In the first show of true affection Alex had seen, she watched Nick get up and go over to Carlie, his arms wrapping around her, even as she tried to push him off. Finally, she collapsed to the floor in a fit of anguish.
Not knowing what else she should do, Alex got up and left to find Emuriel and tell him the decision she had made. At least he would likely triumph in what she had chosen.
She found the halls a little less empty, but she still suspected the angels must have been called away to handle another world in chaos. She only ran into three on her way to those golden doors where she hoped she would find Emuriel. And this time, as the guards let her inside, she did find him on his throne, looking ready to give an order at any moment.
"Have you come to me with news?" he asked, his voice low and unreadable. He didn't sound like himself at all.
"Has something awful happened? Is that why the angels are not here?" Alex asked him, wringing her hands together nervously.
Emuriel sighed and motioned for her to come closer. "I do not wish to keep you in the dark or at a distance, so I will tell you the thing that you don't want to hear. They are standing guard over your world as it falls apart, trying to hold time together and wait for your choice. We do not wish to take that choice away from you."
Alex gasped. She had no idea it would come so soon. The moment she told him what she had decided, it would all end, and it would be over. Amon was likely already too far gone for her to even say goodbye to. She felt a tear roll down her cheek, but Emuriel was quick to wipe it away. "I absolutely despise the way mortals have to feel so much pain. Angels, we get the choice. We get to make the right choices and never face such things ourselves. It makes me ache to see you this way. Just give the word, and we will let you fight if that is what you are wishing for. I will say goodbye to you forever if it means you do not have to cry anymore."
Alex chuckled darkly at that. "Even if I saved my world, there would still be tears. That is life," she explained. "There is no getting rid of that for people."
"Yes, I think I have seen that, though I can't say I understand it any better for surveying it all of my life; at least the part of my life that I remember. But no more of this talk, let's hear what you have to say. What is your answer?" he asked, urging her to tell him the truth.
Alex got the feeling he assumed she was going to choose to fight, and that is what the old her would have chosen, the one without any knowledge. But now she understood, at least to some extent, what the Revenant wanted and why. She knew the difference between right and wrong on a grand scale. It was over now whether she fought or not because good was meant to prevail. "I have decided to allow my world to end as you suggested."
Emuriel sat up on his seat, the most emotion she had seen from him the whole time as he looked over her the light bouncing off that beautiful hair of his. "You chose to side with us?" he asked her as if he didn't believe. "Or will you be destroyed along with it?" he asked, realizing he had jumped the gun.
"I don't think I could ever choose for myself and the others to die. If anything is a sin, that is."
She found herself being swooped into his glorious arms, and she let out a tiny squeak like a mouse as she realized her feet were not touching the ground any longer and his wings were wide, touching from one side of the room to the other. He just barely fit inside of the space. Then, he brought her back down gently. "I am sorry if I scared you, I was just so afraid you would choose another way. Would you like to be there to see it? I wish you could say goodbye, but I am afraid we might not be able to get you out in time if we do that."
Alex nodded her understand. "I think I need to see it. But what about the others?"
"I will allow them to decide, my guard will ask them." He nodded towards the one guard in the room, and he disappeared to ask Alex's friends how they felt about watching their world being destroyed. "I will come with you to ease the pain if you'd like," he offered.
Alex cocked her head thoughtfully. "Can you actually do something like that or do you just mean like moral support?" Alex asked curiously. She could use all the help she could get if she was going to watch it go, but she knew if she didn't it would be like not attending a family member's funeral and regretting it the rest of her life.
"Yes, I can use my powers to make you feel better," he said matter of factly.
The guard came back into the room and shook his head, just as Alex had suspected. None of them could handle the idea of seeing it. She didn't even know if she could, but she felt like she needed to; to watch and remember the place that they lived that was never meant to exist.
"I am ready," she told Emuriel.
Alex allowed herself to be carried once again by an angel, by Emuriel this time, and they took off into the great beyond as she closed her eyes. She felt everything soar by her for many hours, fully awake for the trip this time but afraid to truly see anything. Afraid she might back out of this or feel more fear than she already did.
Finally, they stopped, yet she still felt herself suspended, a little light headed.
"This is as close as we can get," Emuriel said gently, causing her to open her eyes. She could see her world clearly below; three planets that were so close to one another. Why couldn't they get any closer? She wanted to see the capital and its roaring waterfall one last time. She looked down and saw a ring of angels, blinding bright, surrounding the outer rim of all three.
"Will all three be affected?" she asked Emuriel, looking back at his face.
"Yes, they are too close together not to be within each other's creational space. These planets were all created together as one. They are a system, and without time, it will all end."
Alex nodded in preparation, knowing what he really meant; if Amon died, the whole world died.
A signal was given, a trumpet sound from the angels below, and it didn't feel more real than in that moment. The row of angels broke off, and they all flew away, seemingly back to where they had come from.
