Surrender (Cunningham Security Book 7)

by A. K. Evans

  Ignoring her reminder of my culinary flops, I opened the container and held it out to her. She took two cookies and ordered, “Alright, Leni. Lay it on me.”

  “What? What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “I always know when you have something on your mind that you need to talk about because you bake for me. I think it’s your way of letting me know you need me.”

  Wow. That was kind of creepy. Until she mentioned it, I hadn’t realized that what she said was true. But thinking back over the years, that’s precisely what I did. If I was coming in just to catch her up on things in my life, I brought myself alone. But when something was really weighing on me, I brought treats.

  When I didn’t immediately respond, my grandma surmised, “It’s about the boy, isn’t it?”

  “Grandma, I keep telling you that he’s not a boy.”

  “And like I said before,” she started. “Until he proves otherwise, he is. So, what did he do?”

  Taking in a deep breath, I held it, prepared myself, and blew it out. Then, I said, “Nothing specifically. And I think that’s what the problem is.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Two weeks ago, I told him I loved him,” I began. “He didn’t say it back, but we talked about it, and I thought he just needed more time. I was okay with all that because what he was giving me up to that point was more than enough for me. In fact, the things he did do showed me he cared in a way that words probably never would.”

  Grandma’s face softened as she chimed in, “Actions speak louder than words, my darling girl. Have his actions shown you something else now?”

  I nodded, feeling myself get emotional. “The night I told him how I felt was great between us, obviously after we talked about where he stood with things. But ever since he left my house the next morning, I feel like he’s grown more and more distant.”

  “In what way?” she asked.

  “In the way that I don’t really see him much,” I replied. “We both work hard, and I’ve been extremely busy the last two weeks. But I still would have set aside the time to see him. I still had the time to see him. We manage to connect on the phone, but that’s been about the extent of it. I’ve seen him once in the last two weeks. And because I’m craving that time with him so much, I even put in the extra effort and reached out to him to ask him if he had time to get together with me.”

  “Did he?”

  I shook my head. “He wasn’t able to meet me that day. Apparently, there is a case he’s been working on that’s been taking up some of his time at work. I understand that completely, but he has had stuff at work before that never resulted in him not finding any time to see me. I just know in my heart that it’s something else.”

  My grandmother, as she always did when she felt I needed her love and support, took my hand in hers. “And what do you think it is?” she questioned me.

  I shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. Him pulling away from me doesn’t make sense at all. At least, not if everything else he’s done and said was true. We talked and he said it would probably be a long road for him to get to where I am. I explained that I could be patient because what we had was enough for me. Given where I knew his head was, I’ve been trying to not push him for anything. I merely just want time with him that isn’t just about connecting with him physically, but also on an emotional level. I don’t have any intentions to pressure him about anything specific; I just want whatever he’s capable of giving.”

  Sadness washed over me as I took a moment to recall how much things had changed. When I spoke again, I admitted, “Sadly, I don’t think he’s in a place anymore where he’s capable of giving me anything. And I think that’s why I feel like I’ve reached that place where I have to make a decision.”

  My grandma squeezed my hand and recalled, “Didn’t you say his brother told you to be patient with him?”

  I nodded. “Yes. And even though I’ve never mentioned to Holden that his brother shared that with me, I made it clear to him two weeks ago that I am content to give him the time he needs as long as he’s giving me those little bits and pieces he has along the way. Unfortunately, I’m not getting any of that.”

  “Well, have you talked to Holden about this?” she pressed.

  Shaking my head, I mumbled, “No.”

  “You need to,” she ordered. “And don’t wait. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, you can. But it’s unfair of him to string you along like this. It’s quite childish, in my honest opinion. If he doesn’t want to be with you, he needs to be truthful and tell you. And if he does want to be with you, you need to stop hiding what you need and communicate that to him.”

  I felt myself grow somber as my eyes dropped to my lap and my heart physically hurt in my chest.

  “Why do you seem so sad?” she wondered.

  As a tear rolled down my cheek, I said, “I thought my heart wouldn’t lead me astray. I guess I’m just trying to figure out why when it seems like the things I want the most, people walk away from me. I already know it, Grandma. I already know he’s going to walk away. And it’s the moments like this that make me hate the fact that I always listen to my heart. Because when I do, I risk getting hurt this bad.”

  The next thing I knew, my grandma pulled me in for a hug. When she did, I let go of everything I hadn’t been able to with my practice and meditation over the last few weeks. As bad as it hurt, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be… in the arms of a woman who’d never turn her back on me no matter what.

  Hours later, when I was finally home and had put off doing what I knew I needed to do for long enough, I found Holden’s name on my phone and touched the screen. Two rings later, he answered, “Hey, Leni.”

  “Holden,” I murmured, already doing my best to fight the tears threatening to fall.

  I instantly heard the panic in his voice when he worried, “Are you alright?”

  “No,” I answered honestly.

  “Where are you?”

  “Home,” I replied. “And I really need to see you. Is there any way we can get together today?”

  A moment of silence passed before he responded, “Yeah. I can come over now if that works for you.”

