by Ash, Nikki
“The baby will sleep next to me anyway for the first few months so I can feed her.”
“But you’ll be pumping so I can help.” I went over the pros and cons of breastfeeding and came to the decision I would try to breastfeed and pump. I want to get back into working out and training after she comes as well as having to return to school, so pumping seemed like a good compromise.
“I know, but I want to be close to her. Can we please just take it one step at a time? Once she gets bigger, if we need to, we can move into a bigger place.”
“All right.”
“I’m really tired. I’m going to go to bed. You should go meet Mason.”
“All right… Maybe I will. I kind of hope he decides to move out here. I’ve enjoyed hanging out with him.”
“Good. Go. Goodnight,” I say. “Have fun!”
“Night, Bella,” Tristan says as he walks out the door.
I lie down in my comfy bed, and not even ten seconds later, I’m out.
Chapter Sixteen
Marco
“Thank you for picking me up. Since I didn’t drive here, I would have had to take a cab home, and I have no money on me.” I give my dad a hug and we walk out of Sunny Creek rehabilitation center, a place I don’t plan to ever need to return to.
“Of course I’m here. You think I would let you get out of this place and not be here?”
I throw the luggage—filled with some clothes and stuff I’ve accumulated during my three months here—into the back of my car.
“Thanks for letting me take your car, your mom needed to use the rental.”
“Seriously? You’re thanking me for letting you use my car? I owe you a lot more than the use of my vehicle.”
We get in and my dad starts driving to my place. “I made sure all your bills were kept up with like we discussed, and someone came in once a month and cleaned. How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling damn good. I’m ready to get my life back, but I’m not going to fuck this up. I have my sponsor on speed dial, and I have the locations of the narcotic anonymous meetings in my area.”
“That’s what I like to hear.” He shoots me a smile.
“I know we talked about all this when you guys visited, but I need to say it again. I’m sorry for what I did and said.”
“I appreciate it, Marco. You’re our son and we’ll always be here for you. It killed me having to walk away. Every day I prayed you were alive and would stay alive long enough to get help. Now let’s put all this behind us.”
“Where’s Mom?” I ask. I’m surprised she isn’t here, and if I’m honest, a little disappointed.
“She’s meeting us for dinner. She wanted to be here, but since you insisted on us not telling anybody about you being in rehab, she couldn’t think of an excuse to be in California and not…umm…” My dad trails off unsure of how to finish what he was saying.
“Dad, you know one of the things we talked about in rehab was not coddling me. What’s going on? Whatever it is, I can handle it.”
“Bella’s mom threw her a baby shower today. When Liz invited everyone, she didn’t know we were already coming here for you, and since Hayley couldn’t say anything, she just acted like we were coming here for the shower.”
Bella’s baby shower. As much time as I have thought about Bella and our baby the last few months, it still hits me hard hearing her name spoken out loud.
“Have you told mom what I told you?”
My dad shakes his head. “You said you thought she might be. You were high and heading to rehab. I felt it was best to wait until you were sober and ready to deal with this head on. Are you sure you might be the dad?”
“Do I remember having sex with her? No.” I hang my head in shame. My counselor and I spoke at great lengths about Bella, the baby, and how she more than likely isn’t going to forgive me right away. We talked about being ready to co-parent without being together, and Dr. Wells recommended we consider going to counseling together. But the first step is finding out from Bella if this baby is mine.
“I have a letter I wasn’t supposed to see and it states I’m the dad.”
“Just remember you’re only ninety days sober, and while this baby should be a priority, you also need to put yourself first so you stay sober for the baby.”
We arrive at my condo and Dad gives me space to unpack my stuff. I look around and can’t believe this is my home. I was so high and fucked up, I never even bothered to do anything with the place. It’s a three-bedroom condo on the beach on the first floor. You can literally walk outside and step foot in the sand, but other than the necessities like a bed and dresser, everything in this place is empty. The walls are white and bare, and there’s no pictures out. It’s the opposite of the home I grew up in with Hayley and Caleb.
I throw my luggage onto the bed and open it up to put my clothes away. As I pick up the pile, the stack of envelopes falls out onto the floor. Picking them up, I put them back in a neat pile and place them into my drawer. Eighty letters. One for every day I was in rehab minus the days I was detoxing and wasn’t allowed to have anything dangerous near me such as a writing utensil.
I thought about mailing them so many times but chickened out every time. Something told me I needed to say all the words in person. But I never got rid of a single letter. My counselor said maybe it was cleansing for me to let it all out on paper.
After changing into clean clothes, my dad and I head out to meet Mom for dinner.
“Oh, my baby!” My mom spots me outside the restaurant and runs to me with open arms. “You look so good!” Tears fall down her cheeks, and I hate that there was a time I didn’t look good. I hate what I put my parents through. But I can’t look back. All I can do is move forward and make things right the best I can.
We hug for a few more minutes, until the hostess lets us know our table is ready. “So, what are your plans?” my dad asks.
