Begin Again: Allie and Kaden's Story

by Mona Kasten

  Kaden clenched his hands in fists against my back.

  “He started kissing me, but I pushed him off,” I blurted out. “I was afraid he’d push for more. He eventually left, but he wasn’t amused. After that his approaches were even more insistent. Like he had an insatiable hunger. He knew my parents had no idea. He knew I couldn’t bear to see my parents lose everything. So he kept coming at me. Eventually I felt like his voice had entered my head, like he was everywhere. I couldn’t escape his touching, his advances.” My eyes started to burn, but I suppressed my tears. “I couldn’t sleep anymore, couldn’t eat. I stayed at school as late as I could, and then I would hang out with friends at the mall or at their houses. Sometimes I’d go to the movies and sit there through the late show. I couldn’t go home anymore. He could be there, waiting for me. After I collapsed from exhaustion one day, my mother forced me to tell her what was going on.”

  I paused and took a deep breath. It was hard to talk about this. I’d never trusted anyone in this way before.

  “I told her everything. Everything Anderson had done and said to me, and she looked shocked. She asked me if he … ” I cleared my throat again. “If he’d raped me, and I said no. Then she asked if he’d forced me to do anything else for him. My answer was no here, too. He hadn’t hurt me physically. He just pushed himself onto me in a quiet, disgusting way. He robbed me of my security.”

  Kaden seemed to be holding his breath. I lifted my head from his chest to look at him. His lips were pressed together, and his eyes were burning with anger.

  “You’ve met my mother. She would never allow anything to ruin Dad’s business or the family’s reputation. She said, well, if he hadn’t raped me, then I shouldn’t worry. From now on she’d buy me new clothes that weren’t so revealing. Then I wouldn’t be tempting him.”

  Kaden drew in his breath. “She didn’t.”

  I sighed. “Yes. I told her how uncomfortable I felt and that I was afraid of Anderson. Afraid he would creep into my room again, and I wouldn’t be able to hold him off. I wanted to go to the police. But Mom didn’t let me. She said no one would believe me. After all, I didn’t have any bruises. She said I’d look like a liar. A liar who had dragged her whole family into the abyss. She said she’d keep him away from me, and that’s how it was. Until tonight.”

  “You let this guy off so he wouldn’t harm your parents,” Kaden said, with a dark expression.

  I shrugged. “What choice did I have?”

  “For God’s sake, you were only sixteen, Allie,” his voice shaking with anger.

  For a moment I just listened to Kaden’s fast heartbeat, building up the courage to continue.

  “I still avoided spending any time at home. Especially on weekends. Even Dad noticed my absence, but since he wasn’t supposed to know anything about the whole thing, I withdrew from him.” I laughed bitterly. “And Mom … at some point I couldn’t look at her face anymore. She’d threatened to sue Anderson, and after that he invested even more money into the company. He paid for our silence.”

  Now Kaden winced and pulled me closer.

  “I’m so sorry that you had to go through all this,” he murmured into my hair.

  “Actually, I thought I’d worked it out. I mean, I dated guys and tried stuff out. But seeing Anderson today and hearing my mother praising him has ripped open the wounds all over again.” I could still see Anderson’s face, his lewd smile. I shuddered. “Mom wanted me to be at the gala tonight. She knew he’d be there. The awardee is selected weeks in advance. She lured me into an open knife.”

  Kaden just shook his head.

  “I want to leave it all behind me once and for all,” I said with a sigh. Even if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders now that I’d confided in Kaden, I felt more vulnerable than ever.

  “Let’s go home,” I murmured after a pause. “To Woodshill, I mean.”

  Because that was home now. There was nothing left to keep me here.

  Kaden leaned back from me a bit and brushed my hair from my face. His expression was still dark and heavy. “If that’s what you want, we’ll take the next plane.”

  Chapter 23

  A radiant Rachel came out to greet us as we drove up her driveway early the next morning. Kaden had asked if we could stop to see his mother. After all, he’d missed the big holiday celebration with her.

