Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  “Want one?” He held up the open pack, but I declined. Then he pointed to my empty glass.

  “Let’s move over to the bar so we can keep talking, and won’t have to go back and forth for more drinks.” Without waiting for my answer, he grabbed my hand and dragged me behind him before I had a chance to protest. At the bar, he ordered two more glasses of prosecco, and our conversation started flowing more smoothly. However, I had to prop myself up against the bar to keep from swaying.

  “You look amazing in your dirndl,” he said with an appreciative glance at my chest. “Are those real, or did you get help with a push-up?”

  “No, they’re all real,” I casually replied. Right now, I cared more about my drink than his babbling.

  “I wish I were your bra,” he whispered in my ear hoarsely, leaning in. Without any warning, he planted a kiss on my lips.

  I immediately backed away. “You’re moving too quickly.”

  “Your lips were asking me to.” He kissed me again before I could react, leaving behind a stale taste of ashtray on my lips.

  “Not so fast,” I scolded him with a heavy tongue, at which he held a fresh glass to my lips.

  “Drink up, sweetie.”

  I chugged half of the drink, while he put an arm around my waist and pulled me closer. No flirting, I admonished myself. I would avoid anything that might remotely encourage him to misinterpret my signals. I hesitantly stroked his chest with one hand, but didn’t like what I felt. He was very slim, if not to say bony, and didn’t feel half as good as Ben did. Being this close to him started to make me feel uncomfortable. As I tried to break free from his grip, my glass slipped out of my hand and broke on the cobblestones. Prosecco sprayed on my bare legs.

  “Ewww.” I used the accident to peel away from him; he was like an octopus. My head was spinning.

  “Don’t worry about it.” Leon signaled the bartender and ordered two Black Bettys.

  “What’s that?” I asked, as he handed me a glass full of a blackish liquid.

  “A Black Betty. Sort of a cocktail.” He toasted me, but I just stared thoughtfully at the strange concoction. Just as I was about to taste this unknown drink, I heard a familiar voice beside me.

  “What are you drinking?”

  Ben was next to me. Where’d he come from? “Ben!” I exclaimed ecstatically, trying to throw myself into his arms, but he stopped me.

  “What are you drinking?” he snapped at me instead. Brushing me off like that made my anger flare up again.

  “What’s it to you?” I hissed, but he wouldn’t budge.

  “Why can’t you answer one simple question? I want to know what you’re drinking.”

  I held my glass up. “It’s a Black Betty. Happy now?”

  “You’re not drinking that.”

  “Excuse me?” I must have misheard him. “Watch me.” I brought the glass to my lips, when Ben knocked it out of my hand. The contents splattered all over the place, hitting other people who turned toward us furiously.

  Ben ignored them; he seemed so mad. But so was I.

  “Are you crazy?” I hissed unsteady on my feet, as I wiped the sticky liquid off my arm.

  “That drink is made with dark beer, gluten, you know. It’ll make you as sick as last time in that pizza place.”

  “Don’t hit on my date,” Leon interfered.

  “Stay out of this,” Ben snapped at Leon before he gave me a piercing look. “You’re drunk. Why don’t you go home?”

  “Here.” Leon pushed his Black Betty over the counter towards me. “Have mine, I’ll order a new one. And you fuck off. It’s her own business when she goes home, and if she does, it’ll be with me.”

  “Aren’t you listening, moron?” Ben grabbed Leon by the collar. His eyes sparkled menacingly, but Leon pulled away and shoved him back.

  “Don’t touch me, or are you tired of living?” Leon suddenly lunged at him, swinging his fist, but Ben ducked and shoved him against the bar. “Keep your dirty hands off her,” growled Ben before he attacked him. They rammed into each other, and punches started flying.

  “Ben,” I screamed, when Erdie and Toby rushed over and threw themselves between the two.

  “Ben, chill out.” Erdie grabbed his friend from behind, under the arms, and pulled him away from his opponent, while Toby kept Leon at bay with both hands. “Stop it now,” Toby talked him down.

  Meanwhile Ben tried to break free from Erdie’s grip. “Let go of me! I’ll give that fucker…”

  “Calm down, man. What’s wrong with you?” Erdie held him in a vise grip.

