Directing the Power of Conscious Feelings- Living Your Own Truth

by Clinton Callahan

  LOW DRAMA The classic persecutor, victim and rescuer roles in low drama are so exciting we imagine them to be life. But low drama is not life—it is only low drama. The possibilities of high drama cannot be explored until you get nauseatingly clear about your ongoing participation in low drama. Only after you feel the pain of how much low drama costs in terms of integrity, clarity, and authenticity will you have any chance of relating differently.

  Then, while you are taking out the garbage, you run certain low drama conversations in your mind. You take on a kicked-dog attitude. You start building up a charge about the whole thing. “It’s not really my job. I did it last week. I always have to take out the garbage. I have other things to do, too!”

  Then you march back in with the empty garbage can (and your hungry Gremlin) and use your fresh victim story to find and persecute the person whose job it is to take out the garbage. “Where were you all week? Why do you always avoid your responsibilities? Do you think I don’t have other things to do? Your life is so important that we slaves can take out the garbage for you?” Isn’t this a glorious time (for Gremlin)?

  Or you use your victim story to get sympathy from some willing rescuer. “It wasn’t my job, you see, but I thought I could help out a little. So I took out this stinking garbage can full of fish scraps and chicken fat and the grease got all over my new pants! Look at that! My good pants! Ruined! And it was raining outside, and I slipped in the mud. But the neighbor’s dog had been over in our yard, so it wasn’t really mud that I slipped in . . .”

  Do you know anyone who has ever been a responsible victim?

  Have you ever been a responsible victim before?

  GREMLIN FEEDING TIME

  The persecutor holds the position of “I am okay. You are not okay, so I will get rid of you.” Examples of famous persecutor characters include Adolf Hitler and George W. Bush. The rescuer holds the position of “I am okay. You are not okay, so I will do it for you.” Examples of rescuers are the Boy Scout who brings the old lady across the street even though she doesn’t want to cross the street and the father who interferes with his child trying to learn something by doing it for him.

  It can be difficult to see rescuing as low drama because we think we are just trying to help. But the rescuer holds the same respectless position towards the victim as the persecutor, namely, “I am okay. You are not okay.” Holding this position is a kind of insanity, because every person is unconditionally okay.

  The victim’s position is, “Poor me! I am not okay,” which is also a kind of insanity. Healthy relationship begins from asserting, “I am okay, and you are okay,” a position in which there can be no low drama.

  Low drama is Gremlin feeding time.

  For example, if I walk through a room and smash my knee on a chair, my Gremlin creates a low drama when it says, “Who put this chair here?” Gremlin is the one who swears out loud and kicks the chair, blaming the stupid chair itself for being in my way. Low drama is how I avoid taking responsibility for smashing my own knee into the chair. Gremlin has used a completely neutral incident to create low drama food for itself to eat.

  The low drama is not automatically there. Gremlin created it out of nothing, as a piece of unconscious theater. There was no low drama until Gremlin made one. I could have simply rubbed my knee, moved the chair so someone else didn’t bump into it, and gone on my way. But Gremlin didn’t let me. Gremlin was hungry and whipped it up into a low drama to feed on.

  WHICH “I” IS SPEAKING NOW?

  It can be quite enlightening to be careful when you use the word I. This is because your Box has parts. When you are meticulous about your use of the word I, you gain experiential clarity that your Box has more than one I, each with its own purpose and style.

  Soon you will discover that you live in a rapidly changing circus of “I’s”. “I am a man. I am a father. I am a computer programmer. I am a husband. I am a SCUBA diver. I am an artist. I am Irish. I am Taoist Orisha Muslim Rasta Shinto Baha’i Sufi. I am . . .” (fill in the blank).

