Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  I stopped, too. “Then, what is it?”

  “I went to my parents’ place on Sunday and didn’t take Martha with me. She took it hard and thinks I’m ashamed of her.”

  “Oh, shoot.”

  She nodded. Caro hadn’t yet dared to tell her parents that she was gay. They were both devout Catholics. And I knew she hated to keep secrets from them. She had only dared to come out in Nuremberg – in the anonymous big city.

  “Why don’t you talk to them?” I began cautiously. “Maybe your parents would be more understanding than you think. After all, you’re twenty-four years old and not a little kid anymore. They should accept that you’re allowed to live your life the way you want to.”

  “I know.” She sighed heavily. “But every time I’m home, my mother looks at me wistfully and asks if I’ve finally found a boyfriend yet. You know what she said to me on Sunday? Child,” she imitated her mother in a high voice, “if you don’t make up your mind soon, the best ones will be taken. Then you’ll have no choice but to become a lesbian.”

  I giggled. “For real?”

  Caro nodded, unamused.

  “Maybe that would’ve been the opportunity ...”

  “Sure,” she cut me off. “Mom, Dad, all the men in Nuremberg are taken, so I’m now officially introducing you to Martha.” She rolled her eyes as we started moving again. I put my arm around hers.

  “Not all of them... you could take Ben home with you, and then they’d be thrilled with Martha, I guarantee it.”

  We both burst out laughing.

  “Oh, come on, he can’t be that bad,” Caro replied plaintively as we rounded the corner onto Breite Gasse with its throngs of people.

  “Or don’t say anything and just wear this t-shirt the next time you visit.” I pointed to the bold black print on her white top: Nobody knows I’m a lesbian!

  Caro waved dismissively. “They wouldn’t get it anyway.” She headed for a clothes rack and pushed the hangers apart. The smell of roasted potatoes wafted out of a Dutch potato stall, while I checked out a gray shirt that Caro was holding up.

  “Hate the neckline,” I decided.

  “I agree.” She hung it back up. “How are things going with your roommates, anyway? You haven’t said a word about them.”

  “I get along great with Toby now, but Ben’s pretty much the same idiot he was when I moved in.”

  She laughed. “You need to give that poor guy a break. He isn’t as bad as you say.”

  “He’s a pain in the ass.” We walked on. “His body count is through the roof. I swear he’s with someone new every night, either at the apartment or at their place. I mean, who even needs that much sex? It’s a mystery to me.” Ringo and I had done it maybe once a week, and always quickly without much fuss.

  “Maybe he’s compensating for something?” Caro rummaged through a mound of scarves.

  “What do you mean?”

  She turned to face me. “I read somewhere, for example, that people who had thrifty parents as children can sometimes grow up to become compulsive shoppers. Or adults who were never allowed to eat chocolate when they were little, will later gorge themselves on nothing else.”

  I scratched the back of my head. “What on earth does this have to do with Ben? He’s neither fat nor does he come home with piles of groceries.” Just the opposite, I thought grimly, angrily remembering my grilled chicken he’d gotten his teeth into last week when I was in the shower. He had told me in all seriousness that he had merely sacrificed himself so that it wouldn’t go bad.

  “Maybe he didn’t get enough love as a child.” Caro shrugged as she held up a bright yellow scarf.

  Not enough love? It seemed much more likely he’d been spoiled excessively as a child, considering how selfishly he always behaved. He had probably had helicopter parents who kept telling him how great he was and how special he was just because he managed to stack three wooden blocks on top of each other when he was seven. Well, that was what happened in the end. After raising an arrogant monster, they were now forcing the rest of us to suffer the negative consequences of their poor child rearing skills.

  I waved her off. “Enough about him. Let’s go get some coffee somewhere.”

  “Okay,” she said, tossing the yellow atrocity back in the box and taking my arm. Suddenly a man in his fifties stopped next to us, arms akimbo, staring at Caro.

  “Do you know this guy?” I asked under my breath

  She shook her head.

  “Do the two of you have no shame?” he yelled.

