Shifting Tides

by Caitlin Ricci

  “One beer! You had one beer!” Her grip on his ear tightened until he wanted to cry out that she was hurting him, but he knew better than to do it. She would just redouble her efforts. “And you drove home. How dare you drive after you’ve been drinking? Karl, come talk to your son. I can’t stand him anymore. We’ve given him everything he ever needed in life and now he turns his back on all of it by driving drunk.” She dragged him across the kitchen as his father’s large frame filled the doorway on the far side of the room.

  His father was larger than he ever had been in life, which was saying a lot. He filled the doorway and the acid reek of cigarettes rolled off him. “Boy, we’ve talked about this.”

  But we haven’t! Blaine wanted to scream. It was the first and only time he’d driven after having a drink with friends. Harry had managed to get his older brother Sam to buy them a six pack. There had been five of them. They’d all had one beer and given the extra to Sam as payment since none of them were old enough to buy liquor. It hadn’t even been enough to get any of them a decent buzz…

  “Blaine!” A voice shattered his dream followed by knocking. “Blaine, wake up, Seth’s here.” His grandmother’s voice rang out from the other side of his bedroom door.

  Rubbing his eyes, Blaine rolled over. “Give me a minute.” For a moment, he wished she’d shown up a couple of minutes earlier and saved him from the dream.

  “Thanks, Mrs. Dell. I’ll take it from here.” The closed door muffled Seth’s voice.

  “I’ll go fix some breakfast. Would you like anything, Seth?”

  “No, thanks. I ate when I got up.” Seth’s chuckle was deep. A few months prior and his voice had been high, almost girly. But it had finally changed, toward the end of school, making Seth happier than when he’d started shaving the previous summer. Both Seth and Blaine were ready to stop being considered kids and start being adults.

  Beyond the door were the muffled steps of Blaine’s grandmother moving down the hall. Blaine rolled out of bed and walked to his small three-quarter bath.

  “I hope you’re decent, ’cause I’m coming in.” Seth opened the door before Blaine had a chance to reply.

  “When has me being decent ever come into play?” He pushed the bathroom door mostly closed so he could pee in a little privacy. It wasn’t like Seth hadn’t seen him naked in the locker room at school. Blaine knew that Seth didn’t care about seeing him. Seth was arrow straight.

  “Hey, dude, your grandma’s just down the hall.” Seth dropped his voice. “I’ve gotta make it look good.”

  “Sure, whatever.” Blaine flushed to toilet before turning to try and flatten his hair. “So why are you here so early?”

  “It’s not early.” Beyond the door Blaine’s computer chair creaked, indicating that Seth had settled into it. “It’s nearly nine. I’m still not used to our summer schedule. I’ve been up a couple of hours. I thought we were going to hit the skateboard park today. Last chance for a week. You do remember that we’re going to the annual family campout day after tomorrow?”

  Blaine picked up his toothbrush and frowned at his expression in the mirror. How could he forget the camping trip to Assateague? Even though Blaine wasn’t officially part of Seth’s family, they’d been friends since before kindergarten and did everything together. Seth’s folks had been like his second set of parents, even before his own had cast him out to live with his grandmother. The camping trip was going to be his next chance to see Seth’s cousin Angela. He’d been working up his courage for months to tell her how pretty she was. She wasn’t a classic beauty, but there was something about her that just called to him. To him, her beauty came from inside and he wanted to get close to her and find out if she was interested in him too. The family campout was the best time to do that. He’d be able to find an excuse to go off with her and talk, just the two of them. The very thought of it gave him butterflies.

  “Of course I haven’t forgotten.” Blaine squeezed toothpaste onto his brush. “I just have other things on my mind.”

  “More of those dreams?” Seth’s voice softened.

  “Yeah,” Blaine replied around a mouth full of toothbrush.

  “Dude, I still can’t believe your mom had such a meltdown over just a beer. I mean, it’s been months and she still won’t talk to you.”

