by Doug Ward
wouldn't have hairy backs?
Ward's Laws #384 If men get better looking as we age? I should to be a God by now.
Ward's Laws #385 What does the director of an animated film do? I mean does he say cut at the end of each scene? I would like that job cause I could work with Stars like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck! But those Pokemon can't act worth crap!!!
Ward's Laws #386 Boy do I look like I was born yesterday? We just got new granite countertops in our kitchen. After it was installed the guy says "it is 2.5 billion years old!" I told him to rip it out. I paid for new granite, not that old crap! Try to give me some antique rocks, will you...
Ward's Laws #387 The world's greatest question is, Star Wars or Star Trek. I pick Star Trek. I just can't get into the Star Wars world... a world where the tunic is still in style.
Ward's Laws #388 I don't understand why we don't make our houses outta Tupperware. They would last forever and plastic is a great insulator. We could burp the doors to seal out the winter drafts. Of course, we would have to stop eating cabbage and beans indoors... Do I have to spell it out for you guys?
Ward's Laws #389 Did you ever notice that an NFL Field is neither a grid nor is it an iron?
Ward's Laws #390 I don't understand people who carry handkerchiefs or facial tissues. Why would you want to blow your nose and carry it around with you. Oh well, I guess it's snot my problem!
Ward's Laws #391 Facebook needs to add a dislike button. Just having a "like" button leads to mixed messages. Example #1- Status; my puppy was eaten by coyotes. Do I click the like button on that? That would make me sound heartless while I am really trying to sympathize with my friend. Example #2- Status; I ruined my shoes by stepping in Tyrannosaurus poo. Ok, that was a trick question. I do like that one.
Ward's Laws #392 Why don't I ever eat home fries at home?
Ward's Laws #393 Why is it developers plow over an oak grove and build a housing plan only to name it Oak Grove? Isn't that kind of weird? Sure hope they don't use that naming technique when they plow over graves. Be wary of plans called Indian Brave or Settlers Cabins. Can anyone say poltergeist?
Ward's laws #394 We went to a chocolate shop inside an old caboose. They couldn't figure out why I wasn't interested in the chocolate till I left. I just can't eat chocolate outta someone's caboose. Gross.
Ward's Laws #395 If you live along the San Andreas and you lose your home in an earthquake who's fault is it? If I have to explain this one...
Ward's Laws #396 I was going to hire a house painter to paint my garage but I thought it might be a conflict of interest.
Ward's Laws #397 I just drove past a Senior Living Center and thought, "way to state the obvious." Are there any Senior Dying Centers? I guess those are called soylent green factories. I like my soylent green with hot sauce.
Ward's Laws #398 Why are we the only animal who has to wipe it's butt? How did we evolve that trait Darwin?
Ward's Laws #399 Never get curious on Google. One day I was wondering if monkeys had butts like humans. I quickly Googled it and after visiting some pages on the subject my computer died. Now the IT people look at me weird and whisper a lot.
Ward's Laws #400 What goes through your mind when you spend tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless hours of study to become a doctor only to decide you want to be a Proctologist.
Ward's Laws #401 Why is it the man’s job to put the seat down after relieving his bladder? We don't try to train women to leave the seat up. Are we the only one talented enough to raise and lower the seat?
Ward's Laws #402 In Earth Science class I always wanted to ask my teacher where urinating fit into the Water Cycle?
Ward's Laws #403 Shouldn’t Three Musketeers bars come in three pieces or have I been getting ripped-off all this time?
Ward's Laws #404 Did you ever notice that you never see a astrophysicist wearing a NASCAR hat. Makes you wonder what you are really doing when you purchase and adorn your noggin with one of those things.
Ward's Laws #405 People who live in glass houses should... go the bathroom at the nearest filling station?
Ward's Laws #406 Is the Tambourine player really in the band or merely dating one of the real band members?
Ward's Laws #407 Whenever my gourd gets a hole in it I apply a pumpkin patch to repair it.
Ward's Laws #408 I love to watch people surf. Especially the look of the black wetsuits they wear. Any activity where you dress up as a shark's natural food source and present yourself before him in his underwater dinning room seems like a sport I want to watch others participate in. I want to stress, watch others participate in. I'll stick to my ducky water wings and hope Elmer Fudd isn’t around.
