sleep for a moment, I put on my backpack and slip out the window. Once I’m on the lawn, I throw on my beanie and jump on my bike to head to school.
Lately, I have been separating myself from my friends. I just can’t listen to what great movie they saw, or video game level they beat, or concert they have tickets to. It’s all pointless, meaningless shit. They talk all the time, they just never say a damn thing. Even Christopher and I rarely hang out at all, anymore. I put more effort into my school work and intently listen to the lessons because I will be teaching them to Tavin and I have to make sure I explain them right. I spend my days wondering if she’s okay, and I’m scared that one day I will go to her house and she’ll be gone and buried like her cat.
After school, I head home for a shower. As I ride by Tavin’s, I don’t see her little head poking out of the window. What I do see is Mr. James’ dark gray Mercedes parked outside her house. He’s been over a couple of times and he never speaks to me.
I feel better after my shower and I’m pedaling fast, back to Tavin’s, when I see Mr. James and another man I don’t know, leaving her house. I drop my bike in her yard and climb down the old metal ladder, open her window, and jump through. I can hear her soft voice humming, I just don’t see her. Suddenly, her head pops up by her bed and her face brightens when she sees me.
“Toben!” She pushes to her feet. “You didn’t wake me up this morning, and I was hoping to see you before you left.”
I sit on her bed as I pull out the books. She doesn’t even realize she’s already learning to read, and today I am going to show her. She knows all of the letters. It was like once I sang the ABC song to her, she had it down. I am shocked at how quickly she picks things up. She struggles with math, but I focus mostly on teaching her to read. Even though it took her a little longer to learn the sounds, she knows them now, as well.
I’ve noticed that every once in a while, her head kind of twitches, a small, jerky movement. The first couple times I didn’t even think about it, it’s just when she gets frustrated it becomes a little bit more noticeable. Since I have been trying to teach her things, I’ve noticed when she doesn’t know what the answer is or she just doesn’t know what to say, she does it.
I think Sesame Street has helped. I know she’s technically too old for it, but I think it’s been a part of her picking up the letters so fast.
“You looked so peaceful and relaxed. You don’t get to be that way very often.”
She sits next to me and I see that she’s dirty again. Her whore mom had actually given her some shampoo and soap and she has been cleaning herself every day. She’s obviously out of the soap now.
Her breath is shaky. “I’m sorry, Toben. You left your chocolates and I got hungry and ate them all.”
Her face looks so ashamed like she’s committed some horrible crime. A laugh jumps from my mouth. “I brought them for you, silly. They were your Valentine chocolates.”
She perks right up with a smile. “Oh. Thank you.”
I pull out the book I got from the lower grade library, a notebook, and a pen, from my bag. “Are you ready to read?”
She smiles and nods. I open the book and the first damn word is cat. I turn the page-we will just skip that. The next wo
rd is hat. I have her sound out the h and a, then I explain that since the h comes first, you say that sound before the others. Once we get to the t, I tell her to put all the sounds together.
“H—ha-t. H-a-t. Hat! It says hat!” Her eyes are so bright against her pale skin.
“Good job! See it’s easy, you just have to practice.”
I’ve read the letter my mother wrote to me a million times-always alone and always to myself. I will never tell my dad about it, there’s no way he would let me keep something like that. It’s the single most important thing I own and I have wanted to share it with someone for a long time. I almost told Christopher about it, I was just scared he would call me a pussy. I want someone to read it to me so I can imagine her voice. To have a girl do it would be great; to have Tavin do it would be perfect. I can’t wait until she’s able to.
“I have the book for a month so keep it for a while and practice when you can.”
“I will, I promise.” She’s already turning to the next page.
I smile at her. “I am proud of you, Tavin.”
“I’m proud of you, too.”
I chuckle. “For what?”
With a shrug she giggles. “I don’t know, it sounded nice.”