  Blaine waited to reply until he’d spat out the toothpaste. “Gran said that Mom and Dad are getting divorced. Mom blames it on me.” Blaine splashed some water on his face and finally felt like he was ready to meet the day. When he thought about his mother’s reactions to everything, he started wondering how much of her failings in life in general she blamed on him. It didn’t seem fair, but he had learned most of the time, life wasn’t fair.

  “Shit. When did that happen?”

  “Last night was when she told me.” He strolled out into his room.

  Sure enough, Seth was sprawled in Blaine’s computer chair. “That explains why you had another dream.”

  Blaine shook his head and went to his closet. “Not just another dream, several of them. All night I kept reliving the day she…they threw me out. Her screeching got worse each time it replayed. This last time I got lucky and you showing up cut off Dad’s rant before it could begin.” He quickly changed from his sleeping shorts into the baggier cargo shorts he liked to skateboard in.

  “Too bad I wasn’t earlier.”

  “Hey, you didn’t know I had news last night.” Blaine found a Minion meme T-shirt and pulled it on. “I didn’t feel like talking about it.” He frowned as he grabbed an old, faded pair of blue deck shoes. “Gran didn’t come out and say it, but I think part of the problem with them is me.”

  “The drinking thing. Jeez. I know your uncle died in a drunk-driving accident, but that doesn’t warrant the explosion you endured. Your mom went completely mental on you.”

  Blaine carried the shoes over to the bed and sat there since Seth was in his computer chair. “We’ve been over this several times.”

  Seth shook his head and sighed. “I still think it’s nuts that adults can’t be as accepting as kids are. So what if you’re pan? It just opens up your opportunities. I think it’s great. If I thought I could suck a dick, I’d be pan, but dude, it’s just not me.”

  Laying back on the bed, Blaine picked up one of his pillows and lobbed it at Seth’s head. It caught him square. “And I’m really sure that all the gay guys at school are thankful they don’t have to join forces with the girls against you.”

  “Hey, what’s wrong with me?” Seth picked the pillow up and shook it out with a look on his face that said he couldn’t decide if he was going to throw it back at Blaine or not.

  Blaine laughed. “Seth, you’re my best friend—if we were girls, you’d be my bff—but sometimes you’re a real idiot. Particularly when it comes to girls.” He shook his head. “I can’t imagine what you’d be like with boys. Do me a favor and just don’t try.”

  “Okay, I won’t. Hell, you haven’t even tried yet. I just know you say you’d be comfortable with either. That’s it’s the person inside that’s attractive to you.” He shrugged and stood. “Don’t you have to get past the physical attraction before you can get to the person inside?”

  “Sometimes.” Blaine wiggled his toes in his shoes, getting his socks to relax a bit and not be so tight. “But I’ve tried to explain this to you before, and you just don’t get it.”

  Seth punched him in the shoulder. “Right, I don’t understand, but you’re still my best friend.”

  “And you’re mine.” Blaine rubbed his shoulder for a second. Seth’s blow didn’t really hurt, but there was a slight stinging to it. “Now let’s go get some breakfast. I don’t want Gran getting upset because we took too long to get down there.”

  “I wonder if I can swipe a bit.” Seth followed him out of the room and down the stairs. “I ate earlier, but if we’re going to be boarding today, I can always use a bit more.”

  “You know, if you get fat, the girls will have even less use fo
r you.”

  “Nah, I’ll still be able to charm them, even if I get a gut. But I guess it’s a good thing Dad has the workout room in the basement.”

  “Yeah, lots of luck with the charming bit. We’ll ask La-La about how charming you are.”

  “You’re the only one Angela doesn’t break in half for calling her that.” Seth sat on the stair rail and slid down. “I just realized my cousin is a bit scary at times.”

