Straight Outta Fangton

by C. T. Phipps

  I pulled out my kukri and stabbed Renaud a dozen times in the chest, trying to strike out at the figure that had killed my best friend and was now striking at my creator. It didn't give me a sense of actually harming him, though.

  Until Melissa looked right at me. “The Tooth of Azazel. Use it.”

  I stared down at the evil weapon buried in Thoth. It radiated an evil unnatural energy that defied the supernatural stillness all around me. I hadn't believed much in God while alive, and while I did while dead, I didn't really feel like relying on him. I did, however, think using that weapon would be against his will.

  Too bad.

  Pulling out the Tooth of Azazel and ripping it from Renaud's grip, I saw time return to normal a second before the blow connected. Renaud's eyes widened right before he tried to move out of the way. His movement was slowed though by the bone knife in his chest and his head went flying off his shoulders.

  Renaud's body fell on its knees, then turned to ashes.

  He was dead at last.

  “There can be only one,” I muttered.

  Melissa, Fatima, and Ashura stared at me.

  Falling to one knee, I felt the power of Renaud continue to course through my veins. A red mist moved from Renaud's ashes up into my chest, then in and out of my veins. I felt it changing my blood in ways both surreal and unthinkable. I could feel myself becoming more powerful by the second as I saw flashes from the lives of the hundreds of vampires Renaud had destroyed over the past seven centuries.

  A nun in Medieval Bologna who was desperate to pray away the sins she'd committed both upon her fellow sisters and against the animals of the forest.

  An arrogant Victorian aristocrat who considered humans cattle and routinely killed his servants before replacing them with other poor desperate souls.

  A Syrian conqueror and warlord who had laid waste to thousands of souls on the battlefield during his mortal life only to kill even more behind the scenes upon his immortality.

  A veterinarian who never harmed any man, woman, or child in her entire immortal life of six hundred years.

  Oscar Wilde.

  Wait, Oscar Wilde?

  God damn you, Renaud!

  Thoth lay on the ground, not moving. He was bleeding badly from the wound in his stomach. You could tell how bad a wound it was because, as I mentioned before, vampires don't bleed. The Tooth of Azazel had caused him to become a virtual oil strike of vampire blood, though, and it wasn't healing. If the wound itself didn't kill him, I was sure one of the ravenous angry Old Ones around me would finish him off.

  Thoth reached up to me with his trembling hand. “You did it, Peter. You did it. Now I die at—”

  I slapped him. “Stay with me, Thoth! I am not letting this turn into a touching tragic scene! You will stay with me or I will go to Hell and beat your jewelry-store-running ass!”

  Thoth actually laughed at that, despite the pain.

  Melissa put her hand on my shoulder. “Peter—”

  “Let me do this!” I shouted, trying to figure out something to do to save my creator. I had an idea. It wasn't a good idea, but it sounded like it might work in theory. At least if I did it quickly enough.

  The daughter of Violette Szabo who helped her undead mother slaughter Nazis wherever they could.

  A Spanish exorcist who wandered around the world casting out demons while feeding on the blood of the Eucharist, made real by the strength of his faith.

  A pair of transsexuals who'd fought to protect their people from those who would slaughter them.

  “Bite me,” I said, looking down at Thoth.

  “Excuse me?” Thoth said.

  “Do it!” I said, feeling the transformation's final stage beginning. “Before it's too late.”

  “But if I can't stop, I'll—”

  “Do it!” I shouted again.

  Thoth pushed forward and grabbed me before sinking his fangs into my neck. I won't talk about how it felt, as it was awkward enough with my being heterosexual, Thoth being my father figure, and my trying to save his life by risking my own. Thoth grabbed me by the shoulders and I felt some of the enhanced blood flow from my blood into his body as the power transferring to me started transferring to him as well.

  That was when I passed out.

  If I was going out like this, well, it was worth it.