  As each particular I takes over, you slip into identification with that I, as if this is the only possible I that you could be. You easily assume that you are a single I when in fact you are a rather ill-tempered schizophrenic committee. You can observe this easily in another person when, for example, the phone rings and it’s the person’s mother, or the police, or their kid. Suddenly they slip into a completely different I, with different speech patterns, different tone of voice, different postures. When the phone call ends they pop back into the I that talks to you, and they don’t notice that anything ever changed. You see it in others, of course, but you might hesitate to admit it of yourself (yourselves). Admit it or not, it is still true. Within you is a complex underworld ecology of characters and roles to play out. Lording over them all is your Gremlin, the king or queen of your shadow world.

  LOW DRAMA IS SO EXCITING WE THINK IT IS LIFE

  Whatever part of your Gremlin you do not consciously own, owns you. That is, Gremlin will feed himself on every part of your life that you do not restrict him from feeding on. The process of becoming more and more conscious of the deeds and intentions of your own Gremlin may constitute the most painful experience of your life. After a while you may come to agree that it is better to know the scandalous truth about yourself than to remain a deluded victim of your Gremlin’s unconscious intentions.

  Let’s go back to the example of bumping into a chair. Suppose you bump your knee and your Gremlin is hungry for a low drama. Using the chair as his opportunity for a “meal,” your Gremlin takes on the low drama role of victim. If your Gremlin can find the evil person who put that chair in your way, then Gremlin has proved that this person persecuted you. Gremlin then feels instantly justified changing roles in the low drama and getting revenge by persecuting the persecutor who sabotaged your whole life with that chair.

  Only a hungry Gremlin will accept being put in the role of persecutor in someone else’s low drama. When you are clear about what low drama is and can detect when a low drama is being generated, you won’t accept the invitation to join the low drama. Your hungry Gremlin might very much want to, but you don’t have to. You can provide food for your Gremlin in other ways. By cultivating a conscious relationship with your Gremlin you can elegantly sidestep low dramas the way a bull-fighter sidesteps a charging bull. You let low drama charge past without being hooked by its horns. Letting low dramas pass you by without being hooked is called high drama, but we are getting ahead of ourselves here. We will get to high drama in a later chapter. Right now we are still discovering how hungry Gremlins periodically change our lovely lives into low drama feeding frenzies.

  As soon as your Gremlin has identified another person’s Gremlin as one that is willing to play the role of persecutor in your Gremlin’s low drama, then your Gremlin is justified in instantly switching roles and taking revenge on the persecutor. Your Gremlin becomes the new persecutor and their Gremlin becomes the new victim.

  Then some other hungry Gremlin can come along and say, “Oh, what happened to you? Are you all right? Oh, poor baby! Let me get you some ice to put on your knee, some cream and a Band-Aid. How could this happen to you? That’s not fair!” Now the rescuer has arrived and the low drama is in full action.

  But the hungry rescuer Gremlin can go even further in this low drama. The rescuer can attack the persecutor for hurting the poor victim. “You idiot! That chair doesn’t belong here!” The rescuing Gremlin changes role from rescuer to persecutor! “Can’t you ever put things back where they belong?” The persecutor becomes the victim Gremlin! “I didn’t know! Nobody told me! It was an accident! The phone rang and I had to answer it right away so the baby didn’t wake up. I just forgot to put the chair back!”

  LOW DRAMA It seems so real but low drama is just Gremlins devouring your life energy. In this low drama exercise, the objective is to not change roles—difficult—because as soon as the victim can prove that someone is hurting her she can instantly change
roles from victim to persecutor and take revenge. Resisting the shift of roles brings the low drama into the light of consciousness.

  This is so exciting! Low drama is so exciting that it is easy to assume it is life. But low drama is not life. Low drama is low drama, a Gremlin feeding frenzy. On and on, around the triangle they go, each Gremlin taking its turn playing its favorite roles until the Gremlins have had their feast and the low drama comes to a stop.

  Low dramas do not end because something has been resolved. Low dramas end because the Gremlins have full stomachs and have gone to sleep. You may think, “Hmmm . . . I wonder what that was all about? Silly me.” You may even go apologize. Peace reigns. There are no more low dramas . . . until your Gremlin wakes up hungry again.