  It took a lot of restraint for Blaine to not knock Seth off the railing. “Don’t let Gran see you do that.” He shook his head. “And La-La’s not scary. She’s kinda cool. All the tomboy stuff is just who she is. I think it’s great that she’s able to be herself like that. I think more people should stop worrying about that and just be free.” And I hope I can work up the balls to tell her that to her face.

  “And if she catches you calling her a tomboy, she’ll break you for that too.”

  “I doubt that.” Blaine allowed himself a soft grin. He grinned a lot when he thought about Angela. “I actually think she might like me.” The thick aroma of bacon hit him as they started toward the kitchen.

  “The way Aunt Claire is, Angela might freak out about the pan stuff. It’s hard to tell, but I know Aunt Claire can be nearly as flaky as your folks were.”

  “His mom’s not flaky,” Blaine’s grandmother said as they entered the kitchen. “Catherine’s just a bitch. She never had the good sense God gave a turnip. How that woman came from my loins I have no idea.” She walked over and kissed Blaine on the cheek. “Seth, I went ahead and cooked a few extra slices of bacon for you along with two pieces of toast. I figure you can eat a bacon sandwich with Blaine as you two walk down to the skate park.”

  “Thanks, Mrs. Dell.” Seth smiled at her.

  “You’re a growing boy. At this point, you’re a bottomless pit.” She picked up her blue jean purse where it sat on the table near the back door. “Blaine, I’ve got a few errands to do. If anything happens, call me. Try not to break anything while you’re out.”

  Blaine sighed softly enough she wouldn’t hear. His gran worried more about him when he was out doing things like skateboarding than his folks ever had. It was often hard to take. “I’ll try not to, Gran. If anything happens, Seth will call you.”

  “I’m sure he will. Lock up when you leave.” Then she was gone.

  “You know your grandmother’s cool, don’t you?” Seth said.

  “Yeah, and it’s more than just because she’s an old hippy. She took me in when the folks threw me out. I’d do anything for her.” Blaine fixed his sandwich, not bothering to add anything other than the bacon to the toast.

  “My folks think she’s great, although my mom still wants to sit yours down and scream at her for a while.”

  “Don’t think that Gran hasn’t already done that, several times.” Blaine shook his head. It was something he never thought he’d live to hear and something he was growing very tired of. “Look, I’d rather not go over this again. I’d like to forget the nightmares. I’m hoping the camping trip will help with those. My folks never went with us to Assateague. It was always just your family there. It’ll be great.” And Angela will be there.

  Seth finished putting his own sandwich together and took the first bite. “Yup, great.” He mumbled around the bacon and toast.

  Chapter Three

  Going to Assateague Island at the end of summer break every year with his family was a no brainer. They’d been doing it since before Adam could walk. A week camping on those dusty sands and being surrounded by wild ponies had always been what he had looked forward to most as soon as school let out. They swam, made s’mores and laughed until the fire died down sometime right before dawn. It was perfect. It always had been.

  And this was the year Adam felt like he was going to mess it all up because he was tired of hiding who he was. Months after knowing he was really a boy, Adam was finding it impossible not to say something and he simply couldn’t do it anymore. Coming out to his family on vacation was probably not his best idea, but there was something really tempting about them not being able to just kick him out of the house the instant they found out, if it came to that. They’d have to think about things for a little bit. That was time Adam hoped they didn’t need, but that he was counting on being there if they did. It was going to be a big change for them all. He was sure of that. It was a huge change for him, realizing who he really was and wrapping his mind around it. But after they thought about it Adam was sure they’d see how it all made sense and that everything was going to be just fine now.

  “Angela! Are you finished packing yet? We’re leaving in an hour!” his mom called up to him from the bottom of the stairs. Adam’s door was open so certainly he could have heard his mom if she’d just talked normally instead of screaming at him like a frustrated banshee.

