We’d all gathered after the wedding at the hotel where we were spending the night. Leo and Eli, who’d never actually gotten to know each other until the day before the wedding, had hit it off; they had a little bit of a mutual admiration society going, with Leo telling Eli how much he’d loved watching him play, back when they were both in high school, and Eli returning the compliment by praising Leo’s current skills on the football field.
I’d felt torn as I sat there that night in the hotel restaurant. On one hand, there wasn’t any doubt that Nate was supremely happy, and that by sacrificing her own feelings, Quinn had given her friend a gift only she could deliver. Nate might only have a few months of life left, but he’d live those out as Quinn’s husband.
On the other hand, giving into Nate’s request meant that Quinn had hurt Leo so deeply that I feared the two of them might never recover.
I figured we were all thinking along the same lines, as everyone was quiet in our little booth. Clearing my throat, I spoke up.
“It was a nice ceremony, at least. I mean . . . for what it was, I guess.”
Gia looked up and me, her eyes dull, and nodded. “I guess.”
On the bench seat next to me, Eli snorted. “What the fuck, you guys? That was some kind of messed-up shit. I love Nate like a brother. We were roommates for four years, and I hate that his time is running out. But come on. What he did to Quinn, asking her to marry him now, that was just wrong. She’s miserable. Anyone could see it.”
He wasn’t wrong. Quinn had been anything but a glowing bride today. If anything, she’d looked as though she was going to her own funeral.
Leo, who’d been steadily consuming boilermakers all night, downed another shot and reached for his beer. He didn’t respond to what Eli had just said, but I could see the misery on his face.
“Hey.” I gave him a little kick under the table. “It’s okay, bud. You’re among friends. Don’t feel like you have to put on a happy face or any shit like that.”
He glanced up at me, and one side of his mouth tipped up slightly. “Thanks. But crying in my beer feels like too much of a cliché.”
Eli cast me a side-eyed glance. I could see the compassion on his face. “You’re going to get through this, dude. Focus on the good stuff. You’re playing for Richmond, come this fall. You’ve got amazing talent. One step at a time and all that.”
Leo gave a brief, humorless laugh. “None of that stuff has much meaning when the woman you thought would be at your side just married another man.”
“Leo.” I patted his hand where it lay on the table. “Have you thought about what you’re going to do? Will you wait for Quinn? Or what?”
“I’ll take the ‘or what’ option for a hundred, please.” Leo leaned back and dropped his head against the top of the seat. “All I know right now is that I’m going to get on a plane tomorrow morning and fly back to Richmond. I’m going to do everything I can to make it work on this team, to be who they need. To play the game.” He fiddled with the paper coaster under his mug. “And I’m going to do everything in my power to forget all about her. She’s made her choice. I need to move on. I need to get over her. It’s about fucking time, don’t you think?”
Gia sighed. “Do you really think that’s possible, Leo? Can we get over the people who hurt us, even though we loved them the best way we knew how?”
Leo sucked in a slow breath. He slid his arm around Gia’s shoulder and drew her closer to his side. When he spoke again, his voice had gentled.
“I’m going to do my damnedest to find out, G. And so are you.”
In the aftermath of Matt’s death, Eli and I had never gotten around to looking for an apartment. I’d been too overwhelmed with taking care of Gia; although Quinn was around, too, she had her own shit to handle.
As it happened, Gia had been too wrecked to finish her classwork that semester, so the college had kindly allowed her to graduate, with the understanding that she would complete her requirements in the fall. They’d also allowed us to keep renting our on-campus apartment until December. I had a feeling that some of Nate and Eli’s connections at the housing office had done us a favor, in light of Gia’s breakdown. However it had happened, I was grateful that I didn’t have to add relocating to my list of hard things to do this year.
Eli had moved in with us after he and Nate had given up their place, and between the two of us, we made sure that Gia attended class, did homework and managed simple things like eating and sleeping.
“It’s kind of like having a kid,” Eli observed to me one night as we got ready for bed. “Only a kid who’s got some major depression issues. And who is the same age as you.”