Ward's Laws #409 String cheese is virtually useless as a string. This is more a heads up rather than a Law. So the next time you buy some drywall at Lowes and need something to tie it in with... You get my point.
Ward's Laws #410 Men should only dance when there is no other alternative. I don't mean graceful, trained dancer men. I mean your average guy at a club. We look ridiculous stiffly moving with our arms pulled up in front of us like a Praying Mantis. Never, and I mean never, raise your hands over your head. Remember, we are only dancing to make our girls happy.
Ward's Laws #411 Why is it when wives and mother-in-laws are in the same room I swear I can hear the theme music from Star Trek playing in the background. I don't mean the happy intro stuff. I mean the music played when Kirk is fighting with the Gorn.
Ward's Laws #412 I’ve never hunted humans for sport. Now if my family was down on its luck and hungry…
Ward's Laws #413 Dogs are man's best friend. Who else could we blame those smells on who would just take it. It wouldn't be so disturbing if he didn't go sniffing for the source.
Ward's Laws #414 General Tso's chicken must have been really large if it's still being served to this day.
Ward's Laws #415 The Keebler elves in my house are obese. How do I know you ask? They keep leaving diabetic sugar-free cookies. I feel so cheated!!!
Ward's Laws #416 I'm so sick of this. I ate 27 fortune cookies, and still no fortune. Lucky numbers my butt!!!
Ward's Laws #417 You can tell a true football fan by if he or she gets married on the bye week.
Ward's Laws #418 After watching the Occupy Wall Street movement I am wondering... What do they do for a living? They obviously can't be independently wealthy or they don't represent us 99%'ers. It's just a thought.
Ward's Laws #419 In his movies, you can tell how old Clint Eastwood was by how high his pants are. Pretty soon they will be around his neck. He'll be able to avoid wearing shirts altogether.
Ward's Laws #420 Who the Hell (yes I said H-E-double hockey sticks) would buy regular Oreos? What kind of Commie plot... I live in the USA. The land of overindulgence!!! Double stuff Oreos or nothing. Maybe I can just cram to of them together...
Ward's Laws #421 Why did someone choose the left lane of highways for the fast lane? It seems to me that the slow drivers naturally migrate to that very lane?
Ward's Laws #422 I am a big fan of the yield sign. Stopping is so final. If you violate a stop sign it can have consequences but a yield sign is less demanding. It's kind of like saying slow down and take a look, if you want to, that is. As I blow right thru....
Ward's Laws #423 I think we should get rid of Christopher Columbus Day and promote Leif Erikson Day. Erikson's Day is October 9th. Columbus Day floats around between the 8th and the 14th of that same month. The big reason is only one of these holidays is possibly true...
Ward's Laws #424 Why aren't pizza boxes round? It just seems... wasteful.
Ward's Laws #425 Why is the abbreviation for television capitalized? Not even just the first letter either. TV. It sounds like an STD, or a really bad case of TB. Are they trying to tell us something here?
Ward's Laws #426 I love when Governors order evacuations just prior to a natural disaster. This is like blood
in the water for weathermen and women. It's constantly the same people saying the same things. “It's freaking windy…” Do you really need someone in the middle of a hurricane telling us that or should we be able to figure that riddle of the Sphinx out for ourselves?
Ward's Laws #427 Do you think that Darwin had Youtube in mind when he coined the term "Natural Selection?" I've seen many videos that make me believe this is true.
Ward’s Laws #428 The term crave-in refers to when you cave-in to your cravings.
Ward's Laws #429 I understand people having large families. The young children will be a great distraction to the zombies during the coming apocalypse. This will allow a quick escape for the wily parents.
Ward's Laws #430 The word sunset implies more than one sun, doesn't it? Swing set alludes to it being a set so how is that different?
Ward's Laws #431 I need some type of universal lyric translator, cause when I sing a song, my wife always looks at me with that, "that's not the right words to the song" look.
Ward's Laws #432 A copse refers to a group and a corps also alludes to a group but why doesn't a corpse? It suggests only one. The
