Husband Hunters

by Rick R. Reed

  Yeah, it could be a good thing. He imagined coming home to someone else, making dinner, falling asleep in front of the TV with the Golden Girls theme as a lullaby. They would get a dog, rescue a feisty gal from the pound, whom they’d call Eleanor. Nights, she’d curl up at the foot of their bed and snore. They’d have passionate nights together, of course. And mornings, and afternoons, and early evenings… They’d grow older together and be there for the other at holidays, at celebrations and disappointments. At losses.

  Wasn’t this what Matt had always dreamed of? Wanted deeply in his heart of hearts? It was on his lips to say yes, to wonder when they should rent the U-Haul, when a knock sounded on his front door.

  It sounded strange, foreign in the still of the morning.

  Once again, Matt changed the subject. “Who on earth could that be this early on Sunday?” He glanced over at the clock on the nightstand and saw that it was only a little after nine. No one ever came to his apartment, especially not at such an odd hour.

  “One of your old flames?” Tre wondered. “Sniffin’ around for a booty call? I can’t blame him.” He had turned on his stomach and thrown back the sheets. A shaft of sunlight hit his bare ass just so, and Matt was, for a moment, enchanted.

  The knock sounded again, a little more insistent. Matt tugged on the boxers he had discarded on the bedroom floor the night before and pulled a T-shirt on over his head. “It’s probably the Jehovah’s Witnesses,” he told Tre. “I’ll invite them in and let them get a look at you lying there like that. Talk about the Glory of God!”

  Matt hurried out of the bedroom as the knock sounded a third time. He peered through the peephole and saw Cody standing outside. Even in this tiny, obscured view, the man looked like death warmed over.

  Matt paused, hand on the doorknob, wondering what Cody was doing here. Did they have plans that he’d forgotten? He was sure they didn’t. A wave of panic coursed through him, and Matt knew it was irrational. So what if Cody turned up when Tre was here? What business was it of Cody’s? Especially now, when Matt had given him the full scoop about their relationship.

  He was tempted to pretend not to be home, to turn and crawl back into bed with Tre, to let him make him forget.

  But Cody called out from the other side of the door, “I know you’re in there, Matt. Where else would you be? Church? Don’t make me piss myself laughing.”

  Matt opened the door an inch, maybe two, looking out at Cody through the crack. Chilly morning air rushed in, causing goose bumps to form on Matt’s arms and making him shiver. “What are you doing here?” He glanced back, expecting Tre to be standing a few inches behind him, grinning, hard-on pointing at his ceiling fan.

  But they were alone.

  “Can’t I stop by and see my best buddy?” Cody asked.

  The term “best buddy” made Matt want to slap Cody. Hard. Right across the face, then backhand the other side. He frowned. “What is it? Like nine? We have to get up early for school all week long. This is one of my few chances to sleep in.”

  “Well, I’m very sorry. But I wanted to talk. And—” He shrugged. “—I guess this couldn’t wait.”

  There was something pitiable in Cody’s expression that touched Matt’s heart. He opened the door wide. “C’mon in.”

  Cody passed by him, stinking of liquor and cigarettes. Since when did Cody smoke? Matt watched as he plopped down on the couch. “You look like hell,” he told him.

  “Good morning to you too.” Cody attempted a grin.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You got any coffee?”

  “I was gonna put some on. Hang on.”

  Matt veered off into the kitchen and took out a bag of beans from the freezer, his grinder from the cupboard, and his Brita pitcher from the fridge. Then he simply stood and stared at it all, as if he wondered how the ingredients for coffee had gotten there and how on earth he should put them all together.

  What was he going to do about Tre? If there was a God, Tre had by now fallen back asleep and would stay in bed until Cody left. Matt wondered why this even mattered.

  As if in response to his line of thinking, he heard a floorboard creak and then Tre’s sleepy voice. “Well, good morning,” he said. “I remember you. Cory, right?”

  “Cody.” Even from in the kitchen, even with just the mention of the single word, Matt could discern the tension in Cody’s voice.