  Leon pointed at Ben over Toby’s shoulder. “I’m gonna kick your ass.”

  Erdie pulled Ben, who was now flailing around wildly, aside while Toby tried to get Leon to calm down. I was standing in the middle of it all, my head was spinning, and I had no idea what had just happened.

  “You need to give it a rest, Ben.” I heard Erdie say in a warning voice. “Or do you want the cops to show up and take you in?”

  Ben broke free. His gaze fell on me. There was more anger in his eyes than I would have ever thought possible. Finally, he turned to walk away.

  Erdie grabbed Ben’s arm. “Where are you going?”

  “I need a minute.”

  But Erdie didn’t let go of Ben, instead the two exchanged a long look. Finally, Erdie raised both hands in surrender. “Okay, but I’ll call you later, and when I do, you better answer your phone. Got it?”

  “Yes, dammit. And now, let go of me.”

  “Ben!” I called out, wanting to run after him, but Erdie stopped me.

  “You better leave him alone.”

  “Where’s he going?”

  He shrugged. “No idea. Someplace where he can cool off; just let him.”

  My eyes filled with tears. “This is all my fault.”

  “It’s not your fault,” Erdie reassured me. “He just lost it; he’ll be fine. As for you, you should stop drinking right now.”

  I nodded meekly.

  Leon came over. “Now that that wacko’s gone, wanna have another drink?”

  “No.” I crossed my arms. All of a sudden, he reminded me of Jason in Friday the 13th.

  “Come on now, just one more. Don’t be such a lightweight.”

  “Didn’t you hear what she said? Go the fuck away.” As Erdie straightened up to his full height, Leon took a step back.

  “Alright, alright. Fine.” Leon strolled back to the bar to talk to a dark-haired woman who was standing there by herself, while I worried about Ben. If it hadn’t been for him, I’d probably be as sick now as that night at the pizza place. I sat down on a bench, away from the hustle and bustle, to avoid Rhashmi’s questions. She was already on her way over to me. Taking out my phone and staring at the dark screen, I debated in silence if I should call Ben. I dialed his number because I needed to know if he was okay. With trembling fingers, I listened to the tone, let it ring countless times, but Ben didn’t pick up. He had even switched his voicemail. Finally, overwhelmed with remorse, I lowered my phone. This disaster had only happened because of my stupid and childish plan. Only because in my wounded vanity, I’d wanted to put one over on Ben instead of talking it out with him like an adult.

  Caro sat down next to me, and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I just broke up with Martha.”

  “You did?” I asked, perplexed.

  “She cheated on me with Sarah,” she sobbed, pressing her face into her hands.

  I felt like crying right along with her and put my arms around her.

  “I knew about it,” I blurted out without thinking. “I’m so sorry.”

  She slowly sat up and looked at me dumbfounded. “What are you talking about?”

  “I caught them together at the gala.”

  “And you didn’t tell me?” She stood up and pressed both hands against her temples. My sweet Caro looked so hurt that shame burned through me to the bottom of my soul.

&
nbsp; “Martha wanted to tell you herself, and you had your thing at the gallery. We didn’t want to ruin that for you.”

  “Wow, aren’t you two just so generous,” Caro snapped. “I can’t believe that you, of all people, kept this from me.”

  “Please don’t be mad.” It was obviously my day for pissing everybody off. “Of course, I would’ve told you everything if Martha hadn’t come clean herself. But she owed you that confession, don’t you think? Maybe you can forgive her, or at least talk with her tomorrow, when you’ve had a chance to cool down.” I gave her a small apologetic smile, though I felt like a traitor.

  “You’re out of your mind. How am I supposed to forgive her?” She sank down on the bench again.

  “At least try. Martha really does love you.” I kissed her on the cheek. “Please give her one more chance.”

  Caro leaned her head on my shoulder. “Maybe I’ll talk to her in a few days.”

  “You should do that,” I whispered.

  “What about Ben?” she asked.

  “Ben will probably never speak to me again.” I stared into the crowd and flinched. For a split second, I thought I had spotted Konstantin among all the people.

