Stumble Forward

by Alex Jane

  Jack’s jaw clenched and he moved as if to go after him, but it didn’t take much resistance from Alec to stop him. Alec pulled Jack by the arm until they rounded the corner of the building. Jack took a couple of steps back, collapsed against the brickwork and covered his face with his hands.

  “So,” Alec wiped his palm nervously over his mouth, and then shoved his hands in his pockets to hide the adrenaline-induced tremor in them. “That was Dorian, huh? He seems nice.”

  Jack pulled his hands down his face and looked at Alec, all the tension drained out of him and just looking so terrified. “I’m so sorry. He can be such an asshole. I didn’t think he’d just turn up like that. I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to think—”

  Alec held up his hands and walked to Jack, shaking his head. “No, no, no. Not your fault. Not your responsibility. Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever been called a fucktoy before. I’m assuming it’s a compliment?”

  Jack huffed out a laugh and bent forwards, resting his hands on his thighs and shaking his head. “Well, I guess that kinda depends on your point of view. I am really sorry, man. I really thought that he would be okay with this.”

  Alec found himself with a hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Sometimes people need us to stay the same to validate who they are.”

  What he wanted to say was, I could do that, if you wanted, be whatever you wanted, do whatever you wanted, fall to my knees or throw my arms around your shoulders and hold you tight and never let go. But then Jack was standing up and the moment was over.

  “I really thought this time he would support me, y’know? Would want me to get my life together.” Jack scuffed his boots on the dusty sidewalk as they started towards the car. “We’ve been friends such a long time. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want me to be happy?”

  Alec shrugged. “No one can say that for sure but Dorian. And I bet he’s not a hundred percent clear on why he’s doing it either. Maybe because you say your old life made you unhappy and you don’t want that life anymore, but he considers himself a big part of that life and thinks that he’s been making you unhappy and now you’re rejecting him—I don’t know. He’ll come around.”

  Jack laughed but there was a bitter edge to it. “I’m not holding my breath for that. Dorian’s as stubborn as they come.” And the way Jack’s body hung, Alec figured he didn’t feel like talking anymore, so they walked in silence, shoulder to shoulder.

  But Alec’s brain kept itching, and couldn’t help end up asking, “What Dorian said about—were you guys—y’know…?”

  Jack looked at him, barely able to contain his laughter. “Oh my God, are you asking me if me and Dorian were—a couple?” Alec couldn’t look at him but nodded.

  Jack laughed so hard he doubled up and had to stop walking. Alec stared at him and glanced around, hoping that no one was looking. Eventually Jack managed to straighten up, using Alec’s shoulder to balance as they started walking again. “Oh God no! No, no. Strictly friends. Sure, he propositioned me a couple of times when he was drunk but personally I think blowing a straight guy just ‘cause he bought you a couple of beers is not worth the fallout when they sober up—plus there’s no way he’d ever return the favor—”

  Alec just kept walking, trying to concentrate. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Trying not to think about Jack dropping to his knees. Jack’s wet lips on him. Sucking down around him or Alec pushing his face against Jack’s crotch, nuzzling the hard shape under his fly until he could lick his bare skin and find out what he tasted like; and the fact that such a thing didn’t just exist in his fantasy. Well, it did but he felt like it wasn’t something completely unattainable anymore.

  When Jack stopped and turned Alec by the shoulder to look at him, Alec realized Jack had been speaking but he hadn’t heard a word. Jack looked stricken and Alec came back to himself abruptly. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I totally zoned out—What—I wasn’t—Jack? What is it?”

  “I thought you knew—that I’m—” Jack breathed out the words so that they hardly made a sound. “I thought Allie would have—Oh God I thought you knew.” His face was ashen and he seemed to be withdrawing from Alec even though he was frozen in place.

  But Alec grabbed at the cuff of his overall and gripped him tight. “She didn’t but—Jack, it’s fine. More than fine. Why would it matter?”

  Jack shook his head. “It does. To some people it really does.”