  Suddenly Cody filled the kitchen doorway. His eyes were those of a wounded animal. Barely audible, he said, “I didn’t realize you had company. I’m sorry. Never mind about the coffee. I’ll just be on my way.” He turned and began walking quickly from the apartment.

  Matt went after him. “Cody! Wait! I wanna talk to you.”

  But it was as though Cody didn’t hear him or didn’t want to. He headed straight for the door and out through it. He left it hanging open.

  Taking one fearful glance at Tre, who stood there looking perplexed in a pair of fishnet Andrew Christian microbriefs that hid nothing, Matt went after him, rushing out into the cold autumn morning.

  “Cody! Wait up!” He called out something he knew was very stupid, even as the words emerged from his mouth. “It’s not what you think!” Now why would he say that? Psychological rationale aside, it was what anyone with half a brain would think. How could they not? Not with Tre in those male equivalents of Victoria’s Secret underwear. Matt shook his head.

  Cody had sped up and was actually running to his car. The pavement was rough against Matt’s bare feet and he was freezing, yet he didn’t have time to examine his discomfort or his panic.

  “Will you just let me talk to you?” It seemed so imperative to Matt that he have a chance to speak with Cody, even though he didn’t have a clue as to what he would say if Cody would just slow down and give him a chance.

  Turns out it didn’t matter. Cody rushed into his car, slammed the door, and started it up before Matt could even get close. He roared out of the parking lot, the seat belt buckle he had slammed in the door making sparks on the concrete.

  Matt stood and watched the car as it sped out of sight. “I love you!” he shouted after the car, knowing it was fruitless, but the words popped out. His heart sank. None of this made any sense.

  He turned and looked up. Tre was watching him from the walkway above. In the short time Matt had chased after Cody, Tre had managed to slip into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.

  Matt came slowly up the stairs, Tre watching him all the while.

  When they were face to face, Matt said the words lodged in his throat, knowing there was nothing else he could say. “I can’t do this.”

  Tre gently took his arm and led him back inside.

  Matt went into the bathroom, trying to slow his hammering heart, to push down the irrational tears he felt were on their way. “I’ll be out in a minute!” he called to Tre, even though Tre hadn’t said a word. He splashed cold water on his face and looked at himself in the mirror. Cody running away from him left a hole in his heart. A thought popped in his head from out of nowhere: a hole you thought had been filled by Tre.

  But the only hole that had been filled was Tre’s, and Matt knew, sadly, that wasn’t love.

  He emerged from the bathroom. Tre was on the couch, staring across the living room at the sunshine pouring in through the sliding glass doors. “It’s gonna be a gorgeous day,” he said.

  Matt regarded the sunshine with something like suspicion. It seemed wrong, so at odds with the turmoil of his emotions. He swallowed. “Did you hear what I said a couple of minutes ago?”

  “That you can’t do this?” Tre said, not taking his eyes from the view. Then he did turn slightly to look at Matt. “I heard you. But even if I didn’t, you chasing after Cody and telling him you loved him would have told me the same thing.” He gave Matt one of the saddest smiles Matt had ever seen.

  “I’m sorry,” Matt whispered. He sat down beside Tre on the couch.

  Tre sighed. “You don’t have to be sorry. You can’t help what y
ou feel.” He grinned. “I wish it was for me, and I thought I could fuck you into loving me…” His voice trailed off, and he drew in a big breath and let it out slowly. “But that didn’t work.” He shook his head. “It never does. But I never seem to learn that.”

  He gave Matt another of his smiles, so winning that Matt wondered why he couldn’t just make himself love Tre. He was a good guy.

  “It ain’t sex and love that go together like a horse and carriage. I have a lot of fun trying to make them come together, so to speak, but at my age and, ahem, level of experience, you’d think I’d maybe learned that sex and love are two different highways. It’s great when they converge, but there’s no making that happen.”

  They sat in silence for a while. Matt could hear the wind whipping around outside, the hum of the refrigerator. He felt silly and exposed, sitting there in his boxers and T-shirt, so he said, “Be right back,” and went into the bedroom to throw on some sweats and a hoodie.

