Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  25

  Shortly before seven-thirty, I finally stepped out into the hallway. I had left the two boys a mere thirty minutes for the bathroom and felt a little guilty, which wasn’t necessary since they were freshly showered and chatting in the kitchen by the time I emerged from my room. How did they do that in such a short time? As I approached, they looked up. Ben was wearing a black dress shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It emphasized his athletic upper body, and I knew right away that he could easily take home any woman tonight, which gave me a brief pang. His hair was tousled, but parted to one side and so effortlessly styled that it looked natural. Toby wore a tight gray v-neck and a stylish black leather jacket. They definitely knew how to dress fashionably.

  “All done.” I stopped in the doorway.

  Toby gave a little wolf whistle. “Why don’t you always dress like this? You look hot.” He nodded appreciatively.

  Ben, on the other hand, remained silent, but his gaze wandered from my face downward, before slowly working its way back up. When his eyes stopped on my bust, I suddenly felt naked, like a pin-up girl, because of where he was so obviously staring. If Ben dared to laugh at me or even made one little remark, I would turn on my heel and lock myself in my room for the night. I nervously crossed an arm over my chest, casually grasping my shoulder. He really needed to stop ogling me.

  “Shall we go?” I urged them.

  * * *

  We got into Ben’s ancient metallic blue Audi. Of course, he had been granted the spot right next to the entrance of our building. I sat in the back and enjoyed letting myself be chauffeured. Trees and houses rushed past the side window, while the guys in the front talked, as so often, about some dull soccer game.

  After a very fast trip, we arrived in downtown Nuremberg, lucky to have avoided getting a speeding ticket on the way. I pulled myself out of the low back seat while Toby pushed the passenger seat forward to let me out.

  “The restaurant’s about two blocks away,” Ben remarked as he locked the car. “Getting a parking spot in Nuremberg is harder than picking up a woman.”

  I rolled my eyes. Sometimes he should really keep his mouth shut.

  Toby fished his buzzing cell out of his jacket pocket. “Ellen and Erdie are already at La Gondola.”

  La Gondola?! Had I heard that correctly? We were going to an Italian restaurant? What was I supposed to order at a pizza place? There was nothing for me to eat there except salad.

  “Can’t we go somewhere else?” I asked cautiously.

  “Why?” Ben buttoned up his gray corduroy jacket.

  “Because I can’t eat anything at a pizza place.”

  To my dismay, I saw the two exchange glances. The vibe of Why did we bring her again? was very easy to read.

  “Come on, just make an exception for once. You won’t gain weight right away.” Ben measured me with what I thought was a dismissive look. “You’re really not that fat, anyway.”

  Whoa. I couldn’t believe it. “If you’re going to spread that much charm around tonight, better strap on your walking shoes,” I snapped.

  With an eye roll, he replied. “There you go, putting every word in the wrong light. What mean thing did I say this time? Why are you always so touchy?”

  “You’re. Not. That. Fat,” I repeated back to him slowly. He was really getting on my nerves tonight. I was this close to taking off.

  “You can see for yourself that you’re not fat. That’s just your stupid insecurity talking, again.”

  I gasped. “Insecurity? Just because I don’t have an ego that’s completely blown out of proportion, like yours?”

  Ben snorted. “As if you’d know the first thing about blowing…”

  “You sexist assh…”

  “Luca, since when do you even listen to Ben’s bullshit?” Toby slipped an arm around my shoulders. “I’m sure we’ll find something for you to eat.” He tried cheering me up, so I decided to stop talking about it. After all, salad was great for your figure. I could always eat a chocolate bar at Caro’s, or maybe not.

  The restaurant was packed, and the guests were chatting over their pizzas or pasta. I ogled the towering plates longingly. Ellen and Erdie were sitting at a table in the back, and they waved as we approached. Thank God, Ben had stopped to say hi to some guys he knew.

  “Hey, Shorty. How’s it going?” Erdie beamed at me as if he were actually glad to see me.

  “Hi,” I answered curtly before greeting Ellen.