  Epilogue

  I woke up in a closed coffin. Huh, that was new. Contrary to popular media depictions, vampires didn't sleep in coffins unless they were trying to be too hip for their own good. I mean, yeah, they had a snug comfort to them and great back support, but that wasn't enough to justify sleeping in them. I was also wearing a brand new suit, which was something I'd missed even though it added to the “Am I attending my own funeral?” feel.

  Pushing open the top part of the coffin lid, I was pleased to note I hadn't been buried alive. That had happened to me once as a kind of undead fraternity prank, and I wasn't anxious to repeat the experience. I was in a pleasant little marble-floored room. It was empty but for a giant pentagram surrounding my coffin along with a set of candles made of animal fat on metal stands. I recognized it as a spell designed to help vampires transitioning to Old One status compartmentalize all of their newfound power. I wondered why they'd stored me in it. Probably they'd just run out of space with all the other recovering vampires.

  Fluorescent lights were on above my head, and I was feeling surprisingly rejuvenated. Better than rejuvenated, in fact. Hell, I would dare say I felt awesome, and that was a rare feeling when you were undead. Then I remembered David was dead. Still, Renaud was dead and that made it better. Somewhat. A little. Maybe if I kept telling myself that. Pretending I wasn't hurting, I decided to try something. Pushing the rest of the coffin lid off, I lay back down in the coffin.

  “Children of the night, what music they make. Fear not, your master arises!” I stretched out my arms straight and tried to levitate myself up without bending my back. I managed to do it, only to slip back down and fall in the coffin as soon as I finished.

  Dammit, almost had it. Interestingly, I noticed my body was lighter before and levitating was much easier. Closing my eyes, I lifted myself up in the air and found myself smacking against the ceiling very quickly. I then concentrated on going to the right and ended up smacking myself against the wall beside the door. I did a couple of back rolls and barrel flips in the air before initially shouting. “Holy crap, I'm flying!”

  Not levitation.

  Not floating.

  Real, actual, honest-to-Devil flight!

  The door to the room opened up and I stopped concentrating on my flight to look. I immediately smacked against the ground, landing with a thud. OK, that was another thing I needed to be wary of. Flying required a lot more concentration than floating. It was Thoth again, wearing a pair of blue jeans and a white cotton button-down shirt. It was his working attire, and I could smell the incense, Saint John's wort, blood, and chemicals, which were signs he'd been hard at spell-work.

  “Hey Gandalf,” I said, smiling. “Glad to see you're still alive.”

  “The same in return,” Thoth said, smiling. “You realize we usually practice flying outdoors, correct?”

  “Oh, hush you,” I said, sounding like my mother. “What's going on? Did I get a portion of Renaud's powers?”

  Thoth nodded. “More than a portion, I'd say. You saved my life back there, and I gained a bit of Renaud's strength myself from you.”

  I tried not to remember the feelings I'd had as he'd bit me. “Yeah, let's never speak of that again. Except, well, how much?”

  “I dare say my power has doubled.”

  “Useful for your honeymoon.”

  “Victoria is incensed about her arm and probably the fact our marriage contract is going to have to be renegotiated since we're approximate equals now. Still, she's enjoying the fact she's a hero for killing the infamous Renaud.”

  “Fatimah didn't get credit?” I asked.

  “She's only a hundred and fift
y years old, so she's been regulated to a minor supporting player in the drama, magistrate or not.”

  I grinned. “I bet she loved that.”

  “It teaches the valuable life lesson of ‘If you want respect, make sure it's from people whom you actually should give a crap about the opinion of’—which the Ancients are manifestly not.” On the plus side, she’s been given a new mission to destroy the Tooth of Azazel.”

  “She should dump the sword into a volcano.”

  “My suggestion.”

  I paused, thinking about how I felt. “Have I gotten stronger?”

  “You could say that.”

  “How much stronger?” I asked, not at all eager.

  “Stronger than me,” Thoth said, walking over and offering me a hand.

  “So I'm an Old One now? Immortal and shit?”

  “Not in the slightest,” Thoth said. “You have the potential for a much stronger vampire's abilities, but none of the training that would allow you to master them all. Plus, you're still not immortal to regular humans and accidents. That, it seems, only comes with age.”

