Capturing Forever

by Erin Dutton

  “I suppose.”

  “She’s worried about you.”

  “She’s afraid I’m going to keel over while she’s out of town on business.”

  Just the idea of losing Teddy was like a rope squeezing her heart. When she thought about Jacqueline being away when that happened, a sick feeling spread to her stomach, and she set her sandwich back on her plate. “I don’t know how she would live with that.”

  “She would do what she always does. She’d bury herself deeper in her work, like she did when her mother died. Only this time, I won’t be here for Sean, so that will fall on you.” He smiled at her despite the sadness shining in his eyes. “You hold this family together.”

  “I used to. I’m not—I can’t be that person for Jacqueline anymore.”

  “She’ll need you.”

  Casey remembered how Jacqueline had broken down the night before—how good it had felt to be able to offer her a moment of comfort. She would do whatever she could to help out with Teddy—with logistics and schedules, but she couldn’t allow either of them to depend too much on that kind of emotional support.

  *

  Jacqueline had never been a runner, and she wasn’t about to take up jogging at forty years old. But spending almost every evening for a week and a half at her father’s house, then driving to her condo and falling into bed, only to get up early, go get him breakfast, rush to work and do it all over again, was taking its toll—physically and mentally. She’d been short-tempered at work and at home, walking the line between frustration and exhaustion with no end in sight.

  She needed some stress relief and decided a brisk walk would have to do. After she’d made her father’s dinner, he’d insisted on doing the dishes so she stuck around to supervise. Then when he was settled back in his chair and she was certain he wouldn’t slip on any water on the kitchen floor, she grabbed the old iPod she’d recently dug out of a drawer.

  “I have my phone with me,” she called as she headed out the front door. She put in her earbuds and headed down the block.

  Three songs in, she’d decided she needed to change the music on her iPod if she was going to keep walking. She’d apparently loaded these songs in one of her melancholy moods, and they weren’t exactly inspiring her to get her cardio on.

  As she turned the corner at the end of the block, she scrolled through her playlist. She’d gone through some dark times when she and Casey first split up. She’d felt like a failure. She’d let Casey down in so many ways. She’d worried about the impact of another broken family on Sean. She’d told herself that at least he wouldn’t hear them arguing anymore.

  That last year and a half had been pretty rough. They’d argued about the frequency of Jacqueline’s travel, which led to blowups over money. Jacqueline wanted to provide for her family, and if that meant lonely nights on the road, then that’s what she’d do. Casey wanted her at home and accused her of putting her job before their family and caring more about the thrill of moving up in her company. The more Casey pushed, the more Jacqueline shut down.

  Elle had been the final straw. When, a few months after letting Elle go, Casey had started talking about fostering another child, Jacqueline had refused. They’d had their biggest fight to date over the issue. Casey desperately wanted to help more kids, and Jacqueline couldn’t bear to have her heart broken like that again. The long version was much more painful and drawn out, leading, months later—after more harsh words, accusations, and hurt feelings—to their separation.

  Despite the tears she’d shed alone in her condo, Jacqueline had let herself need Casey only one more time—when her mother passed away. She’d let Casey blame the alcohol, but truthfully, Jacqueline had been sober enough when she invited Casey over. She’d known exactly what she was doing when she crossed the line between seeking comfort to needing something more physical. And that night, after Casey fell asleep, when Jacqueline cried, it wasn’t over the loss of her mother, but rather because of the void in her heart and life that only Casey could fill. She’d never regretted that night, but she’d paid for it many times in the days afterward when she hugged the pillow that still smelled like Casey’s shampoo.

  The sound of a child yelling ripped Jacqueline from her pity party. She’d arrived at the park and had no recollection of having walked the last several blocks. She ripped out her earbuds, blaming that damn playlist. Three boys were on the swings, seemingly in a competition to see who could swing the highest. The boy on the end, clearly the front-runner, called out taunts to the other two.

