The Missing Letters of Mrs Bright (ARC)

by Beth Miller

‘Yes,’ said Piet. ‘It is correct for Stella to do this. We deserve it.’

  ‘Thank you, Piet.’

  ‘You are most welcome, Stella.’

  Theo came in, wearing his jacket, his bag over his shoulder. ‘Hi guys! Oh wow, Stella, how ace! I thought you might be coming back today, and I dropped in on the off chance.’

  I looked at him, appraising him with an objective eye. There were always little things one didn’t like about one’s boyfriends. You tended to overlook them, prioritise other things as more important. Leon, for instance, had patches of awful acne on each cheek, and treated any mild suggestion that he speak to a pharmacist as an infringement of his human rights. Now, with Theo standing in front of me, fake-beaming, I realised that with his thin face and shifty eyes, he looked exactly like a weasel.

  Theo seemed self-conscious that I was looking at him without saying anything. ‘Er, so, how are things with your parents?’ he said, slipping off his jacket. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t make it down, wow, we’ve been so busy here.’

  ‘So I see,’ I said, watching Gabby and Piet trying and failing to catch Theo’s eye. ‘I don’t think what I’ve been doing has been as interesting as what the three of you have been getting up to.’

  ‘Er, well, er,’ he said, looking slightly less relaxed.

  ‘Though you know what they say,’ I continued, sipping my tea, ‘“Three’s a crowd”.’

  ‘Yes…’ he said, glancing at the others, but still seemingly not picking up that all was not well. An idiot, then, as well as a weasel.

  ‘Must be pretty crowded,’ I said, ‘on that sofa.’

  Theo’s eyes widened like a cartoon character’s. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Give it up, fuckwit,’ Gabby said. ‘She knows.’

  ‘Shit, shit, shit,’ Theo said. ‘Stell, it wasn’t my idea—’

  ‘You bastard,’ Gabby said.

  ‘It was just a stupid drunken thing, look can we talk about this on our own?’

  I laughed. ‘You’re suddenly shy of large groups, Theo?’

  ‘Am I still needed here?’ Gabby stood up. ‘Because if not, I’m off upstairs. I really don’t want to watch this hideous post-mortem.’

  ‘No, that’s fine,’ I said. ‘Please feel free to leave.’

  Gabby rolled her eyes. ‘Fuck me.’

  ‘No thanks,’ I said. ‘I’m happy being the only person who doesn’t get to do that.’

  Gabby slammed the door behind her. I felt great. I expected that at some point soon, I would feel less great, when I thought about how comprehensively my life had been turned upside down, but right now, I felt that I could take on the world.

  Awesome, Bettina. I feel awesome.

  ‘Drink your tea,’ I told Theo, who was gaping at me.

  ‘What?’ He looked in confusion at the cup in front of him, picked it up and took a big gulp, then spat it out all over the table. ‘What the fuck?’ He jumped up, and ran to the sink, poured a glass of water and drank it theatrically in one go. ‘Have you…? Have you…?’ He staggered back to the table and sat down heavily. ‘Piet, I’ve been poisoned.’

  Piet and I started laughing.

  ‘It’s not poison, you idiot,’ I said. ‘I just put in some spices, to give it a bit of a kick. Cumin, coriander, paprika.’

  Piet picked up his cup and sniffed it. ‘Mine seems fine,’ he said.

  ‘I didn’t do it to yours, Piet.’

  ‘That is very generous of you, Stella.’

  ‘Well, until you screwed my boyfriend, you were always very kind to me, Piet.’

  ‘If we are to be honest, Stella,’ Piet said, ‘I have not actually screwed your boyfriend. We did not get to that juncture before we heard the kettle boil.’

  ‘You expect me to believe that was the first time?’

  Piet glanced at Theo. ‘I will let Theo explain,’ he said, ‘but yes, on my honour, that was the first time all three of us had got together to explore sexually in that way. I do not think I will be trying a threesome for a while after this. I will give you some privacy.’ He stood up. ‘Oh, Stella, I meant to tell you, I saw an interesting poster in the library today.’

  ‘Is this really the time?’ Theo said through gritted teeth.