  Now. He was going to come here now. And all that meant was that I was mere minutes away from doing one of the hardest things I knew I’d ever do.

  “That works,” I confirmed.

  Another beat of silence before he returned, “See you soon, sweetheart.”

  I choked back a sob just long enough to disconnect the call. As soon as I did, I let go of the tears I hadn’t shed in my grandmother’s arms.

  Sadly, when there was a knock at my door twenty minutes later, I still hadn’t stopped.

  I opened my front door and could just barely see the worry on Holden’s face through the blurriness in my eyes.

  “Leni, what happened?” he asked, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. He immediately wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug.

  For a long time, I didn’t say anything. I just held on tight to him and breathed in the scent of him. When too much time had passed without a response, Holden urged, “Sweetheart, you’ve got to talk to me. Are you okay? Is it your grandma?”

  I finally stepped out of his hold and moved to the couch. Holden followed and sat down beside me.

  There were so many things I wanted to say, and so much I simply wanted to avoid. But my grandmother was right. If I didn’t communicate what I was feeling with Holden, I couldn’t expect him to try and make any changes that would get us back on track. Unfortunately, I already knew that this wasn’t going to go the way I hoped it would. Perhaps my goal was for us to get back on track, but I had a feeling Holden wasn’t even close to wanting that with me.

  Knowing that, unsure of where to start, I blurted, “Do you want to be with me?”

  Holden slowly lowered his gaze and closed his eyes as he sighed.

  There was my confirmation. Without him even speaking a single w
ord, I immediately knew what his answer was. Even still, I felt I deserved an answer. After all that we had, I deserved at least that much.

  “I need you to give me the truth, Holden,” I pleaded. “I know I told you I’m a patient woman, and I really am. But I also told you that I needed just that little bit of something along the way. You’re not giving me anything right now.”

  “I know,” he replied. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not going to push you for more than you can give, Holden, but you can’t expect me to stick around when there’s nothing.”

  “It was selfish of me. I should have told you right from the start where things stood for me. It was unfair of me to keep it from you.”

  My eyes searched his face. “Whatever it is, I’d rather know now than to continue hoping for something that’s not in the cards for me.”

  Holden placed his hand on my thigh, gave me a squeeze, and assured me in a soft voice, “It’s in the cards for you, sweetheart. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me.”

  Disappointment moved through me. Even already knowing this was where this conversation was going to end up, the feeling of it was so much worse than I expected. “So, I guess that answers my question. You don’t want to be with me.”

  “Leni, I’m sorry,” he lamented. “I know I’ve said that already, but I’m not sure what else to say. You’ve got to know that it’s not you.”

  I wasn’t sure I believed that. This whole thing didn’t make much sense to me at all. He was so hesitant in the beginning with us, not really wanting to start anything. Ultimately, though, he seemed to move beyond whatever was holding him back relatively quickly. And once he gave me just a touch of who he really was, I thought he was the most amazing man I’d ever met.

  “Over the last two weeks, I’ve been purposely trying to keep my distance,” he shared.

  My lips parted in shock. He intentionally set out to do this to me. “What?” I whispered in disbelief. “Why?”

  A moment later, I knew I wasn’t going to like what he said because he took in a deep breath. “I did it because I needed us to get to this point, and I guess I was hoping that if you had some time apart from me, it would hurt you less. It was wrong of me to do that to you, but I couldn’t bring myself to just come out and tell you. I know it might not seem that way, but in all of this, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”

  “Is it something I did?” I wondered.

  Holden didn’t hesitate to respond. “Absolutely not. Leni, if there is one thing you take from this conversation, please let it be this. No matter what, I need you to know that this has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I think you are an incredibly special woman. I care about you a lot, but I’m not sure I can commit to you in the way you probably would like and in the way I know you deserve.”

  My heart was breaking with every word he said. “Why?” I asked.

  “Because a few years ago, I was engaged to a woman I loved who broke my heart in the worst way possible,” he revealed.

  Oh my god.

  Holden had been engaged.

  “Her name is Kristen. We were together for two years before I proposed. Eight months into our engagement, she went on a work trip. She worked for a fashion magazine and had to go out to some exotic location for a shoot. She was there for two weeks. And another two weeks after she returned, things ended between us. I happened to be at her place when she received a package delivery. She ended up opening that package right in front of me.”

  I felt like I was sitting on the edge of my seat just waiting to hear what this woman did to him.

  Holden didn’t make me wait. He said, “Kristen didn’t recognize the sender and had assumed it was a wedding gift from someone who wasn’t going to be able to make it to the actual wedding. As it turned out, it was a framed picture of her from the trip with a note attached. The note all but thanked her for the wonderful time on the trip. When I asked her what it was about, she told me that she’d been having an affair with her co-worker, who is one of the photographers, for the previous three months.”

  I gasped. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

  He shook his head.

  That was horrible. I felt awful for him and took a minute to consider everything he’d just shared. It suddenly all became clear to me why he’d been so wishy-washy with me. Hot one minute, cold the next.

  It all boiled down to one thing, though.

