Mourning Song

by Lurlene McDaniel

  “You stubborn, foolish child! Where do you get the audacity to assume what’s best for her? How can you take responsibility for her happiness? For her life? You could have killed her!”

  “Mom, listen to me—Cassie knows.”

  “Knows what?”

  “She knows that she’s dying.” Dani looked at Austin for moral support.

  All the color left her mother’s face. “You told her?”

  “Mrs. Vanoy, Dani didn’t have to tell her,” Austin said. “Cassie just … knows. She told me that she’s suspected it for a long time, but that she hasn’t known how to deal with it. She said that the only reason she hasn’t asked you is that you keep acting as if everything’s going to be okay if she takes the treatments and keeps a positive outlook.”

  Austin stepped closer. “She’s pretty scared, Mrs. Vanoy. Not only about dying but about leaving you and Dani. I think you need to talk to her about her condition—about dying. Not talking about it is tearing her up inside.”

  Dani was surprised by Austin’s words to her mother. Last night, on the beach, after her initial revelation, Cassie hadn’t said anything more to her about her feelings about dying, yet she’d talked to Austin. Dani felt dejected.

  “She didn’t want to say anything more to you about it, Dani.” Austin’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “I think she’s angry because she feels out of control. I told her she needs to talk about it with you and your mother. There’s nothing harder to face than the reality of death. Don’t be upset, Dani. You can only do so much.”

  Dr. Phillips had been standing in the doorway. He walked over to Dani’s mother and gently touched her shoulder.

  “What should I do, Nathan?” Mrs. Vanoy asked, turning toward him. “I don’t know what to do.”

  He gazed down at her tenderly. “I think you and Dani should ask Cassie what she wants to do. You’ve been a united family and faced tragedy before. You need each other, and Cassie needs you. But it’s her life. Talk to Cassie.”

  Seventeen

  DR. PHILLIPS CONTINUED talking to Dani’s mother. Dani turned to Austin and pointed to the beach. She walked in the water where small breaking waves tumbled against the shore. Austin walked with her.

  “I know you’re angry,” he said. “Don’t be. We’re on the same side, remember?”

  Dani was mad. She knew she shouldn’t be taking it out on Austin, but she felt as if she’d done everything possible to be there for Cassie, and had failed. “I had no idea that you’d become Cassie’s confidant,” she said hotly.

  “You’re her sister, and you sacrificed a lot to make this trip with her. She didn’t want to seem like an ingrate, and she knows that once this trip is over, you all have to go on living without her. For Cassie this journey is far more than a vacation, Dani. It’s her last chance to feel normal, young and healthy.”

  She turned and faced him. “I don’t want it to end,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “I don’t want Mom to make us all go home.”

  “Maybe it won’t end yet. Maybe your mother will have a change of heart.”

  “I doubt it.”

  “Dani, however it turns out, you did a fine thing for Cassie. Honestly, I’m glad I was a part of it. No matter how much trouble I’m in at home, I’m not sorry I drove you.” Looking at him made her realize that there were many things about this trip she didn’t want to end. Her feelings for Austin were such a jumble. She wished she could sort them out. She told herself she had no right to her feelings for him when everything else was such a mess.

  “It’s hot out here,” she said suddenly, turning on her heel. “Cassie might be waking up soon. Let’s go back.”

  Without a word, he fell into step alongside of her. Overhead, a cluster of gulls circled, their lonely cries echoing against the sky.

  * * *

  Cassie slept until the early evening. When she awoke, she was in high spirits, obviously feeling better. She hugged her mother and Dr. Phillips. “How did she talk you into coming along?” Cassie asked him.

  “It’s no secret—I’m more involved in your case than I ever intended to be. And you, your sister, and your mother mean a lot to me. Anyway, I had some vacation time coming. Dr. Sanchez is covering for me.”

  “I’m glad you’re here,” Cassie said. “Please help us keep Mom calm and convince her to stay and do something fun and normal.”