  ‘It is on my mind, so I would like to tell her now. It was about a support group, Stella, for adult children of divorce, such as you and me. It’s on Wednesday evening. I am planning to attend and will accompany you, if you wish it.’

  ‘Sounds interesting, Piet, thank you.’

  ‘If you are still here, of course. I will be, though I fear in the long term it may be uncomfortable for me and Gabby to continue living under the same roof. She is a woman of large moods.’

  He went out, and Theo and I looked at each other.

  ‘And then there were two,’ I said.

  ‘Babe, I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t “babe” me. Sorry you cheated, sorry you lied, or sorry I caught you?’

  ‘All of it.’

  ‘I suppose Piet’s cryptic comment meant that you have been sleeping with Gabby.’

  Theo shook his head, no, but said, ‘Yes.’

  ‘She really is something…’ I started to say, then realised that Gabby had made no promises to me. ‘But unlike some people sitting here, she never pretended to be a good friend, or told me she would never hurt me.’

  ‘She’s sleeping with Piet, too,’ Theo said.

  ‘I guessed.’

  He stared at the table. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again. ‘I promise I won’t sleep with her, or anyone else, again, if you’ll give me another chance.’

  ‘It’s a damn shame,’ I said. ‘Because I loved you, and thought you felt the same.’

  ‘I did!’ He looked up, and there were tears in his eyes. ‘I do!’

  I stood up and put on my coat. ‘I needed you this last week, Theo. Really needed you. It’s been the most difficult week of my life, but you ghosted out on me. You lied about what you were doing, you’ve been lying for I don’t know how long.’

  ‘Not long!’

  ‘I don’t need to know. See you.’

  He jumped up and stood in front of the door. ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘Back to my dad’s for tonight. I need to think about what I’m going to do about living and working with Gabby.’

  ‘Please, Stella, don’t go. I messed up so bad.’

  ‘Blocking the door isn’t going to make things better.’

  ‘Let’s talk some more. Give me another chance.’

  ‘Can you get out of the way, Theo? I don’t want to have to wrestle you.’

  ‘Please, Stella!’ His face was bright red. ‘Please sit down and let me explain.’

  I tried to get past him but he stood firm. We grappled for a few weird seconds, and my mum’s words came into my head.

  I know people sometimes push you around.

  ‘Will. You. Fucking. MOVE!’ I yelled, making us both jump.

  Theo abruptly stepped aside.

  I rushed past him, wrenched the door open, and ran out of the house. I drove in a random direction for ten minutes, then pulled over and rang Gran, who, unlike Dad, owned a mobile phone.

  ‘Hello, Stella dear, are you all right? I’ve just seen your mother at a rather shabby hotel in Greater London.’ No one could make ‘Greater London’ sound as unappealing as my grandmother. I couldn’t wait to see her and get one of her affectionate pats.

  ‘I’m fine, Gran. I’ll see you back at Dad’s later for a debrief.’

  ‘Looking forward, dear gel. Kiss kiss!’

  ‘Kiss kiss, Gran.’ I hung up, and put my foot to the floor. Sometimes – maybe Mum knew this too – running away felt so very, very good.

  Twelve

  Kay

  I waited till my coffee was in front of me, then pressed the green button on my phone, summoning this number I had never before called. My heart was thumping like a kangaroo’s tail. Get me with the Aussie references. It rang four times, then she picked up.
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  ‘Good God! Kay!’ Her voice sounded weird.

  ‘Hey, Bear!’ I aimed for a casual tone, but my voice was higher than usual.

  ‘My God, Kay, what’s wrong? Is it a World-Class Emergency?’

  In spite of my nerves, I smiled at hearing her say our childhood expression. ‘No…’

  ‘Are you OK? You’re not ill, are you? The kids? Richard?’

  ‘We’re all fine. Listen, Bear. I was just a little worried because you haven’t written for a while.’

  There was a pause. Then she said, ‘I am so, so sorry. Time got away with me. You know how it is! Busy, busy. I got your letters, don’t worry, I’ll be back writing next month. Sorry love, I didn’t mean to make you anxious.’

  Oh dear. How anxious would she think I was when I told her where I was calling from? She chattered on, not giving me a chance to speak. ‘So how are you, Kay? It’s all good here, bit fed up with the weather, sun never stops bloody shining, haha, but I shouldn’t be saying that to a Brit, right?’

