Leaving Shades

by Leaving Shades (epub)

  Leaving Shades

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty-One

  Twenty-Two

  Twenty-Three

  Twenty-Four

  Twenty-Five

  Twenty-Six

  Twenty-Seven

  Next in Series

  Copyright

  Leaving Shades

  Gloria Cook

  One

  What magic was this? This was not how she remembered it all those years ago, the house and gardens, and the view down to the cliffs and the sea beyond. To her seven-year-old mind it had been always bleak and lonely, sinister even. How could it all now be breathtakingly clear, enticing, an enchanting multiplicity of colours? The magic at work today was an insidious magic, for what other explanation could there be for the banishment of all the cold creeping shadows she had known before? Even on a day as it was now, gloriously hot and in the height of summer, the smallest thing about her old home and its surroundings had seemed cold and disturbing and full of threat.

  Beth Tresaile did not want to find Owles House and the waters out in the bay to be an artful seduction of optimism and beauty. The waters, once inky and ominous to her, were a sun-sparkled and inviting greeny-blue, busy with bobbing pleasure boats, a few hardy fishing boats, yachts flaunting gaily coloured sails, and a distant ship or two. The taste of the tangy salt of the sea was on Beth’s tongue. She found herself breathing in the evocative scents of the newly mown lawn, of lavender and roses and dozens of other superbly healthy blooms. She was aware of the distant timeless wash of the cresting waves, and the gentle mesmerizing buzzing of insects close by. Altogether it was a dreadful beguiling harmony.

  It should not be like this! Not now, throwing the purpose of her return into confusion!

  She snapped her eyes shut, refusing to be drawn in or to listen to the peaceful sounds. It was foolish to have come back here. To this quiet place. This hated place. But she had really had no choice, for no longer was she able to ignore the memories of what had happened to her here. Memories that haunted her and refused to let her go. So here she was. Unannounced. With a mission. To seek the answers and explanations she deserved. And needed. And would demand. After fifteen years of absence she had returned to her mother’s house. To find out why, with such cold indifference, her mother had neglected her and then rejected her.

  Chillingly, her self-righteous anger did not count as protection while she was this close to her past and the confrontation she was seeking. In squalid murky glimpses, her mind replayed old frights and anxieties. Her stomach felt it was being dragged down into a bottomless pit and she could hardly swallow past the lump rising in her throat. Another moment and something huge and sinister from her nightmares might come and swallow her up and wipe out the remains of her carefully assembled confidence.

  ‘I don’t think I can do think this, Kitty.’ Beth kept one hand on the open door of her Ford Sedan – her link to the more comfortable present, her source of indignant withdrawal. Now it might become a hasty retreat.

  Kitty got out of the passenger seat and was there beside her. ‘You’ve come a long way, Beth, literally and emotionally. It’s what you wanted, remember?’

  ‘I know, but I was wrong.’

  ‘I understand. Yet it’s so important to you. Wouldn’t it be a pity to leave now?’

  ‘To run away, you mean?’

  ‘It’s what you’d be doing, don’t you think?’

  Beth sighed. ‘Yes, you’re right.’ She squeezed Kitty’s arm, thankful for her far-reaching advice, for being such a good friend. Kitty always gave support of exactly the right kind, at just the right moment. They were so in sync that strangers might mistake them for sisters. Both were poised with perfect posture. Both wore fashionable knee-length, tubular, drop-waist, cap-sleeved dresses and cloche-style straw sun hats. Both were good looking, although Kitty was outstandingly so with a graceful long neck, and a gleaming Titian fringe on show and soft waves that caressed her cheeks. Beth’s hidden hair was bobbed and the soft colour of butterscotch.

  Dredging up her lost determination, Beth’s Louis-heeled shoes crunched over the gravelled drive, formerly a small carriageway, until she stopped at the bottom of the three wide stone steps leading up to the front door of Owles House. The house was square and two storeys high. Its wisteria-clad walls were in perfect symmetry and today they seemed to go on and on up into the storybook-blue sky. The outside of the house, like the gardens, had always been kept in perfect order. The same could not be said about the interior.