  She looked gorgeous as always in a red mini dress and perfect makeup. We hugged for a moment before I sat down across from her. Toby kissed her tenderly on the lips, everything seemed fine between them again.

  “I heard you had a bit of boy trouble.” Ellen remarked, sympathy in her voice.

  “I did, but the guys took care of it for me.” I picked up the brown menu. “They have to be good for something if I feed them,” I teased Toby, who playfully shook his fist at me.

  “Don’t look at me. I never touched your stuff.”

  “That’s true, we have another specialist for that.” I let my gaze wander through the restaurant. Ben was still engaged in an animated conversation.

  “Are you coming to the party?” Ellen sipped her water.

  “No, I have other plans.”

  “Too bad. I’m stuck with the boys all by myself again.”

  “Oh, don’t worry, we won’t be in your hair all night.” Erdie replied, taking a big swig of his beer.

  “I’m not worried,” she declared. “Especially not about that one.” She nodded vaguely in Ben’s direction. “I’m surprised he still finds fresh meat. You’d think he’d have sampled everything out there by now.”

  “Cut it out, Ellen.” Toby sounded annoyed.

  “Actually, you should thank Ben for getting you two together.” Erdie flexed his middle and ring fingers when he pointed at them. Probably some cool sprayer pose or something like that. How old was he? Thirteen? “I really don’t get what your problem is with Ben. He only came tonight because you promised to let up on him.”

  Ellen leaned back. “I’m not doing wrong, or do you see him sitting here?”

  I followed the conversation with growing surprise. Why did she badmouth Ben all the time?

  “He’s coming,” Toby hissed.

  Taking the seat next to me, Ben ignored Ellen as best he could, and addressed Erdie. “Hey, man, did you bring the CD?”

  Erdie slapped his forehead. “Damn it, I forgot.”

  “Never mind.” Ben reached for a menu and studied it.

  A plump Italian waitress came to our table to take our order. “Buona sera. Are you ready to order?”

  Ben closed the menu. “A large Coke and a ham and mushroom pizza, please.”

  The woman wrote everything down. While the others ordered, I scoured the menu, hunting for something gluten-free.

  “Why don’t you get the Vienna Schnitzel and fries?” Ben suddenly suggested.

  “I can’t eat the breading.”

  “How about just fries, then?” He sounded annoyed, so I decided to ignore him. Why didn’t he just mind his own business? Sometimes he could be such a jerk.

  “Is the deep fryer used for anything besides fries?” I asked the waitress who, to my dismay, nodded.

  “For the potato croquettes.”

  “Then fries won’t work.”

  “Why?” Ben butted in again. “They don’t fry them at the same time.”

  “No, but they use the same oil,” I said slowly, as if speaking to a toddler.

  “Oh, boy,” he said, exchanging another annoyed look with Toby.

  “I’ll have a large garden salad and a glass of Lambrusco,” I said, closing the menu resolutely, hoping to escape Ben’s company as quickly as possible.

  “I’ll have that too.” Ellen smiled at me. “But a small one. I have a lingerie shoot on Monday.”

  Ellen told me more about her job while the guys talked loudly between themselves over our heads. Three waiters returned with
our food. Ben’s pizza smelled tempting, and I was sure he was going to make a big deal about it just to spite me. I was amazed at how well I knew him by now, but decided not to give him a platform to annoy me. Instead, I smiled at one of the waiters who had winked at me earlier. Of course, Ben didn’t even notice me flirting with the nice Italian guy. Typical, he was so blind. When the waitress put my salad down in front of me, I groaned inwardly. This was unbelievable. I couldn’t even eat my salad. Three home-made breadsticks were arranged appetizingly across my salad bowl, effectively contaminating all the leaves they touched. If only I had opened my mouth earlier! I usually asked if restaurants sprinkled croutons or something like that over their salads. But Ben had made me so insecure with his bad mood that I hadn’t had the courage to ask. And now I wouldn’t even get to enjoy my salad, while he happily munched away on his stupid pizza. I wanted to scream.

  “What is it now?” he griped. “Is something wrong again? They didn’t decorate it nicely enough?”

