Patsy Murray

by Douglas E Roff

  “You’re in charge from here on out.”

  “Good, then the answer’s yes.”

  “Yes? To what?”

  “Dinner tonight, somewhere nice too. A real date. I need to figure out if you’re for real or an impostor.”

  “I’m new in town. Any ideas?”

  “Yep. Ballgame tonight, then Gastown so you can impress me with somewhere chic and romantic. Better not be shitty seats at the stadium either. The Rockies are in town, and I can’t afford good tickets.”

  “Chez Adam has the best chef, but if not available, I’ll find a place.”

  “Trying to seduce me?

  “Not yet. We’ve barely met blondie. You might be a hussy. Do I pick you up, or what’s the girl/boy protocol? I have a car.”

  Porsche?

  “Nope, Tesla. Brand new. The car is smooth and quiet

  “Unlike you with women.”

  “You’re rude. I like you. Can I be rude too?”

  “Yes, but you can’t be mean. No mean.”

  “You’re the boss, and by the way, no rude either. And I do like you. A lot.”

  “Let’s sit together with me in this getup and make fun of everyone who comes in. Especially the therapist. You’re Bonnie; I’m Clyde.”

  “Isn’t that backward?”

  “Exactly. I’ll put on a fake mustache. We’ll have Dr. Moore in counseling within the week. He’ll be begging us to go to another clinic. We’ll show him who’s boss around here.”

  “Who’s that?”

  “You or me; we can arm wrestle for that honor after dinner when we’re roaring drunk. That way I might win, and you might get lucky. We’ll see if you’re tough or if a frail girl can whip your ass.”

  “I don’t know; how good are you with whips?”

  “Don’t know; we’ll have to figure that out later too.”

  “What time?”

  “Pushy dude, aren’t you?”

  “Yep. Should I pick you up at …?”

  “Let’s say at 6. You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

  “Used to be but my other shrink cured me of that.”

  “How?”

  “Said ‘stop killing people, you fucking idiot.’ So now I’m working on my lesser bad habits.”

  “Depression?”

  “Worse. Might be you.”

  “I used to like you a little before you said that. Now I really like you. Let’s be buddies or pen pals. Letters, no email.”

  “Can I call?”

  “You already do.”

  “Wasn’t sure who I was talking to, my redhead or my blondie.”

  “Let’s go over to your place after group. Just talk, and you can make me lunch.”

  “In New York or here?”

  “Let’s start here.”

  “Our first date?”

  “Our pre-date first date. And, easy slim, you have a long way to go to win the first date with moi. Don’t get out over your skis.”

  “I don’t own skis, so that’s not a problem. This is really going well.”

  “We’ll see.”

  “You women and ‘we’ll see.’ Is that in a book only girls get to read?”

  “I want to keep you interested and eager. Off balance. Then who knows what might stir our imaginations?”

  “Popsicles in wintertime; English Pub fare; deep-fried caviar.”

  “You’d buy me caviar?”

  “Definitely. Just to watch you eat it. Fish eggs? Gross. I’ll bring chocolate ants too.”

  “And you?”

  “Hot dog and a beer. Just one. I normally don’t drink; just an occasional beer at baseball games.”

  Patsy said, “I just realized something.”

  “What?”

  “I like you too. And you almost called me your girlfriend.”

  “So? Probably a moment of weakness. Might be true.”

  “Maybe. Or maybe you want a girlfriend. Maybe you want me as your girlfriend.”

  “Do I have to admit it? Say it out loud? What about you? Not hearing anything about how you feel.”

  “What do you think?”

  “Answering a question with a question is not an answer. Yes, I would like to be your boyfriend. There, I went first. You?”

  “I’m still thinking about it. Maybe.” Something changed just then; it wasn’t what Patsy said, but the way she said it.

  Adam suddenly felt panicky, like he was no longer in control and something just went wrong. The banter should have continued, and Patsy was supposed to say she was interested too. But she hadn’t. He went defensive.