  Rachel opened my side of the car before we’d even parked, and hugged me without saying a word. She avoided commenting on my puffy face and the dark circles under my eyes, but gave Kaden a meaningful look.

  The table in the living room was already set, and I sank into a chair.

  “Chad’s kids seem to find me pretty cool,” Rachel said, pouring coffee for us.

  “That sounds good,” Kaden said.

  “How old are they, anyway?” I asked, while stirring milk into my coffee.

  “Thirteen and seventeen.” Rachel sat across from me, clutching her own coffee mug. “I was pretty nervous, let me tell you.”

  It seemed like the most normal thing in the world, sitting here in this house. Having breakfast with Kaden and his mother. They both made me feel like I belonged, which made me feel even worse about ruining their Thanksgiving dinner together.

  “Sorry I was such a bother.” I just had to get it out, or else I would have burst. “I didn’t want that to happen.”

  Sitting next to me, Kaden rolled his eyes.

  “Don’t worry. It was an emergency, and Chad was very understanding. I’m glad your father’s okay,” said Rachel, reaching out from across the table to touch my hand. “Besides, it turned out the food was exactly enough for the four of us. I forgot how much teenagers can eat.” She chuckled. “Next time I’ll plan it out better.”

  Maybe she was just being polite, but I was grateful. Kaden stared gloomily into his coffee. He’d been tense since last night; his face hadn’t brightened at all. And he’d hardly said a word to me on our return trip. Of course he had to digest what he’d heard. But his withdrawal hurt. Especially since I’d hoped … no. I didn’t finish the thought.

  Rachel’s gaze wandered between me and Kaden, but she didn’t comment on our mood. Instead, she began to tell me about how she met Chad.

  After breakfast, Kaden disappeared to pack his belongings while I helped his mom clear the table.

  “He was so worried about you, Allie,” Rachel said. “I’ve never seen him this way.”

  How should I respond? Two days ago we had both insisted we were only friends. But I couldn’t deny my feelings anymore. I felt more for him. Much more.

  “It warms my heart to see him that way,” Rachel continued, smiling. I was about to ask what she meant when I heard Kaden clearing his throat behind me. He was standing at the kitchen door, shoulder bag in hand.

  “I’m going to freshen up,” I said and left the two alone. My cheeks felt hot.

  In the guest bathroom, I splashed my face with cold water, then pressed my hands against my cheeks, trying to get my emotions under control. I could not take much more of this. No matter what happened between us, I didn’t want to lose Kaden’s friendship.

  One, two, three …

  Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. Taking one more deep breath, I returned to the kitchen to say goodbye to Rachel, but stopped short when I heard a low murmur that reached the hallway.

  “You’ve misunderstood.” Kaden’s voice sounded cold.

  Rachel laughed. “You think I don’t have eyes in my head? I see how you guys are together.”

  “Sure, she’s cute. There may be some sparks, but we’re just friends, Mom.”

  My heart fell.

  “And may I ask why?”

  “No, you may not.”

  Kaden’s mother cursed. “I’m your mother, Kaden, I can ask whatever I—”

  “She’s got too much baggage, okay?” Kaden whispered. “I can’t
deal with it. And I don’t want to deal with it. I can’t be responsible for someone who falls apart so easily.”

  “Oh, Kaden. She’s not Kendra, sweetie.”

  “Let it go, Mom.”

  His words punched me in the gut. I couldn’t muffle my gasp, and their voices fell silent. Quickly I leaned down and slipped on my boots. Kaden and Rachel came out of the kitchen into the hallway. I looked up and managed a small smile.

  Kaden hugged his mother goodbye, and I did the same, thanking her once more before getting into the Jeep like a robot. I waved while Kaden steered the car out of the driveway.

  For the entire trip, I pretended to be in a deep sleep.