  When he came back, he noticed Tre had put on his shoes. Somehow, he had a feeling there would not be pancakes this morning.

  Tre looked up at him. “Do we need to spell it out? Do you need me to say it for you?”

  “No, no, it’s just that I feel bad. I really like you.”

  “And I like you, Matt. You’re a sexy, hot man with a lot of personality. A catch, as my mom would say. I think I even love you a little bit, you bastard.” He was grinning, but Matt could see the dampness at the corners of his eyes. “Okay. I’ll say it. But you love somebody else. I knew that last summer. I hoped you’d gotten over it. But this morning, just that little bit of drama showed to me in spades you haven’t.

  “I don’t know how this Cody feels about you. But if his face revealed anything when he saw me here this morning, then I’d say there’s something there, whether you or he realize it or not.”

  “Really?”

  “I think you know.” Tre thought for a moment, then asked sadly, “Didn’t you ever mention me? Didn’t you tell him about us?”

  Matt wouldn’t be so cruel as to let Tre know that he’d first mentioned him only yesterday. “Of course I told him about you.”

  “But you didn’t tell him we were getting serious.”

  “Well, yeah, I did.” Matt shook his head. “I can’t lie to you. I have to admit I didn’t tell him about you until yesterday.” Tre deserved the truth.

  “I wonder why that is.”

  Matt nodded. “I think we both know.”

  They were quiet again. At last Tre stood. “I think I better be hitting the road, buddy.” He came over to Matt and kissed him lightly on the lips. “It’s been really fun. And even though it didn’t turn out to be all I hoped for, I still have some nice memories and some very hot ones to take along with me. So thanks for those.”

  Matt looked at him, staring into his eyes. “See? You’re too good for me. Why can’t you be an asshole and storm out? Accuse me of betraying you or something?”

  Tre grinned. “And make it on easy on you? No way, fucker.” He touched Matt’s cheek. “But seriously, I’ll always treasure our time together. While I’m jealous as hell of Cody, I’ll still force myself to say it.”

  He paused.

  “What?” Matt asked.

  “That I hope you two find each other. That I hope you can make it work out.” He crossed the room. On the TV stand was a framed five by eight photograph. It was the picture Tre himself had taken of Matt and Cody up at Picture Lake in Mt. Baker National Forest. He picked it up and put it gently in Matt’s lap. “Because if that doesn’t show two dudes in love, I don’t know what does. I knew it when I took it, which is why I should have left you alone.”

  He started toward the door. Matt called after him. It seemed he was calling after everyone today.

  But like Cody, Tre didn’t wait. He opened the door, letting brilliant light pour in. “Don’t say anything, okay?”

  Matt had been going to ask if they could still be friends. But then he realized Tre was in love with him and knew that wasn’t possible.

  He winced a little when Tre closed the door behind him, even though he did it softly.

  Matt looked around the empty room and wondered aloud, “What do I do now?”

  Chapter 19

  Cody was not an impulsive person. The racks near the checkout lanes at the grocery store did not tempt him. He did not go to a restaurant on a whim. Every dining establishment he’d visited had been carefully researched on Yelp and its own website. He agonized for months when it came time to buy a new car.

  For Cody, life was about planning, about knowing what came next.

  But now he had surprised himself. He sat at his computer, a little dazed by his impulsiveness. He had just booked himself a flight down to Tampa, Florida, for the very next morning. It was outrageously expensive, which was another thing Cody never did: overspend. On a site called Airbnb, he had found a vacant studio apartment right on Pass a Grille Beach that was sitting empty, as if it were waiting for him to nurse his wounded psyche and heart. It too was more than he could afford. But hey, that’s what credit cards were for, right? It was the American way. He had also lined up a rental car through Alamo.

  He had even sent an e-mail to his school principal, saying he had taken ill and figured he’d be out for at least a week. It was a good thing his doctor was also a friend and would be happy to fudge a little and write him an excuse, saying he had the flu. Or at least Cody hoped he would.

  He got up from his computer, stretched, and walked around his apartment. Ryder took this as a sign they were going out and ran excitedly toward the door, tail wagging so fast it was almost a blur. For the first time that day, Cody laughed.