  She turned back toward her father’s house. She needed to collect her things and head back to her apartment. Next week, Casey would be managing on her own, since Jacqueline would be in Atlanta, attending train-the-trainer sessions on the new consumer-driven insurance plan the company would be switching to in a few months. She’d be responsible for carrying that education to the center managers in her region, so they could pass it on to their hourly employees.

  She didn’t want to depend on Casey so much. But otherwise, she’d be useless in Atlanta, worrying about her father. He claimed to be feeling better, but he didn’t seem to get around as well as he usually did. He denied any pain, even when she badgered him. Since he still refused outside aid, and she didn’t have enough flexibility in her work schedule, she had to accept Casey’s help. She knew Casey had been at his house for lunch every day this week, but she and Jacqueline hadn’t been there at the same time. To show her appreciation for Casey’s time, she’d relayed an invitation to dinner with them on Friday night through her father, but he’d said Casey had plans with Nina. So she and her father had ordered pizza, and she spent most of the night trying not to think about whether Casey and Nina were looking at houses together.

  Chapter Eight

  Casey stepped to the side of the trail to let some runners pass. She still considered herself a novice hiker, but she couldn’t imagine a time when she’d want to run the trails. She’d never been super-athletic and pictured herself tripping over a tree root and having to be carried out. She slipped off her backpack and took a bottle of water and a small bag of almonds from one of the outside pockets. Inside, she’d packed her lightest camera and a spare lens. She’d also brought a printed copy of the Percy Warner Park trail map, but she’d done the Mossy Ridge trail before and shouldn’t need to consult it.

  A last-minute cancellation had left her morning free. After a quick check of the weather, she’d decided not to waste such a perfect day. She stuck close to town, so she could still make her midday check-in with Teddy. Though the sun was getting higher, a slight breeze stirred the canopy overhead, creating wavering shadows on the ground. The shade kept the air cool, but her skin was heated with the effort of the incline she’d just climbed. The four-and-a-half-mile loop had enough ups and downs to give her a workout. But she hadn’t been struggling as much as the last time she attempted the trail, so maybe she was in better shape.

  She finished her snack and stowed her trash in her pack. As she continued on the trail, she wished she’d brought a pair of earbuds. She didn’t normally have any trouble losing herself in her surroundings, but today she hadn’t seen any wildlife, and none of the foliage grabbed her eye. In fact, she hadn’t pulled out her camera once. Where she normally found peace, today she felt only overwhelming loneliness. She’d invited Nina along once, months ago, mostly out of obligation. But Nina had declined. Since then, she’d enjoyed the solitude.

  This morning, she’d apparently carried the rest of her life onto the trail with her. She’d reexamined her recent time with Teddy, trying unsuccessfully to stay objective. He’d been absentminded and a little confused, but not enough to worry yet about dementia. He’d fallen but hadn’t been seriously injured. So, maybe her fear of losing her one remaining parental figure had overshadowed her ability to see Teddy as simply an aging man, in decent health for his age, who would have the occasional bad day. But she couldn’t control the sick feeling in her stomach.

  Since her own parents ha
d died, she’d felt as if she’d been prematurely grieving Jacqueline’s parents as well. The death of Jacqueline’s mom had been hard, but Teddy—well, that would be excruciating. During Sean’s teen years, when he’d become rebellious and sometimes angry, she’d cried on Teddy’s shoulder. When he’d secretly tracked down his biological mother on Facebook, only to find she’d gone on to have two children after giving him up, he’d relied on Teddy for comfort and advice. Teddy had been a partner in raising Sean—in ways that Jacqueline never had.

  Jacqueline had shut down on her well before the separation—after Elle. She’d buried herself in her work and traveled more than ever. Casey resented Jacqueline’s ability to step away from her family and leave her to deal with it all. Jacqueline acted so distant from every part of their relationship that picking a fight seemed the only way Casey could wrestle some kind of reaction from her.

