by Charity B.
When the needle punctures my skin, I sigh in relief.
Finally.
Three years and one month later—April, 2010
CHRISTOPHER’S SO WASTED BY THE time we show up to his house. His mom gushes over how Toben has grown into a ‘man’ and it’s painfully obvious that he’s eating it up. I glare at him as we go downstairs and he laughs. Jerk.
“Relax, Tav, I just like the attention.”
Another unconscious jab. He wouldn’t ever make me feel bad about it on purpose, but he says stuff like that all the time, lately. He likes the attention that I’m not giving him-that’s what he really means. It isn’t fair though, because I’m trying. I let him lick my nipples and rub against me when we make out. I even let him touch his hand over my panties. He’s even come from it a few times, I just can’t go past that yet and I get scared that I won’t ever be able to.
He’s gorgeous. I’ve always known it and it’s even more true now that I’ve seen so many other men. He’s also my closest friend, my deepest love, and my only family. The idea of him inside me literally makes me weep and I don’t understand why.
“Toben! Oh, hey, Tavin!” Christopher’s big grin makes me laugh. “You guys want shots?”
I really like Christopher. He’s my only other friend and he really cares about Toben. He truly is such a good friend to him and they clearly have a strong connection. No one can make Toben laugh like he does, not even me.
Christopher always tells me he is in love with me. I know he’s just playing around, except the other night, he kissed me and it didn’t seem like a joke then.
I nod and Toben smiles. “Sure.”
Christopher hands me a shot glass. “What do you want to listen to?”
Last week, I saw he had my favorite Nirvana album downloaded. “Can we listen to Nevermind?”
“No! For the love of all that is holy, no.” Toben shakes his head. “I hate grunge and I’ve already been forced to hear the shit out of that CD.” Christopher’s finger hovers over his keyboard as Toben points a finger in his face. “Don’t you fuckin’ do it.” He loves to egg Toben on, so he clicks the button to play Smells Like Teen Spirit. He laughs his drunk butt off as Toben tries with all his might to give him a straight-faced glare.
I love how he is around Christopher, it’s as if he is floatier. He definitely smiles a lot more. He finally told him that he dropped out of boarding school and is back to stay. Thank goodness, because now he won’t be so dang paranoid every time we go somewhere. I down the first shot and it burns the whole way. Jeez this stuff is disgusting. Christopher hands me his soda to chase it and Toben gets a kick out of my reaction. Pulling me into his lap, he takes his shot. He pulls it off better than I do.
I take two more and Toben takes three. He kisses down my neck while he moves my hair off my shoulder. As he holds my hand, our matching ‘When you bleed, I bleed’ tattoos almost touch. We got them after our eighteenth birthdays. They’re right beneath our scars. His is in my handwriting and mine is in his. When Logan saw them, he beat the crap out of us both. It was the worst beating we’ve had since being let out of the basement, and they’re worth every second of it.
Bright orange glows as I light the bowl and I watch the smoke fill the glass. I lift it before I suck in all of the smoke and hold my breath as it burns my throat. After I pass the bong to Tobe, I can’t hold it anymore. I cough harshly as I start feeling the brain vibrations.
Christopher does an impression of some famous person, except he’s completely smashed so I’m pretty sure he’s doing a terrible job.
“Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?”
Toben finds it amusing though, and it’s his laugh that makes me smile. My phone goes off and the caller ID says its Logan. He must be back in town. Dang. Oh well, it had been a nice few weeks while it lasted.
“Hi, Logan.”
“Hello, Lotus. It sounds like you’re having fun.”
“We’re at Christopher’s.”
“Well, I want to play. I’ll be there in twenty minutes and I want you both kneeling when I arrive.”
“Yes, Logan.”
I hang up and Toben groans, “Sorry dude, we gotta bounce. Are you coming to the club with us tomorrow?”
“Yeah I-argh-” He bangs his knee against his dresser. “Just text me.”