  “Excuse me?” I looked at him, bewildered.

  “Doing your filthy crap is one thing. But do you also need to advertise it on your shirt? There are children running around here. What if they turn out like you two? Have you ever thought about that?”

  Caro stared back. “For real?”

  “And disrespectful on top. Well, that’s just like you riffraff. You’re sick, all of you.”

  “With men like you around, being a lesbian is the only option,” Caro commented coolly.

  He came a step closer, his eyes flashing. “You better watch your mouth, or you’ll have an even bigger mess to deal with.”

  “Hey, hey, now, take it easy.” I stepped in front of Caro protectively. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the first time she’d heard this sort of garbage. And just when she was starting to feel better too. I was so sick of this intolerance. Why didn’t they mind their own business? What was this dude’s problem anyway? I decided a counterstrike was the best course of action. “You would dare to hit a pregnant woman, shame on you!”

  He flinched, staring at Caro, who was standing there with drooping shoulders. Her face lit up. We exchanged a mischievous grin before she rubbed her belly, sticking it out a little.

  “How’d that happen?” he asked.

  “With me,” I told him with a big smile. “In vitro. Two eggs are fused together. Anything is possible nowadays. And the good news is, it’ll always be a girl.”

  “You two’ve got a screw loose. No wonder no man would ever want to touch you.”

  Behind me, Caro giggled, and I replied: “You should be more considerate. My sweetie is in a really vulnerable phase right now.” I pulled Caro into my arms with a flourish. “Oh, baby.” I pretended to kiss her deeply and only stopped when the guy hurried away through the crowd, cursing. We burst into laughter, but then I noticed someone out of the corner of my eye who had been watching us with interest.

  14

  Erdie, the guy from the cafeteria, was standing only a little way off and watching us. He had his arm around a very pretty woman with strawberry blond curls. Rhashmi instantly popped into my mind. She had been babbling on and on about him since that day they’d met. Despite his big proclamation, he hadn’t shown up at the cafeteria again. And I now knew the reason.

  “Let’s go,” I said to Caro as Erdie started moving in our direction. Was that really necessary? The guy was just as idiotic as his stupid friend. He kept showing up at our apartment all the time to visit Ben; the two of them seemed inseparable. Whenever he dropped by, I hid in my room, but I could still hear the two of them talking and laughing at full volume in the kitchen, with the clink of beer bottles in between. Thoughtfulness was a foreign concept for the both of them.

  “What’s up, Shorty?” he asked, smiling.

  Why did he always have to call me Shorty? Practically everyone was shorter than him.

  “Not much.” I turned away to imply that this inspiring conversation was over for me, but he stopped me in my tracks.

  “If that asshole had touched either of you, I would have made him regret it.”

  “Well, nothing happened, so...” One of those protective types. Usually I didn’t mind, but strangely enough, I always felt like someone needed to protect me from Ben and Erdie.

  “I think a kick in the ass would have served him right,” said Caro, which made Erdie laugh. He looked at me like he was waiting for me to introduce my friend. I remained silent.

  “E
rdie,” he finally said, holding out his hand. She shook it.

  “Caro. You know each other?” Her index finger passed between us.

  “I’m an old friend of Ben’s, and dear Luca here is my new friend.” Erdie put an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me against himself. He was clearly trying to provoke me, but I didn’t give in; just peeled myself from his massive arms.

  “This is Hanna.” He introduced his companion.

  Wait a minute. Hadn’t he mentioned a girl named Phyllis at the cafeteria? No wonder he and Ben got along so well.

  “Hi,” said Hanna.

  Her pretty smile made her seem really nice. I secretly wondered why she would get involved with a guy like this.

  “That weirdo really did look threatening from a distance,” she went on, but Caro waved it off.

  “Just your regular intolerant asshole. You can’t let guys like him bother you too much.”

  “True,” Erdie agreed. “You have to be above it, idiots are everywhere. Still, I don’t like it when they think they need to assault women.”

  “I feel much better now.” Theatrically, I put a hand over my heart, but he didn’t seem to mind my irony. Instead, he made a fist and playfully punched my chin. That was sort of his thing; he did that to people all the time.

