Have Yourself a Merry Little Secret : a Christmas collection of historical romance (Have Yourself a Merry Little... Book 2)
Page 32
"Which begs the question as to why you would throw him over for the ancient and decrepit Lord Rackliffe? I know that if I had the choice between Lord Gordan and Lord Rackliffe, I certainly would not have picked a gentleman who was old enough to be my great grandfather." Sarah downed her wine in one swallow. "You must have loved him a great deal to have married a gentleman fifty years your senior." Sarah waved her empty crystal glass before Lady Rackliffe's face. "If you'll excuse me, I need another glass of wine. A lot more celebrating to be had."
Sarah stood and, without a backward glance at the gaping Lady Rackliffe, joined Giles, who was speaking to the Duke and Duchess of Whitstone.
Tonight was not the time, Sarah reminded herself. Later, she would sneak to Giles's room and ask him the truth. Only then would she know what she would do and what her future would encompass.
Chapter 14
Sarah paced her bedroom late that evening, the skirts of her pink silk shift and dressing gown billowing about her legs. The house the past hour had been quiet. Was Giles in his room? Or was he still downstairs with her brother and celebrating the impending wedding? An event that she was not certain would take place, not now that she knew why he'd abandoned them all those years ago.
A light scratch sounded on her door, and her pacing ceased. She flew to the door, cracking it open a little to see who was there. Giles's handsome, smiling visage greeted her, and she stepped back, letting him in. He smiled at her, reaching for her the moment she shut and locked the door. Sarah stepped back, holding up her hand. "We need to talk. Before anything else is settled between us."
He frowned, his face a mask of confusion. "Very well. What is it that you wish to discuss?"
Sarah walked over to the settee before her fire and sat. Giles joined her, taking her hand. She didn't pull away as she should. Instead, she allowed the small gesture, if only to will herself to what she must ask.
"I spoke with Lady Rackliffe tonight, and she explained your betrothal to her with a little more clarity."
"Really." His brows drew farther together still, his eyes narrowing. "What did she say?"
"Did you push me away the night I kissed you because of the scandal that was ripping my family apart?"
He ran a hand over his jaw, and Sarah could see he was choosing his words carefully. An inkling of fear rippled through her. So there was truth to Lady Rackliffe's words.
"When you kissed me, I wasn't prepared for what that kiss would mean."
Sarah frowned, knowing only too well what that kiss meant to her at least. It had changed her world, made her realize to the very core of her soul that she wanted him, and no one else. For all the years she'd pined for him, longed for him to look her way had not been an impossible dream. Had it meant anything to Giles? Or had she been nothing but an annoyance, a walking scandal that he did not want to be associated with?
"What do you even mean by that?"
He gestured between them. "Your kiss unraveled the world that I convinced myself I wanted. I was betrothed to Edith for only one day and could not cry off. I was trapped, furious at myself that I had chosen the wrong woman."
She met his gaze, wishing that were true, but it was not all of his truth. There were parts of his story he was keeping from her. "Did your father command you cease your friendship with our family over what Hugh was accused of? Even though you of all people, one of our closest friends, should have known Hugh could not be guilty of such a crime."
He was silent a moment, a muscle working in his jaw. He stood, striding to the mantel, leaning on it as he considered the roaring flames in the hearth. "My father was not an easy man, Sarah. Certainly was not one whom a son would go up against." He turned, meeting her gaze, and the fear that lurked in his eyes made her stomach churn. She hated to see him so fearful of the truth. Only someone guilty of the crime, understood the ramifications, would be troubled. "My father demanded me to marry Edith, or he would cut me off. Leave me to rot, I believe, were his words."
"Your father was my mother's friend for years. How could he hate her son so much as to demand this of you?" To be so cruel did not make sense. The late marquess could not have been so blind and wicked.
"They remained friends, even though he ensured the association did not sully his son and only heir. When Edith did not show up at the church for our wedding, my father's fight to tell me what to do seemed to dissipate from that point onward. He became an old man overnight, and within three years was gone."
