Dear Dawn

by Aileen Wuornos

  Man. . . . . I remember it well. Close to a white out, but we kept going . . .

  And with finally reaching Toledo, she parked were we thought was best, as the hardest moment of all came. Saying goodbye. Not only to her! But to Michigan and all the rest.

  Stationed on the side of the freeway now we seemed to stare at each other as if to get our last pictorial in memory, then began to hug and could’nt stop!. Boy I was gonna miss her along with everybody else. While the tears fell to freezing it seemed.

  But before I’d step out for good and be gone on a long Journey of some 1200 miles or so to Florida, she wanted me to receive one last gift before I did.

  80 Bucks.

  I was hesitant. Man she’d done so much for me already!.... I finally gave in and excepted it . . . Man. She was primo people. That’s all there was to it . . .

  As I placed my suitcase in the snow near my feet and pursued to thumb . . . Full of anxiety now to greet what lied ahead. Yet not fully knowing that with the good came likewise The Bad and the Ugly.

  To Be Continued

  Love

  Aileen

  8-26-99

  Court t.V.

  Dear Dawn,

  Well court T.V. was here. And let me tell ya, I still didn’t come across on stuff the way I was hopin I would. And man did I look whipped to.

  Now don’t get me wrong, she was OK. It was the filming I didn’t like. As usual I was’nt able to stress those imperatives the way I like to stress out.... All Court t.V. did then was get my ass on film for a days for them to roll and make some bacon off of. So I feel there was and hour and a half of Zip accomplished ...

  One thing I surely do know though is how Jesus felt when he tried to tell the truth to all the idiots. Man. Its like havin a conversation to a, stone cold brick wall. / And thats that. So I quit. No more interviews for a good, good while . . .

  If you keep wonderin if she asked any thing about you and I . . . Court T.V. The only question was. Is it true you write to one another everyday . . . I said. Yeah everyday!. Chuckle. Chuckle. Ha. Ha. Ha. Other questions I would’nt answer. were on my liveing in the woods. Being on the road. Any of ty and I’s living together ... such other info is strictly left to you 3. Only.

  . . . I’m gonna take a nap. I’m pooped from yesterday’s Jazz. Catch ya on the rebound, sis.

  Until then.

  Don’t forget your BBQD/ Ribs.

  Emmmmmm.

  Love

  Aileen . . .

  Diary of USA

  F/

  Florida’s 1st

  8-30-99

  . . . I mean, Man., there I was standing on this huge freeway, hitchhiken off to the side of it, trying to catch a ride for the 1st time in my life, and I didnt even know if it was legal!. But legal or not I was gonna do it anyhow! .... I could’nt believe the way no one would bother to pick me up! . . . .

  (Note: Later I’d learn it was just to dangerous to pull over. The road was beginning to ice up).

  So I began to pray, standing there helpless as hell . . . And so be it, no sooner then I did and here came along this huge truck startin to pull aside . . .

  I’d later come to learn they went by various titles., such as: Semi. Tractor Trailer, 18 Wheeler, or just plain . . . Rig., there in front of to greet me was one hell of a huge Man full of long hair and beard . . . As he then helped me up on into the truck.

  . . . I let him know I was on my way to Florida. As he then to me, Georgia. / Atlanta.

  Not knowing much of the 2 states except that they were due south on 75. Well he sensed this only to then whip out this leather bound Atlas (filled with maps of America in a magazine style). to show me the 2. As I thought of this deal to be quiet ingenious.

  . . . I found the Man to also be full of kindness and just plain good!. . . .

  I let him know I was under age, running away from home, but it didnt seem to phase or matter to him one bit!. Only these weigh stations that the truckers called chicken coops. / that we’d come upon now and then. So every time we hit one, up in the sleeper I’d go to, hide . . . then off we’d be on down the road relieved . . .

  He was . . . A real Man and one heck of a gentlemen ... he’d sleep in the seat so I could have the sleeper!.... I thanked God and him over and over again . . . for his big ol’ bear full of Love and protective company. And that was his, CB Handle. Bear.

  . . . we were closing in to his destination., Atlanta . . .