We use the walk home to get sobered up as much as possible, before Logan gets to our house.
I can’t take anymore. He’s been pounding into me for more than two hours now. Lately, he’s been getting quicker. If I suck hard enough or fuck fast enough, he will come within thirty minutes, but today, nothing is working.
He finally gives my pussy a break to slide into my mouth. I swallow him as deep as I can as he pumps himself in and out.
“God, I did a good job with you.” I flick the head with my tongue before taking him all in again. He groans as he pulls my mouth off of him and shoves me down on the bed to push himself back into me. I want to cry from how sore I am as I press my body hard against his.
He slices his knife across my thigh while his other hand rubs over my clit. No, not again. I can’t do it anymore. He’s drained me, I don’t have anything left.
“Come on my dick, Lotus.”
“I’m trying.” He bites hard onto my nipple. “I’m too sore.”
“Oh, you don’t know sore, my little slut.” Rolling over, he pulls me on top of him. I use all my force to slam my body down, biting my lip to keep quiet.
Sickening.
“Toben, hit her,” Logan orders. Toben has been waiting for that. His whip seems to be connected to the pulse between my legs as the dirty sensation builds. It’s going to happen again. “Beg for it, Lotus.”
“Please, Logan.” I hate myself when I can’t stop a soft moan from escaping as the tightness falls over the edge and my body bursts into a thousand pieces.
Little, fucked up freak.
He slaps my breast. “I miss these not being here.” Finally, his pace picks up and he curses me. “Fuck you! Dirty bitch!” Oh, thank goodness, he’s almost done. The repulsive, hot pulsing pushes his come inside, and I’m grateful he’s finally done. As soon as it’s all out of him and into me, he shoves me off and leaves the bedroom to take a shower.
Toben’s next to me in an instant, just like always, holding my skirt and tee. I get dressed and wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him. His tongue rubs against mine and his erection presses against my stomach. I let him rub himself against me. He doesn’t usually do it for long. We kneel in front of our bed as we lace our fingers and wait for Logan.
When he emerges, he digs through his bag and throws us each some taffy.
“You two went through your dope supply way too fast this week. If you can’t use responsibly, then I’ll go back to controlling each dose.” He storms to Toben and smacks him across the back of the head. “And I heard how out of it you were for your playdate yesterday with Mr. Andale. Do not ever pull that shit again.”
“Yes, Logan.”
His movements seem so fluid at times. He glides to the bag and removes a small wooden box. “We’re going to do something different tonight.” He’s on me in an instant. “Get up.”
I keep thinking I will grow more. I haven’t gotten any taller in a few years. The top of my head barely reaches his chest. Toben is much taller than I am, too. It sucks. I still feel like a little kid and everyone still treats me like one. Especially him. His hand runs through my hair before he grasps my chin and pushes my head back.
“Open your mouth and stick out your tongue.” He sticks a finger into the box and when he pulls it out, there’s a small, square, white piece of paper stuck to it. “Leave it alone and don’t swallow it until it’s dissolved.”
“Yes, Logan.”
He puts the paper on my tongue. When he gives one to Toben, he nods toward my bathroom.
“Now go take a shower together, it will probably hit you while you’re in there.” We can’t speak with the paper on our tongues, so
Toben just holds my hand and pulls me into the bathroom. When he shuts the door and turns to switch on the faucet, I pull my tee back over my head and pull my skirt back down. He looks down at me and presses his forehead against mine while pushing my body against the door. Our fingers lace together, and when our scars align I can almost hear his voice:
When you bleed, I bleed.
He releases our hands to remove his shirt and his messy hair falls into his face. I run my hands over his hard chest as he removes the rest of his clothes. He’s been working out a lot recently. He already had a lot of natural tone, but now he’s much more defined.
Dang. He looks good. I rarely see him completely naked these days. It’s getting more difficult for him to restrain himself and being skin to skin always makes matters worse. His cock is begging to be touched and I know it’s horrible for me not to, it just still feels like a line I can’t cross with him. His hand softly trails from my pubic bone up my stomach to my breast as his thumb strokes the hard pebble.