  Alec smiled with what he hoped was reassurance and not the pounding passion he was feeling in his chest. “Well, I’m not some people am I? Come on, we’ve just got enough time to eat if we hustle. I’ll even let you sit at the same table with me.” He slapped Jack on the shoulder and started to walk away.

  Jack shook his head but smiled. “Dude. Not funny.”

  Alec looked back over his shoulder and nodded. “I know! I’m starving. Hurry up.”

  Chapter Eleven

  That evening Alec was relieved when Jack didn’t make it home from work until all of the serious cooking was done. Alec heard the front door slam just as he lifted the last piece of chicken off the grill. Thankfully, it reached the safety of its companions on the plate before his hand started shaking enough that he couldn’t hold it.

  He’d been dreading this moment all afternoon.

  After the meeting Jack had gone back to the garage, and Alec and Ethan had talked for so long at the diner that they’d had to order a dessert neither of them had really wanted, just to keep the waitress from scowling at them. Alec had poked at the slice of pie until Ethan had managed to persuade him not to freak out, that everything was okay, and if he wanted to pursue a relationship with Jack then he should just go for it and stop second guessing himself. Ethan had also pointed out that regardless of whether he went for it or not, he had to think of Alicia. Even if their relationship was casual, it was unfair to keep stringing her along.

  In turn, Alec had persuaded Ethan that he was not going to fall off the wagon. In all likelihood he would be leaving in a matter of weeks anyway. Leaving town seemed like the best way to let Alicia down gently, with the added bonus of giving him time to figure out if the way he felt about Jack was more than just an insane crush. Ethan had called him an idiot about that last part.

  Either way, Alec had decided to get the ball rolling on his exit strategy at dinner. He had promised to cook and had arrived early laden with bags. Alicia was working a night shift so hadn’t long woken up when he arrived. He’d made her coffee and broken the news while he washed the salad. She was surprised and a little sad initially but the more they talked about it, the more she seemed genuinely excited for him.

  Alicia sat and watched him chopping sweet potatoes, asking pertinent questions about Matt’s business plans, and how they met at college, and what the new job involved. Her being so sweet and supportive only served to amplify in Alec’s mind what an absolute asshole he was; standing there, smiling at her, pretending to listen to her chatter when she decided she was awake enough to help out and started chopping tomatoes. The guilt was suffocating. And having to keep up the charade when every fiber in Alec’s body yearned for Jack, wanted to smell him, taste him, but most of all needed to be in the same room as him was sheer torture. Alec had to know, needed at least a glimpse, to confirm if what Ethan said was true. That Jack wanted him too.

  Alec dropped the plate of chicken down roughly on the table amongst the salad and sweet potato wedges and warm bread rolls and the rest of the food, just as Jack walked in. He looked tired; his hair mussed and slightly dank, sweat patches staining his t-shirt, his face trying to smile but only just managing it. Jack made a beeline for Alec, flinging his arms out in their usual greeting and Alec went to him, asking, “Hey man, you okay?”

  Jack wrapped his long arms around him and nodded. “Yeah, long day.”

  It could have been a hug like any other except that Alec, who would normally hug Jack close and pat him on the back in a friendly fashion, didn’t. He pulled Jack close and kept pulling, holding him, takin
g a deep breath of sweat and oil and Jack, feeling the hard muscle up against him, his huge frame around him, letting his own hands spread wide on Jack’s back. And Jack let him do it, sinking into him, relaxing like he could finally let go; like he was home.

  It wasn’t a long hug, Jack drew away when he heard Alicia coming down the hall and Alec let him go. Jack smiled at him, full and soft as he widened the space between them, his eyes darting to Alec’s lips, then full of questions when Alec let out a breathy laugh, so surprised by the realization that maybe, just maybe, Ethan had been right. Jack stepped back and slumped down into one of the dining chairs, keeping his eyes fixed on Alec.

  “Oh no, you don’t!” Alicia came up behind him and slapped him playfully on the back of the head, “Go upstairs and take your filthy work stuff off. We’re celebrating and I don’t want you stinking up the place!”

  Alec felt his heart drop. He knew he’d have to tell him. It was the plan after all, but Alicia had kind of preempted the gentle segue he had mapped out in his head.