  Once Breakfast was over . . . it seemed we could’nt stop wishin each other a lifetime of good luck and happiness., when suddenly his gracious soul wanted to leave me with his atlas. / for the Road. Leather an all!. Whoa. . . . I didnt know what to say . . . So in my suitcase it went....

  But that was’nt all., he still wanted me to have a 100 bucks too!. again hesitant., letting him know I already had 80!. But he insisted . . .

  Upon reaching the final destination . . . Knowing this perticuliar run we’d never forget. Exspecially being my 1st outta the Big Mitt.

  . . . Boy was I gonna miss this guy . . .

  Take Care Bear!.

  You were so cool.

  And hope your still doin good.

  To Be Continued.

  Love

  Aileen

  [9-5-99]

  Diary of USA

  in memory of

  Yeat of 72 H/

  Turning Sixteen

  The next day was hard leaving. Having come all this way on down to see the Ocean here in Florida and possibly stick around and start a new life there., only to be forced to split just as quick. With the cops causing forever in me now a wonder of fear as to who they really are. Along with a long lasting fright of any city from then on to cruise through. Never staying in one long, (or) for that matter, live in one. Keeping my liveing at all times to Country settings and small townships the remainder of my life. So there I stood with Bandana wrapped around my head, spec’s on. Cig lit / and my thumb out by a Toll Booth located on Florida’s Turnpike . . .

  It took 3 days when I finally reached California., but still would’nt get a chance to see the Ocean. Stopping long enough only to grab some Birth Control Pills for free. While I’d abstain from sex to see if I was pregnant (or) not. Keeping my fingers crossed while I looked for signs if I was, when none came. Sticken to the pills from then on freely given by clinics just about everywhere one looked.

  And while I was out there and the money ran out I’d come to learn how to hussel across the highways traveled to make ends meet. But leave it to an old trick for survival, I’d wind up., Raped / Innumerable Times / . . . while running into various ones that just could’nt be “Man enough” to pay. With them wantin it for free and doing whatever It’d take to get it.

  Married or not!

  . . . I used psychological means for defense in keeping as best I could from a whole lotta harm (or) even death. Be it from these “Sexually defunct Animals”, dressed in flesh “As Men” yet airing the mind of a child with absolutely “No Manhood” to their souls . . .

  One crazy incident after another to face, being stuck 24-7 out there those 4 years. Around the clock with no where to call home.

  Ō I tried gettin off!

  But same ol’ thing I’d face every time I tried, “Sexual Harrassment.” They wanted me a complete sexual tool in order to gain any type of concrete assistance, it seemed. Otherwise!. It was forget it! . . . .

  It was a mess indeed . . .

  Such as for instance. The guy with a Mill in “Counterfeit” . . .

  Now I was still 16, and . . . this guy picks me up outside of Arkansa.

  . . . being a long trip in itself of near 3 days before reaching his destination L.A., he decided to share a little secret with me . . . in opening his trunk produced a briefcase full of 100s/ stacked in 1000 packs.

  Counterfeit as hell.

  I could’nt believe my eyes!....

  He was showin me a hell of a good time too as we took off the main road to L.A. just to sight see here and there . .
.

  (For the record there was no sex between us).

  He was useing counterfeit with everything!. Even when he called a friend over from L.A. with some smack (Heroin) of which I would’nt touch / to scarred/ . . .

  And so all the following day with her now gone and him full of heroin drove the needle in and sucked on the booze with me getting real sick of the scene and wantin to split ... With him next whipping out a pistol in my face commanding me to stay put or he’d kill me . . .

  When he [fell asleep] . . . Boy did I start runnin then!. . . .

  He never did catch up with me, as I booked on out to Vegas . . .

  Ten to one he probably thought I went to the Cops!. Ha Ha. But nope!. I could’nt! I was just a kid on the run!....

  On the way out . . . I was able to see that ol’ . . . Hollywood Sign.

  Its huge!.

  ... with each letter at least if not more as big as a billboard.

  As for the Ocean, seeing any of it!?.

  . . . still didnt get a good peak at the big blue. It was night. Never havin seen it during the day.