  This handsome, caring, and incredible man was simply insecure. It hardly seemed possible that someone like him could ever feel anything but confident; yet, somehow this woman had done that to him.

  But no matter what she did, Holden couldn’t go the rest of his life without finding someone who was going to make him happy.

  So, I asked, “What do you want?”

  His brows pulled together in confusion. “What do you mean?” he retorted.

  “In your life,” I began. “What do you want to have in your life?”

  He shrugged. “I know what you’re getting at, Leni, but it’s not that simple for me. I’m not sure I can take that risk again.”

  “What risk?” I asked. “Finding happiness? You don’t think you deserve to have that in your life?”

  His features softened, and he held my eyes for the longest time. “It’s not about that for me,” he began. “I’m just not cut out for opening myself up to the possibility of that kind of hurt again. Not only did it happen once to me already, but I saw it with my father. When my biological mother left him, he was shattered. And it took him a really long time to move past that.”

  “And I bet it was the love of a good woman who helped heal him,” I guessed. “There’s no way that Eva isn’t a big part of why your father is as happy as he was the day I met him. He might have been hurt, but he didn’t just give up on giving himself what he deserved.”

  I was feeling such a mix of emotions over all of this. Anger at what Holden’s ex did to him. Frustration that he was just throwing in the towel on finding a healthy relationship again. And sadness. Sadness because even if he believed before now that he could get hurt again, it upset me to think he thought I could do that to him.

  “If nothing else, I would have thought you knew what kind of person I am,” I said perplexed. “I don’t understand.”

  “Leni, I told you this isn’t about how I feel about you or what I think of you,” he insisted.

  “But it is,” I challenged. “You had something terrible happen. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. With your mom leaving and with your ex. But the fact that you won’t take a chance on me tells me you think I’m the kind of person who’d do that to you.”

  The minute the words left my mouth, something changed in Holden’s face. It was almost like what I’d said made him reconsider his entire stance on this whole thing. As quickly as it was there, it was gone.

  “Why did you even start this thing with me?” I asked. But suddenly feeling my anger creep back up again, I held my hand up. “Actually, don’t answer that. I already know. It was my fault because I offered you a no-strings-attached physical relationship. You were just taking what I was offering.”

  Holden’s hand immediately came up and wrapped around the side of my neck. “Don’t you dare try to insinuate that you were just available pussy to me, Leni,” he ordered. “That’s not what you were at all.”

  He was angry about what I’d said, and I knew that anger was genuine. But it didn’t matter anymore. So, as my eyes welled with tears, I rasped, “Well, right now it sure feels that way.”

  The tension coursing through Holden’s body was palpable. Every single muscle and body part was rigid and stiff. Except for his thumb. His thumb that was gently stroking over the skin at the front of my throat.

  Then, he spoke and the sound of his broken, husky voice nearly killed me. “How could you think that?”

  “I didn’t always,” I assured him. “That first week, I did. I didn’t blame you then because I was the one who offered a no-s
trings-attached affair when deep down I knew I couldn’t handle it. But just as I made the decision to talk to you about it and either end things or tell you I’d need something more, you called me up and asked me out on a real date. And it was the best first date I’d ever had. From that point forward, I knew you were holding yourself back, but I saw you trying to build something with me. I felt like I mattered to you. I thought my heart would be safe with you, and that’s why I allowed myself to fall in love.”

  Holden watched as a single tear left the corner of my eye and streamed down my cheek. When it fell from my jawline, he tried to comfort me. “Since her, you are the first woman I’ve truly cared about. You’re the only woman I’ve had to fight myself not to come back and see time and time again. I never meant to hurt you, and it kills me now to know that I did.”

  It wasn’t much consolation. On one level, it was hard not to believe that he was genuine in his apology. The part of me that could have faith that he was being honest was the part that refused to let go of the good that I had with him. But the other part of me was the scorned woman. And that’s the part that made trusting his words difficult. Because if he truly cared, why was he willing to walk away?

  “So, this is it then?” I deadpanned.

  Holden’s shoulders fell, and his body relaxed. But he didn’t respond.

  “Can I ask you one question?” I asked.

  He jerked his chin down in response.

  “What is your life going to be without any passion in it? How could you not want someone to love?” I questioned him. “Someone that would love you back.”

  “Leni…” He trailed off.

  “It might be safe for you to live your life like this, but what’s the point? We’re not talking about someone preferring to be on their own. You were engaged. You don’t just decide you aren’t someone who wants that in your life. This is about being scared to take a risk. About never being able to surrender to what you feel because you’re worried you’ll get hurt. Do you know where I’d be right now if I hadn’t followed my heart? Sure, I’d have my parents in my life but at what cost? I gave in to what my heart was telling me I needed to do, and I don’t regret that for a single second. If I’d have just listened to the sound logic, I’d be working at Ford Communications doing something I hated instead of loving what I do every single day. Never taking a risk isn’t about being smart, Holden. It’s not living. And it absolutely breaks my heart that you, a man who from the very little that I’ve seen has so much to offer to a relationship, would allow one person to take that away from you.”