I laughed. “You’re not wrong.”
“Also, not that Gia isn’t pretty, but our kids are going to be gorgeous. And they’ll probably be smart asses, with you and me as parents. Not to mention geniuses like their mom.”
I’d been in the middle of bending over to pick up my socks on the floor, but at Eli’s casual reference to our hypothetical children, I froze in place, my heart thudding against my rib cage. When I straightened, I did it slowly, keeping my back to Eli so that he couldn’t see the expression of panic that I was sure was on my face.
When I didn’t answer him, he added, “Right?”
I gave a strangled laugh. “Sure. Hey, you know, I think I’m going to run downstairs and put in a load of laundry before I go to sleep.”
“Okay.” He sounded confused. “It’s almost eleven-thirty. And you just went on for ten minutes about how exhausted you are.”
“I got my second wind, I guess. Don’t wait up. I’ll just take a book down and read while I’m doing it.” I went into our bathroom and scooped up the basket of dirty clothes.
“Zel?” Eli called after me. “Wait a second.”
I paused in the doorway without turning around. “Yeah?”
“What’s wrong? What did I say?” He was bewildered, poor guy, and I felt for him, I really did, but right now, at his moment, I wasn’t in the proper state of mind to have a rational discussion. I just needed to flee. To be alone with my thoughts.
“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. You didn’t say anything.” I forced a smile and blew him a kiss over my shoulder. “Good night. I’ll see you in the morning.”
By the next day, I was able to brush off my late-night weirdness as just being tired. I wasn’t sure Eli bought it, but he didn’t force the issue, and for that I was glad.
Quinn had texted me a couple of days before, just a simple hi, how are you message, but in between the lines, I read what she wasn’t saying. She and Nate had lived with his parents in Eatonboro for a month before his mom began to drive Quinn stark raving mad. It was a tough situation; she understood that the Wellmans wanted quality time with their son during his final weeks, but Mrs. Wellman, in particular, was too anxious about Nate’s care to let go and allow Quinn to help.
The solution had been a move to the shore. Nate and Quinn were living in her family’s summer home there, which made them both feel better. Mrs. Wellman still came down to stay, but she wasn’t as on top of the couple as she had been.
Even though that part of life was better, I could tell that Quinn was lonely. While Nate was perfectly happy with only her for company, she needed more. She’d mentioned to me in one of our phone calls that Nate was sleeping more and more these days, and although she had a job, working online for a news agency, it wasn’t enough to keep her occupied.
When I’d told Eli about the text, he’d nodded. “I’ve been thinking about them a lot. I was thinking . . . maybe you and I should drive down there soon and visit.” He’d glanced up at me, his eyes filled with sadness. “It might be good-bye. And I’d rather say it while Nate’s still awake and able to hear me.”
We’d worked out a plan with Quinn to surprise Nate, which was why, two days after Eli had dropped the kids bomb on me, we drove the hour down to Ocean City. We hadn’t been here since Nate and Quinn’s wedding, and as we went inside, I wondered h
ow Leo was doing. With Quinn’s connection to him being tenuous at best now, I didn’t hear much.
Seeing Nate was . . . painful. He’d lost even more weight, and the shadows beneath his eyes were darker. But still, he seemed genuinely happy to see Eli and encouraged Quinn and me to go out and have lunch on the boardwalk.
Without too much debate, we ended up at Quinn’s favorite pizza place, a basic parlor with worn Formica booths and kids flipping dough in the open kitchen. The food was delicious, even if it was simple.
For the first half-hour of our lunch, Quinn and I both kept the conversation light. I told her about my work at The Food Jungle, which I loved, and about the ups and downs of living with Gia.
“And Eli?” She raised her eyebrows, leaning back in her chair. “I’m sure that doesn’t suck. Although maybe it’s a little weird having both him and Gia living with you now.”