"What about all the other years you stayed away?" She shook her head, fisting her hands in her lap. "Why? If I meant so very much to you, why did you let me rot in Kent? Left me under the protection of a brother who gave no security at all."
"I thought you shunned me. I did not think that you wanted anything further to do with me after the way I treated you after our kiss."
"I did not like you at all, that is true, but if you came to me then, explained why you had acted as you did, it would not have been so bad, but now…" Sarah stood, coming before him. "I could not have meant any great deal to you if you stayed away. You believed the scandal, didn't you? You knew Henry was a rogue, hell-bent on causing and living a debauched life, and still, you believed Hugh was guilty of the crime against Miss Cox."
"I did not believe that of Hugh. Never." He clasped her hands, squeezing them. "Please, Sarah, you must understand."
"No, I do not need to understand anything. I do not need to believe you at all." She tore her hands away, putting distance between them. "You lied to me, and worse is that your ex-betrothed threw the truth in my face." How many others in the ton would laugh at her for being so blind? Had Lady Rackliffe told her knowledge regarding Giles and Sarah to everyone at the house party? Were they laughing at her behind her back?
Humiliation tore through her and anger thrummed in her veins that the ton was once again laughing at her family. Snickering and speaking about them behind their backs.
He stared down at her, a shadow crossing his eyes. "I did not tell Lady Rackliffe anything. If she knew anything at all, it was at my father's doing."
"You've made a fool of me, Giles, and I won't stand for it. I promised myself years ago that I would never allow the ton to laugh and criticize my family. I have not, to this day, missed the society that I once graced. I cannot marry a man who believed Hugh was guilty. A man who allowed his father to dictate whom he should marry all because of a lie. Did you try to contact Hugh at all when he was in Rome?"
Giles dropped his hands at his sides, his face paling. "I did not."
Sarah shook her head, not believing what she was hearing. How had she not seen the reason why Giles had cut them off? It was not simply because she'd thrown herself at him, and he did not feel the same way. It was because he'd been told to stay away, to remove his oldest friends from his life. Do as he was told or else.
"I cannot marry you, Giles."
Sarah started for the door, needing him to leave. A hand clamped about her arm, wrenching her back. "You're crying off from our understanding? Even though I love you as much as you love me?"
His declaration sent a frisson of pleasure to course through her, but she pushed it down, stomped on it until it was no more. Her heart ached in her chest, her throat tight with unshed tears. She would not give in to emotion. She'd learned a long time ago to remain calm, don't show a response to situations that could cause her pain or give others power over her. "I will not marry a man who treated my family so poorly. Did you know how I suffered here in England without Hugh? Without you?"
The pitying look he bestowed on her fired her temper. She paced before him, her mind a whirlwind of thoughts. "Henry was awful after he schemed his way out of ruining Miss Cox. He threw parties here, lived for nothing but debauchery and strife. I had no one. Society shunned me, so I stayed here, hiding like some felon who had committed a crime. His friends would come from town, the gentleman I had danced with during my first Season. I soon learned to be wary. They were wont to follow Henry's etiquette. Whenever my bro
ther came to stay, I fled to the dowager house."
He took a step toward her, and she put out her hand, stopping him. "I do not need your comfort."
"I did not know, Sarah. I would have come had I known. I'm sorry."
"Everyone knew what Henry was like, you more than anyone else, but you chose to stay away. I was not important enough to you that you would come and visit like you had when we were younger. I allowed myself to be swept up in your attention to me the past week. Allowed your sweet words and even sweeter kisses to taint my recollection of the past. How fortunate Lady Rackliffe reminded me of my failing."
A muscle worked in his jaw, and she looked toward the fire, not wanting to see the sheen of unshed tears in his eyes. "I made a mistake, do not punish us both for the rest of our lives by doing this, Sarah."