  But that was all of California then I’d ever see . . . I found the state unattractive and fully polluted ...

  To Be Continued,

  Love Aileen . . .

  [9-28-99]

  Diary of U.S.A. In Memory of....,

  Snow blizz .38

  Year of 72

  Still 16

  i/

  . . . So let me get back with you on incidences I faced . . . Then you’ll see what I mean about, psychological and physical defense.

  So there I was in the snow Again ... a Peter built pulled over and I climbed in . . .

  As it kept gettin quite terrible outside . . . he was forced to pull over . . .once we were settled to ride out this storm as such was surprisingly propositioned for a., free be., as we did.

  Well., I laughed and explained that, that just could’nt happen as homeless as I was, and in some royal need of some bucks., so that if he was willing to pay then maybe we could surely work somethin out. But if not., then sorry but forget it . . . he then . . . Sayin . . . for me to either get up in the sleeper for free or get out.

  Again ... I laughed . . .

  Thats when he whipped out this .38 tellin me either get in the sleeper or get out . . . Now!

  /or get out?/ I sat there stunned, and was amazed he still gave me an Option with a gun., being pissed to that another pistols been put in my face Again. / Wishin I had one of my own now to whip back at. 16 or not!. I was gettin fed up with it and began to get out. But when I started out thats when his whole attitude changed like a bolt of lightening. Suddenly askin me not to leave / packin the pistol away.

  (at the time none of these weapons I knew as types. This would later on be taught to me)

  Sqawkin: your a fool!. You’ll freeze in seconds as soon as you step out there!.

  I laughed., then on a serious note mighty pissed said. I really dont give a dam Man!. One thing I know is I dont put out for anyone unless they pay!. And even if you did the way you acted on me . . . no dice ... Its pay (or) FORGET it!. Bottom line., Man.

  . . . he started sympathizing and apologizing on the threats he put me through. Next taking out his wallet to let me know he’d run outta bread and needed to wire for more . . . And that lastly he was just horny as hell . . .

  After listening to it all., I excepted his apology as I’d eventually Wind up giving him some anyhow!. Using the. . . . , “Psychological Method” on him. With to many miles up ahead still before I could get outta this storm and away from him . . .

  Yet I’d run into others that would’nt work out. (or) would come close to a situation that would fall all apart . . . Let me tell ya about the time I was hitchhiken outta Lexington Kentucky.

  ... I was dressed to the hilt for such weather. Puttin on plenty of socks, thermals, boots, scarfs, Cap, gloves, besides the nice thick coat I wore . . . It was still to cold . . .

  Yet because of all I wore it was hard for me to cop a ride . . . Well they’d say they could’nt tell if I was a Boy or Girl standin there . . . Well I fixed that little number later on when I could get a hold of some card board and marker. Postin then acrost it Girl or the State I was cruisin to while I thumbed. And it worked out well to . . .

  And as the cars kept creepin by because of the slick of the road, some honked at me . . . I could see way on the emergency lane through the flurries flyin around., the back of Semis tail lights ... I then headed over to see if the ride was for me.

  When I reached his truck, I must of looked as though I had shovels of snow thrown on me standin there thumbin for so long ... And surely had the weather been different I would of refused this ride., because of his size. He was tōōōō big! At least 310. 340. it seemed. I mean HUGE!. So much so, for 16, it scared the shit outta me!. But I was already in the truck . . .

  Reaching his final destination I was then asked if I’d like to stay over as we started rollin into the outskirts of this City ... it wouldve been nice but kindly thanked him and preferred to be on my way . . .

  While he started on a sexual track with me that caused me to feel there was double trouble comin . . . I noticed him grab something from the door . . . A .357 Magnum. Glarin at me full of hate with it inches from my head ... Sayin: Bitch I’m gonna get some of that pussy tonight!.

  . . . I could see the bullets gleeming in the chamber . . . havin had just about enough of guns bein thrown in my face. Blew and yellin away said.