I shrugged. “It’s not as weird as you might think. Gia’s so quiet now that sometimes I forget she’s around. She doesn’t exactly interfere with anything. And Eli . . .” I hesitated. “Everything is good, I think. He’s excited about his job starting soon.”
“Teaching at my old elementary school. That’s crazy.” She shook her head. “Have you two talked about what happens next? I mean, in December, when you all have to move out of the apartment at Birch?”
“We’ve . . . discussed it a little,” I hedged. “We’d always planned to get a place together. Gia’s planning to move to the city, since the TV station there agreed to defer her internship until January, and she’ll be starting grad school then, too.”
“But you and Eli will need an apartment on this side of the river, won’t you?”
“I guess.” I fidgeted a little. “It makes sense to do it that way, since he’s the one with the greater commuting challenge. I can drop him at school on my way to work, but if something came up and I couldn’t pick him up after work, he’d be close enough to catch a ride from someone else.”
“But . . .” Quinn prodded. “Something’s up with you, Zelda. I can hear it in your voice.”
“I don’t know.” I picked up my napkin and twisted it. “I can’t imagine being with anyone except Eli. He’s . . . he’s just amazing. You know how I feel about him.”
“You . . .” Quinn tilted her head. “You like him? You think he’s nifty? You’re hot for his bod?” She rested her chin in her hand. “You love him?”
I dropped my head back, groaning. “God, Quinn. I—I think so, but I haven’t said it. Neither has he.”
“Are you serious?” Her mouth dropped open. “You two have been inseparable for years, and you’ve never told Eli that you love him?”
When I shook my head, she rolled her eyes. “That’s crazy. Everyone can see that you love him, and Eli’s absolutely head over heels in love with you.”
“But he’s never said it. And I can’t say it first.” I touched the bracelet on my wrist, the one Eli had given me on our first official date. “I’ve made the commitment to be with Eli only. I changed my entire life, changed so much about me. I don’t regret any of that. But it doesn’t mean I’m not still scared of—this. I’m terrified that one day he’s going to realize that I’m not worth the effort, and then he’s going to walk away.”
“Zelda.” Quinn smiled at me. “That boy shows you the truth every time he looks at you or touches you or speaks to you. Maybe he’s waiting for you to say it first—or maybe he thinks he doesn’t need to say the words. He wants to move in with you. He talks about the future. He—”
“He started talking about kids.” I blurted out the words without meaning to say them.
“He what?” Even Quinn was startled by that.
“The other night. We were joking about how taking care of Gia these days is almost like having a kid, and he started talking about how amazing our children are going to be.”
“Oh.” Quinn covered her mouth, blinking rapidly. “Well, that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. And you’re worried that he hasn’t said he loves you? Please.”
“But I’m not ready to start thinking about kids or a family yet. I’m shocked that I’m okay with moving in together.” I steepled my fingers. “It’s so unlike me.”
“And yet here you are.” Quinn paused at the server delivered our piping hot pizza to the table. We each took a slice, and she blew on hers before she continued. “Maybe you’re getting all worked up over nothing, Zel. I mean, Tuck wasn’t asking you to get knocked up this month, right? He was probably talking about years from now.”
“What if I don’t want to have kids years from now either?” I hadn’t given the idea of children much thought. Hell, considering I’d never thought settling down with one guy was in the cards for me, the last thing I’d planned on was adding a baby or two to the mix. But I wasn’t certain that it was a good idea to procreate, given my mother’s mental health issues. What if that shit turned out to be hereditary? I’d dodged the bullet, but what if my child didn’t?
I couldn’t explain all of this to Quinn. She didn’t know about my mother; I’d always been intentionally vague about why I had been raised by my grandparents. Eli was the only person who knew my entire history.
“You don’t want to have children?” Quinn took a bite of her pizza, closed her eyes and moaned. “Holy fuck, this is good.”
“I don’t know if I do. Maybe not. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a mother.” I pinched off some melted cheese and wound it around my finger before I popped it into my mouth.