  “Wow, I love your earrings,” Caro said, admiring Hanna’s silver hoop earrings. “Where did you get them?”

  “From that little jewelry shop over there. They always have great stuff.” She pointed vaguely straight ahead.

  “Don’t I have great taste?” Erdie proudly tapped his chest. “I picked them out.”

  “What a stroke of luck!” Hanna stuck out her tongue, which made him mock-punch her chin too.

  They seemed very comfortable with each other—poor Rhashmi. While Caro and Hanna exchanged details about the store’s jewelry inventory, Erdie bent down to me.

  “How’s Rhashmi?”

  I couldn’t believe it. Did he honestly think he could ask me about her in front of his new flame?

  “She’s doing great,” I replied euphorically. “She’s always busy, goes out a lot.” I leaned forward and whispered as if I wanted to tell him something in confidence. “You really have to try hard to get with her.”

  “I thought so.” He sighed, suddenly seeming unusually shy. His eyes lost their sparkle. “Tell her I said hi.”

  I gave a thin-lipped smile. “Sure.”

  “We need to go to that store, like now,” ordered Caro.

  I was all for it, even though I wasn’t much into jewelry. I enthusiastically hooked my arm through Caro’s and waved to the others.

  “Take care of yourselves, okay? Two beautiful girls all alone...” Erdie had mastered the art of slime to perfection. In my generous moments, I’d call myself pretty, but I was definitely no great beauty. A melody suddenly sounded from our midst, some kind of rap song, not all that bad really.

  “Whose phone is that?” Erdie looked around confused, then he seemed to recognize the melody. “Oh, that’s me.” He fumbled around in the pocket of his light blue denim jacket. “New ringtone, still getting used to it.”

  I didn’t tell him the correct expression would have been: “That’s mine.” The other day, I had kindly pointed out to Ben that he shouldn’t say because of those low temperatures but because of the low temperatures. And he had called me a smartass. Me? He was! It was just ridiculous. My mind snapped back when I heard Erdie cheerfully say, “Hey, Ben.” That was the sign for me to clear out. Was there no escaping from that guy?

  “Guess who’s standing next to me right now.” I heard Erdie say loudly into the phone. “Luca... Yes, some guy was harassing her downtown while she was making out with her girlfriend. You never told me she was a lesbian.” He winked at me. “Oh, she’s not?” Now he looked at me in confusion.

  “Are you sure? The two of them looked hot… Oh, really. Bondage with her ex-boyfriend, that sounds…”

  It was too much for me. While Caro silently shook with laughter, I ripped Erdie’s phone out of his hand and shouted, “It wasn’t bondage, and your pal here shouldn’t believe everything that comes out of your mouth, tell him that instead!” I shoved the tall guy’s cell phone back into his hand before my roommate could respond. Erdie’s jaw dropped.

  “Gotta go,” I said, feeling red throbbing blotches starting to appear on my cheeks as I pulled Caro away with me. Maybe I had overreacted, but it had had a liberating effect on my mental health. Caro looked at me sideways.

  “They’re all really nice.”

  “They’re all really crummy,” I grumbled.

  “You’re not even giving them a chance.”

  “They don’t deserve one.”

  Caro giggled. “You’re impossible. Even though you may seem cold-hearted sometimes, I know you better.”

  Cold-hearted. So that was how I came across. It hurt me a little that my best friend of all people thought of me that way. But by not opening up, you couldn’t get hurt. It was that simple. I knew what I was talking about, and Caro knew it too. After all, she was the only one who knew the story I would never talk about again for as long as I lived.

  15

  Later that night, I returned home, heavily loaded down with shopping bags. Today’s run-in downtown had indeed resulted in a little retail therapy. In my opinion, a shopping spree was better than any orgasm could be.

  Toby was talking in his room, probably on the phone with Ellen, who was once again off jet-setting. He had told me that these long separations from her made him anxious, and he hoped that things would be different once they started a family. Apparently, he was in it for the long haul. I was happy for them. Toby was such a nice guy and only had eyes for her.

