The Secret North

by Ka Newborrn

  “How does that make you feel?”

  “Like our life collapsed into a house of cards. I knew she was trying to save me. But it felt like she abandoned me. After she was sentenced, I felt numb more than anything else because I was so busy with school. I took a long weekend and flew out to see her. When I got to Orleans Parish, the guard said that mama had declined my visit. She didn’t want to see me. So I turned around, went back to school and tried to stay on track. I thought I would see her again. But they called me a few weeks later and told me she was gone.”

  Odette pulled her turtleneck back over her head and briefly closed her eyes. “I slather it with tepezcohuite cream and keep it covered from the sun, but it's irritated and scabbed. And my wrists have permanent nerve damage. I could stick my hands in fire and never feel a thing. But I get what I get. My mama sacrificed everything she had to get me out of Storyville. And I took it all. I took her dignity. I took her security. I even took her life.”

  Lilith stood up from her couch, sat down beside Odette and drew her close. They both cried freely.

  “I needed her, Lilith! I still need her!”

  “I’m so sorry. I am so very sorry!”

  “I can’t figure anything out anymore. I never get anything right!”

  “That’s not true, Odette. I’m glad you‘re allowing yourself to cry. For a long time I felt impervious to pain. It's not healthy because when you finally allow yourself to feel something everything crashes down at once. You have to let it go so you can find comfort. You have to let it go so you can heal.”

  Odette helped herself to a fresh tissue.

  “Would you like my professional opinion?”

  Odette nodded.

  Lilith dabbed at her own face with a tissue and cleared her throat. “You’re dealing with the collective trauma of your mother’s death, an aggravated assault and a suicide attempt, respectively. It’s a heavy load, and you’ve been carrying it around for a long time. You can’t just whisk it under the rug like a dust bunny; it needs to be resolved. And until that happens, your brain is going to compensate in the only way it knows how.”

  Odette looked up. Lilith shook her head and kept talking.

  “It’s perfectly normal for our minds to manifest things to help us cope in the presence of unresolved trauma.”

  Odette took the comment like a slap. “But I came looking for you because I know you know I’m not making any of this up!”

  “The manifestation of anthropomorphic delusions to the extreme you’ve described is quite unusual, but then again, so are you. In any case, they’ve served you well. They protected you from alienation when the truth of your circumstances became too isolating and polarizing to accept. No one can face that level of despair alone; it’s inhumane. Everybody needs a network, Odette. Where there is community, we do better. All of us.”

  Outraged, Odette stared at Lilith in disbelief. “No! Stop it! Why are you treating me this way? There’s no one else here. You know that I know who you really are. I know you’re connected to all of this!”

  Lilith’s eyes were gentle. “I’m sorry, Odette. Any manifestations that your mind creates belong to you and you alone. I would never, could never stand in the way of your progress by indulging a folie à deux. I’m not willing to gamble with your mental health or destroy my professional reputation by following you down a rabbit hole. Not only is it unsafe, it runs contrary to the oath I swore to uphold at the start of my medical practice.”

  Odette’s eyes blazed. “Your idea of professionalism is lying to my face and calling me delusional when I know you know I’m telling the truth?”

  “Doing no harm is the first rule of healing. You’re doing the opposite. That’s the real truth, isn’t it?”

  “And how is that? I didn’t harm myself or anyone else!”

  “I might encourage you to examine that rationale a bit further. If you hurt yourself, is it your responsibility to heal yourself? And if you hurt someone else, is it your responsibility to heal them?”

  “I never said that.”

  “Maybe. But if it’s what you meant, you're brilliant.”

  “Thanks.”

  “And that makes you a sadist.”

  “What?”

  “To hear you tell it, you and Ester are old friends who go way back. You get in a bind and beg her for help. She drops everything and voluntarily takes your hits. In what parallel universe is it okay that you allow her to be your personal bellhop until you finally get around to sorting things through? If she’s real, and you maintain that she is, don’t you think she has better things to do with her time and energy?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “In reality, I can only do so much for you, Odette. My professional responsibility is to guide you, but the real work falls to you. So I’ll ask you again.”