  Her mother busied herself folding clothes. For a moment, Mrs. Vanoy ignored the silence in the room as all eyes turned toward her. Finally, she tossed down a T-shirt and asked, “What? What’s everyone staring at?”

  “You heard Cassie. She wants to know if we can do something together,” Dr. Phillips said.

  “Yes. I heard her.” Dani watched her mother walk stiffly over to the bed. “What would you like to do, Cassie?”

  Cassie leaned forward eagerly. “I want to stay here for a few more days.”

  “But, Cassie—”

  “We’re here, aren’t we? We’ll never get this chance again. I want us all to be together. We have money to spend from the One Last Wish check, so that’s not a problem—”

  “About that money,” their mother interrupted. “Tell me again exactly where this gift came from. I don’t understand anything.”

  Cassie explained, with Dani’s help, about the One Last Wish check. Dani handed over the letter that had come with the check. Their mother sat on the side of the bed and read it through. When she was finished, she folded it slowly. “JWC sounds like an extraordinary person. I can’t imagine some stranger doing this. You have no idea who it is?”

  “I’ve been dreaming about JWC. I think,” Cassie whispered, “this person and I are on the same wavelength. I think JWC is a girl, a girl like me who’s been in pain and feels helpless. A girl who knows what doing something special before the end can mean.”

  “What are you trying to tell me?” her mother asked.

  “I mean to say that JWC understands what I feel. The money helped me—us—do something we’d have never attempted otherwise. It was a special gift, and I’m very grateful. And I’m especially grateful to Dani and Austin.”

  Mrs. Vanoy studied Cassie’s face as she spoke. Then she said, “If we stayed”—Dani’s heartbeat quickened—“what would you like to do?”

  “I want to go to Disney World, just like my senior class.”

  Her mother looked dismayed. “But I don’t think you’re strong enough. The crowds—”

  “We can get Cassie a wheelchair for the day, and there’s a medical facility on-site should we need it. There’s no reason we can’t all go for a day,” Dr. Phillips interjected quickly.

  “We already have rooms.” Austin added. “The doc can come in with me and you three can stay together.”

  “What do you say, Mom?” Dani asked.

  Dani watched her mother’s face. It seemed as if she were having a hard time making up her mind. Her mother looked at Dr. Phillips, then at Dani and Cassie. The lines around her mouth softened. “I say, let’s go to Disney World.”

  “All right!” Dani cried, rushing to her mom and throwing her arms around her. Her mother hugged her back and Dani heard her ask, “Am I doing the right thing?”

  From the moment they walked into the Magic Kingdom, Dani understood its name. In the sunlit center of the theme park, Cinderella’s castle rose on lofty spires, fountains splashed jets of dancing water, bushes and hedges were clipped to resemble Disney characters. Snow White, Mickey Mouse, and Donald Duck danced in the streets.

  Dr. Phillips settled Cassie in a wheelchair and tied balloons of every color to it. The wheelchair looked like a royal coach.

  Mrs. Vanoy, Dani, and Austin walked along together, stopping to go on some of the relatively tame-looking rides. Dani and Austin rode on spinning teacups and some of the wild rides. Dani persuaded her mother and Dr. Phillips to go on Thunder Mountain. She, Cassie, and Austin sipped colas in the shade.

  “You can do it, Mom,” Dani insisted as her mother tried to convince eve
ryone she was too old for such a ride.

  “I think my doctor is crazy about our mother,” Cassie told Dani when Austin had gone for french fries. She fiddled with one of the balloon strings with her good hand. “Would it bother you if they were more than friends?”

  At first, Dani wanted to brush off the question. How would she feel? “I guess I’d be happy for Mom. She’s been alone for a long time, but … but it would take some getting used to.”

  Cassie stared absently at the passing tourists. “Do you ever think about Daddy?”

  “I don’t remember him all that well.”

  “When he died, I thought I’d never stop crying. I missed him so much.”

  “I remember the day of his funeral. There were so many flowers. All these people I didn’t even know kept coming up and saying things like, ‘Poor little Dani and Cassie.’ ” Dani wadded up her napkin. “I didn’t know what was going on. I remember feeling scared, though. I was afraid something might also happen to Mom.”