  Some Gremlins have a feeding schedule of one big low drama each month for seven days straight. Some Gremlins eat once a week for one or two days. Some Gremlins feed themselves on one solid low drama a day. And some Gremlins are snackers, creating little low dramas here and there with anybody who crosses their path all day long. What is the feeding schedule of your Gremlin?

  Low dramas don’t change anything. That is not their purpose. The purpose of low dramas is to feed hungry Gremlins. The tastiest Gremlin foods are innocence, tenderness, vulnerability, joy, success, order, love, and trust. Each Gremlin serves a set of three, four or five Shadow Principles, such as betrayal, deception, being right, superiority, manipulation, domination, control, or revenge. The Shadow Principles of your Gremlin are your hidden purpose. It is what you serve when you are unconsciously feeling.

  It does not matter how right you are, how good your justifications are, how loudly you blame someone, how artfully you complain, how resentful you are, or how clearly you can prove someone else wrong. Nothing changes in low drama. The only thing that happens during a low drama is that you get older. The procedure for change is taking responsibility. Low drama is taking actions that avoid responsibility.

  It is crucial to disconnect the idea of Gremlin from the idea of bad. Gremlin is not bad. Gremlin is simply Gremlin: irresponsible, the part of each of us serving unconscious purposes.

  Judging something as good or evil, right or wrong (in a moral sense), positive or negative (as in good or bad) is itself a significant Shadow Principle, an irresponsible game.

  Judging something as bad or evil is a clever way for any Gremlin authority figure to create a nearly endless supply of Gremlin feasts. Think of the almost seven hundred years (1184–1860) of first-rate tortures contrived and feasted upon by Catholic Inquisitors as directed by an unbroken series of seventy-five Popes! Think of the two hundred years of governmental witch-hunters testing and burning people in Gremlin feeding frenzies to gain property and riches. Think of modern government and corporate leaders collecting information, assembling armies, growing and selling opium to buy clandestine weapons, imprisoning, torturing and killing so-called terrorists, starting wars and stealing oil. It is not democracy or capitalism. It is all Gremlins.

  Gremlin behavior creates certain kinds of results. Until you recognize your own Gremlin and make his unconscious behavior painfully conscious your Gremlin will continue running your life and feeding on the people closest to you. This happens outside of your awareness. Gremlin is only outside of your awareness because you are numb to the consequences of your Gremlin’s actions. As soon as you lower your numbness bar to the point where you feel the pain of the consequences of your Gremlin’s actions you will no longer be able to permit Gremlin to feed in his usual ways. Your behavior will change by itself.

  Split your attention and neutrally observe how your Gremlin feeds. Become almost neurotically sensitive to discerning low drama actions. Start with yourself. Start with tracking your own wish to hurt others, to be a victim, to make excuses, to complain, and then to switch to persecutor. Ruthlessly notice how glad your Gremlin feels when certain people lose and you win. Notice each little revengeful joke and comment that your Gremlin makes to destroy people around you. Notice all the times your Gremlin triangulates by talking about someone when they are not there, talking behind their back. This is pure Gremlin food and this is the way you keep your Gremlin fat and unconscious. Find out exactly what you are doing or you will have no chance to do something different.

  You are right. This is not fun or pretty stuff we are talking about here. Gremlin activity has been swept under the carpet for most of human history. The majority of people in official institutions, government, politics, corporate businesses, schools, or the church will never learn how their Gremlin dishonors their leadership position just to feed himself. Why not?

  I don’t know why not. I can’t understand it. I think it is fantastic to learn about low drama. Learning to avoid low drama gives you direct access to creating and entering the fabulous world of high drama. In high drama there are glorious moments, ecstatic sensations, wondrous experiences, archetypal love, trust, friendship, inspiration and respect. True joy flows freely and abundantly.

  Why don’t we people want this? I think we actually do want this. I think we do want to turn on our conscious archetypes and create an ongoing series of responsible gameworlds for fulfilling our Bright Principles together. I think we do; we simply were never told it was possible. We see no role models. We do not yet realize we have this option. We haven’t been educated about this yet. This is cool new stuff.