“Honey, just let him be. He just got out.”
“And he needs to have a plan.”
“Dad’s right. My plan is to work on making amends with the people I wronged. I want to go visit Logan in the hospital. I found out he was moved to Sharp Hospital here in San Diego into a long-term facility.”
“And what about you?” my mom asks.
“My back is still sore, but it’s getting better.” I put my head down, still feeling shame. “I’m so sorry I didn’t come to you guys. I should have told you the pain I felt. I shouldn’t have turned to drugs.”
“Hey, you did come to us.”
“Yeah, too late.”
“No, too late would be us burying you. It wasn’t too late. You are here, and you are well,” Mom says.
“I want to get back to fighting. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I want to start working out and training again.” But even as I say the words, I feel like they’re no longer true. Like they’re what I’m supposed to say, what people are expecting me to say, what I should be saying. I’m just not sure if I truly mean them anymore.
“And you’re sure you don’t want to move back home?” Dad asks.
“I have to be here.” I hate that I’m keeping this secret from my mom, but what if the letter wasn’t true? What if Bella’s baby isn’t mine. I need to talk to Bella first before I start running my mouth to everyone in sight.
We enjoy the rest of our meal then head back to my place. Mom and Dad insist on spending the night in the guest room, and I welcome the company. I excuse myself to call my sponsor, a man named Jay who has been a recovering addict for thirty years. After going over my plan and when I’ll be attending my first meeting, I go to bed, grateful to finally be sleeping in my own bed, in my own home.
I wake up to the smell of bacon. Mom must have gone to the store because there’s no way anything from that fridge was still good.
“Morning,” I say, giving my mom a kiss on her cheek. Her phone dings, and she looks at it on the counter.
“Oh, no!” My mom says looking at her phone. “Bel
la had the baby. She was brought in via ambulance last night and they had to do an emergency caesarean.”
My heart races at the thought of something happening to Bella and our baby.
“Is she okay? Is the baby okay?” I blurt out. Please let them both be okay. I shoot up a silent prayer to the man upstairs.
“She’s okay. They both are.”
“We should head over there,” my dad tells her, getting up from the couch. My mom flicks the stove off and covers the bacon with foil.
“If you don’t want to go, we’ll completely understand. I know something happened with you and Bella, but I’m sure she would want you there.”
If she knew the way I treated Bella the last time I saw her, she would think otherwise. It’s not that I don’t want to visit her, to see our baby and apologize to her for everything I did. Beg for forgiveness. But the day after she’s given birth isn’t the time or place to do that.
“No, that’s okay. You guys go. I need to visit Logan.”
“Okay, sweetie.” She gives me a quick kiss on my cheek then grabs her purse.
My dad murmurs, “I’ll let you know how she is.”
Chapter Seventeen
Bella
Twelve Hours Earlier
My eyes shoot open, frantically glancing around the dark room. The clock reads 10:03 p.m. I’ve only been asleep for a couple hours. My entire pregnancy I have slept like the dead every time my head has hit the pillow so why am I awake? I push my covers off me and throw my legs around to the side of the bed so I can get up to go pee and get a drink.
I feel a strong kick from my little one and smile down at my belly. I can’t wait to meet her. As I stand, a huge, sharp pain hits me and I double over, gabbing my belly. Something’s wrong.
“Tristan!” I shout, then remember I insisted he meet Mason for drinks. I consider driving myself to the hospital when the pain shoots through me again. Instead, I dial 911.
I barely make it to the door to unlock it so the paramedics can get in, when the pain comes at me ten-fold. I stumble to the couch, holding my belly, and pray everything will be okay.
Remembering I need to let my mom and Tristan know I’m going to the hospital, I send a quick text to both of them. Immediately my phone rings, but at the same time, the paramedics come in and my phone is an afterthought.
The minute the paramedics take control, everything happens at lightning speed. I’m put on a gurney and raced to the hospital. On the way, I’m set up with an IV and asked a bunch of questions I have no answers to.
They pull right up to the labor and delivery ward and nurses are there waiting for me. I’m rushed into a room where the on-call doctor assesses me. “We need to prep her for an emergency C-section. The baby is in fetal distress.”
Then everything is just a flurry of chaos. A nurse helps strip me of my clothes and puts me in a gown. She covers my hair with a net and then I’m whisked to a freezing cold room.
“Because we didn’t have time to give you an epidural, we’re going to give you general anesthesia. I want you to count down from twenty for me and you will fall asleep.”
The thought of not being awake when my little girl is born causes me to panic and the nurse notices. “It’s only going to be for a short time. The baby will be taken to get checked out and before you know it, she will be in your arms.”