One month later—March, 2002
I am so glad the weather is getting warmer. That means it’s getting closer to summer and Toben won’t have to go to school for a long time. There was food in the kitchen, yesterday. I found cheese and a package of noodles. I broke the noodles apart and sucked on each one so they would last me a long time. I ate the cheese fast, though. I’m getting hungry again. It seems like the more I eat, the hungrier I get.
I sneak up the stairs and don’t even have to get halfway to the top and I know she’s with a man. Dang, now I have to be super quiet. When I open the door, I see Mommy on her knees, on the floor, in front of a blond man, sitting on the couch.
The man is pushing her head down, “Yeah, that’s it. Suck it, whore.”
As I tip toe across the living room, I pretend that I am sneaking past a sleeping dragon and if he wakes up, he will burn me to bits. Once I’m in the kitchen, I climb up on the counter. There are still noodle packages! I grab one and climb down to open the fridge. There are a couple of slices of cheese and some beer; I get one of each.
They are having sex now so it’s much easier to sneak past the dragon.
I eat the cheese and chew on the noodles while I draw on my wall. After a while, I look at the clock on my radio and it shows two zero three. Toben will be out of school soon. I go upstairs. Maybe Mommy will talk to me instead of telling me to go away.
She’s still on the couch and is smoking a cigarette.
“Hi, Mommy.”
“What?” She snaps at me. She doesn’t want me around, so I turn to go back downstairs. “Well, since you’re here, you might as well fix me up.”
I walk over to the coffee table and pick up the spoon with the crooked handle. There’s still a glass of water next to her, so after I sprinkle the powder into the spoon, I stick the needle into the cup and pull up on the plunger to get enough to mix with.
“Do you like what those men do?”
She snorts. “They sure think I do.”
I think that means she doesn’t. I don’t think Daddy likes his job either. I’m very careful not to spill and when I lift the spoon, I use Mommy’s lighter to heat it up until it starts bubbling. I put the cotton ball in and watch it swell up before I stick the needle inside of it.
“Straighten your arm, Mommy.”
I clean the inside of her elbow with a wet nap and flick the syringe before I push up to get all of the air out. After tying her arm off with a tourniquet, I search for a good vein and tap her arm. When the blue line rises, I slide the needle in, pull back for blood, remove the tie, and inject her.
I’ve learned that TV makes time pass faster, when I’m waiting for Toben, so I turn it on and sit on my bed. I see a commercial for a princess doll with long blonde hair and a prince doll who also has pretty blond hair. I don’t know how to get them though. Maybe I can make my own! I decide I want to draw, so I turn off the TV and I reach under my bed to get my pencils and pens. I have a lot because I always take them whenever I see them, and ever since I’ve been leaving the house with Toben, I find them everywhere.
There is a song that plays on the radio that I like so much. It makes me think of him and I hum it to myself as I draw the blonde prince and princess dolls. I don’t realize how much time has passed, because I jump when I hear Daddy yelling.
Uh-oh.
He is home and he’s coming to get me. I drop my pencil and move my bed to cover up my drawing. I don’t think-I just hide. There are some boxes by my bathroom so I run and crouch down behind them. My chest is sore from the hammering of my heart. Maybe he will think I left and go away. The BOOM BOOM BOOM of his shoes pounds the stairs and vibrates in my ears before the sound softens as he steps onto the concrete.
“Tavin! If I have to look for you things will be worse!” I squeeze my eyes shut and try to get further behind the boxes. He has something in his hand. I don’t know what it is, but I bet it will hurt. He shoves open my closet doors and I can’t see what he’s doing, I can just hear his mumbles and grunts as he reaches high inside. It gets so quiet, I cover my mouth so my breathing won’t be too loud. He walks away from the closet and the black thing he was holding is gone so he isn’t going to hit me with it. He’s pacing around my room, so I close my eyes because it makes me feel invisible.
“Goddammit, Tavin! Get the fuck out here!”