  Go ahead you Mother fucker!. Go ahead and shoot me you son of a bitch!. Shoot me – fucker!. I aint got nobody! No family!. No home!. Nothin Mother fucker!. So go ahead., Man., Shoot me Son of a bitch!. Go ahead an shoooot Meeeee Godddaammmittttt!.

  His mouth was left hangin as he held that gun to my head. Then he lowered it.... Awestruck!. And said as he put his weapon back into the holster that was fastened to the drivers door.

  Girl!. You’ve got Brass!. Brass Balls!. Man I aint NEVER!. How old did you say you are!?. Goddaaammn!. Now thats Brass!. As he just kept repeatin it over and over, as I started getting outta the truck. Pissed . . .

  I yanked my bag free . . . then grabbed a piece of paper I had outta my bag, and a pen, then walked on over to the front of the truck to copy his plate down . . . with him just screamin away how crazy my ass was., and me liftin up the piece of paper I now folded up real small and wavin it in his face., said. I hope this is your ticket to hell. I’m headin to that phone booth and call the Cops!.... As he started to leave callin me every thing in the book as I called him the same right on back. As you could hear all his gears just a grindin away as he hauled ass out.

  . . . I then walked over to the booth to take cover of a crisp breeze blowin as I sat on the floor of it and pondered on what to next to do, havin hardly a car go by . . . To Be Continued

  10-11-99

  Dear Dawn,

  . . . here’s J. OK. . . . I finally wrote Alexander. To much bull so its time to have the govenor contacted for an investigation. As we both – he’s the Man that can do!. No doubt. And so I’ve asked him to re-enter in everything again. Okee doke . . .

  Until next time then

  Love

  Aileen

  [10-11-99]

  Diary of U.S.A. in memory of. . . . ,

  Wyoming ripp off

  Atlanta slap in the face.

  Year of 72

  Still 16

  J/

  Many incidences followed., come what may., one right after another., as it is in memory of.... Such as.

  The trucker who picked me up outta Wyoming that ripped off all my shit when he stopped to refuel at a truck stop and I jumped out to use the bathroom. Stealing away everything I owned in that ol’ suitcase. Loosing even Bears Atlas. While he left me flat with just the cloths on my back.

  Now you wanna talk about cold!.... some waitress’s there would put me up for a few days and help me with a new set of duds . . .

  And mustnt forget the time I was outside of G
eorgia . . . this car pulled over for me, havin the driver . . . Next only to “Back hand” me square in the face as hard as he could., just as soon as I opened the door . . . he then split just as quick . . .

  What a nut!....

  Yet I could pretty much knead away the pain and sufferings of fights I’d be forced to defend myself in.

  Sometimes Winning

  Sometimes Loosing

  But the RAPES were the most difficult to handle. NEVER to get over one., driving me burning mad in rage . . . Enduring so many from 16 to 34. As most occurred on the road., finally to wind up in the Kegs., they powdered., 18 years later., with a gun . . .

  And I probably said it before, but will say it again. I always tried gettin off the road . . . but to no avial., when 99% of everybody I ran into out there were men. And with only one thing in mind when it came to me. That was to use, Abuse, then throw out . . .

  It was Winter still being 3 weeks into my 16th Birthday . . . as another Semi picked me up . . . I was so froze. With a fear that always crawled up my viens of getting frost bit. Leaving my feet and hands to bear tid bit scars, visible today., with these tiny spots full of purple and grey indicating I had some close calls ...

  And although the truck was extremely clean and the driver seemingly likewise, his person was full of debauch to the hilt, Incognito. Continually telling me not to touch anything in his cab. “Strange.” And that if I wanted to keep of riden with him then I’d have to hide up in the sleeper to do so . . .

  I thought he was full of bull, until he pointed to a . . . sticker fastened, that read, no riders.

  . . . havin fallin asleep along the cruise, when all of a sudden I was jolted up by him entering the sleeper jabbin a knife to my throat as another assualt was on the verge to begin.

  It was instant reflex of course to defend myself. So we fought . . . you should of seen that huge truck!. It was weaveing back and fourth all over the place . . . Which had me wonderin why no-body was comin around (or) being concerned . . . Here he had pulled his truck . . . way off to the very end of the exit ramp . . .