The paper has finally dissolved. “Tob-” He kisses me with restrained aggression. He’s always so worked up after we play with Logan. His hands reach around to my ass when he lifts me up and wraps my legs around his waist. I can feel his tip pressing against my ass and I’m pretty sure he can feel my wetness against his stomach, as he carries me to the shower. He puts me down and puts his mouth on my nipple, sucking softly.
“Toben, we have to actually shower. Logan’s waiting for us.”
Moaning against my breast, he licks a few more times before he grumbles and reaches for the shampoo.
“Turn around, Love.”
He washes my hair as I scrub my face. I open my eyes and I swear I see something move in the shower.
“What was that?”
“What was what?”
It’s so fast and it’s just a dark spot when it moves behind me. “There!”
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
He puts the conditioner in my hair and his face lights up with amusement.
“Whoa!” He waves his hand around and little lines are following it like sparklers on Fourth of July. “Holy crap!”
I swipe my hand in front of my face and the lines are following mine as well. The shower curtain and the shower walls are pulsing like a heartbeat. Toben washes his hair while his eyes dart around. I think he sees the dark spots now. As we finish up, I hear the bathroom door open. Toben turns off the shower just as Logan opens the curtain and it seems to go on forever, like it won’t ever stop opening.
“Are you feeling it yet?”
I know there’s a big grin on my face, I can’t help it. “Yes, Logan.”
“Hell yes, Logan.”
Logan tries to glare at Toben and ends up laughing instead. “Get dressed.” When he looks at me he shakes his head. “Not you.”
I truthfully don’t care. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable to be naked anymore. To be honest, I only put pants or a skirt on half the time, and that’s if I’m leaving the house. They just seem too heavy, all those clothes. When he opens the bathroom door, the room flies past me like I’m in space. There’s a whole new world on the other side of that door.
Whoa. This stuff is crazy. Logan guides me with a hand between my shoulder blades. He has laid pillows and blankets out on the floor in a makeshift bed. It reminds me of the ones I’ve made next to Toben’s cage so many times.
“Pick out some music, Lotus.”
That’s surprising. He hates our music.
“Anything?”
He nods and I test him by putting in one of my favorite Otep CDs. I know he won’t listen to the lyrics or care, and still, I secretly hope they will make their way inside his head to show him what he has done to me. The first time I heard her, the music made me feel like she was just like me.
The blankets are moving like water, they just aren’t wet when I lie down. The boards on the ceiling are curvy and wobbly. I hope they don’t fall in on us. Toben throws on jeans and a beanie when he lies next to me on our floor bed. Logan’s hands are roaming down my body and I barely even notice. Toben begins licking my nipple, and though normally I would hate for him to do it in front of Logan, right now I don’t mind. His mouth comes over mine as his hands squeeze at my breast. In the distance, I feel my legs open, it just doesn’t seem real for a long time. I’m finally able to stop kissing and look down. I know it’s my body as I watch Logan’s tongue lap at me, I just feel disconnected. Toben is kissing my neck and sucking on my tits when his hand moves in between my legs with Logan’s mouth. They do this for I don’t know how long. Again, I would normally be upset, but I’m just not. I watch as the corners of the room sag like they are made of putty.
At some point, they take their mouths off of me and just lie on either side of me. All three of us are enamored by the movement in the room as if it had come alive. I can smell the music and taste their touch. I know I am smoking a cigarette, and when I see it snaking in between my fingers it surprises me and I laugh. It is a bit maniacal, and still, Logan and Toben join in. Everything is moving and bright. We lie on top of each other chain smoking cigarettes and joints while watching the radio melt off the table, as Otep oozes into the oxygen.
Crooked spoons on every wall
Genocide lines the wall
Ten-gauge needles and a prayer
Smearing sin everywhere
This is how I want to remember us, just having fun and getting high as a family. Laughing so much that we’re almost happy.
