Unworthy

by Evans, A. K.

  I thought back to the conversation I’d had with Trent on Saturday in the master bathroom of the new house. Thinking of it, I couldn’t help but smile. Saying Trent treated me right didn’t seem to do justice to what it was that he actually did for me.

  “He takes care of me in ways I never knew were possible,” I assured him. “There’s nobody like him, Dad. Trent treats me like I’m a princess. He treats me like he’s trying to prove to me that he’s worthy of me. The thing is, he always has. And what’s sad about it is that he was never unworthy, not even when I told him he was.”

  “I’m sorry, Delaney. I never should have done that to you.”

  I nodded and said, “No, you shouldn’t have. But it’s done, I have Tate now, and I promised Trent I was going to let that go. So, I’m letting go of my guilt. You should, too.”

  “You’re my daughter,” my father started. “I’ll never let go of feeling guilty for hurting you. And, as a mother now, I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from. If you ever did something that you knew was wrong and hurt your little boy in the process, you’d never forgive yourself. That’s just the way it is.”

  When he put it like that, I had to agree. Of course, I couldn’t imagine ever doing something to Tate like what my father had done to me, but I didn’t feel it was necessary to point that out. So, I simply offered him a nod of understanding.

  Tate and I stayed at my father’s place for another half hour. I hated having to cut the time short, but it was getting late and Tate was tired.

  I packed up my son’s things and lifted him in my arms. My father stood from the couch. “I’ll walk you to the door,” he said.

  “Are you sure? Can you do that?”

  “Yes. In fact, after you and Trent visited me the first time, and especially after you told me about this guy, I decided to look into alternative forms of treatment. It’s been said that some forms of physical therapy can help with ALS. I’ve got a grandson now. I want to be around for as much of his life as I can be.”

  My eyes filled with tears.

  My father continued, “I figure it’s best I start making the effort to prolong my life. I might not be able to do much, but any extra time I can get now is better than nothing.”

  A lump had formed in my throat. I didn’t know what the right thing to say was, but I eventually said, “I hope it works.”

  With that, my father pulled me in for a hug and whispered, “I love you, Delaney.” He kissed the top of my head, turned to Tate, and kissed him, too.

  “Say bye-bye to Grandpa,” I encouraged Tate.

  “Bah, bah, bah.”

  My eyes widened and shot to my dad. “That’s the first time he’s ever said that.”

  My father smiled as I kissed Tate’s chubby cheek. Then, he walked us to the door and waited in the doorway until Tate and I were safely inside the car and backing out of the driveway.

  “Thank you for being willing to cut the time working on the house short today,” I said to Trent as he began driving us down the mountain driveway to the main road. “I know I said we weren’t going to go back until Christmas, but that was obviously before all of this happened with Dad.”

  “It’s not a problem, Delaney,” he returned. “You don’t need to thank me. We’ve been getting a lot done on the house and it’ll still be there tomorrow. Your dad only has so much time left.”

  Trent was such a good man. It amazed me how he could so easily forgive my father for what he’d done to us. I’d already shared my surprise at that with him. But seeing his willingness to accompany us to the cemetery earlier than we originally planned just so my dad could visit my mom’s grave was something else.

  My love for Trent grew with each day that went by, and it was a wonder my heart hadn’t yet exploded.

  We’d gotten up this morning and quickly got ourselves ready so we could get up to the house and put in a fair amount of time on it. The days were flying by and winter was fast approaching as evidenced by the plunging temperatures and recent snowfalls. Trent and I would be fine, but Tate and my father might not fare so well in the cold, even if they were all bundled up.

  The drive to my father’s house took a little longer than expected considering we’d had some snowfall overnight. When we arrived, I asked, “Do you mind waiting here with Tate so we don’t have to take him out in the cold again?”

  Trent shook his head. “That’s fine. If you need my help, though, just come and get me so we can swap.”

  All I could do was lean in and give him a kiss to show my appreciation.