I jump at his yelling and bump one of the boxes, making it fall. Oh no, no, no! His hateful blue eyes meet mine for a split second before his hand comes down and yanks me into the air by my dress. I am able to catch myself with my hands, so my face doesn’t hit the floor. “Every time with this, you stupid, little cunt.”
I feel a hard slam against my back and the pain vibrates around me. Tears fly from my eyes as the sounds of my crying pour from my throat. I just don’t want it to hurt anymore. Rolling toward him, I plead without thinking.
“Daddy, please! Stop!”
“I swear you like getting the shit beat out of you!” My ribs explode, the sting from my back meets up with the hot pulsing in my side. “How many times do I have to fucking repeat myself?” He’s on the floor with me when he hits me in the tummy. “Do.” He brings his fist back and hits my chest. “Not.” Then my arm. “Call.” Each blow seems harder than the last. “Me.” He finally backhands me and my entire face shakes, burning from the force. “Daddy!” He must have stood back up because I feel his hard shoe kick my ribs again. I need it to stop.
“I’m sorry!”
My head hurts as he pulls me to my feet by my hair and drags me to my bed. The blanket presses against my face when he shoves me down. He throws his kit at me and it hits me in the chest. Sharp pain shoots through me when I sniff and unzip the kit.
“Make it fucking quick,” he barks.
I will. I want him on the nod as fast as possible. He sits down next to me and rolls up his sleeve, as I prepare his fix. By the time I’m done, he’s already tied himself off, so I push it into him. I have a little while before he will be awake enough to go upstairs. I look at the clock and it shows four zero eight.
Oh. That’s way after Toben is usually here, so he must not be coming today.
My body hums with the constant ache that I ignore and I pretend that Toben and I are at a fancy ball, and I have a long, puffy, pink dress on. We dance around the ballroom and everyone watches us because we are so beautiful. Nobody hates us, they all love us and cheer at how well we dance together.
Daddy moves around and he’s always angry when he wakes up, so I run to my window and climb the ladder. Once I am safe at the top, I look toward Toben’s house. I can almost see it. I’ve never gone to his house alone before, and his daddy scares me, but I want to see him. Besides, he says I am big enough to do most things by myself, I just have to do it, s
o I am going to go over there and see if he wants to talk to me.
When I skip onto his lawn, I see his window is really high. Maybe I can climb up the tree and jump. It’s not that far. As I grab a branch and pull my way up, I feel the tree scraping my feet and the throbbing pain from my Daddy’s beating jabs at me. When I climb high enough, I break off a stick and throw it at his window. I make it on the first try and nothing happens. I try it two more times. Dang! He isn’t home. I’m about to climb back down and go home when he finally shows up in his window. I feel myself grin, while he barely smiles. He lifts his window and his shirt is off. I see all the red, and the agony on his face. He’s hurt!
“Toben! What happened?!” I climb to the edge of the branch to leap to him.
“Tavin, don’t you dare jump.” His voice is strained.
“Well, I’m going to, so you better move out of the way.”
I push with my legs and stretch out my arms. The distance looks shorter than it really is. I thought I could jump right through, but I’m not going to make it, so I just reach. My arms wrap over the edge of his window sill as I dangle against the shingles. My body screams when the sharpness shoots to my toes and I hang on tight.
The ground is further down than I thought.
I pedal fast. For some reason, all my teachers decide to pile on the homework for tonight. Before I met Tavin, I would have just said screw it, now, though, I’ll be teaching her this stuff, so I have to make sure I know it.
When I get home, I head to the kitchen for a soda. My dad is already home and he’s opening up a box on the kitchen table. Even though I find it odd that he doesn’t talk some kind of shit, I get my cola and try to rush past him. Just as I pass by, his open hand smacks my chest and he shoves me against the wall, making my shoulder blades stab at the contact. When I focus, he’s staring deep into me. His blue eyes darken with his fury and are rimmed in tears. I can smell the alcohol as I glance over to the open bottle of whiskey next to the box.