  Jack looked questioningly at her. “Celebrating what?”

  Alicia grinned. “Alec’s new job!”

  Jack looked at Alec and beamed at him. “Oh that’s great!”

  Alec felt the knot in his chest growing. He swallowed and mumbled out, “Yeah, well, I haven’t actually got it yet.”

  He went through the same explanation he’d given Alicia about Matt and his company and the great opportunity. Jack had nodded knowingly when Alec told him about the interview he’d had. It had been a Skype call with Matt and his business partner, Richard, but it had gone really well and they’d asked him to come in for an interview next week. Jack had grinned at him the whole way through, and the way his eyes were flooded black by his huge pupils made Alec stumble over his words, he was smiling so much.

  “And now tell him the crap bit,” Alicia interrupted, taking a swig from her water bottle. She was leaned up against the kitchen counter watching Alec and smiling proudly.

  Alec swallowed and opened his mouth but nothing came out. The look on his face must have been less than reassuring as Jack stopped smiling and said, “What?”

  Alec tried again but Alicia got there first. “It’s in Austin.”

  Jack looked like she had slapped him. He looked wide-eyed at Alec and struggled to get the words out. “Wait. You’re moving? To Austin?”

  Alec tried to sound casual, like everything was fine, like it didn’t really matter one way or another. “Well, I don’t have the job yet, nothing’s been decided and even if I get it, it’s not that far away.”

  Alicia pushed up off the kitchen counter and went to the fridge. “Well, it’s far enough that we need to start making the most of the time you have left. And even if we didn’t, I need to leave for work in a couple of hours so please take a shower already, Jack. I’m starving!”

  <•••>

  Alicia had offered to drive Alec home on her way to her night shift but he told her he needed to walk off all that food, and she’d shrugged and let him go. He felt like it was the first truthful thing he’d said to her all night.

  As he wandered the few blocks back to his house his mind went over and over each detail of the evening, or rather each detail of Jack. He knew hyper-analyzing was not something he should allow himself to do but he couldn’t help it.

  The way Jack’s pupils expanded so wide at the sight of him when he came in, the way he leaned so far into Alec when they hugged; uninhibited and warm. The feel of Jack’s hands on him, the way the tips of his fingers applied that extra bit of pressure that was more than just friendly. The way his smile dimpled his cheeks. The sensation on his skin, when Jack’s eyes had flicked down to look at his mouth.

  And then there was the look of utter shock on Jack’s face, when Alicia told him about Austin. The way sadness seemed to morph seamlessly into betrayal the more Alec tried to play it down and make light of it. The way his skin was scrubbed pink and his hair was slicked back wet when he came back down from his shower. The way he wouldn’t meet Alec’s eyes, and quietness through dinner. Jack had picked at his food and hardly seemed to eat anything. The fact that he turned in for bed early, saying how tired he was. The way he glanced up at Alec as he mounted the stairs and Alec could see the paleness of his skin and the slight pink around his dark eyes like he was trying not to cry. The hurt in that look.

  All Alec could think was, I did that. He felt like such an asshole. He had wanted some sign that Jack had feelings for him and he had got it. Alec wasn’t sure what he wanted from Jack, couldn’t imagine how he was going to deal with his feelings for him, had only thought about cutting himself off from Alicia, from him, and wallowing in their unrequited agony.

  But he hadn’t counted on Jack actually feeling anything for him, or that Jack could be hurt by his decision.

  Alec walked up to the darkened house, relieved that his mother was away for the weekend. The last thing he wanted tonight was to have to pretend to be cheerful or talk about his evening. He was looking forward to a hot shower, falling into bed and hoping that sleep took him quickly, so he wouldn’t have to think about that look of hurt and betrayal on Jack’s face until tomorrow.

  He managed to get most of the way through the door before he felt his phone start to vibrate in his pocket. He yanked the key from the lock, slammed the door shut and leaned back up against it in the dark as he wrestled his cell from his jeans.