  ‘I don’t suppose you remember much about the house,’ Kitty said, beside her.

  ‘Actually I do, even though I’ve tried to forget all about it. My private tutor, Miss Muriel Oakley – the spinster daughter of the parish vicar – talked about it a lot. Owles House had gone through some colourful history. It’s mid-Georgian, originally built for the captain of a packet ship, who was supposedly a shrewd smuggler. My father, when he wasn’t staying away for days at a time, worked the local tradesmen hard into keeping everything up to scratch. I had it drummed into me that everything had to be left exactly how I found it. I expect there’s some good stuff inside. I’ll say one thing for…’ She could not bring herself to say ‘my mother’. ‘For, um, Christina. She always had good taste in fine art.’ Good taste that had all too often been reduced to a mess of wall-to-wall smashed ornaments. Christina had quickly replaced them with more of the same – suitable antiques.

  Beth glanced back at the motor car. Before today the vehicle she had usually alighted from was the vicarage pony and trap. Miss Oakley, a plain, jolly type, always smelling nicely of roses, had collected and driven her home from her exclusive lessons. On winter days the daily excursion had been freezing cold and bleak. The vicar’s lady – very much in the mould of old Queen Victoria, from the pictures Beth had seen of her late Majesty – never spoke to Beth or even looked at her. If she encountered Miss Oakley with her solitary pupil, Mrs Oakley would refer to Beth as ‘that child’. Beth had come to bitterly resent what she saw as being treated like an urchin by the ‘bogus queen’. In later years Beth surmised that financial necessity in the vicarage had led to Miss Oakley’s genteel employment as tutor to the richest child in the area. Beth had tried to forget Muriel Oakley; ebullient she might have been, but the stooped, thin woman’s persona was also cloaked by an unfathomable bareness.

  At the end of each school day her mother had not been waiting at the door to take her little leather satchel and ask her how her day had been. There had been no hugs, no treats and no promises, nothing tasty for tea. And after a while, there had been no Daddy finally returning home and no mention of him. He had deserted his family. Beth had learned a few years afterwards that Philip Tresaile, known as Phil, had been killed in the Great War. Beth had been denied her daddy for much of the vital years of her young life, and it was all Christina’s fault, according to Grandma. Dear, wonderful Grandma, who had willingly taken over the task of raising her. And now Grandma was dead too.

  Marion Frobisher had been Beth’s maternal grandmother. ‘I’m sorry to say, darling Beth, I have no time for your mother, my daughter, my only child,’ was Grandma’s oft sadly related remark. ‘Not after all she’s put you through. Running off for days untold, drin
king herself to kingdom come, and finally ending up in a ditch for God only knows how long, then having to be thrown into the madhouse because she didn’t even know her own name. What kind of mother was that? A rotten, self-serving one is all I can say. She was a bad mother and a bad wife. When I think of how she treated your poor father – it was no wonder he was rarely at home. Well, you’re better off now with me. I’ll take the greatest care of you and we’ll have lots of fun.’

  Marion Frobisher had been true to her word. The rest of Beth’s childhood had been filled with the best of pleasures. She had been given lavish birthday parties, outings, visits to pantomimes and the theatre and holidays abroad, a lot of them joined in by Kitty; and there had been wonderful stays at Kitty’s house. Yet Beth had suffered terrible nightmares and as time went on she had probed her grandmother about why Christina had treated her so badly.

  Marion Frobisher had taken off her glasses and clasped Beth’s hands before growing very still. ‘Christina was born difficult and wayward. I swear your poor grandfather died young worrying about her. Soon after he died I took Christina down to Cornwall to help us both come to terms with the grief. We stayed at a hotel near Mevagissey and took the usual day trips to other parts of the coast. The minute we got to Portcowl she caused me even more trouble and heartbreak, not to mention the shame of it. It was there she met your father. He wasn’t in our league – his father owned a public house – but I found Phil to be quite charming. Christina was immediately smitten with him. I fretted about it because she was only sixteen, but I thought if I kept an eye on her then a brief harmless holiday romance might shake her out of her surly disrespectful ways.