  I took his hand and stood up. “Well, that's a bummer.”

  “Yes, you're just totally being cheated here,” Thoth said, playfully sarcastic. “I do think you're not going to have to worry about the G-word anymore, though.”

  “God?” I said, without irony. “Ha! Jesus! Michael Jordan! Santa! Odin!”

  “Stop that, please,” Thoth said.

  “The Prophets of Bajor! Eru! Aslan! Link the Hero of Time! Mario!”

  “I think you're stretching the Chosen One metaphor.”

  “Anakin Skywalker was a virgin birth. He counts.”

  “Those movies don't count and you know it,” Thoth said. “Either way, you've done a great service, and we were even able to finish what the meeting was all about. The Vampire Nation is now owner of the majority of North Dakota's oil fields.”

  “There's oil in North Dakota?” I asked. “How much?”

  “A great deal,” Thoth said. “You have no idea how difficult it was to cover it up for as long as we have. It won't fix all of our bankruptcy issues, and there are a lot of dead bodies thanks to it, but both the United States as well as its undead residents may get through this financial crisis intact now.”

  I looked at him. “Thoth, don't take this the wrong way, but I could not give less of a shit about how much money you guys make.”

  Thoth gave a half-smile. “I understand.”

  I kept my gaze even. “How many died?”

  “On our side? Seven vampires total. Four Old Ones and three Ancients. A catastrophic loss by all accounts, but it could have been much worse. The Vampire Nation owes you a debt of gratitude and the Council, for all its faults, never forgets its debts.”

  “How many humans?” I asked, not reacting in the slightest.

  Thoth paused. “Fifty-seven. We don’t know how many renegade Network soldiers came to fight Elisha’s group, but I’m guessing they lost around ten or twelve. I think out of a group of twenty.”

  “What's being done for them?” I asked.

  “Terrorists are being blamed for the attack with a few dozen bodies of their membership being transported here so it looks like an attack on the godless demons that America is protecting. It'll be national news alongside the Human Rights League bombing for probably the next week until someone famous adopts a baby or another celebrity decides to transition to being a vampire.”

  “I meant to honor their sacrifice.”

  Thoth closed his eyes. “I will provide their families with enough money to never want for security again.”

  “So, nothing that wasn't you.”

  “No.”

  “Figures.” I didn't know why I'd expected anything different. “What about survivors on Renaud's side?”

  “After Renaud died, the remainder surrendered. That was their mistake, as they've been sent to spend the rest of their lives as meals for the Ancients as punishment. Only Melissa and Elisha will be spared.”

  The latter part surprised me. “Why Elisha?”

  “Her father is a very prominent vampire in Washington, D.C., and we require his assistance. He's asked for clemency and she's to spend the next ten years in a box. Ashura traded her to him for help in covering all this up. Also, to negotiate for Kali's Network not to be slaughtered to the man.”

  “That was nice of her,” I said, trying to think of how horrible it was for Elisha to be returned to the man she despised most in the world. I considered rescuing her from him, but I didn't know if I could because if she did escape him, I'd have to kill her. She didn't deserve a pardon for what she'd done, even if she didn't deserve what the Vampire Nation had in store for her.

  “Ashura believes you can catch more flies with honey and wants the Network to help populate Milwaukee, Chicago, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and Saint Louis with supernaturals. There's a power vacuum there she wants to fill.”

  “And Melissa?”

  “She's been given a full pardon for her crimes, although I don't think the Council of Ancients has any idea of the real extent of her actions with Renaud. I'm all right with keeping it that way. Because of her experience with the religious right and her somewhat clean-cut inoffensive image, I've also suggested she form a Human-Vampire Friendship League with herself at the head.”

  “Even though we're incredibly non-friendly.”

  Thoth smiled. “She's asked about you.”

  I gave a half-smile. “You think a princess and a guy like me—”

  “I predict six months of passionate sex and ardor followed by arguing and a regret-filled breakup.”