  Lilith pointed to the Queen of Clubs card. “What are you doing with this?”

  “At this point, I’m out of ideas.”

  “I’m not. Up for a road trip?”

  “Where?”

  “Philadelphia."

  “What for?”

  “There’s an opportunity at a university. The role is writing grants and proposals for program development, alumni and community outreach. You could also enroll in a Master’s program if you’re interested in resuming your studies. I would happily put in a good word for you. Your record is stellar. Pun intended. Would you think about it?”

  “The responsibilities don’t quite line up with my field of experience.”

  “They’re an equal opportunity establishment. Trailblazers are encouraged to apply. My colleagues Spiree and Nina would help with details. Spiree’s here at UCLA. Nina’s at Lincoln University. That’s where you’d be.”

  She passed a framed photo to Odette. “This is Spiree, Nina and me at a fundraiser last year.”

  Odette took the frame and studied the photo. “Nice.” She handed it back to Lilith.

  “And here’s a photo of Spiree at a hippy dippy Christian retreat back in the seventies.”

  Odette studied the feather and bones around Spiree’s neck. “Groovy necklace.”

  Lilith urged another frame in Odette’s direction. Inside was a grainy photo of Spiree standing with a group of women inside a greenhouse. The film had degraded over time, and the casual image appeared to have been captured without their knowledge.

  "You know who Gil Gentry is, right?”

  “The country singer?”

  “Yeah. The brunette woman standing to Spiree’s left is his mother, Amy.”

  “She’s lovely.”

  “And the blonde with the 4A hair standing to Spiree’s right? That’s Jana North.”

  “What do you know about 4A hair?”

  “Here’s a better shot of Jana with her family. That’s her husband, Russell, and their son, Calvin. Russell was a big shot civil rights attorney. He died of brain cancer last month. The elderly woman in the wheelchair is Russell’s Aunt Alice. She passed away about five years ago.”

  “Oh, no. I’m so sorry to hear it.”

  “Calvin passed away, too. He took his own life about fifteen years ago.”

  Odette examined the photo carefully. “Wait. The Norths? I remember them. I know Calvin. He was my classmate at Andover. He killed himself? That’s awful! I’m so sorry to hear it. I never really got to know him, but I always liked him.”

  Lilith shook her head. “It’s very sad.”

  “You knew I was an Andover grad. And you have photos of my classmate’s mother.”

  “Odd coincidence, isn’t it?”

  “It is. Especially since I‘m the one who came looking for you.”

  “Oh. Are you sure about that, Odette?”

  “Like anything surprises me anymore.”

  Lilith held up the coffee carafe. “Are you sure you don’t want any?”

  “I’ll take some. Thanks.”

  Lilith poured a cup of coffee for herself. “I’ve given you my professional opinion, Odette. In real
ity, I can only do so much. The real work falls to you.”

  “I understand.”

  “Would you like my off record one, too?”

  “Of course.”

  Okay. But let me grab a coaster first.”

  Lilith removed the Myling family's Queen of Clubs coaster from its hiding place under the cushion. She placed it on the coffee table in front of Odette.

  “Off record. In reality, the real work falls to you.” She pointed to the inkjet label on Odette’s file.

  *UCLAHealth RIDLEY, ODETTE *new*

  “In reality and everywhere else.”

  Lilith pinched the label with her fingers and pulled it away to reveal a different label underneath.

  *THE JANA CASE

  She opened the folder and began to read.