  “There’s bread on top.” I sighted, wistfully looking at my bowl while the other two guys dug into their pasta dishes. Even Ellen had a bite of Toby’s spaghetti carbonara.

  “Just take them off,” Ben replied, as if I were dense.

  “I still can’t eat it.”

  He put his silverware aside. “How long have you been on this diet?”

  “Seventeen years.”

  Ben shook his head. “And in all that time, you’ve never had a slice of pizza or a roll?”

  “None that contained gluten.”

  “Leave her alone, if she doesn’t want it,” Toby interjected. “Why do you two always have to fight about everything?”

  Ben ignored him and turned to me instead. I wanted to crawl under the table.

  “So, how do you even know you can’t eat normal things? Maybe you’re depriving yourself for nothing.” He took a slice of pizza and held it up to my face. The aroma of melted cheese reached my nose, and I wondered what a real Italian pizza would taste like. I’d never eaten one before.

  “Why don’t you at least try it?” Ben held it closer to my lips.

  The others looked at me expectantly. What should I do now?

  “Why not?” Toby shrugged his shoulders. “Ben is right. Maybe it’s just in your mind.”

  The stupid pizza slice had me under its spell. I couldn’t take my eyes off the melted cheese. I sat there like a hypnotized rabbit in front of a snake.

  “The pizza’s really good here.” Ellen pointed at Ben’s plate and continued eating her salad.

  Maybe I should give it a try to see if I was really as sick as I thought I was. Maybe I was lucky and had recovered from my celiac disease by now, but I would never find out if I didn’t even try something containing gluten. But a little voice of reason whispered in my head, warning me that I shouldn’t take the chance. I listened to it and obeyed the words of warning. I pushed Ben’s arm aside. “Just drop it, will you?” Couldn’t this guy just shut up for once?

  “Yeah, leave her alone, man,” Erdie said, smiling at me encouragingly. At least one of them seemed to have some brain cells left.

  “Then don’t.” Ben took a big bite of his pizza and made delighted sounds while chewing. “This is so good. Sure, you don’t want some?” He held the slice in front of me again. “You don’t even know what you’re missing. We can work off those calories later tonight, don’t worry. I’d be glad to help you with that.” He grinned before shoving the rest of the pizza slice in his mouth. He could choke on it for all I cared.

  “Don’t spoil my appetite,” I snapped. All eyes were on me. I was the center of their annoyed attention. Somehow, I felt like Forrest Gump sitting on that bench, spouting what his bench mates perceived as slow-witted nonsense. I decided to ignore my companions and finish the meagre rest of my meal as quickly as possible, only to sneak away later with some excuse like, Screw you, Ben.

  Ben flicked a breadstick off my bowl, making it touch a whole row of lettuce leaves. Was he nuts? Everybody laughed; they all seemed to be on Ben’s side now.

  “Stop that crap. Don’t touch my food. What’s wrong with you?” I elbowed him, hoping I’d given him a bruise.

  “This is beyond ridiculous,” he declared, as he kept eating his pizza. “You’re such a princess.”

  “And now I remember why I can’t stand you.” With the tips of my fingers, I gathered the rest of the breadsticks off my bowl. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! What should I do now? The others had turned back to their food. They continued to exchange glances with Ben. Why with him?

  “Luca, aren’t you taking this a bit far?” Toby asked cautiously.

  I decided to ignore everyone and not take the bait. Instead, I peeled off the top layer of lettuce. The rest should be edible. I’d be on my way, as soon as I finished. Ben was dead to me. I speared some arugula with my fork and ate everything that seemed safe.

  “I like you much better like this,” I heard Ben mock. “Almost normal,” he added unnecessarily.

  “Shut up, Nowak.” I took a large sip of my wine and leaned back.

  The others were chatting about the party they were going to later, thankfully without me, when my stomach started to rumble. With a twinge of nausea, I tried hard to concentrate on the fake bouquet of flowers on the table. But then the first wave of nausea hit, and my intestines cramped up with a jerk. I groped for my wallet and put it on the table to pay my bill as quickly as possible, because I had to get out of here. The nausea intensified, and sweat was beading on my forehead. I desperately tried to keep the contents of my stomach in place.