"Leave," she said, her voice cold and emotionless, just as her soul was right at this very moment. He'd left her before. Surely she would survive if he left her again.
"This is a mistake." Giles started for the door, pausing at her side a moment. Sarah willed him to leave. To go now. If he stopped, if he pulled her into his arms, she wasn't certain she would be so strong to deny him.
Sarah did not respond, merely listened as her door opened and closed quietly behind the one man in the world she did love and who, for the second time in her short life, had broken her heart.
Chapter 15
The following morning Giles waited in the Duke of St. Albans' study, needing to speak to him before the day commenced. His gut churned, his eyes itched with a lack of sleep. Would Hugh aid him in winning Sarah back, or tell him to bugger off after hearing why he'd distanced himself for so many years from Hugh's family?
The duke strode into the room, his steps slowing when he saw him seated before his desk. "Gordan?" He came the rest of the way into the room, slipping his tall frame into his leather-back chair. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" His Grace asked, smiling.
Giles wondered how long the comradeship would last, considering he'd lied to the duke's sister, and Hugh also. Giles could only hope his old school friend would let the past be. They had all made mistakes, granted this was one of the biggest that Giles had made. And one he wanted to right before he lost the only woman he'd ever loved.
Something about the knowing depths of the duke's gaze told him he may have already heard why he wished to see him this morning.
"St. Albans," he said, nodding in welcome. "I need to speak to you quite urgently. It's important."
"I believe it is." His Grace narrowed his eyes, leaning back in his chair. "Sarah did not appear to be the incandescent happy bride of the evening before at breakfast. Have you quarreled?"
Giles cleared his throat. You could say that. "Sarah no longer wishes to marry me, and after what I'm about to tell you, I would not be surprised if you wish for me to leave the Christmas festivities."
The duke raised his brow, throwing him a contemplative inspection. "Well, that does sound ominous. What happened?" he asked.
Giles told him of his engagement to Edith. How the union came about at the behest of his father. How his father had wanted to distance his only son and heir from Hugh, his closest friend after the scandal, citing bad influence and being tainted by association. The kiss Sarah bestowed on him at a London ball and his reaction to the said kiss. He told Hugh all of his shame, his regrets, and mistakes.
A muscle worked on Hugh's jaw, his eyes narrowed, but he didn't utter a word. Giles met Hugh's eyes, hard, dark pools he could not read, and he waited for the demand to leave to be spoken. For him to declare he ought to let Sarah go and find another woman to marry.
Instead, the reaction Hugh gave him was not the one he expected.
He laughed. So hard, in fact, his eyes watered.
"Well, you have made a mess of things, have you not?" Hugh stood, striding over to a decanter of whiskey, pouring two good portions into crystal glasses. He came over to him, handing him one. "Drink. If you are to win my sister back, you'll need your fortification."
Giles did as Hugh bade him, the burn of the amber liquid down his throat reminding him he was alive and being so, there was the opportunity, the possibility, to win Sarah back.
"You're not angry?" Giles asked, unsure how he could not be so. "I ceased a lifetime of friendship simply due to what my father and the ton believed to be true. I should not have. I knew you better than anyone, I should have guessed that Henry was behind your downfall."
Hugh waved his concerns aside. "Henry and my mother were to blame. Not you. Nor are you responsible for your father's reaction to the scandal that rocked my family. Sarah should understand this."
Giles had hoped that she would, but it was not so. "I should not have allowed my father to dictate my life. I lied to her, and she knows that I did. In her opinion, I chose to follow the ton, let their response, and opinions guide me away from my friendship with you both. I did not go to her after my father's death as I should have. She cannot forgive me."
Hugh sighed, leaning forward and crossing his hands on the desk. "Why did you not repair the friendship after the marquess's death?"
Giles cringed, wishing he had. "I had not seen Sarah for some years by then, and our parting did not give me the sense that she wished to know if I were alive or dead."