  47

  Tired and hungover, I sat at the kitchen table and stared into my cup, watching the whorls my spoon made in the hot dark liquid and feeling lonely. Caro had spent the night at my place, but had gone home earlier. We spent the night nestled in the pillows and consoling each other while we each complained about our lost loves. This, unfortunately, didn’t help at all. Sometime early in the morning, I had heard the door click. Ben must have come home, because Ellen and Toby had gone to a club in Nuremberg intending to spend the night with friends. It was strange to think of him lying next door in his bed, while I was sitting here by myself, unable to think of anything else but him. I still couldn’t get over the fact that I had entertained the stupidest, meanest, and most immoral idea I could think of just to get back at Ben. I’d wanted to make him suffer the way he’d made me suffer.

  Ben’s door opened, sending a lightning-fast jolt through my body. Hastily, I sat up, trying to appear as normal as possible. I heard his footsteps come closer down the hallway, and he entered the kitchen without acknowledging me. He fiddled with the coffee maker then walked back toward the door. My throat tightened, and tears welled up in my eyes. I needed to talk to someone. Now. Maybe I could make Ben understand me if I told him what was weighing heavily on my soul.

  “Ben,” I said slowly, and he stopped in his tracks but didn’t turn around.

  “What?”

  It was obvious, he didn’t want to talk to me.

  “Remember when you said once that if I ever needed someone to talk to, you’d be here to listen?”

  “I do.” Ben finally turned around. His face remained so impassive that I couldn’t read him at all.

  “I could really use someone to talk to now.” I held my breath.

  He was reluctant to come back, but he finally sat down at the table and set down his coffee cup with a thud. Silence spread throughout the room, stretching on unbearably.

  “When…” I cleared my throat and stared at the wall as if a thriller movie were being screened there. “When I told you guys I’d never had a one-night stand, I lied.” I pulled a strand of hair behind my ear. “In fact, I did have one, six years ago when I was still in high school.” My voice broke in the wrong place, and I felt like I was about to burst out in tears right then and there.

  “Konstantin,” Ben said softly.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  We sat still, neither of us moving, while I didn’t know how to continue.

  “What did he do to you?” Ben asked, which started me sobbing.

  Tears flooded my eyes. Actually, I had intended to talk about this all cool and unemotionally, but the feelings overwhelmed me. I got up and went to the cupboard, took out a glass, and filled it with water from the tap. Breathing heavily, I pressed the cool glass against my burning cheeks before I made myself sit down again. Ben had waited for me silently, and he now looked at me intently. Something like concern glinted in his gaze, which touched me deeply. I had to gather all my courage to go on.

  “I was seventeen,” I whispered, “and still a virgin. The only virgin in my class, and it bothered me so much. One night, I was out at a club with two friends, and I met Konstantin. He approached me, and we danced. Konstantin was three years older than me, and all the girls in town had a crush on him. How proud I was that he’d noticed me that night.” I propped one elbow on the tabletop, leaned my forehead into the palm of my hand so I wouldn’t have to look at Ben. Shame burned in me like a blazing fire, nothing but shame. “He got a bottle of whiskey and apple juice. We mixed it and drank all night, partied till dawn. At some point, he asked me if I’d like to go to his place.” I raised my head in slow motion. “Of course, I knew where that was going to lead to. I wasn’t that naive, but I finally wanted to get my first time over with. To sleep with a guy so I could say it was done. Besides, by that time, I was so drunk I didn’t care anymore.”

  Ben had his forearms crossed on the tabletop and was listening quietly. His expression didn’t reveal what he was thinking, which made me even more tense. Yet, I kept talking. “We—we finally got to his place and had sex. It was terrible. He was rough and hurt me, and I just wanted it to be over so I could go home. After he’d finished, I got dressed and took off. As I left, he said, “Until next time,” but I just thought, we’re not doing this again, never ever. I spent two hours walking through the empty streets, blaming myself. How could I have been so stupid and have sex with Konstantin?” I drank some water. My mouth felt dry, and the tears I was swallowing burned in my throat. “The next day he called me and ordered me to his place. I told him to leave me alone and that the night with him had been a mistake. Shortly afterward, he texted me something. A photo, with a note that there was also a video. The picture showed us having sex. Konstantin had secretly set up a camera somewhere and positioned it in such a way that I was the only one in view. But his head was cut off by the camera, so I panicked. Later, he sent me another text demanding that I come over.”