  “Maybe? Fuck you and your maybe. I’ll find a new buddy; you should too.”

  Adam stood up and walked away. He was angry and felt played. Why would she ask him about his feelings for her, knowing his trust and the fragile state of his emotional wellbeing? Either she was tone deaf, or he had badly misjudged her.

  Adam walked into Dr. Tolan’s office and got right to the point. “I need a new buddy. Patsy and I are not working out.”

  “Want to talk about it?”

  “She’s not the woman or friend I thought she was. She played me. She knows what I’m going through; I talk to her more than anyone. I opened up my most vulnerable part, and she stuck the shiv in where it hurt the most. The thing is, she didn’t have to. She asked about me first, then went cold. I can’t be around someone like that. I trusted her.”

  “Maybe she was just being honest.”

  “Then the subject and the questions should have been kept to herself. I was wrong; misjudged again. The wall’s going back up. I won’t be around someone who plays on my trust. Truth or not, honest or not, we shouldn’t have gone down this road unless she was ready.”

  “Feelings for her developing?”

  “Of course. What else?”

  “She doesn’t feel the same?”

  “Apparently not. I’m a fool. An idiot.”

  “If you say so.”

  “Don’t start Doc. I’m not in the mood.”

  “I shouldn’t say anything, but this one time I will. Patsy’s insurance runs out in a week. She’ll be leaving the program and going elsewhere if she can. She’s behind on rent, and I’ve been letting her stay here in our guest room. Landlord won’t let her into her apartment until she catches up what she owes. I think she’s frightened and scared and wants to run away. You might not want to give up on her so quickly. Maybe confront her and work something out. If you asked me, and this conversation never took place; she’s in love with you.”

  “She did this to push me away? Because of money?”

  “She’s here for grief and abandonment issues. Same as you. But she doesn’t talk about abandonment at all. Too painful. She pushes away when things begin to feel too good, too safe. She feels safe with you; so that must mean bad things are about to happen. So …”

  “All she had to do was talk to me. If I had to pick a hundred ways to end something for a dumb reason, even this would still be number one million.”

  “Go get her. Hold her and assure her. She’s in the guest room.”

  Chapter 9

  Patsy was on her cot, crying and wishing she hadn’t said what she said. She immediately recognized what she had done, and it wasn’t at all what she intended. She just wanted to go away and not burden Adam any more than she already had. Her life was still a mess; he was slowly knitting himself back to wholeness. She thought she was playing a part in that, as he was for her; the question of intimacy was still one she couldn’t face. Suddenly, there was Adam, standing right in front of him asking her to be more to her than just a buddy.

  She freaked. She froze. It was all of a sudden too real, and she wasn’t expecting him to be that honest that fast. He had leaped, something she wasn’t expecting, knowing his past and pathology. She all of a sudden felt trapped in her own cage.

  Adam knocked gently. “Patsy? You in there? I think we need to talk. I’m sorry
I got angry and left. That was wrong. Please say you understand and forgive me.”

  Patsy unlocked the door, opened it a crack, then ran to her cot and covered up with her top sheet. Adam walked in.

  “Can I sit next-a-by to you?” It was a word they had invented for sitting close without any hanky panky.

  “I guess. Hands to yourself, though mister. I have issues.”

  “I know. Maybe someday you can tell me more about them, and we can help each other. You know I’m a mess. I don’t trust women; afraid they’ll break my heart again. But I don’t feel like that with you. I promise I won’t make you say anything you’re not ready to say yet. I know how you feel about me, at least I hope I do. Actions speak louder than words. Maybe if we could just get past this little kink in the pipe, we could still be buddies. You’re my girl to me, and I’ll think of you as my gal even if it’s not true. But just in my mind. I hope you’ll someday want me to be your guy, but we can think like this for now.”