  Ellen looked at me intently. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded. “I need to go to the bathroom, be right back.” Jumping up, I dumped over my wine glass. While the Lambrusco spread a dark purple over the white tablecloth, I hurried through the restaurant with one hand in front of my mouth. I wouldn’t be able to hold it in much longer. In panic, I looked around for the restrooms, but couldn’t see a sign anywhere, so I raced out the front door.

  26

  The first gush of vomit hit the ground right outside the pizzeria. Retching and choking, I stumbled around the corner to get away from there. My stomach contracted rhythmically, my eyes were blurred with tears, and my airway was blocked. I gasped furiously for air, while the bile burned its way up my esophagus. The cramps became more severe, and I had to walk bent over, supporting myself on walls, street lamps, and parked cars. Again, I threw up. With one hand clasped around a street sign, my body threatened to collapse. My stomach alternated between stinging pain and violent tearing sensations. I knew there was a taxi stand somewhere close by, all I wanted was to go home and lie down in bed. Doubled over, I staggered on until a vicious cramp forced me to my knees. The convulsion sensation worsened, as if fiery tongs were reaching down my throat to rip my guts out. Eventually, I fell over forwards and panted, trying to breathe through the pain, but it wouldn’t ease up. My arms and legs were numb, unable to carry me any longer. Slowly, I sank to the ground, scraping the asphalt with my fingernails, searching for support, while the pain literally crushed me. As if through fog, I heard a woman’s voice.

  “Can we help you?”

  I struggled to open my eyes. A lady was crouching next to me, looking at me with a worried expression. Next to her stood a man, but I only saw his shoes and pants. The wind seemed to call my name from afar.

  “A cab,” I gasped with my last ounce of strength, as I pressed my fist against my burning chest. “Please call me a cab.”

  “I think we’d better call an ambulance.” I heard the man say.

  I raised one arm. “No, a cab.” A little bile dribbled from the corner of my mouth, and the woman stood up. They were debating what to do.

  “She needs to see a doctor,” the man said under his breath.

  “You’re right,” she agreed, then someone shouted, “Luca!” through the streets, but I couldn’t move. My intestines were knotting up, as if someone were tearing me to pieces. The cramps
intensified, radiating into my thighs.

  Someone touched my shoulder, shook me gently, and I gasped for breath.

  “Luca, what’s wrong with you?” It was Ben, his voice was shaky.

  “Diet mistake,” I groaned, “nothing to worry about.”

  “Should we call an ambulance?” I heard the man ask again; the couple was still standing next to me.

  “That would probably be best.” Ben sounded terrified.

  “No,” I gasped. “They can’t do anything.” I paused and tried to breathe through another seizure. “It’ll go away on its own. Will... Will you take me home?”

  “You guys live together?” the lady asked.

  “Yes.” Ben knelt down and stroked the sweat-soaked hair from my face. “I’ll take care of her. Thank you.”

  “Okay.” The couple walked away, calling “Get well soon” in our direction.

  “Luca, God, I’m so sorry. Can you stand up?”

  I shivered on the cold pavement, while flashes of heat burned my body on the inside.

  “Yes, I want to go home.” I tried to lift my head up but felt too weak. Ben pulled me gently to my feet and held me up. However, the sudden change in position caused my stomach to contract in another jolt. I retched and retched while Ben supported me. Eventually, he reached under my knees and picked me up. Exhausted, I laid my head against his shoulder, my heart pounding irregularly against my ribs. I felt like I was going to faint. Over and over again, I writhed in pain.

  After a while, Ben said softly: “Luca, we’re at the car. Can you stand here for a moment so I can unlock it?”

  With my eyes closed, I nodded even though I wasn’t sure if my legs could hold me. My knees shook, and agonizing pain burned my esophagus. Ben set me carefully down on my feet, still supporting me, while he fumbled in his pocket for the keys. He opened the door, eased me into the seat, and then strapped me in.

  “Are you alright?”