  “Me, too,” Cassie confessed. “I thought that I might have to take care of you! Even though I was only eight, I told myself that I could raise you—be your ‘Mommy.’ ”

  Dani giggled. “What a chore that would have been.”

  “I could have handled it. Why, if I promised to read to you, you’d do anything I asked.” The two of them laughed, then Cassie sighed. “After Daddy died, I used to talk to him at night when I was all alone.”

  “You did?”

  “I really missed him. I hope I’ll see him again.” The wistful tone in Cassie’s voice wasn’t lost on Dani. “It’s not as scary when I think about him waiting for me when I die,” Cassie added.

  Dani shivered. “I don’t like talking about this,” she said. “Here we are in Disney World, where everything’s fun and everybody’s supposed to be happy.”

  “I’m happy,” Cassie told her. “I’m happier than I’ve been in months. And you and JWC made it happen. You’re responsible for a miracle.”

  Dani felt warm inside. At least, she’d have her sister’s words to hold on to. “I wish I could stop time,” she said. “That way, we could stay right here forever.”

  “Forever’s a long time, Dani,” Cassie replied. “Even if you spend it in the Magic Kingdom.”

  Eighteen

  OF ALL THE attractions and rides in Disney World, the Haunted House caught up Dani’s emotions. She sat with Austin, laughing at the fat, funny cartoonish impressions of ghosts that kept materializing out of the darkness throughout the ride. All at once, the car made a swooping revolution and swung them in front of a see-through panel that looked down on a spacious ballroom from a long-ago era.

  On the floor below, beautiful ghostly couples whirled to the music of a haunting waltz played on illusory pianos. The gossamer figures floated serenely across the surface, spinning beneath crystal chandeliers lit by a thousand candles. Around and around they glided, on feet that never touched the floor, to music that never ended.

  She could see the shimmer of the ladies’ ball gowns, the flash of their jewels. She saw the stiffness of the gentlemen’s formal frocks, the gleam of their shoe buckles. She knew that they were phantoms, form without substance, shadow without flesh.

  “It’s all illusion,” Austin whispered. “They’re holograms—you know, three-dimensional laser photographs.”

  The spectacle was unnerving. Her hands gripped the lap bar so tightly that her fingers hurt.

  “Are you all right?” Austin asked as the car emerged from the tunnel of the Haunted House. His blue eyes narrowed, and a furrow creased his brow. “It wasn’t real, Dani. It was only pretend.”

  “I know,” she told him, trying to shake off the specter of the supernatural. “But it all looked so real.” She wanted to tell him that in her imagination, she had seen not only the mystical illusion created by the wizardry of Disney, but the image of her sister and her father somehow entwined among the ghostly beings.

  As they met up with the others, Dr. Phillips and her mother were settling Cassie in the wheelchair. Cassie’s eyes glowed, and she looked happy. “Wasn’t that fabulous?” Cassie asked.

  “Fabulous,” Dani said, trying to regain her emotional equilibrium.

  “Honestly, Dani,” Cassie teased. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

  That night, back in their hotel rooms, they ordered pizza and talked about the fabulous time they’d had at Disney World. “Aren’t you glad we went?” Dani asked her mother.

  “Yes, I am, but please stop treating me like the grinch who stole Christmas. I’m glad we’re all here together.”

  “That’s the spirit,” Dr. Phillips said, finishing his slice of pepperoni. “Now, what should we do tomorrow?”

  “Tomorrow?” Mrs. Vanoy echoed. “I still haven’t recovered from Thunder Mountain.”

  Everyone laughed. Dani eyed her sister, who had become very quiet. “Are you all right?” Dani asked Cassie quietly as she sat at the edge of her bed.

  “I’m exhausted, I guess,” Cassie answered, then closed her eyes and quickly fell asleep.

  Much later, when everyone was asleep, Dani woke with a start. Her mother was still fast asleep. “Cassie? Do you want something? Are you up?”