  “I have to leave. I can’t pay for treatment anymore. I’m running out of money to stay, and I can’t pay my rent. I was ashamed to tell you. I thought I would just run away - easier on you and me. Then I thought it would be bad for you, and I didn’t want that either. I was scared and frightened. You’re the best thing in my life. I ache when you’re not around and can’t see me. And I’m a coward who can’t seem to tell you how much you mean to me.”

  “Well, let’s fix some things right now. Then no more fears and worries about things that are already fixed.”

  “Like what?”

  “First I’m paying for your treatment from now on. This isn’t just free stuff. I don’t have time to break in a new buddy. It’s efficient.”

  “Good lie, but plausible and a soft landing for me. There’s more?”

  “We go to your apartment and collect whatever things you need.”

  “My landlord changed the locks. He won’t let me in.”

  “I can pick any lock, and if the landlord doesn’t like it, I’ll call the Mayor. He’s an old friend, and I looked up your building - numerous uncorrected code violations. I’ve called him to meet at your place. I’m certain he’ll see reason. Two squad cars are showing up. They can’t do anything, but they’re old friends, and their job is to look like badasses and scare your shit of a landlord into reason.”

  “I still can’t pay rent.”

  “Dollar a month at my place. You have your own room, bathroom and whatever else you need. I will hire you for a new project in development. And you will have to be my sober companion.”

  “You don’t drink or use drugs.”

  “I’m a mess, and I need someone to keep me on the path. And I miss your company when you’re not around. And I don’t have anyone to talk to, anyone real anyway, and I don’t like living all alone. You’d be doing me a huge favor.”

  “You’re paying me to be your friend.”

  “And babysitter, confidant, and part-time evil nemesis.”

  “Seems like excessive compensation.”

  “You haven’t moved in yet. I’m fussy and moody.”

  “Never noticed.”

  “I’m a mess, your mess, and I need your help. Someone to tell me when I’m acting out and doing anti-social things. Someone to care about me when I have no one else around. I’m alone in this world. You’re my friend. Seems like a fair trade.”

  “Will I be safe around you?”

  “Feel free to carry a gun if you think I’m dangerous. Lock your bedroom door.”

  “I thought you might have to lock yours.”

  “I have a Black Belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu.”

  “We’ll see how well that works out for you when you see my tits.”

  Patsy paused.

  “What about me? I may be crazier than you. Could be a cat burglar and international assassin.”

  “You seem kind. And afraid of creepy crawlers. No too worried about how dangerous you are. We can take care of each other. Plus, I cook and clean, and do all the shopping.”

  “I have a temper. I throw things.”

  “Good arm?”

  “Yeah, but no breaking ball. Can’t hit the curve either.”

  “Fortunately, we don’t have enough players for a team. We’re good.”

  “Where do I sign?”

  “I’ll make all the arrangements in the morning with our Institution and the bank.”

  “Can I come home tonight?”

  “Right after we get your things and deal with your landlord.”

  “Just get my things.”

  “And I need to ask him a couple of things.”

  “Like what?”

  “I speak to your single mom neighbors occasionally while waiting for you in the morning before group. You know how chatty and nosey I am. They said you were constantly propositioned by your landlord when you were late with rent. True or false?”

  “It’s in the past, and nothing happened.”

  “I’d like to believe you, but I don’t think your neighbors do. This isn’t rare; it’s predatory. So, please, true or false?”

  “I don’t want you to get hurt or burden you with more of my problems.”

  “If you want, we can go home, and you can leave this to me. Cops will be there. I told you that.”

  “What are you planning to do?”

  “Getting you a full refund of your rent and an apology in writing. Then I’m filing a complaint with the police. I’ll get this fixed up quick. No need to worry.”

  “But I will. I’ll be scared out of mind. He carries a gun.”

  “Then we’ll find out if its registered and if has a concealed carry permit. That’s state law. We’ll go on the offensive, Patsy. No fear. Let me help.”