“Nah, you are.” Quinn spoke with totally confidence. “You’re definitely a mom type. Look at the way you’ve taken care of Gia and me the last four years. You’d be a spectacular mother.”
“Hmmm.” I wasn’t willing to go skating down that particular road yet. “Even if that’s true, I don’t see it happening for years. I have too much to do.” I took a bite of pizza, chewed and swallowed. “What about you, doll? You want a houseful of bambinos?”
Quinn immediately looked so sad that I regretted asking her. “Leo and I always used to say we did. I didn’t like being an only child, and he loves having brothers, so we wanted to have as many kids as we could.” She shrugged. “I think that’s a lost dream, though. Leo doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
I wished there was some assurance I could give her, some hope that she might be wrong, but I remembered Leo’s words from the night of Quinn and Nate’s wedding. He was planning to move on, and as much as I adored Quinn, I couldn’t blame Leo for this decision. His other option was to sit around, waiting for his friend to die so he could have another shot at his widow. It just felt wrong.
“Have you heard from Leo at all since . . . the wedding?” I tore my crust in half and began to nibble on it.
“Actually, yes. I saw him twice. It didn’t go well either time. He’s so angry at me, Zelda. So hurt. I understand it, but I wish he could see I didn’t have a choice.”
“We always have a choice, doll.” I made my voice as kind as I could. “The options aren’t easy all the time, but we can always say no.”
“I ran into him at the grocery store on the Fourth of July. We kind of got into a spat, and I told him that if he’d been the one dying and wanting to marry me, I’d have done the same thing.”
I winced. Equating Nate’s request with any proposal Leo might have made was crazy. For one thing, Leo and Quinn were in love with each other. In Nate and Quinn’s marriage, the romantic love was one-sided. I could only imagine how Leo had reacted to Quinn’s comparison.
“And how did that go over?”
She wrinkled her nose. “Not well. Leo told me that the difference was, he’d have never asked me under those circumstances.” She took a deep breath. “Actually, he said he’d never propose for any reason other than life-changing, heart-stopping, can’t-live-without-you love. He swore he’d never put me in a position where I’d choose to be with him out of pity.”
I could just hear Leo saying that, and I had to smile. “You know I’m a hard sell
when it comes to anyone deserving you, doll, but Leo . . . I think he may be a keeper.”
“But he doesn’t want me. Not anymore. And even thinking about him now seems wrong—it feels like if I do, I’m wishing for Nate’s time to be over. I would never want to do that.”
“Of course, you wouldn’t,” I agreed. “But you’re human. It’s natural to wonder what’s going to happen when Nate’s not in the way anymore.”
“In the way,” she echoed. “That reminds me of when we were kids. In some ways, it feels like our entire lives have been this struggle between Nate and Leo, with me in the middle, trying to do the right thing for each of them. But I always seem to fuck it up.”
There weren’t any easy answers to offer. The only thing I could give Quinn at this point was my love and my presence. Reaching across the table, I covered her hand with mine, and we sat together in silence for a long time.
Chapter Sixteen
Tuck
“Hey, Tuck.” Gia waved to me from next to her car. “Over here.”
I wheeled down the sidewalk that led from the school’s front doors to the curb. “Hey, Gia. Thanks for picking me up. I really appreciate it.”
“Not a problem.” I thought she might have smiled, but it was so fleeting that I couldn’t tell for sure. “Can you get into the seat? I’ll put your chair in back once you’re in.”
I transferred to the front seat of Gia’s small car, and then she folded my wheelchair and slid it into the trunk before climbing into the driver’s seat and pulling away.
“How did your day go?” I settled back, watching as Gia frowned through the windshield.
“Ah . . . same as always. Classes and then back to the apartment. I slept this afternoon for a few hours.”
Sleeping seemed to be one of the few pleasures in Gia’s life these days. I hated to deny her that luxury, but at the same time, I worried that it was indicative of depression. “You should be done with just about everything, right? You finished the course work you needed for graduation.”
Next Man Up (Making the Score Football Romance Book 2) Page 24