  Because I hadn’t spoken to her on the phone for more than thirty-five years, I didn’t know if she was always like this, or was just flustered to hear from me.

  ‘So, I’ve got some news, Bear.’

  ‘I knew it. Must be something pretty massive for you to phone me, my love. You better tell me now. I don’t think I can wait for your next letter.’

  ‘Well, you don’t need to wait because…’ Now it was time to say it, my hand clutching the phone shook with nerves. I felt foolish. Bear sounded fine. She’d simply been too busy to write. All my imaginings about what was going on with her seemed ridiculous. There was nothing to warrant this absurd journey; it looked overblown and melodramatic.

  And yet…

  She always wrote.

  I took a breath, and said, ‘You don’t need to wait, because I’m here!’

  ‘You’re where, love?’

  ‘Here! In Sydney!’ In case she thought I meant Sydney in Hertfordshire or something, I added, ‘Sydney, Australia!’ in the daft Dame Edna Everage accent we used back when she first found out she was moving here.

  There was a long silence. Don’t rush in, I told myself. Don’t pre-empt what she might say. Don’t try and guess what she is thinking. But the silence went on so long – probably no more than ten seconds, i.e. an eternity – that I wondered if she’d fainted.

  Finally, when I could stand it no longer, I said, ‘Bear? Are you still there?’

  Her voice came through, less upbeat than before. ‘Yes, love, I’m here. And so, apparently, are you. Fuck! Where are you? Have you got a hotel? If you give me an hour I’ll come to you. Kay, this is so wild! Did you write and say you were coming? Did I miss it? Are you here for work?’

  ‘Bear, I’m in the…’ I glanced at the menu on my table. ‘The Jacked Up Coffee Shop.’

  She let out a long loud breath, a long, whispered, ‘Fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u.’

  ‘Round the corner from—’

  ‘I know where Jacked Up is, Kay.’

  ‘I’m not here for work, Bear. I’m here to see you.’

  ‘Yeah, I’m getting that now. OK. That’s cool. Very cool. Let me get my head into gear. Fuck. OK. I’m not dressed. Give me thirty minutes and I’ll meet you there. I can’t believe it, I can’t believe you’re here.’

  ‘I can come to your house if it’s easier,’ I said.

  ‘No! Stay there. That’s fine. I’ll see you in half an hour.’ Bear hung up, and I closed my eyes for a moment. Everything seemed to be taking slightly longer than it should do. Bear’s response, me processing Bear’s response, the long lazy curve of water that arced into the air and onto the table, caused by me misjudging how close to my hand the water glass was…

  ‘No worries!’ The waitress arrived almost before I’d spilled it, mopped up and got me a fresh glass in an instant.

  ‘Sorry, so sorry. Think I’m a little jet-lagged.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ she said, already moving away and serving about six other people simultaneously, ‘that’ll do it to you.’

  * * *

  I’d never travelled anywhere this far before, never even had a flight with a break in the middle. The whole thing seemed so unreal. I’d thought I might sleep on the second flight, but I was far too wired, so I had two glasses of wine instead, at what might have been night-time but could as easily have been morning. With having had so little sleep on the planes, the sense of being outside my norms, of things being new and strange, was heightened by my conversation with the nice-looking woman I sat next to on the flight from Singapore, who chatted matter-of-factly about her work as an exotic dancer.

  I’d also had plenty of time to reflect on the last few days. Way too much time. I thought about what Stella had told me, about Edward’s continuing absence. I couldn’t believe he’d not been home to see Richard yet. Something felt very off with him. I don’t suppose he could have… but no, how could he? Richard had made a life-long promise and I couldn’t believe he would go back on his word. But of course, I too had made a lifelong promise – till death us do part – and I’d just broken that. So maybe all bets were off when it came to promises.

  I shook my head. There was too much to focus on at once. I would leave things with Edward for now, but the awful row with Stella still reverberated in my head. One traumatised child at a time. I decided that when I got back from Australia I’d see if I could meet her, make an apology she’d be willing to accept.