  ‘But, of course, that wasn’t enough for her. She sneaked out to meet Phil as soon as I had retired for the night. She also flirted with Phil’s younger brother, Kenneth. It ended with a violent fist fight. Kenneth’s arm was broken. It caused a lifelong rift between the brothers. The parents saw Christina as nothing but trouble and they took Kenneth’s side against Phil’s. That was why you were never allowed to mix with your other grandparents and your cousins down in the cove and why they never came up to Owles House.

  ‘I was so ashamed but there was more to bear. Christina became pregnant. I had no choice but to give her the money to get married. She insisted on living at Portcowl. I knew her reason was to get far away from me, and her home here in Wiltshire. Your grandfather had left her a sizeable trust fund, and I agreed to let her have access to it to buy Owles House. Phil swore to me that he’d make her a loyal husband and be a good provider. I believe he tried his best but whatever he did was never good enough for Christina. He took a job in insurance. I was proud of him for that. But he often had to stay away from home and that didn’t suit your mother. She turned to drink. Why, I could never understand. She had a beautiful home, some standing in the local community despite her fall from grace – the vicar’s daughter tried very hard with her – and she had you, darling Beth, the sweetest little girl a mother could ever wish for. Well, your father put up with her rages and her accusations that he was unfaithful to her while he was away until he could bear it no longer. I believe he went off a broken man. I thank God every day that you didn’t have to endure your mother and her wicked ways throughout all your childhood.’

  I have more family in this area and I don’t even know what they look like, Beth thought. There was no point thinking about them. They wouldn’t want to know her any more than they did her father.

  ‘I wonder if there’s a dog here?’ Kitty broke the silence – Beth had stood silent and rigid for too long. ‘See over there, beside the summer house? There’s a ball and things.’

  ‘There might be. I’ve told you about the dog I had for company when I lived here.’ There had been Cleo, a gentle-looking German Shepherd. Beth had received much-needed affection and warmth from Cleo. If there was a dog here now, and if it was anything like Cleo had been, it would have barked on their arrival, so either it was old and deaf, or it was out somewhere with Christina.

  Although the house appeared to be empty Beth found herself praying that Christina was not at home. No, it would be better if she were. It was best to get this over and done with. To begin the process of laying the old ghosts and banishing the demons, which had become so important to her. Over and done with? Yet this could be the beginning of something even more painful. And what if Christina was inside, hiding away from her unexpected visitors? Christina had been expert at hiding away from people, from life, from her responsibilities.

  Beth took a couple of steps closer to her old home. A decade and a half had passed since she was last inside Owles House. She had shut out so many terrible memories. What might she remember? What would her mind dredge up from the past? Nothing too devastating, she hoped with all her heart.

  Of course, it was too much to hope for. She had been a bright child, had absorbed everything. She had retained it within her subconscious, from where it rose at will to taunt her. She had not forgotten, and never would, the raised voices, the violent voices. Or forgotten the swearing, the demands and accusations from both her parents’ voices. She had not forgotten the slamming of doors and breaking of glass, or her mother’s crying and sobbing and beating of fists against pillows and walls. Or the screaming – how her mother had screamed. Even now Beth couldn’t bear to hear the same sort of pandemonium, the same sort of hysteria. And there had been the horrible noises of her mother retching and being sick in the bathroom. The last time Beth had peeped nervously in there the floor had been littered with splinters of glass and broken tiles, the air choked with talcum powder and reeking of spilled cosmetics.