  Initially, after the breakup, trying to co-parent had taxed their ability to be civil with each other. They’d struggled to be cordial around Sean, but stuffing those emotions had inevitably led to blowups later.

  They’d put all of that behind them and become two people raising a son. Casey had long ago released the thread that connected her to Jacqueline. And while she’d admit to an occasional yearning for the kind of fresh, uncomplicated love they’d once shared, she never expected to feel a tug on that string again. Last week, when Jacqueline had broken down in her arms, Casey had wanted nothing more than to fold into her and comfort her.

  But she had a partner, she reminded herself. She had to remind herself, because she was out here stomping around in the woods alone. She didn’t want to be attached to the person she dated twenty-four seven. And until today, she’d enjoyed these quiet hikes by herself. But she’d like for Nina to show a bit more interest in her hobbies. Of course, she only begrudgingly went along on the microbrewery tours Nina liked so much. But at least she’d made an effort.

  She worried that she could so easily say what she didn’t like about their relationship. They were getting ready to move in together. Shouldn’t she still be in the blindly happy phase? Almost certainly, if Nina found herself with a morning off, she would have spent her time searching the MLS listings for a house they could share. Casey’s first thought had been to escape her life for a few hours.

  *

  Jacqueline had heard more than she cared to about the new insurance plan. The representative from the contracted insurance company had spent two hours yesterday on health-reimbursement accounts alone. Someone should have told her she was speaking to a roomful of human-resources professionals, so she wouldn’t structure her training as if presenting it to a bunch of new hires in orientation.

  Jacqueline’s four-hour drive on Monday had taken more than six, due to a rollover accident just before Chattanooga. After spending all day Tuesday in staff meetings, they’d begun the insurance training classes yesterday. Two of the three nights, she’d endured dinner and drinks with Owen and several other coworkers. She’d slipped away from their table between dinner and dessert to call Casey. But even the corner of the restaurant that she tucked herself into was too loud for more than a quick check-in. Her father was good. And since she couldn’t hear very well, and Casey had nothing new to report, Jacqueline couldn’t find a reason to keep her on the phone.

  This morning, she’d called her father while driving in to the regional office for the day’s sessions. She’d consumed her first cup of coffee on an empty stomach, and the remaining half of her second cup still sat on the table in front of her.

  When the speaker called for a short break, Jacqueline shifted in her chair, thankful for the chance to get up and restore circulation to her legs. She left the room and kept going until she passed through the front door. Once outside, she took a few laps around the yard. Most of the drivers had headed out with full trailers earlier in the day, but the ever-present smell of diesel exhaust tainted the air.

  She pulled out her phone, pleased to see a message from Marti asking if she was free for drinks later. She was supposed to drive home after this afternoon’s sessions, but she could definitely use a little distraction. If she asked, Casey would check on her father for one more night. She typed out a quick affirmative reply to Marti.

  Five minutes later, she’d just poured herself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table at the back of the conference room when her phone rang. She answered on her way to her seat, but seconds later, she knew she needed more privacy. She abandoned her water, scooped up her notebook and a pen, and stepped back out of the room. The rest of her colleagues returned to the meeting, giving her the hallway to herself.

  Lena Blackstone, one of the drivers in Knoxville, claimed that management had discriminated against her. She was sketchy on details and insisted that Jacqueline come over there and see for herself. Jacqueline jotted as many notes as she could manage to get. She mentally reviewed her schedule for next week, wishing she had some reason to say she couldn’t make it and try to conduct her investigation by phone. Instead, she assured Lena that she’d contact her soon to schedule an in-person interview early next week.

  She caught Owen during the next break and filled him in. She’d either arrive in Knoxville Sunday night, or she’d be getting up before the sun Monday to make the drive. She’d have to find some time tonight for a lengthier conversation with Casey to fill her in on next week.