  My flight got in at a little before seven in the morning. I went straight to my hotel, showered, changed my clothes, and called a cab. I was jagged with nerves and exhaustion and excitement. I didn’t know what time Bear went to work, but assumed eight-ish would be early enough to catch her. I couldn’t wait to see her face when I knocked on her door.

  But when the cab dropped me outside her house, my chardonnay-exotic-dancer feeling evaporated. I waited till the cabbie had disappeared, then I crossed to the other side of the road and stood looking at Bear’s house. Number 192. For so long just an address that I wrote on an envelope every other month, in real life it was a long, two-storey house with a tiled roof, its front covered in cream-coloured wooden boards. The windows were concealed behind striped cotton awnings, so it wasn’t possible to tell if anyone was in, but there was a large black jeep in the driveway.

  Bear and Murray had divorced a few years ago. They had a son, Charlie, now a teenager. I half-expected to see him flying out of the front door, on his way to school, but the house was quiet, no sign of any activity. Perhaps he had already gone, or was staying at his dad’s.

  The Australian sun was already beating down on my head, despite the early hour. I could smell a faint whiff from my armpits.

  Let’s go! I told myself. All I had to do was cross the road and knock on the door. But my legs didn’t move. I’d travelled ten thousand miles to be here, for one purpose only. So what is the matter with me? I asked myself firmly.

  My jittery mind replied, Bear won’t thank you for arriving unannounced. I might even give her a heart attack. Far better to call her first, perhaps from the nice-looking coffee place round the corner that I’d noticed from the cab.

  * * *

  I saw Bear before she saw me, the minute she pushed open the café door. The last time I’d seen her was three, four years ago. Maybe longer. It was on one of her fleeting European tours, with a tiny window for each country and an even tinier window for her friends. Nonetheless, Rose and I managed to meet her, and we had a wonderful evening in London. It must have been nearer five years ago, actually, I realised. Bear was newly divorced and feeling the strain of being a single parent. She’d left Charlie with a UK-based cousin, and for a few hours, the old gang, the three amigos, were back together.

  Bear’s face was strained. Perhaps it was me, turning up out of the blue, that had caused the strain. She looked older, but then who of us didn’t? Her copper-coloured hair was cut short and streaked with grey, and her face was more lined than I remembered. I stood up and she came ov
er, breaking – to my intense relief – into what looked like a genuine smile.

  ‘Kay!’ She threw her arms round me and held me tightly. ‘I can’t believe you’re here. You absolute nutter!’

  I hugged her back, and blinked away a couple of stray tears. I was becoming so weepy in middle-age, I who, as a young woman, had prided myself on never crying. We broke apart, and she sat down, waving a hand at the waitress – ‘My usual.’

  ‘I guess this is your neighbourhood café,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, and it’s so weird to see you in it! You are completely out of context.’

  ‘I feel a bit out of context in general. Day before yesterday, I was in England.’

  ‘So.’ Bear leaned back in her chair and appraised me. ‘What the hell is going on?’ Despite all these years in Australia she still had something of her Liverpool accent, but there was an up-twang, an Antipodean lilt to it that hadn’t been there in Hoylake.

  ‘I wanted to see you,’ I said.

  ‘Did anyone tell you to come?’

  An odd question. ‘No. Why? Who would have told me to come?’

  ‘Murray, perhaps?’

  ‘Good Lord, I’m not in touch with him!’

  ‘Someone else then?’ In response to my puzzled expression, she went on, ‘No, maybe… well, nothing. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m so confused to see you! And you look exactly the same as when I last saw you! What’s your secret?’

  ‘I don’t know, I suppose not updating my look since my twenties is working for me. I love your hair, it looks really cute.’ It didn’t, really. She’d always had such pretty shoulder-length hair, the whole time I’d known her.

  Bear lifted a hand to her head. ‘I’m letting the grey come through.’

  ‘I’m not ready for grey yet,’ I said, ‘but it definitely suits you.’

  The waitress brought Bear a coffee, and they grinned at each other. ‘Can you believe it, Marla?’ Bear said. ‘My oldest friend from England has turned up here, no warning, nothing!’

  ‘Wow!’ Marla smiled broadly at me. ‘That’s pretty cool.’