  Why was she risking the measure of peace of mind she had worked so hard to attain by coming back here? From dining table conversations between Kitty’s older brother Stuart and his university peers that Beth had listened in to, she had gathered that psychiatrists would produce some long name for the sort of thing that haunted her mind and tormented her soul. Such an expert would explain her needs to her after several sessions. Well, she didn’t need any sort of counsellor. There had been Grandma. She had lived with Grandma from the age of seven, after the authorities had contacted her. Grandma had been her source of comfort and wisdom. And from the day of starting at her new school up in Wiltshire there had been Kitty, who was full of compassion, energy and fun and who understood her completely. It was why Beth, who had first thought to come alone to Owles House and face her mother, had gratefully accepted Kitty’s offer to join her.

  Beth mounted the steps. Those three steps had seemed so steep to her young legs but were nothing now to her slender limbs. The steps peaked on to a terrace that carried on round each side of the house. Beth stared at the front door of ancient solid mahogany, with its heavy, highly polished brass knocker that even now figured prominently in her nightmares.

  ‘Are you all right, Beth?’ Kitty was worried her friend might crumble and run away, unable to face the begetter of her troubles now she was only a breath away. She was afraid to see Beth shattered once again, but now it would be so much worse. Kitty was ready to align herself to be Beth’s strength, to be her last bit of resolve. She pressed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ‘Don’t stop now. I’m right beside you.’

  Gulping down the sick feeling in her throat, shaking from head to foot, Beth whispered, ‘I’ve done this before, Kitty.’

  * * *

  She had stood at her mother’s door many times before. The young Elizabeth Jane Tresaile had waited until Miss Muriel Oakley had left the grounds before she entered the house. The little seven-year-old was afraid to open the front door before then in case her mother stumbled outside drunken and confused and made Miss Oakley throw her hands up in horror.

  The last day Elizabeth had found the door shut tight against her. She had tried the handle again and again but it had refused to turn. The heavy old door was locked. She had stretched up on tiptoe and had just managed to get two tiny gloved fingertips to lift up the heavy door knocker. It stuttered down on the old
wood, the door now a massive obstacle preventing her from getting safely inside out of the biting winter weather. The back entrance was always locked at this time of day. Anyway, her mother insisted she enter the house by the main door, as a young lady should.

  Elizabeth had waited and waited but her mother did not come to open the door to her. Elizabeth thought she had made too little noise with the knocker. Mummy had not heard her. She reached up again ready to use more effort when at the same moment a strong gust of wind howled up from the sea and the cliffs, rode up over the long lawn and struck Elizabeth on the back, and her head and legs. Her wool coat, fur-trimmed hat, scarf, thick tights and fur-lined ankle boots did not provide enough protection from the cruel force. Elizabeth had hugged herself and shivered fiercely. She was scared. The high winds had always terrified her, seeming to hound her even when she was tucked up in her bed, where she would cower under the covers. There was no use in calling for Mummy in the night. Mummy never came. She was always incapable because of the drink and pills she took. The sudden cold rush of air had seemed like a monster to Elizabeth. She had believed it was trying to rip off her hat so it could scream down her ears and freeze her brain, and then it would freeze the rest of her into solid stone. If she didn’t get inside quickly to safety the wind would turn her into a being of stone and she would be trapped for ever, never able to move again. Her heart banging inside her chest, Elizabeth had thrust up her hand yet again, made it to the knocker tap, then let the lump of shiny brass fall harder than before. Rap-tap, rap-tap, rap-tap.

  And still there had been no answer.

  She was locked out. Forgotten. Unwanted.

  But perhaps her mother had slipped to the shops to get her something for tea. Elizabeth had known she was fooling herself. Where was she? Elizabeth banged on the door with her knuckles. She banged until her knuckles hurt. Up again she had gone on to her tiptoes and reached for the heavy brass knocker, and let it bang down again and again. Desperation had clawed at her tummy. There was no barking. Where was Cleo? Then Elizabeth remembered. In the kennels! Mummy had taken Cleo there yesterday because they were about to go up to London to shop at Harrods for Christmas.