  Dani eased herself out of bed and felt her way across the room. At the door, she caught hold of her sister. “What are you doing up?”

  “Dani, I can’t see clearly.”

  “It’s just dark,” Dani answered. “Why, I can barely see, either.”

  “Open the curtain, Dani. For me, the room is pitch-black. I think I’m blind.”

  Quickly, Dani pulled the cord that sent the curtain gliding over the track. Outside, the night was lit by a slowly sinking moon. Dani could make out the sand and the patio. “Can you see the patio?”

  “I can’t see anything.” Cassie sounded frightened now.

  “I’ll turn on a light.”

  “No. Don’t wake up Mom,” Cassie insisted. “Please, take me outside.”

  Their mother heard their voices and sat up. “What’s wrong?”

  “Cassie wants to go outside,” Dani answered.

  “It’s only five o’clock, honey. Wait till it’s light,” Mrs. Vanoy said as she walked toward her daughters.

  “She can’t see, Mom.”

  Their mother took Cassie’s face between her hands. “Oh, baby … I’ll get Nathan. Dani, put on the lights.”

  “No … wait,” Cassie pleaded. “Let’s the three of us go outside together.”

  Dani knew that Cassie’s blindness meant that the tumor would shut down Cassie’s vital organs and her capacity to function. She felt sick to her stomach.

  Dani heard her sister’s voice. “Mom, please—can’t just the three of us go down to the water? I want to feel the sun come up. Then, if I have to go to the hospital, we’ll go …”

  Her sentence trailed in the darkness, and all Dani could hear was the sound of her own breathing. “If that’s what you want,” her mother finally answered.

  Dani slid open the door and felt the fresh, salty air. She heard the waves breaking on the shore in the distance. “My legs aren’t working very well,” Cassie said, sounding apologetic. “They’re sort of numb.”

  “Mom and I can make a seat with our hands,” Dani suggested quickly, and grasped her mother’s wrists. Slowly, her mother grasped hers in return, so their hands formed a grid. Cassie eased onto it and wrapped her arms around their shoulders. They carried her to the water, lowered her onto the sand and sat down on either side of her, each holding one of her hands.

  Dani felt the warm water wash over her feet and legs and soak the bottom of her nightshirt. She held her sister’s hand tightly, afraid to let go. afraid that Cassie might wash out to sea, even though she knew that was impossible.

  “I love the sea,” Cassie said. “It sounds so wonderful.”

  “There is something comforting about it,” Dani heard her mother say. She was surprised that her mom sounded so calm. “I’m glad you got to visit
it. You wanted to so much.”

  “Then you aren’t mad at us? At Dani for bringing me?”

  “I was furious. Mostly scared that something would happen to you and I wouldn’t be with you. But I’m all right now.”

  “Were you afraid I’d die?” Cassie asked. Dani heard her mother suck in her breath. “You should have leveled with me after the seizure,” her sister went on. “I was so scared, I think what I imagined was worse than the truth.”

  “The truth?” Dani asked.

  “That I was dying. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

  “I wanted you to have every chance, every hope possible,” their mother explained.

  “I want to know what’s going to happen to me, I need to talk about everything,” Cassie continued.

  “You have some choices about whether or not to go on life-support machines,” Dani said before her mother could stop her.

  “No machines,” Cassie said. “Let me die when my body says it’s had enough.”

  “If you don’t want the machines, you won’t be put on them,” her mother said in a voice that seemed controlled. “But the doctors can give you pain medication.”

  “That’s good,” Cassie agreed. “I don’t want to hurt.”

  “We’ll be by your side the whole time. We’ll always be with you.”

  Cassie squeezed their hands. “I never thought you wouldn’t be.”

  Dani struggled against cold, stark terror of what was to come as pink filled the horizon and the water lapped at her legs. Sandpipers, scurrying back and forth along the shoreline, seemed in such a hurry, but appeared to have no place to go.

  “Is there anything you want us to do for you?” her mother asked.