Disappointment lurked in Hugh's gaze, and Giles knew that particular point was his downfall. Why he could lose her. He should have gone to her immediately. Begged for forgiveness and made her remember how very much they liked each other. "I know," he groaned. "You do not have to say it. I know I buggered up."
Hugh nodded. "On that point, yes, you did, but we've all made mistakes. I more than most. I should not have allowed my family to push me from the only home I had, and yet I did. I took their financial support, moved to Rome, and started a new life. All the while, I let an innocent woman suffer in England at the hands of my brother's treatment."
Giles did not know what to say to such a declaration. Since Hugh's return, they had not discussed the scandal or outcomes of the time but had been happy to put it all behind them. Move forward, pick up the friendship where they once were, and forget the duke's brother and his mistreatment of those he was supposed to love.
"Sarah dislikes the ton and their treatment of her and me. While I understand why she's reacted in such a way, I also know that she will be thinking clearer in a couple of days. Do not give up on her, Giles. I've known that since we were boys on the brink of becoming men, there was a special bond between you two. I would like nothing more than to welcome you into our family, to become my brother. I always saw you like one, more than the actual blood brother I was saddled with."
Giles took a calming breath. The duke's comforting words went a long way in dispelling the gnawing worry he'd been plagued with ever since Sarah told him their understanding was no more.
"She does not want to marry me. How do I win her back? I have waited years to be with her. I cannot lose her now."
Hugh threw him a pitying look. Giles knew he was pitiful at this very moment, but panic threatened to seize him at the mere thought of walking away. Of hearing months or years from now that Sarah had married another. Loved another. He would not let it happen. She loved him, not anyone else. He simply had to remind her of that fact.
"Let me talk to her, Giles. As her brother and the one person she trusts most in the world, let me see if I can get her to see another point of view."
While Giles doubted it would be successful, he would try anything not to lose her. "Thank you, Hugh. I cannot thank you enough for this kindness."
Hugh stood, coming around the desk to clasp his shoulder. "While I cannot promise success, I will do all that I can. As you know, my sister can be quite stubborn with independent thought, that is hard to sway at times."
Giles chuckled, knowing how true that was. It was one of the reasons he loved her as much as he did. She was no wilting flower, his love. "She is a rare beauty." And he would win her back, losing her simply was not an option.
Sarah sat in the duke and duchess’s private parlor, not for use by the other guests at the house party. She sat on the settee facing the fire, waiting for her family to join her.
She had requested they come to see her, to hear of her change of circumstance, where it regarded Giles.
The thought of him made her skin chill, and she rubbed her arms, pulling the woolen shawl about her shoulders, her light-green gown not warm enough on this cold day.
She had not seen him at breakfast this morning, had not reveled in his company, his wicked glances across the table and lively conversation.
How could he have pushed her away and discarded her when she needed him the most? His actions were unforgivable.
Molly and Hugh strode into the room. Molly came over to her, kissing her cheeks in turn, before sitting beside her. Hugh stood before the fire, warming his hands.
"Sarah, I must say that I'm pleased you asked to speak to me, for there is a matter we need to discuss."
"There is? What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?" She had not mentioned anything to anyone about her and Giles's parting ways. Had she been too sharp with one of the guests? Lady Rackliffe, perhaps, who had a way of getting under her skin.
Hugh turned, facing them, his hands clasped behind his back. Molly took Sarah's hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. "What is wrong? You're both starting to frighten me."
"Be assured there is nothing wrong, but I have spoken to Giles this morning. He has told me everything that happened between you."
Molly threw her a look full of pity, and Sarah sighed. Not wanting anyone to pity her for standing up for what she believed. If Giles truly loved her, he would have fought for her. Came to her the moment his father had passed. He did not.
"No matter what your choice, we're here for you, Sarah."
Sarah thanked her kind sister-in-law, but turned back to her brother. "He spoke to you? I hope you made it clear that his actions toward you and our family were unacceptable. Hurtful and not those of a friend. Which, I had to remind him of the fact, he was supposed to be."