  “Dad said he started therapy this week, so he wants to try to do more walking before he completely loses his ability. Even still, we’re going to bring his chair. I’ll need your help with that when we get back out here.”

  Trent gave me a nod.

  With that, I hopped out of the truck and made my way to the front door. After confirming he was dressed warm enough and had everything he needed, I helped him walk back out to the truck. Once there, Trent exited the truck and took my father’s wheelchair from me. He put the chair in the back while I helped my dad into the front seat.

  A few minutes later, I was sitting in the backseat talking to Tate as Trent drove us to visit my mom.

  When we arrived, Trent noted, “There’s a lot of ice here. We’re going to have to be careful.”

  I unfastened Tate from his seat while Trent exited the truck and came around to open my door. He took Tate from my arms. As soon as he had him tucked safely in one of his arms, he held his free hand out to me and made sure I was steady on my feet.

  “You think he’ll agree to using his chair now?” Trent asked me after he closed my door and guided me around to the opposite side of the truck. “I’m happy to help him if he wants to walk, but he’s taking a risk trying to walk on this.”

  “I’ll ask him,” I returned, moving to open my father’s door. “Hey, Dad. What do you think you want to do? There’s a fair amount of ice out here, and we don’t want you to get hurt. Would you prefer to walk or use your chair?”

  Worry consumed his features. “I don’t want her to see me this way.”

  Pride.

  My father still had his pride.

  “Okay. I’ll help you walk over there then. You have to promise to hold on to me, though, alright? That’s the deal.”

  He nodded his understanding before he moved to get out of the truck. I helped him out, and he held tight to me the entire walk to Mom’s grave. Even though we moved slowly, I could tell just how fatigued he was by the time we got there. I wasn’t sure how he’d make it back when we finished.

  I brushed off those thoughts quickly, though, because we were all standing there and nobody had said anything.

  “Hey, Mom. I’m back earlier than expected. Just as I promised, Tate and I brought Trent to see you this time. Even better, we brought Dad with us.”

  Silence filled the air.

  I continued, “I hope you can hear me, Mom. Dad found a way to reach out to me and we’ve been working on rebuilding our relationship. He’s apologized to me, and I couldn’t bear to not try and work things out.”

  I glanced over at my father and saw him struggling not to break down. He took a moment to collect himself, pushed past whatever he was feeling, and took a step forward.

  “Lizzie, darling, we’re grandparents,” he declared. The second the words were out of his mouth, a lump formed in my throat. “Honey, you know how beautiful I thought Delaney was when she was a baby. But this little guy, Tate…he’s even more beautiful than she was.”

  My eyes slid to Trent’s as a tear spilled down my cheek. His face softened as he reached out with his free hand to swipe at my tear.

  “You would have loved him, Liz,” my father went on. “I’ve only been around him twice now, but he’s already the light of my life. I can’t stop thinking about him, wondering what he’s doing when I can’t be there to see him.”

  He paused a moment and looked over at Tate. His eyes brightened at the sig
ht of his grandson.

  When he turned his attention back to my mother’s headstone, he stated, “I’m sick, Elizabeth. The doctors don’t think I’ve got a lot of time left. Part of me was happy, ready to let this disease take me, knowing I’d get to see you again soon. But I’m not ready anymore, honey. I need more time here. I want to see this little boy grow up. So, I’m not giving up and I’m going to keep walking as long as I can. And I’ll put every dime I have into all the treatments and therapies they can offer to help me extend my time here. I miss you, darling. I can’t wait to see you again, but I figure if you see your grandson, you understand why I’m just not ready yet.”

  I was on the verge of a full-blown meltdown. Never in a million years did I think I’d be here at my mother’s headstone with Trent, Tate, and my father. And never did I imagine I’d be devastated at the thought of losing my father. This was the life I was given, though. I just wasn’t sure how I’d get through.