  His stomach flipped when he saw Jack’s name on the screen but he didn’t hesitate to swipe his thumb over the accept button and lift it to his ear.

  “Hey.” The line was silent except for Jack’s shuddering breath at the other end. Alec ran his fingers over the line of his brow. “Jack? Are you okay?”

  It was a stupid question and Jack huffed out a laugh in response. “No. No I’m really not.”

  Alec wanted to ask what’s up? as if he didn’t have a clue. But then it seemed ridiculous that he should be having such an influence on Jack, that he should be so self-important to believe that all this was entirely his fault. He opened his mouth to speak but Jack got there first. “I really need a drink.”

  “No. No, Jack you don’t! Come on, man, just think about this—”

  “Can I—can I come over?” Jack’s voice was so quiet Alec almost didn’t catch what he said and even then he couldn’t make his brain make a coherent thought in time to reply before Jack pleaded, “Please, Al. I’m scared to be on my own.”

  Alec swallowed. He remembered that feeling and the ghost of it flashed through him in sympathy. He breathed out hard and croaked, “Of course. Of course you can. I’ll make some coffee.”

  He recited some directions, it wasn’t exactly a complex journey, one right and a left, and then hung up. He stood there in the dark with his face in his hands and tried to quell the feeling in his stomach. For a second he considered calling Ethan. Jack wasn’t the only one that needed a drink now but instead he dumped his jacket on the hall chair and headed for the kitchen.

  Chapter Twelve

  Alec pulled two mugs out of the kitchen cupboard and set them next to the coffee machine just as the doorbell rang. The sound made his stomach flip like it was trying to claw its way out through his skin. He had to stop to catch his breath and close his eyes to center himself for a moment, before he could even try to answer the door.

  When he walked into the hall, he could see Jack through the patterned glass panel near the top, the tips of his hair illuminated by the porch light and whatever Alec’s stomach did this time sent pins and needles sparking down his arms and legs and he suddenly felt terrified.

  As he put his shaking hand out to release the catch, he tried to remind himself that Jack needed him, needed him to help and that feeling guilty wasn’t going to do that. Alec was trying to do the right thing and if him thinking about leaving had upset Jack, then he knew Jack would come around and see the sense in it eventually. He’d realize it was for the best.

  When Alec pulled open the door, Jack had taken
a few steps away, like he had changed his mind and decided to leave. He turned and looked sheepishly at Alec, hands pressed deep into the pockets of his jeans, his shoulders pulling in as if to try to make him look small. His face looked haggard and pale but his eyes were sharp and wet, hard with sadness. Alec could barely look at him, the guilt gripping him tight. He didn’t speak, didn’t trust his voice enough to even want to attempt it. He simply held the door open and turned his body sideways and Jack passed right in, squeezing by, but giving Alec his back.

  Jack followed along in silence as Alec led him into the kitchen. Neither of them spoke; the awkward tension between them rendering words obsolete. Alec went to the counter and poured the coffee, while Jack unzipped his jacket and hung it on the back of one of the tall chairs at the kitchen island. When Alec turned to place the mug in front of him Jack was leaned up against the island, glaring at him, the doubt and reluctance shucked off with his coat.

  “How long have you known?”

  Alec looked at him. Jack’s face was steely, looking at him with raised eyebrows to emphasize the question. It was not what he had expected. Alec opened his mouth but his brain was drawing a blank, and nothing came out.

  “About the job. How long, Alec?”

  Alec shrugged and sighed out, “A few months.”

  Jack huffed out a derisory laugh and pushed himself away from the countertop. There was something about it, something about the way he turned his back on Alec again, the way he looked to the heavens and covered his mouth, like Alec had done this on purpose.

  Suddenly the guilt melted away and Alec just felt pissed. He didn’t hold back when he thumped his coffee down on the counter in front of him, hot black slopping over the clean white surface. “Oh my God, is this what this is about? The fact that I didn’t tell you about it sooner? Hell, there was nothing to tell! I’d been talking to Matt about this for weeks before I even met you! And it’s still not settled. He wants me to do it, sure, and I sure as hell want to go but there are a million reasons why it might not work out—”