  “Jana North, age sixty-eight. Née Montgomery. Born in Natchez, Mississippi. White daughter of a Pentecostal preacher and subservient mother. Wandered into the river looking for Jesus and got bit by a poisonous snake. Stumbled across a gay black couple who saved her life. Her Klansman/Silver Dollar dad murdered one of the men to teach his daughter a lesson. But he wasn’t her real father. Her mother had stepped out on him with a traveling flower man while he was away at a church revival and took the secret to her grave. Became a pediatrician in Orange County, California. Had a coat hanger abortion performed by a shady chiropractor. The procedure was done on Halloween, or Samhain, as it's called in some circles. Blackmailed by the chiropractor’s business partner. Scandal erupted. Walked away from her career in shame. Married a prominent Black civil rights attorney. Had a son. Lost him to suicide. Cared for her husband up until his recent death. Since then, she has all but stepped away from the world.”

  Lilith looked serious. “Would you like to take this case, Odette?”

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “Get to know her.”

  “Why?”

  "She’s an undiscovered gem with a wealth of knowledge and experience, but she’s never had the chance to express it. She doesn’t know her own value. If it were up to me, she might resume her medical practice, or serve on the Board, or maybe go on the lecture circuit. Sixty-eight is the new thirty; there are endless possibilities. But it’s up to her. If she wanted to become a world class cougar or organize a boxed wine tasting guild, I would fully support those decisions, too. I don’t care about the details, really. I just want her to heal.”

  Lilith closed the file and placed it on the coffee table. She looked at the clock. “I guess we’re out of time.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Oh. There’s one more thing, Odette. After the scandal, Jana manifested an anthropomorphic delusion to cope with the trauma. She believes she set a course of sorrow into action when she displaced her daughter’s spirit from her body. And she doesn’t believe she’s dead. She thinks her daughter visits her from time to time but primarily takes up residence inside the North Star. Something like that, anyway."

  Lilith fanned herself with the file before setting it down on the coffee table. "Can you imagine what it would be like if someone came into her life and helped her find a sense of closure? I wonder who could do it. Do you know of anyone?”

  Odette stood up from the couch. She held eyes with Lilith. They smiled at each other. She took the file, placed the Queen of Clubs card inside, and headed towards the door.

  “So you can move to Philadelphia by the end of summer, right? Does that give you enough time to quit the lab rat job and pack? You’ll stay safe out there, or at least try to, won’t you? You'd better!”

  LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

  2002

  Peggy

  She sat in a chair next to the hospital bed holding a clipboard and skimming the patient’s medical file.

  Name: RIDLEY, ODETTE

  Age: 29

  Sex: F

  Race: BLK

  Address: 5110 FOUNTAIN AVE #7 LA CA 90029

  Notes: BIRTHMARK/SCAR CLAVICLE/STERNUM

  RESUSCITATED WITH DEFIBRILLATOR

  SELF-INFLICTED WRIST LACERATIONS

  FOUND IN BATHTUB BY APARTMENT MANAGER

  Her eyes shifted from the bandaged wrists to the red and white intravenous carafes hanging above her head. What on earth had triggered Odette…

  *the patient*

  What on earth had triggered the patient into doing something so desperate?

  It almost didn’t seem real.

  They were the same age. They could have easily been friends. She could picture them spending a Saturday afternoon together shopping at the Beverly Center, or meeting up with a group in San Gabriel for a Chinese hot pot dinner.

  Not that she was thinking about anything at the present moment except hitting the pillow. Yesterday was her ninth wedding anniversary, and she had celebrated her only night off in months by going out to dinner with her husband, Bob. She was paying for it now.

  Bob always said she was too much of an empath; his twelve years with LAPD had shown him how to compartmentalize. Her transition from nursing to medical school to her current residency at Cedars Sinai demonstrated that she was capable of learning just about anything. Except how to toughen up. And it was getting out of hand.

  She was glad that Odette…

  *the patient*

  She was glad that the patient was finally sleeping comfortably. Her unresponsive state had not appeared restful; Peggy would never forget the look of terror in her eyes as the paddles resuscitated her heart. Odette was such a pretty name, too.