  While Kaden parked the car, I acted as if I were just waking up. We went upstairs in silence, and as he opened the door to our apartment, a feeling of joy spread through me, despite the throbbing pain in my heart. I was so happy to be back home. Here, everything felt right. As if I belonged right here. In this one place.

  “Do you want to take a shower? Otherwise I’ll go first,” Kaden said, setting down his bag in the hall. He pulled his shoes off and held out his hand for my jacket. I pretended not to have seen his silent gesture.

  “You go first,” I said and walked past him to my room, closing the door behind me and dropping my bag on the floor. A moment later, I heard the sound of the shower running.

  I unpacked my things in slow motion, throwing the dirty laundry in the basket and starting to clean up my room, trying to keep busy with anything, simply anything.

  The last few days had been an emotional roller coaster, and I had to be grateful to Kaden, and him alone, that I hadn’t fallen apart. He had come to me when I needed him most. He had listened to me and held me. I thought he wanted me to open up, to trust him with my story. I thought he’d felt the same for me as I did for him. I was wrong.

  So what was it that turned Kaden off the most? Was it everything that Anderson had done to me? My blind obedience to my mother and never pressing charges? Or was it my breakdown from last night?

  It didn’t help to worry about it.

  Kaden didn’t want me. That was clear.

  It was my own fault. After all, I knew from day one that Kaden wasn’t looking for a relationship. And until a few days ago I was convinced that we had to end whatever was happening between us, before we went too far and lost control. But I shouldn’t have worried—it was never part of Kaden’s plan to go any further.

  Still, it felt like cold claws were closing around my heart.

  Chapter 24

  The remaining vacation days dragged on. Dawn had called to tell me about her own Thanksgiving drama: Her ex had showed up with his new girlfriend. So I wasn’t the only one who’d had a terrible break. Today she’d be back in Woodshill, and I couldn’t wait to see her again, after spending so much time in bed watching TV series to distract myself.

  Kaden and I had been avoiding each other. We didn’t even drink our morning coffee together anymore. Each of us prepared our own, which was a real step backward for us. I’d seen him only twice since we got back, and both times he was just leaving the apartment.

  This radio silence hurt. On the first night it was hard not to go to him, whether he wanted me or not. I missed him and longed for his presence. My heart physically ached to be near him. But at the same time, it was clear that we were better off going cold turkey. We needed distance.

  And I had to get out of this apartment, even for just a few hours. When Dawn wrote that she was back in the dormitory and I could drop by, I dropped everything and headed over there. We could compare notes about our holidays and binge on candy. Nothing sounded better to me right now.

  The dorm wasn’t dead, but it was still pretty quiet.

  I knocked a couple of times on Dawn’s door; two seconds later it burst open.

  Confused, I froze and blinked.

  It wasn’t Dawn. It was Sawyer standing there. Kaden’s non-girlfriend, the one I’d run up against on my first weekend in Woodshill and never seen anywhere near our place since.

  “What are you doing here?” I blurted out.

  Sawyer didn’t look surprised to see me but just rolled her eyes. “I live here,” she said, stepping aside so I could enter. “Unfortunately.” She added.

  “If you can get her to stop crying, I’ll pay you.” She pushed past me and closed the door hard behind her.

  Stunned, I stared after her. So Sawyer was the weird roommate, the one Dawn was always trying to avoid. Unbelievable.

  I shook my head. There would be time to mull this over later. For now, Dawn needed my help.

  She lay curled up on the bed, with the blanket pulled up around her.

  “Dawn?” I ventured.

  “She’s nuts,” came her muffled voice from under the blanket; a corner lifted up, revealing a bit of Dawn’s face. She looked just the way I’d been feeling since Thanksgiving. Not great. “I’m not crying at all.”

  I knelt beside the bed and lifted a lock of chestnut hair from her forehead. “Are you just tired?”

  She shook her head.

  “No. I’m just hiding.”

  “From whom?”

  “The world.”