  “Ah.”

  “But those will be a glorious six months.”

  I smiled. “I'll give it a shot then.”

  I thought about Melissa and tried to reach out to contact her. Much to my surprise, it was very easy. I could sense everyone outside of the room for about half a mile. It required a bit of sorting, but it meant Thoth hadn't been lying about me being much stronger. I had a real ‘Professor Xavier and Cerebro thing’ going on as I searched out Melissa through our still-intact bond.

  In the end, I found her awake and looking over documents in a nearby conference room. We were still underground in the airport bunker, but the majority of the place was covered in police tape as the police were fed a heaping pack of lies by the undead. I could feel Melissa's disgust at the proceedings even as she was also feeling an immense amount of relief at Renaud's death.

  Uhm, hey, I said to her mentally.

  Oh, Peter, thank God you're alive.

  You doubted it?

  A little bit. They took your body away immediately after you fell unconscious. I was wondering if they were experimenting on you or something. Praise Jes—er, I mean, Praise the J-man.

  No, it's okay, I'm apparently immune now.

  Oh, that's good.

  I don't know if I'll be attending Sunday church with Grandmother Stone, but it's about the only benefit of this.

  Yeah, Melissa said back to me. I was such a fool to fall for Renaud's tricks.

  I think you literally didn't have a choice.

  I had a choice in the beginning, Melissa said. I can tell the difference between having my mind bent and just attraction.

  Then you have no taste in men.

  Melissa laughed. OK, that was funny. Did you hear about the job offering?

  Yeah, congratulations.

  I'm not sure if I'm going to take it.

  I wasn't sure that was actually the sort of job you could refuse. In fact, I was pretty sure the Vampire Nation didn't actually offer much in the way of choice regarding what you did for them. I think you'd do an amazing job, personally. Besides, it'd be nice to have someone advocating for peace between the sides wanting to kill each other.

  You really think vampires and humans can have peace?

  I don't think vampires or humans can have peace with each other, but I think it's worth trying for. It's what every cartoon I watched
growing up said was unrealistically easy and just required a big sing-along to achieve.

  Uh … huh.

  It could happen, I said. I think you should do it, though.

  Maybe, Melissa said, all but confirming she was going to. I could sense it from her. I want to go visit my brother first and tell him what I am.

  How do you think he'll react?

  A mixture of sympathy and perverse smugness, probably.

  So, properly.

  Yeah. Melissa paused. Thank you for helping me get through this, Stone. I don't think I could have done it without you.

  Obviously, because my boss wanted to stake you and leave you out on the roof to burn up.

  I could feel Melissa's shock. I see.

  Say, when you get back, you want to—

  Yeah, yeah, I would.

  I smiled. See ya then.

  “Are you done?” Thoth asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I think we have a shot. I'm going to try to beat that six months.”

  “Vampires aren't made for eternal devotion, but I wish you luck trying,” Thoth said.

  “I'll settle for a steady date on Friday nights,” I said. “Is there anything else?”

  “Quite a bit,” Thoth said. “First of all, Eaton's death has left us without a bellidix. We need someone to help keep the peace in the city that isn’t as corrupt or stupid as the bogatyrs Eaton used.”

  I paused. “Wait a second, you don't mean?”

  “Yes, I do. You have been appointed the new law in town. I'm afraid you're now part of the Man.”

  I wasn't sure how I felt about that. “Well, at least I can quit my job at the Quick and Shop.”

  Thoth grimaced. “I should probably mention the job doesn't come with a salary.”

  “Are you serious?” I snapped.

  “I'm sorry,” Thoth said. “We'll see your employer compensated so you can take the time off necessary to do your job.”

  “I hate you. This is all a sick and twisted game, isn't it?”

  Thoth smiled. “That which does not kill us—”

  “Can go screw itself!”

  Thoth pulled out his cellphone and sent a text. “I think this will make the experience much more bearable.”

  “How do you figure?” I said, too disgusted to look at him now. I couldn't turn down the job any more than Melissa could.