I nod my understanding, but I can feel the tears dripping down my face, hitting my temple and ears. She places the mask over me and I begin counting. “Twenty… nineteen… eighteen… seventeen… sixt—”
Chapter Eighteen
Marco
“Fuck, man! I hate this shit so much! I shouldn’t have let you drive. I should’ve insisted we take a taxi. I should have been looking at the road instead of down at my cell phone.” I’m sitting on the side of my best friend Logan’s bed for the first time since he’s been moved to San Diego.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to come and visit. I’m a shit friend. I chose drugs and denial over being here. Damn it! You need to wake up. I haven’t trained since the accident. I need you to wake up and train with me. I can’t do this alone. I don’t even think I want to do this anymore. Please. Please wake up.” I grab my friend’s hand and squeeze it, my head falling to the side railing.
“I’m so sorry, man. I’m so sorry.” I start to sob, not being able to control my emotions any longer.
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” a soft voice says. I whip my head around to find Logan’s sister, Reese, standing in the doorway.
“I didn’t mean to overhear. I didn’t realize anyone was in here.”
“I wipe the tears from my face and stand to give her a hug. “It’s good to see you, Reese. I’m so sorry…”
“Stop saying sorry. He tested negative for alcohol. The only thing in his blood were muscle relaxers, which he had a prescription for. He didn’t cause that accident and who’s to say, had the drugs not been in his system, he still would have reacted the same way. There’s no point in thinking about the ‘what ifs’.”
“I know that, but if I would have insisted…”
Reese cuts me off. “What? The accident never would have happened? You don’t know that. The taxi driver could have gotten into an accident and killed you both. Nobody can predict anything.”
I know she’s right, and I’ve discussed this at length with my counselor, but sitting in front of Logan makes me question every decision I made leading up to that moment. I want my best friend back.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I see my mom has sent me a picture text. I click it open and see the most beautiful baby I have ever seen complete with olive skin, black curly locks, and eyes as dark as a midnight sky.
Mom: She looks a lot like Chloe when she was a baby, doesn’t she?
She knows. I’ve seen the looks she’s given me and chose to ignore them. And if she knows, who else knows?
Instead of texting her back, something comes over me. I look at Logan and it hits me how unpredictable life is. It can end today. Tomorrow. We never know.
“I need to go.” I give Reese a hug and run out the door. I’m on the other side of the hospital, but I make it to the labor and delivery ward in record speed.
“I need to see Bella Cooper,” I tell the nurse.
“And you are?”
“I-I’m a friend.”
“I will need to approve you.” She picks up the phone and dials her room. “I have a…”
“Marco Michaels,” I tell her.
“Marco Michaels here to see Bella… Okay… I’ll let him up.”
“She let me up?” I ask incredulously.
“That was her mother. Bella is signing the birth certificate right now… with the father.”
“Not if I can help it.”
The nurse tells me the room number, and since I already have a visitor pass from visiting Logan, she presses the button to open the doors. Before they are even fully open, I’m running toward her room, not even thinking about what it is I’m going to say.
I probably should have thought about what I was going to say.
Chapter Nineteen
Bella
“Here are the forms you need to fill out. This is for the birth certificate. This one is for the insurance. This one is for the application for a social security card.” I stare at each form and try to remember what each one is for as she continues her list.
“I’m going to go check on a couple other patients while you’re filling these out,” the nurse says before leaving. The entire staff here have all been wonderful. The data processing woman continues to explain the forms to me when the phone rings next to the bed for the millionth time.
“Mom, can you answer it?”
“Sure, honey.”
I take the forms from the woman and hand Tristan the baby so I can fill them out. The baby. That’s what everyone keeps calling her because I haven’t decided on a name yet. Only I have decided, but I’m afraid to say it out loud. The minute I woke up from surger
y and they wheeled her into my room, I almost had a nervous breakdown. She’s literally a spitting image of Marco. It’s almost like I wasn’t even a part of conceiving her. I’m sure other people have noticed, how could they not? But nobody has said anything.
“Marco?” Someone says his name and I look up and see Marco standing in the doorway glancing from me to Tristan.
“I need to speak with Bella,” Marco says, his eyes locking with mine. He looks good. Nothing like he did the last time I saw him when he told me I was dead to him. He’s a bit less built than he used to be. It looks like he’s lost some muscle mass, but he looks good nonetheless.
“Son, I don’t think right now is the best time.” Caleb puts his hand on Marco’s shoulder.
“I understand that, but it’s important.” Marco’s eyes plead with me.
“Bella, I think something is wrong with the baby,” Tristan says. I drop my pen to take a closer look at her. It looks like she’s having a difficult time breathing.
“Mom, get the nurse!”
My mom rushes out, and a few seconds later, she’s back in with the nurse.
“It looks like she’s have a difficult time breathing,” I say, starting to freak out. I attempt to get out of the bed, but my dad stops me. The nurse takes the baby from Tristan, puts her back in her rolling bassinet, and says, “I’m going to get her checked out.”
“Can I go with her?” Tristan asks.
“It’s best if you stay here. I’ll come back in and update you once we know something.”
“Oh my God!” I start to breakdown. “What could be wrong with her? She looked perfect.”
My mom comes around to the side of the bed and holds me tight. “Don’t freak out, Bella. It could be nothing.”
