The Green Beans, Volume 2: The Strange Genius of Lefty O'Houlihan
Page 9
Chapter Nine
Pure Gumption
Jasper was, as Coach had often described him, more of a bear than a man. Standing at a height of six and a half feet, he towered over his fellow adults. As far as how children viewed him, he was something of a mountain.
With thick arms, broad shoulders, and a barrel-like chest, he cut an imposing figure. He was a janitor by trade, but it seemed that he could have just as easily chosen a career as an alligator wrestler or a circus strongman.
He wore a khaki shirt, navy blue overalls, and black boots that were polished to an impressive shine. At his waist, there jangled an unusually large ring of keys, of varying sizes and materials.
Jasper’s angular jaw was covered in a stubble of facial hair, and it shifted about as he moved the corncob pipe that was clenched within his teeth. He snarled down at the Beans, and his brow furrowed above his single eye, which was the piercing color of blue-gray quartz.
His other eye had been lost in a prior event of which the details remained murky. In its stead, there was now a black eye patch, held in place by a cord that snugly wrapped around his head of dark hair, sprinkled with strands of silver.
Jasper was as intimidating and surly as ever. The recent, scandalous events, to which he had clearly been tied, had not affected his swagger in the slightest. He despised the Beans, and he made no bones about it.
He was cantankerous, which was a word that Coach had explained to mean quarrelsome, contentious, and particularly irritable. By that definition, Jasper was indeed a cantankerous janitor. He was the very most despicable of his brethren, and a poor ambassador for all those who labored with mop and bucket in hand.
“Why, you rabble-rousing, meddlesome, gumption-filled punks!” Jasper bellowed, shaking his trusty, mahogany broom in one fist as he did so, in order to emphasize his displeasure. “I swear, I’ve never seen such an unruly lot as you.”
“Gumption-filled?” Neil asked the angry janitor, as he towered above, shaking his broom. “Um… what is this ‘gumption’ that you speak of?”
“Yeah, what’s gumption?” Sara asked.
“Gumption!” Jasper bellowed, further shaking his mahogany broom about. “You know… it’s… it means you meddle about in affairs that aren’t your own, interfering and… and being bad children. Very bad children, indeed. Gumption! And you’re all filled to the eyeballs with it. Pure gumption, at that – the very worst kind! Bah! Why am I explaining this to you? Trying to flimflam ol’ Jasper, are you? Well, that’s not going to happen, I can assure you. I’ll be asking the questions here!”
“Shoot, we didn’t even have a chance to ask him what rabble-rousing means,” Maria whispered to her friends.
“Yeah, I’d like to know what that one means, too,” Jack whispered in return, winking at Maria. “Sounds like a good one.”
Jasper fixed his single eye on Jack. “What are you muttering about there, boy?”
“Aw, come on, Jasper,” Jack said. “Why are you giving us such a hard time? It’s the end of the day, we just want to leave.”
“Oh, is that right?” Jasper asked, feigning concern. “You just want to leave, do you? Well, not so fast, my meddlesome lot.”
“Why can’t we go? Do you need our help sweeping the floors?” Neil asked, with genuine puzzlement.
Jasper ignored the questions, and asked one of his own. “What have you got there, boy?” he demanded, pointing a finger at Jack’s backpack.
“Uhhhh… my books. And school supplies,” Jack said slowly, stating what he thought must be rather obvious. “You know… pencils, and notebooks, and such.”
“Is that right? Bah! We’ll just see about that,” Jasper snarled.
And with that odious declaration, the janitor reached down with one massive paw, and swiped away the backpack. Jack tried to resist, but the effort was futile. Jasper was a giant compared to the Beans, outweighing each of them by hundreds of pounds. His hands were like iron, his wrists as thick as birch trees.
“Hey!” Maria shouted. “You can’t do that!”
“Oh? Can’t I? Hah! Seems I can do that… and quite easily, I might add,” Jasper replied, chuckling with malicious mirth. He looked down at the Beans with contempt and confidence. “Who’s gonna stop me? A bunch of snot-nosed punks who think that they’re gumshoes? Need I remind you of just what happened, the last time you put on your detectives’ hats, and you thought you could stop me? Hah! That didn’t turn out so well for the troublesome lot of you, did it? As I recall, it ended up with Jack’s father in jail… and with me free to go about my business.”
The Beans gasped at the audacity of Jasper, which never ceased to amaze them.
“That’s… that’s not very polite,” Jack said quietly.
“Oh, did I offend your feelings, Jackie-boy?” Jasper asked, his one eye narrowing. “But I’m afraid that what happened between your father and I is what we adults call justice.”
“No offense, Mr. Cragglemeister,” Neil said, with the utmost sincerity. “But I think you might have your vocabulary a bit confused.”
Maria sought to find the most hurtful comeback she could hurl at Jasper, and after some consideration, she finally found it. “And… and your floors are filthy!”
“Gah!” Jasper exclaimed. He staggered back at the words, as if he had been physically struck. “How dare you? That’s… that’s simply not true!”
“Oh, but it is,” Sara confirmed. She took a step forward, advancing on the retreating janitor. “Why, it was just this morning that I stumbled across a whole colony of dust bunnies, living beneath the baseboards of our classroom. It was a downright grimy state of affairs.”
“It was plumb sullied, it was,” Neil added helpfully, pointing an index finger in the air.
“No!” Jasper cried. He clutched at his chest, at least as best he could, while his hands were occupied with the broom and backpack. “Oh, but don’t you meddlesome children know how to hurt ol’ Jasper? You know I can’t abide such filth! Curse you!”
“Well, then, go sweep up some dirt,” Neil suggested. “And give Jack his backpack. You know he’s done nothing wrong, despite whatever grudge you might have against us and his dad.”
Fuming, snorting, and snarling, Jasper glowered down at the Beans. They had given him such difficult times in the past, and their continued defiance to his authority rattled him. He was used to getting his own way, especially around children, whom he could usually inspire terror within, by sparing no more than a fearsome glance.
“Return his backpack?” Jasper demanded, filled with incredulity and a shuddering, shaking rage. He slowly regained his posture, and returned to his full height. “Did you just tell me what to do? I don’t think so, half-pint. Bah! I don’t take orders from children. I’ve got to inspect this backpack, you see. I’ve got to inspect it most thoroughly... for contraband.”
Jack exchanged a wary glance with Neil. They suspected that they very well might be dealing with a lunatic. Sara and Maria tried to stifle their giggles. Jasper was really out there.
“Do you miserable punks know what contraband is?” Jasper asked, as he began rummaging about in Jack’s backpack. “It’s illegal stuff that punk kids might try to sneak onto school property. Fireworks, and stuff like that. Normally, I wouldn’t pause to bother one of our fine students at Hollow Oak Elementary with such nonsense. This is a good town, you see. We don’t have to worry about such things, generally speaking. But you, Jackie-boy… you’re a bit different, aren’t you? You’ve got the blood of a criminal in you, flowing through your veins. The blood of a criminal… pumping through your very heart.”