  “It’s really cold, Mom,” I finally said. “Tate and Dad need to get back into the car where it’s warm. We’ll come back and visit at Christmas. Until then, we’ll be thinking of you and missing you like crazy.”

  As I always did before I left, I pressed a kiss to my two fingers and touched her headstone. “Love you, Mom,” I whispered before my fingers left the stone.

  My father croaked, “I love you, Lizzie.”

  He held on to me as he turned away and started in the direction of the truck, but he was fatigued.

  “Are you sure you can make it back?” I asked him. “We can get your chair for you.”

  He shook his head. “I can do it, Delaney. I might be slow, but I can do it.”

  “Baby?” Trent called from directly behind me.

  I glanced back as I held on to my father. “Yeah?”

  “Why don’t you take Tate and go back to the truck so you can get him out of the cold?” he suggested. “I’ll walk back with your dad.”

  I blinked in surprise. “Are you sure?”

  Trent shot me a disbelieving look. “Take your baby, Delaney.”

  “Listen to him, darling. It’s too cold out here for Tate. I don’t want him getting sick because I can’t move quickly.”

  We stopped moving, and I took Tate out of Trent’s arms. Trent gave me the keys to the truck, and I hurried back to get Tate inside it. Once we were in the truck, I turned it on to let it warm up and looked out the window.

  It was then that I fell a little harder for the man who had my heart. Watching him be patient with my father as they slowly made their way back to the truck was the most moving thing to witness. My heart was practically bursting with love for Trent.

  I’d always known he was a good man, but this was something else entirely. And I knew it was something that moved me so much, I needed to talk to him about it.

  It took some time, but Trent and my dad finally made it back to the truck. Trent held my father’s door open and made sure he was safely inside before he moved around and got in on the opposite side. I got Tate situated in his seat before Trent took off.

  “If you’re up for it, Dennis, I’d like to take you, Delaney, and Tate out for dinner tonight.”

  With everything in me, I pressed my lips together and swallowed the sound of a sob threatening to escape.

  I loved Trent Michaels.

  For everything that he was.

  My father agreed, and we all went out to dinner. We had a great time, and Tate was the center of attention. Of course, several times throughout dinner, I diverted my focus from my boy to my man. And every time I did, I thanked my lucky stars that he was back in my life.

  Following dinner, we took my father home and drove back to my apartment. When we got back, I went about giving Tate his bath and getting him ready for bed. It had been a long day and he was exhausted. I nursed Tate after his bath, but he was so tired, he fell asleep within minutes.

  After putting him down for the night in his crib, I stepped out of Tate’s room and ran right into Trent. I slipped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight. I didn’t want to let him go, but I still had some things to do, so I tipped my head back and said, “I need to pump and shower. Then, I just want to climb in bed with you and lay together like this.”

  “I can do that for you,” he returned, his voice gentle. “I showered while you took care of Tate.”

  I inhaled the scent of him. “I can tell. You smell amazing.”

  He let out a chuckle and bent to kiss my nose. “Go pump so we can get in bed together.”

  “Okay.”

  Thirty minutes later, I’d pumped, showered, dried my hair, and brushed my teeth. I stepped out of the bathroom and found Trent waiting in bed for me. As I walked over to him, he pulled the covers back for me. I slipped under them and was instantly hauled up against his body.

  Our bodies were pressed together, my front to his, as he wrapped a hand behind my thigh and guided my leg over him. We stayed there in silence for several long minutes until I wondered, “Can I ask you a question?”

  “What’s up?”

  “How do you do it?”

  His hand that had been tracing patterns delicately on my hip stopped moving. “How do I do what?”

  I took in a deep breath and blew it out before I explained, “How do you have the heart to be who you are and show compassion to a man who wanted to have you locked up for something you didn’t do?”

  Trent didn’t respond immediately. After a moment of silence, he answered, “He’s an old man, sweet cheeks. And he’s your father. He made a really terrible decision all those years ago, but he’s apologized. I could hold a grudge and let him know just how angry I am that he stole those years from us, but it wouldn’t matter. Seeing how he was the day you and I went to his house and then hearing him talk to your mom today tells me that that man carries enough guilt around as it is.”