This is what I want to keep.
I’m not seeing anything anymore so I must be completely sober. That was freaking bad ass.
Acid. I’m definitely going to do that again.
Jesus, what time is it? Ugh, six a.m. I flop back down on the blankets and see Tavin’s nude body next to me. I can’t stop myself from touching her soft skin as her eyes flicker over to me.
“Good morning, Love.”
“Good morning.” Her smile is worth waking up for and when she stretches like a crazy person it brings joy to my mangled soul, every time. I kiss her as I trace her curves with my fingers. I slip my tongue into her mouth when I hear the bathroom door open. He’s still here?
“Toben, I need you today. Hurry up and take a shower.” I risk giving her one more kiss before I rush to obey. When I finish, I throw on some clothes and a beanie before kissing her goodbye and following Logan to the car. Lighting a cigarette, I quickly realize we’re heading to Nikki’s.
“We need to have a talk.” Oh fuck, that doesn’t sound good. “I’ve had another Lotus for a year.”
I knew it was coming. Nikki passed her expiration date last year and he still has her. I was just hoping that maybe he was done. He has said himself he’s getting older. I feel a few different emotions right now. I feel confusion because this isn’t the way he does things, and honestly a little hurt because he didn’t tell me. Mostly though, I feel relief I didn’t have to take part in another initiation. I never realized exactly how young we were until I saw what ten-year-olds actually looked like, now.
“I’m not going to ask for your participation with her, which is why I have kept Nikki this long…” He looks as if he’s having a hard time getting the words out, “…I wanted to spend time with you.”
His confession is a hard one to swallow. He’s made it abundantly clear that we’re nothing more than objects for him to use as he sees fit, so what the fuck is he trying to say now? My mouth is dry. I don’t know how to respond and the realization that we’re on our way to kill her, hits me in the gut. I avoid thinking about this because the emotions are more than I allow myself to feel. I lost my virginity to her. She’s the only girl I have ever had sex with. I would never tell her this, but I do care for her. Quite a bit actually. It started off as obedience, to keep Tavin alive, and now…I love what I do to her. I don’t want her gone and I never thought it would affect me like this. I think I might hyperventilate.
“Do you want to keep her?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, do you want her to be your Lotus? Do you want to continue playing with her by yourself?” As soon as he says it I know I do want that. Very fucking much. The idea of having complete control to do whatever I want to her causes a tightness in my jeans. I can’t control my smile as the excitement consumes me.
“Yes, Logan.”
He smiles with pride and we both take a drag.
When we arrive at Nikki’s, my skin is thrumming and Logan hands me a gray bag just like his black one. “These are your tools. I suggest keeping them here so Tavin doesn’t see them.”
I can’t wait to tear it open.
“Yes, Logan.”
“Well, go on, I’ll wait here until you’re done.”
“Thank you, Logan.”
Damn it, I mean it.
He smiles. “I’ve told you, you’re the closest thing to a son that I will ever have.”
I turn with my bag in hand and head up the stairs. She’s mine. All mine and I can do whatever I want to her. When I open the door, she’s already in her kneel position and my cock twitches at the sight. I drop the bag and close the door.
Her head lifts and when she sees me, she glances around. “Where’s Logan?”
I stalk up to her, running my hand along her jaw.
“You’re no longer his. You are my Lotus, now.”
Her shoulders slump as she starts to stand. “Oh, thank God.”
She thinks things are going to be easier with me? She’s in for a rude awakening. I grab her by her throat and slam her back to her knees. “You misunderstand. You’re mine. I own you, Nikki.”
She has the audacity to scoff at me. “Fuck you.”
“Well, you have that part right.”
She cries harder than she has in a few years, but she needs to understand our new dynamic. It’s exhilarating. I come so fast the first time that I take her again. When I’m finished, I hold her bloody body against mine and kiss the top of her head.