  “I wasn’t planning on going out, buddy.”

  Ryder cocked his head as though he didn’t understand. “Oh, you know what I said.”

  Ryder scratched at the door and moved to the secretary desk where his leash was kept. “See? You’re just proving my point. You’re too smart to play dumb. Oh, what the hell.” Cody crossed to the desk and picked up Ryder’s red leash and harness. Ryder sat, his tail thumping furiously against the hardwood floor.

  Once outside, Cody questioned his sanity. Ryder tugged him down Stone Way, headed, Cody was sure, for Gas Works Park. What he had just done and the money he had just oh-so-casually thrown on his Visa were totally out of character. Penny-pinching parents had raised him. His mother reused paper towels, for crying out loud. His father never let a teabag fall into the trash without being dunked into a cup of hot water at least twice. Cody carefully considered every purchase, right down to a pack of gum. There was always the question his parents had taught him to ask: do I really need this?

  He called after Ryder, “Yes. Yes, I really need this.” And he did. He needed to get away. To clear his head. To be free of reminders of Matt. To just shake things up so he could get back to some semblance of normal.

  Seeing Matt with another man had turned his world upside down. In spite of the turmoil of his emotions, it had accomplished one thing—given him clarity. He could no longer pretend he didn’t care for Matt in that way. “Just friends” was no longer an option.

  Sadly, he knew he had come to that realization too late. “Lovers,” “partners,” “boyfriends,” or even potential “husbands” was no longer an option either.

  And Cody had only himself to blame for that. He had pushed Matt away over and over again, even when he knew what Matt wanted.

  Cody just hadn’t realized he wanted the same thing. He had thought it could never work. Matt wasn’t his type. He was goofy. Sure, he made him laugh. But so did the idea of the two of them as a couple.

  It was funny until it wasn’t. Once Cody had seen that Matt had really moved on, he realized what he had lost. A sexy, masculine guy who cared so much for him, who could make him laugh simply by doing something stupid like crossing his eyes, a man who was always there for him, no matter how Cody behaved.

  And he knew, looking back, he had behaved like a shit hee
l with Matt, making him his wingman as he sought out the best-looking guys Seattle had to offer. Every one of them left, but Matt always stayed. Old reliable. He was so comfortable, like a pair of worn and broken-in slippers, that Cody took him for granted, didn’t see his value.

  Until he was gone.

  Cody followed Ryder, who was moving so fast Cody practically needed to run to keep up, as they entered the paved trail leading up the grassy knoll in the middle of the park. Once they got to the top, Cody knew the view of the downtown skyline and the Space Needle would take his breath away. It always did.

  If he could see a view like that anew every time—wondrous, beautiful—why hadn’t he done the same for Matt? Why couldn’t he look at him and just know and appreciate what a great, compatible prospect he was? Especially when he knew Matt had fallen in love with him.

  Did he think Matt wasn’t good enough? Not handsome enough? Too chubby? Too bald? Suddenly those things that gay guys on the prowl online and in the bars found detriments, Cody saw as attributes, because they made Matt, Matt.

  Or was it the fear of taking their relationship somewhere different from the terrific friendship they had that caused Cody to pull away? This thought, he reasoned, had some relevance and resonance. He’d never had a friend like Matt, someone he could depend on so completely, someone who never judged, which made Cody unafraid to share anything with Matt. Matt knew all his secrets, his weaknesses, and his bad habits, and yet he still loved him.

  Maybe we only get one true friend like that in a lifetime. Cody did appreciate their bond; it was as strong and solid as a blood tie. He couldn’t imagine a life without Matt in it.

  He sat down on a park bench at the top of the rise, and Ryder settled in at his feet, sitting too, tongue out and panting. They both took a moment to appreciate the panoramic view.

  Cody’s head slumped as he took in the hand of cards fate had dealt him. Now he would have to imagine a life without Matt in it, which was why he needed so desperately to get away, if only for a week. Who knew? Maybe he just wouldn’t come back. Maybe he’d just start over, fresh.