  I couldn’t say I didn’t agree. “It was hard to hear him talking to her today,” I remarked. “I’m happy he wants to try whatever he can to prolong his life, but it was so difficult hearing him admit to my mother that he wasn’t ready to come see her yet.”

  Trent gave me a gentle squeeze. “I can’t imagine he’s in a very good place mentally right now. He’s been living with a lot of regret all these years. Now he has a chance to make amends and rebuild his relationship with you. I understand why he’d want to do what he could to see that he’s around as long as possible.”

  “Is it strange that I basically despised him a couple weeks ago and now I’m terrified of losing him?”

  “He’s your dad, Delaney,” Trent began. “What he did back then wasn’t right, but he’s apologized to the both of us and I believe he’s genuine in his apology. To answer your question, baby, I’m able to find compassion for the man because not only do I believe he realizes just how badly he screwed up, but I also want to give you what you deserve. Causing you more stress isn’t part of that. So, I’m not holding on to a justified grudge for the sake of doing it. In the end, I’ve got you here with me and he’s already beating himself up enough about what he’s done. I don’t need to add to that.”

  Trent was an amazing man. I’d always known it, but this was a testament to just how incredible he was.

  Because it was selflessness. It was about forgiving someone who didn’t necessarily deserve it and certainly hadn’t done much to earn it.

  It was about Trent doing what he always said he’d do for me. He’d do anything he had to if he believed that by doing it he could make me happy. I would live a lifetime wondering what made me worthy of such a man.

  “I love you so much, Trent Michaels,” I whispered.

  The hand he had at my hip moved up to my face. His thumb stroked along my cheekbone. “I love you, too, Delaney,” he replied, his voice just a touch louder than mine.

  Without any other words, my body melted into Trent’s as he lowered his mouth to mine. He kissed me sweetly before rolling me to my back, settling his body over mine, and finding a way to make me fall jus
t a little bit deeper in love with him again.

  “Ma, ma, ma!”

  My eyes shot to Tate, who was sitting in his highchair, and I asked, “What, baby? Is that good?”

  Mashed up bits of bananas were all over his face and hands. Scrambled eggs were strewn about. Tiny pieces of toast littered the tray in front of him.

  “Na-na. Na-na. Na-nah!”

  I smiled at him and agreed, “That’s right. Those are your bananas.”

  Tate had been talking a lot more lately, adding new words to his vocabulary all the time. Recently, he was a happy chatterbox who loved breakfast time. Even today, when it was a bit earlier than usual to be eating, he was in such a good mood.

  “Eat up, kid,” Trent said from the other side. “We’ve got a busy day today.”

  It was Saturday, the middle of December, and it was officially moving day. I couldn’t believe that tonight we were finally going to be sleeping together in our new home. It was beginning to feel like a dream come true.

  Over the last few weekends, Trent and I had worked hard together to finish a lot of the details in the kitchen, bedrooms, and great room. In addition, his buddies from work came over a few times and helped us out on a few of the other rooms. This was especially great because we were now going to be moving in with a lot more done than we had originally planned.

  “I’m so excited,” I declared, my attention shifting to Trent.

  His face softened, but he remained silent.

  “It’s going to be our first night in the new house tonight. Aren’t you excited?” I wondered.

  “Beyond.”

  “I’m a little worried, though,” I admitted.

  Trent’s brows pulled together as he leaned forward. “What are you worried about, baby?”

  “Do you think we’re going to get it all done before it gets bad outside?”

  Relaxing, Trent sat back and reminded me, “Sweet cheeks, you’re taking Tate to Gloria’s this morning so she can keep him while we get everything moved and set up. The guys are coming here first thing this morning to help move everything out. With everyone helping, we’ll get your entire apartment loaded into the moving truck in no time.”