  Soft music came from Ben’s room, the melodious voice of some female blues singer. I headed to my own four walls to finally get rid of my bags. Heavy raindrops splattered against the window. Sighing, I looked at the cloudy night sky. What should I do now? After a longer visit with Caro, I always felt a little lonely afterwards. Sighing again, I relocated to the living room to watch a little TV, which I could do if neither of the guys were in here watching a boring sports show. Luckily for me, an old episode of Grey’s Anatomy was on. Staring at the screen, I sat down on the couch. McDreamy was preparing for surgery, looking all sexy in his light blue scrubs with that adorable, bright smile. I sank into the pillows, weak in the knees. Why did men like him only exist in Hollywood?

  I ran my hand across the sofa cushion, imagining myself holding Patrick Dempsey in my arms, while I watched the show, transfixed. All of the sudden, my fingers touched something soft and sticky, almost like a balloon. I bolted upright, and holding my breath, I pulled out a used condom from under the pillow. It was knotted and full. My stomach turned. Disgusted, I threw the thing onto the dark green carpet and jumped up, furious. Ben, the spawn of sex hell! Couldn’t he do that dirty stuff with his bed buddies in his own room? And why did he have to leave his disgusting evidence lying around?

  “Ben!” I screamed shrilly, tapping my foot impatiently.

  No reaction. Typical.

  “Beeennnn!”

  Nothing happened for a long time. As usual, he was making me wait so it didn’t look as if he were immediately giving in to my request. I knew that tactic so well because I did the same to him.

  I was about to shout for him again when he appeared in the doorway.

  “What is it?” He couldn’t have sounded more bored.

  “There.” I pointed to the floor.

  Ben followed my gesture, but he seemed unfazed. Unbelievable.

  “A water balloon?” He grinned. “Did you hook up with a guy and do it on the couch? Congrats. You’re not as uptight as I thought.”

  “You really shouldn’t project your own failings onto others.” I stamped my foot. “That is so gross, it’s borderline sexual harassment. And just for your information. I have never had and never will have a one-night stand. Not everybody is into cheap, meaningless sex, you know. I really
don’t give a crap how many women you have to lay to stroke your fragile ego, but it’s unbelievable that you’d leave your trophies out for public display.” I glared at him.

  Leaning against the doorframe, Ben listened to my outburst. He didn’t seem to give a damn about his outrageous behavior. It was so like him.

  “Don’t you have anything to say in your defense?” I snapped, because he still wasn’t making the slightest attempt to talk his way out of it. What a jerk! He could at least apologize. I felt like I was a dragon breathing fire, and it wouldn’t have surprised me if steam was pouring out of my nostrils.

  “What are you watching?” He stared at the TV in fascination. A surgeon was making a thin incision with a scalpel across a naked torso.

  “Are you even listening to me?”

  “Yes, I did. You made a big fuss about a tiny condom. Just throw it in the garbage.”

  “That’s right; a tiny one,” I agreed, stressing every word.

  “Smartass,” he muttered.

  Toby appeared. “What’s going on over here? Luca, the entire building can hear you.”

  “Your pal here leaves his used cock socks lying around...”

  Ben snorted, and I took a deep breath.

  “He left one in our living room. It’s disgusting.”

  Toby stared motionlessly at the condom, which looked like a slug crawling across the carpet. Finally, someone seemed to share my outrage, and to my relief, he seemed just as disgusted. Someone was finally coming over to my side, while Ben kept watching my show as if none of this was his business.

  “Um... Luca.” Toby rubbed his legs awkwardly. “Sorry, that’s mine...”

  I exhaled sharply. “What?”

  “You were both out yesterday, and well, Ellen and I had the place to ourselves. We got bored, so we decided to have a little fun. I’m really sorry. I completely forgot about it.”

  I stared at the wall, studying a tiny black spot that I had just discovered. Damn it. I had just wrongly accused Ben... So now what? I would have to apologize to him. This was a disaster, a worst-case scenario, the absolute worst thing imaginable.