  I nodded and kicked off my shoes. “Is there room in your cave?”

  Right away she shimmied over and lifted the blanket so I could slip inside. With me lying next to her, she pulled the blanket over our heads.

  “You’ve got it good here,” I joked.

  Dawn’s cheeks were flushed, but she didn’t look like she’d been crying. Just pissed off.

  “What happened, Dawn?”

  She sighed. “It was a disaster. The idiot brings his new girlfriend along to the dinner at my father’s place. I could have killed him.”

  “Once an asshole, always an asshole,” I said.

  “That was my worst Thanksgiving ever. Hope yours was better.”

  I kind of wanted to tell Dawn everything—even about Russell Anderson and my breakdown. But even though I’d never trusted a girlfriend so much in my life—I couldn’t do it. Not yet. So I stuck to the story about mom’s phone call. And course I told her how Kaden had come to me, and even accompanied me to the gala.

  When I finished, Dawn sighed. “This guy is so into you.”

  “I wish,” I said, only then realizing how it sounded.

  Dawn sat up a bit. “So you have feelings for him?”

  I swallowed. “Yes.”

  “But that’s great, Allie!”

  “I overheard him tell his mother that I have too much baggage,” I blurted out, before she got too happy.

  Dawn’s mouth dropped open. “Say what?”

  “He told her he didn’t want to get involved with anyone who falls apart so easily.” It hurt to repeat those words aloud.

  Dawn slumped back, then pushed the blanket off our faces to get some air.

  “What a jerk.”

  I snorted. “You can say that again.”

  “What a-”

  “Dawn!” I interrupted her, laughing, and turned to my side. We grinned at each other.

  We spent the rest of the afternoon eating chocolate, gabbing, and sharing secrets from our past. Even though I couldn’t tell Dawn everything yet, and it was probably the same for her, I felt good. These hours had brought us together again. We were on the right path. It was me and Dawn against them all.

  “I think we should stop hiding, and go out to conquer the world,” Dawn said at some point.

  Now she was on her back, her legs stretched up against the wall. And I was lying on my stomach.

  “Conquer the world?” I raised an eyebrow. “You think we’re ready for that?”

  “Well, I didn’t mean today. But we could—I don’t know—do something.” She wiggled her toes and for the first time I noticed her socks didn’t match.

  Daw
n grinned at me. “So, are you in?”

  And how.

  For the first time since we’d known each other, Dawn and I were the same height—but only because she was wearing the highest heels I’d ever seen in my life, and I had to make do with my flat boots. She had lent me one of her tops with a deep neckline. Since I was bustier than Dawn, it was pretty tight on me. But who cared?

  We were fabulous, and the rest of the world—with its devious mothers, dishonest ex-boyfriends, and relationship-challenged Kadens—could suck it.

  Today we were going to go out and flout everything. It wasn’t that we were trying to numb ourselves, the way I always used to do. Quite the opposite. Dawn and I wanted to have fun and celebrate.

  We arrived at Hillhouse at exactly the right time. The line was short, and after flashing our fake IDs, we were let right in. Groups of people were standing around or dancing, but it wasn’t too crowded. We ordered cocktails and even found good seats at a table in the back, where we toasted to each other.

  “Let’s do Thanksgiving together next year,” Dawn suggested.

  “That’s the best idea you’ve ever had.”

  “We’re really—shit.”

  “Huh?”

  “Don’t turn around,” Dawn hissed and stared at me, doe-eyed.

  But of course I did.

  Monica, Ethan, Spencer, and Kaden had just come in. I wanted to look away and pretend I hadn’t seen them, but Monica had already spotted us and was making her way straight to the back.

  “Should we leave?” Dawn asked, but I shook my head.

  “We live together anyway. So hanging out here won’t make a big difference,” I mumbled, chewing on the end of my straw.

  “Hey you two—how are you? Have a good break?” Monica asked, as she reached our cozy table with the guys in tow.