Alexandra watched as Emuriel placed his hand over her ear, suddenly being able to hear the loud ticking of a large clock. Perhaps she was hearing time itself, as it beat its last beats much like a heart. She gazed down at the center of the planet she once called home as the clock slowed, sounded strange, and then it stopped. There were no more ticks. There were no more beats. And then there it was, and there it wasn't, an entire world reduced to tiny particles of dust floating in space and nothing more. Instead of pain, it was horror she felt. Complete, unadulterated terror.
"Make it stop," she begged under her breath, and Emuriel turned her around and looked into her eyes, holding her firm right on top of his own feet to keep her afloat. She was drawn into his gaze, and it was like that was all she knew. That was all she could see; the swirling colors inside of them. And she didn't even notice when they took flight once more.
Chapter 16
Our feet are planted in the real world, but we dance with angels and ghosts. ~John Cameron Mitchell
THERE was nothing around her but anger and silence. The cold shoulder was nothing compared to this, though Gabe was often a good go between, trying to keep the peace. He peaceably agreed with Alexandra's choice, but they were not close, not in the way she had been with Carlie and Tanner. Not having them on her side and knowing she hurt them, hurt her. She wanted to be allowed to grieve with them, but she just couldn't. Not just because she felt entirely numb from the whole experience, but also because she wasn't allowed anywhere near them, especially Carlie. Nick had wanted to reach out to her; had tried, but it had never turned out well in the end. Carlie would call him back to her, would go into fits of rage and depression. It was hard to handle, and she was just ready to be done with it all. When were they going to get to leave this place that did nothing but remind her over and over that she watched her world die?
A knock came at the door, and Alex jumped up, happy to open it and see that Cassiel and Nahel were both there. "Emuriel would like to see all of you," they announced, and Alex felt a wave of re
lief come over her. When she was around Emuriel she felt normal, alive for once. And seeing him would also mean that they might be allowed to leave and go somewhere else, maybe have a new home.
Alex found herself practically skipping into the throne room and was invited to come stand next to Emuriel who proudly took her hand in his and kissed it, holding it still as he spoke to all of them. Alex easily ignored the glares and murmurs with him by her side. It was like he helped her breathe.
"I know there has been a lot of pain and that you will all continue to grieve what had happened, but I feel confident that in time you will all find new lives and new purposes. For your trouble, we would like to offer you all your freedom on a new world that has not been yet inhabited. It has all been built up and is ready for you as temporary residents until something more permanent is found for all or each one of you depending on what your paths may be," Emuriel said, his face an inviting smile panning the room. Alex was certain he could bring calm to the chaos of all of their souls.
"Yes, we would like to have a home," Tanner spoke up for the first time in days, clinging tight to Gabe and not even looking up. He looked ill and hollow, and it was the first time Alex noticed it. She frowned at him with concern but didn't dare say anything considering she was partially the cause for his trouble.
"Gabe, would you like to go with them or remain with us?" Emuriel questioned. Alex found the offer noble and squeezed Emuriel’s hand a little, though there was no immediate reaction from him. She had to admit she was a little starved for his attention.
"If I may, I would like to stay with Tanner wherever he may be?" Gabe asked, his head bowed in total respect. It warmed Alex's heart to know Tanner had someone to get him through this. Alex feared that Nick was not as well equipped to do the same for Carlie and was often just cleaning up her messes. But there was nothing she could do until Carlie was ready to hear from her again.
"I guess some kind of home will have to do since ours is gone," Carlie spat, trembling like an ex addict as Nick held her back. She looked like she could punch Alex in the face, or maybe it was Emuriel her anger was pointed at. Either way, hopefully a new home would make that rage dissipate.
"Very well, I will have you taken right away."
Alex turned to Emuriel. "Are you not coming with us? I meant….to take us."
Emuriel sighed as the others were escorted out of the room, each of them with two angels who would carry them to whatever new world they were meant to be living on for the next weeks or months, however long temporary was to be. "As much as I want to be the one to take, you, I do have duties to handle. I have to do what my ordained job is even if I want to be with you instead, Alexandra," he said in the lowest of whispers as he stroked her cheek with his thumb.
"I will miss you," Alex croaked out, not looking forward to yet another goodbye, especially one that meant her safety net of good feeling and escape from the searing pain she knew her heart would feel the moment she was alone would be gone.
"I will miss you as well, but I never said I couldn't visit you. You know I will." He bent down to give her a chaste kiss on the cheek. Not quite satisfying, but good enough for a pleasant tingle to run the length of her body. Maybe that would last her a few days until she lost it and broke down. "Until we meet again," he said with a sad smile before letting go and allowing her to walk away and join the others. As she was picked up by two angels the wind was knocked out of her on her way out of the building, traveling too fast to even think about looking back. That chapter of her life was closing, and she clung to all the memories she had with her, all she had left to know that the life she lived before had been real. It had at least been real to her anyway.