  I wiped the tears that wouldn’t stop from my cheeks. They were dripping onto the tabletop. “So, I went back to his place and told him to delete the footage. But he just laughed and threatened to post the video online and make sure everybody at my school saw it if I didn’t do what he told me.” I broke off to collect myself. My heartbeat pounded painfully all the way to my throat. “In my desperation, I slept with him again,” I sobbed more than I talked and looked up at Ben. “You know, so he would delete the video.” It sounded like I was defending myself. He must have thought the worst of me now. Even though I had addressed Ben directly, he remained silent, which was perhaps better, otherwise this conversation would probably have ended in even more crying on my part. I fought the impulse to downplay the situation and decided to remain honest, relentlessly honest. “In the end, I let him do anything he wanted to me. Anything. Just so that nobody would ever find out. Afterward, he laughed and said that in the future, we would have a lot of fun together. I totally panicked and took off, ran through the streets, trying to figure out what to do. I couldn’t let him touch me again, and wished he’d just leave me alone. Then suddenly, I got so incredibly angry with Konstantin that I turned around and went back. I warned him that I’d go to the police if he didn’t stop and destroy that shitty video.”

  Meanwhile, I was completely in tears and could hardly get the words out. The memories pelted down on me like a dark hailstorm, making me feel very small, destroying every warm feeling inside of me, and leaving behind only pain and emptiness. I searched for the right words, not wanting Ben’s impression of me to grow even worse. What must he think of me now? I longed to bundle all these memories in a towel and throw it into the deepest spot of a lake, so they could never come back up to bother me again.

  “And then he beat me up and threatened to kill me if I turned him in.” Sudd
enly, my voice was gone; I couldn’t talk anymore. Instead, I grabbed for my glass with trembling fingers and knocked it over. The contents poured over the bare wooden table and collected in a shimmering trickle. Ben was still listening, so I went on despite my exhaustion. “I became so afraid of Konstantin that I did nothing except ignore his calls. A few days, later he posted the video online. He had even built a homepage for it, using my full name along with keywords like ‘big boobs,’ ‘giant tits,’ and other disgusting stuff. Everyone at school saw the website and watched me in action. My last years at school were hell. When I moved to Erlangen, I shortened my first name. I was so scared someone here might Google me. Like maybe one of the professors I wanted to work with. But I was lucky, and everything’s gone smoothly. No one from my high school applied to go here, so nobody knew me. But now, Konstantin is here.” I ended in a fragile voice. Even though I had gotten everything off my chest, I felt dead inside. It was humiliating and degrading to have confessed this ugly incident to Ben. I wondered what he thought of me now and dared a sideways glance.

  Ben sat motionless in his chair, staring at the blank wall. His features looked frozen, only his jaw tightened and his eyes narrowed. Why didn’t he say anything? He was condemning me. He had to be! Why had I told him everything? My heart thudded dully up to my temples, and my throat constricted, while I waited for Ben’s reaction. Anything. Eventually, he got up and left the kitchen without saying a word. He just left me there, all alone with my pain and shame. Was he going to go watch the video on the internet now?

  48

  Caro had been behaving very oddly lately, if not to say paranoid, in fact. After a few discussions, she and Martha were slowly getting back together, but Caro still didn’t fully trust her ex. At her insistence, I had let myself be talked into coming to Nuremberg to help her spy on Martha; which I found highly questionable and had told Caro so. Unfortunately, my appeals to her sense of decency hadn’t made much of an impression on her. On the contrary, she took my well-intentioned objections as an opportunity to reproach me for not telling her about Martha’s infidelity right away. Her accusations made me feel guilty again, and so I found myself sneaking through the streets of Nuremberg on a sunny, June day like a private eye, wearing a hat and sunglasses, to catch poor Martha in the act.