  The experiments you try while learning how to feel are at the cutting edge of human evolution. You are the role model. Each effort you make launches new forms of consciousness that others can then more easily follow. Each connection you establish with people who are also seeking to lower their numbness bar and gain their conscious feelings weaves strands in a network of critical connections. Resilient connections establish the basis for the emergence of a sustainable next culture that replaces patriarchal empire. This mirrors the high drama of you learning to consciously feel.

  OWN YOUR GREMLIN

  Certain experiments change your relationship to your Gremlin. Previously, Gremlin knocked you unconscious and did whatever it wanted to feed itself on your life. In these experiments you make Gremlin your ally instead of your owner.

  At first Gremlin will hate you for your efforts. Gremlin hates you because you represent responsibility. Responsibility to Gremlin is like water to the Wicked Witch of the West. If you douse Gremlin with responsibility he fears he will dissolve. Gremlin is terrified that you seeing him means he will soon starve to death from lack of irresponsible, low drama food. Your job is to put your Gremlin on a regular feeding schedule so that starvation is no longer an issue for Gremlin.

  GREMLIN Each of us has an inner Gremlin actively serving irresponsible Principles. Gremlin is neither good nor bad; he is simply Gremlin. Whatever part of your Gremlin you do not consciously own, owns you. Artwork © Copyright 2010 by Timo Wuerz, all rights reserved.

  There are certain foods that your Gremlin loves to eat—foods that regularly deplete your energy reserves—and other foods that will feed your Gremlin without costing you so much in terms of the quality of your life. Your task is to distinguish between these two kinds of Gremlin foods. Then you feed your Gremlin the foods that you choose on a schedule set by you rather than letting Gremlin eat the foods he chooses on his schedule.

  To start, make a list of what your Gremlin loves to eat whenever he has free rein. For example, your Gremlin might love to devour the following:

  TYPICAL GREMLIN FOODS

  • Creating the story that your boss, companion, or child is an enemy and having regular low drama confrontations.

  • Weekly social gatherings with alcohol, coming home late and drunk.

  • Eating an ice cream a week.

  • Incessantly talking to fill up any empty space with the sound of your own voice.

  • Staying up until 3 A.M. on business trips watching porn films.

  • Not paying your telephone bill and having the phones almost cut off.

  • Finding fault with your mate as an
excuse to throw dishes and lamps against the wall.

  • Wearing funny, strange or mismatched clothes to get attention.

  • Behaving insanely to shock people.

  • Interrupting other people to blurt out whatever you want to say.

  • Teasing your mother-in-law so she is too flustered to criticize you.

  • Bingeing on videos every other week.

  • Drinking colas or coffee every day, or all day.

  • Complaining.

  • Changing everything into something to laugh at.

  • Eating doughnuts, cookies, candy, or cake daily.

  • Smoking (anything).

  • Gossiping; speaking about someone when they are not there (triangulating).

  • Putting attention on and believing what you see on TV or read in newspapers and magazines.

  • Watching horror films; reading murder mysteries.

  • Holding resentful grudges and plotting revenge in the bottom of your heart.

  • Eating chocolate.

  • Thinking about eating chocolate.

  • Thinking that you shouldn’t eat so much chocolate.

  • Sleeping past your alarm.

  • Devouring greasy, salty junk food, such as hot dogs, burgers, chips, pretzels, popcorn, peanuts, and fries.

  • Catalog shopping to the maximum limit on your credit cards.

  • Biting your nails, scratching your face, twisting or pulling your hair, picking your nose.

  • Having internet sex here and there.

  • Having an ongoing feud with your neighbors and feeling right about your position.

  • Eating so much pizza and ice cream that the endorphins kick in.

  • Having power struggles with your mate; proving they are wrong in public.

  • Manipulating relatives, colleagues and authority figures with your illnesses.

  • Leaving messes around the house that drive your partner crazy, or ranting about their messes.