Alex did not know how long they were travelling, but it didn't seem as long as any other trip she had taken by angel before. They found themselves landing on a planet with rolling, dusty hills as far as the eye could see beyond the city. It was beautiful in its own right with the golden sunset there to greet them as they touched down. There were no other planets to see from here, at least not in a close enough distance to see with the naked eye. It felt clearly foreign, but it could be home in time. Maybe.
"You'll find food at the market replenished each day and clothes in each of the homes. You can choose from any in this city, though we do not suggest venturing too far beyond. This world is not finished yet." Alex nodded at the mechanical words of one of the angels. "We will be around to check on you from time to time, but otherwise you have your freedom. Please refrain from using your powers in destructive ways."
That was all that was said to them before all of the angels took off, and Alex began to feel the numbness sinking in once more. She turned to her friends, hoping to see some glimmer of hope from them, but what she saw was resignation.
"C'mon, Tanner, let's see where we are staying," Carlie said bitterly, taking a hold of her best friend's hand.
"Shouldn't we all just stick together?" Alex inquired as they began to walk away.
"I can't even look at you right now," Carlie gritted out without turning around, and Alex knew she had her answer.
Chapter 17
We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment. ~Jim Rohn
ALEXANDRA looked out her window to see the light of another day. She knew it was different than the last. There was no angel of time sitting in a clock tower for punishment here, just the typical time running the planet and making it tick, making it go from day to day as she aged with it. But that didn't mean each day didn't feel exactly the same. When you were alone, that was what happened.
Alex had begun to wake up at dawn, make herself a cup of coffee as she watched the sun rise through her window. She felt like an old woman as she did so, wrapped in a shawl as she had to be each night and early morning before the heat of the day hit here in the desert of a place. She had aged years in the time that she had been here, since the end of her own world had happened before her eyes. She didn't know if she would ever get an Alex she recognized back. Even when she looked in the mirror she saw someone she didn't know. She would try to fix her hair, but all she could do was twist it up into a knot unless she wanted it to look like a hag's strings hanging from her head like she had never been washed or groomed in her life. Her eyes were always sunken and dead, and she couldn't make a smile look genuine anymore. Nor could she produce tears. She was literally unfeeling, lost in a sea of nothingness and routine.
She finished the last sip of her coffee and went to set the mug in the sink, rinsing it out with some hot water before she went to change for the day. Her closet was full of colorful options that also were practical; light and airy to handle the heat while also being fully covering so that the dust as it blew up would not get in everything. She walked along the edge of the dunes, feeling the sand beneath her toes like she liked to do now. It was one of the things that reminded her she was still alive.
She wrapped herself in pink and purple floral patterns, squinting her eyes as she made her way out and into the dunes beyond her home, the one she had chosen based on its proximity to the vastness of the undeveloped nature of the desert. It was as if she was finding little ways to defy things, going as far out as she could without getting lost or angering the angels that allowed her this reprieve from being locked in a white room.
She sat down on one of the smaller dunes and relaxed, focusing on letting go of every muscle one at a time, starting with each toe. She released the tension she held every day as guilt of what she had done and pain of what she had lost; that which she couldn't seem to show in any way. She had not seen a single soul, angel or otherwise, since she watched Carlie and the others walk away from her, and she didn't know when she would.
"The style becomes you." The voice was so familiar, and Alex's heart was so desperate, she didn't know if she cared who it belonged to at that point.
"Oryx," she said, looking at him as the dust blew between them. She could almost feel the hint of a smile coming to her face.
Seeing someone she knew was enough to make her heart begin beating again just a little. Though, the dust seemed to have coated it and formed a crust around it.
"Yes, it's me, and I can't say that I am not a little thrilled to see that you might actually be happy to see me."
Alex scoffed at him and shook her head. At least he was always good for entertainment if nothing else. "So, why are you here? I mean, no one's died here, right?" Alex felt a moment of panic, worrying for her friends she hadn't even thought to look for, since they didn't want anything to do with her.
"Calm down, your friends, if that's what you can call them right now, are alright. But you don't seem to be. And I have never been one to follow the rules, as you know by now."
Alex looked down, not liking that her features gave so much away about what she had been going through. "Do you regret it?" he asked suddenly, and she didn't know if she should answer him, but who else was there to hear her?
"I am feeling a bit numb. I have been that way for a while, but yes, I do," she admitted, sucking in a breath and hoping that the Revenant couldn't hear her right about now.
"Then, let's make your choice worth it together," he said, and she gave him a strange look. She didn't know what he meant, and she never was good at figuring out what he wanted. He was such a mystery, and maybe that was what infuriated her the most. She had always seen Emuriel and Amon as open books to her for the most part. Oryx always kept something up his sleeve. Not that he ever wore any.
"Why we even help me with anything, especially now?" Alexandra asked him, wanting a plain and simple answer for once; knowing that with him she would never get one. That was just his way.
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