  The rest of her day dragged on, and by the time she got back to her hotel room, she collapsed on the bed, wishing she didn’t have to dress to go out again. At least she only had to go as far as the hotel bar, but she’d still have to shower and change clothes. She could cancel, Marti would understand. They had no obligation to each other. But she wouldn’t. Drinks with Marti would almost certainly lead to sex, and Jacqueline needed the stress relief.

  She rolled over and grabbed her phone from the nightstand. She could delay getting up just a bit longer. She scrolled to Casey’s contact and connected the call.

  “How’s Dad?” she asked when Casey answered.

  “He’s good. We had dinner together, and then he fell asleep in his chair. Are you on the road?”

  “Um—no. Listen, I know I said I’d be home tonight, but could you check on him for one more night? My meetings ran late, and I’m too exhausted to think about driving home tonight. I’ll be there early tomorrow, so—”

  “Sure. It’s no problem.” Casey’s quick acceptance made her feel a little guilty.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want to put this on you, but—”

  “I’m here, Jacq. Don’t worry.”

  Jacqueline sighed. The soft way Casey’s voice caressed the nickname made her chest ache. “There’s more. Man, this sucks. You’ve been so great, I hate to keep imposing.”

  “Just ask.”

  “We’ve had a complaint I have to deal with personally. I have to go to Knoxville next week.”

  “When?”

  “Monday. I don’t know how long I’ll be. It depends on how involved this thing is.”

  “Jacq—”

  “I know.” She cringed, then put on a pleading tone Casey had never been able to say no to. “Please, Casey. I’ll owe you, big.”

  “Yeah, I’ll work it out.”

  Jacqueline sighed, suddenly wishing Casey had offered some resistance, if only to make her feel less like a manipulative shit.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You sighed.”

  “Yeah. I did. Um—” She shook her head and cleared her throat. “Everything’s good. I’m just tired. Thanks again. I’ll talk to you later.”

  She lay there for a minute longer, debating whether to take time before she got in the shower to send an email to the legal department informing them of the impending investigation. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table, then rolled off the bed and headed for the bathroom. She’d send that email later. She needed every extra minute for a nice, hot shower.

  *

  Casey stood in her be
droom, still looking at the screen of her phone. Something about her whole conversation with Jacqueline had felt off. She’d sensed that Jacqueline was being deceptive but couldn’t discern what about. She’d seemed nervous about telling her she’d be out of town next week as well. No, she’d sounded strange before that—when she’d said she wouldn’t make it home tonight. But why would she lie? Casey hadn’t given her a hard time about adjusting her schedule thus far.

  Changing her plans for next week might take some work, but it was actually quite doable. She’d be shooting a wedding this weekend, so she’d blocked out the first part of next week to work in her studio, editing and putting together the final package for that couple.

  She walked into the living room, still flipping through the calendar app on her phone.

  “That was Jacqueline.” Nina scooted forward on the couch as she spoke.

  “Yes. She won’t be home until tomorrow. I’m going to walk over and check on Teddy once more before bed. Do you want to go?”

  Nina stood. “I think I’ll head home.”

  “I won’t be gone long.” Casey caught her around the waist and pulled her close, but Nina didn’t return the embrace. “Stay.” She brushed her lips along Nina’s jaw in the way Nina found hard to resist. “When I return, I’m all yours.”

  Nina sighed and stepped away, letting Casey’s arms drop away from her. “I have to work early tomorrow. I’ll call you.”

  “Hey—”

  “Walk me as far as my car.” Nina picked up her purse and headed for the door.

  Casey grabbed her keys and cell phone and followed. Nina tended to shut down when she was upset, leaving Casey no choice but to wait until she was ready to talk. At the car, Casey gave her the expected kiss, holding her until Nina pulled away.

  *

  Jacqueline slid onto a stool at the bar next to Marti. She signaled the bartender and ordered a drink, probably her only one of the night, and another for Marti.