  Bob’s right. You really need to cut it out.

  She stretched her Forever and a Day legs out as far as the uncomfortable chair would allow and struggled to stay awake.

  Did I really just see a shimmer hovering in the air for a split second?

  She jolted upright and dismissed her mind’s trickery. Sleep deprivation led to hallucinations. She really needed to check herself.

  She couldn’t sleep just yet, but maybe she would blink. But only for five minutes. Ten minutes max.

  When she opened her eyes exactly eleven minutes later, the patient's bed was empty.

  “Odette?”

  On the right side of the room, the bathroom door was closed. She scrambled to her feet and rapped twice before opening it.

  “Odette?”

  She wasn’t there.

  A bird chirped outside the window. She hastily pulled the curtains aside and slammed her palms against the glass. She peered down into the street below. A handful of pedestrians crossed between buildings at San Vicente Boulevard, but the patient wasn’t among them.

  She opened the door, stepped into the hallway and yelled.

  “Odette!”

  Two women behind the nurses’ station stopped their chatter and looked up from their computers when they heard her. She approached them directly.

  “Did you see where the patient from Room 7 went?”

  The two nurses looked at each other and shook their heads. One spoke up.

  “We didn’t see anyone come out of the room, Dr. Murano.”

  Peggy was frantic. “It was in the last ten minutes.”

  “We’ve been here the entire time.”

  “That’s crazy!”

  “Do you want us to call someone?”

  Panicking, she scoured the area in front of the station before taking off down the hallway. Dr. Sakaguchi, the attending physician, was standing by the elevator bank. She ran to him and explained the situation. Together, they hurried back towards the room. When they got there, the patient was in bed sleeping peacefully.

  Dr. Sakaguchi was mildly amused. “There’s no place like home,” he quipped. "Looks like she missed you, Auntie Em."

  Peggy crumbled. “I’m not crazy. I know what I saw.”

  “You fell asleep.”

  “I wasn’t sleeping! I was blinking!”

  “Our minds play tricks on us sometimes, Dr. Murano. It’s okay.”

  “But she wasn’t there. I saw it.”

  “Then her lungs are clear enough t
o walk. There’s always a silver lining.”

  It wasn’t a lining. It was a shimmer. I saw it with my own eyes. Something isn’t right.

  “How did she manage to unhook the fluid bags before she slipped out and re-hook them before we got back?”

  “Most obvious answer? It never happened. You said you were blinking. Moving forward, just remember to be careful. Excuse me.”

  He reached for his cell phone and raised it to his cheek. “Herman’s downstairs at Starbucks. Want anything?” He turned away from her and walked towards the window for better reception.

  Peggy continued to stare at the patient sleeping on the bed. Her lips appeared to be stained by pomegranates.

  “Iced passion tea, right?”

  She leaned into the hospital bed railing until her face was directly in line with the patient’s. The sleeping face was framed by twisty, spiraling coils that reached out to her from the pillow.

  Like antennae.

  “One second.” He fiddled with the curtains and turned his head to face her. “They’re out of passion tea, but they can sub from the secret menu. One pump of sugar, right?”

  That bed was empty. I saw it. Where did you go?

  “I’ll get you two pumps. You need a boost.”

  As she stood watching, the lips gradually curved into a smile. She thought she had seen it before, but she didn’t know where. The back of her neck was prickling, but she didn’t know why.

  The lashes were long and feathery.

  Like spiders.

  They fluttered slightly as the eyes opened and stared up at her.

  What troubled her most was that they almost looked the same. The size, shape and color were consistent. But they were worlds apart. She had seen the patient after resuscitation. Those eyes had a lucid quality that drew her from the outside in. These eyes emitted a light that effectively drove her out. Phosphorescence, maybe? And when the lips curved, these eyes didn’t. Instead, they relaxed into a downward slackness that continued to evolve subtly, even after it should have ceased. Like antigravity.