  “I’m not that strong. And I’m a coward.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re strong, smart, beautiful, irreverent, a bit high maintenance, and a total mystery and conundrum to me. You know, an enigma wrapped in a tortilla and deep fried in a turducken. How could I not love you?”

  “Easy. I’ve never had a single successful relationship. I always subvert and sabotage my happiness and those of others. You want some of that?”

  “Sure. I was celibate for eight years. Which would you want?”

  “The eight years. Far less pain and destruction left in my wake.”

  “Well, then we have that in common. Win-win. Let’s not focus on the bad behaviors and past experiences; let’s create new habits, positive behaviors and find a way to channel our talents and peculiarities. You have them; I have them. Let’s use them.”

  “Sounds so easy, but I don’t think it is.”

  “Nothing worth doing is easy. You can choose to be whoever you want from now on. Or you can give in to your worst fears and instincts; those are defeatist self-fulfilling prophecies. Or we can be great together.”

  Patsy scrunched her face.

  Adam continued, “Your choice. No more running away. Face your demons and help me face mine.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “With you, I’m positive.”

  “You’ll watch out for me?”

  “Every hour of every day.”

  “If I trust you, you can’t break my heart.”

  “Goes both ways. I’ll look for new ways to make you happy every day. Be thoughtful and attentive. Be a better boyfriend than any other boyfriend ever.”

  “I’m sarcastic and have a sharp tongue. I’m selfish and self-centered. I always want to get my way. I’m a pain in the ass. I’m a mess.”

  “All positive attributes when dealing with me. When do we get to the negative stuff?”

  “I suck in bed. I can’t relax. I worry about everything. I seldom have an orgasm.”

  “A challenge? Tonight, I’m going to show you something, something amazing.”

  “Like I’ve never heard that before from a guy.”

  “Oh, don’t go sour on me, when I say amazing, I mean fucking
crazy amazing. The thing you think I’m talking about isn’t too bad, but it’s hardly my best attribute.”

  “Just to satisfy my curiosity, just how big. You guys like to brag.”

  “I don’t. But eight and a half.”

  “Millimeters?”

  “Very funny.”

  “Coming or not?”

  “Not. Just come home safely. No date tonight. Just popcorn on the couch and we watch Casablanca.”

  “Bogart and Bergman. Unrequited love.”

  “What would you watch?”

  “You’ve Got Mail, Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan with Nora Ephron directing. I always cry at the end. Sleepless in Seattle would be good too, and Notting Hill.”

  “You’re a girl, aren’t you? Sex change?”

  “Why?”

  “Chick flicks. You need to Arnold up a little there, bud.”

  “Arnold’s killed a hundred or so in movies. I’ve done it in real life. Don’t worry; I’m butch enough.”

  “I believe you.”

  “No, you don’t. That’s OK; I wouldn’t either.”

  ***

  Adam was home several hours later with a big bundle of cash, a letter in an envelope and big suitcase full of Patsy’s things.

  “You OK?”

  “Sure. You have five thousand dollars in cash, a letter of apology signed by that douche bag landlord. And all your belongings. May I make a suggestion?”

  “Sure.”

  “Let me put this suitcase in the dumpster and let’s say we go to Fashion Valley and get some new stuff. Keep your cash as your mad money. After you have your fifth or sixth orgasm, you may need to flee the scene. Cash will come in handy.”

  “Cocky, aren’t you?”

  “Double entendre. Nice.”

  “OK. Fashion Valley it is. By the way, did he cooperate? Did you just use your words?”

  “Yep. Then he used his words and his fists. So, he checked into City Jail. Free medical attention, and he’ll be out eventually.”

  “You said you wouldn’t.”

  “He was armed and threatening me, so all I did was break his nose. I could have done worse. Your influence is calming me already. I’m a slave to my passions. And you are my passion.”

  “No fights when we go shopping.”