  “Not yet!” My name is Adam, he wanted to call back to his mom. The name was practically begging to be said. He had been thinking about it all summer break. He had even practiced writing it a lot since that first evening, hundreds of times now. His fingers had somehow seemed eager to leave behind the name he had been given, with its loops and curls, and instead take on the name he had chosen for himself a few months before.

  It was simple, masculine and somehow beautiful to him. Just saying it made him smile. It was such a small thing, a name, but it meant so much to him. Once he changed it legally—which he had every intention of doing—he would no longer be Angela Sophia Marglasey. He would be Adam. He hadn’t chosen a middle name for himself yet. Adam really didn’t see much point in them anyway. But he’d still be a Marglasey. He loved his parents and he didn’t want to stop belonging to them for anything in the world. He simply had to start being himself for a change, and not whatever he was now. Because pretending to be a girl all the time was slowly killing him and he was tired of it.

  “Hurry up then! You don’t want to be late for kickoff!”

  No, he definitely couldn’t miss the start of his family’s annual summer football game. If him coming out went well, maybe he would even get to play next year instead of being delegated to the sidelines to hand the guys water and make sure there was enough bean dip ready for everyone when they were done rolling around in the sand.

  Adam should have been packed last night. He had been told enough times to be ready by seven and it was nearly seven-thirty. He pulled his duffle bag out from underneath his bed, which was unfortunately covered in bright pink flowers, and went to his closet. Pushing the doors open, he scanned his options. Adam instantly dismissed the skirts and anything even remotely girly. It wasn’t hard to do, since he’d already pushed most of those clothes aside to get them ready to donate the moment he and his mom got back from the beach. Assateague was only an hour away, but he still had to hurry to make sure he was there in time to say hi to everyone before they went off to do their own things, then later they all would all come back together for lunch and the football game.

  Refocusing on his closet, he yanked down T-shirts, a hoodie his mom said was much too big for him, and a bunch of pairs of shorts and jeans. He was overpacked for a week on the beach, but that was fine by him.

  His bathing suit, however, was not fine. The color wasn’t the problem, since it was black—it was more the fact that it was a bikini top. Adam cringed as he pulled it out of his dresser drawer. He’d go without a bra and pretend that he’d forgotten one. He didn’t really absolutely need one yet anyway. The bikini bottoms were absolutely not going to be coming with him, either, though. Hell no. It was bad enough that he had to wear the top. His mom had said it was cute with its little ties. He would have rather worn a sports bra. Unfortunately he didn’t have any. What he did have, which he was so freaking glad about, was a pair of loose board shorts. They were black, like his top, but he wouldn’t have cared if they were bright neon yellow. The point was they weren’t feminine in the least.

  He gladly tossed them into his old duffle bag and slung it over his shoulder as he came down the stair
s to find his mom waiting for him by the front door.

  “Angela, sweetie, don’t you want to wear a little makeup? You’re so much prettier with a little color around your eyes. Let me get you some mascara. And then we can put your hair up too. You’ll look great.”

  Adam shook his head and grabbed for the doorknob. “No thanks. I’m good. I’ll just…” He needed to come up with something plausible. “I’ll put some on when we get there. We’re already running behind. Can’t be late.” He gave her his biggest smile and thought he was home free, but she still managed to get a sparkly butterfly clip into his hair. He might not have minded it, probably, if his hair wasn’t so freaking long. Adam couldn’t stand it as it fell down his back. It was so much work. He couldn’t wait to just cut it all off. Maybe he would even shave his head. That would be awesome. The total change would really throw people off and be completely freeing.

  They loaded the last of their things in his mom’s old SUV. The cooler, a ton of beach towels, their tents, and his duffle bag were all shoved into the cargo space. Adam grabbed a water out of the cooler, and a bag of chips that would serve as his breakfast, then they were off with his heart pounding in his ears. He was too excited to sit still. Too happy to keep it in. And too scared to back down. Adam would finally come out to his parents this week. They’d know who he really was. And, he was sure, they’d love him anyway. He would finally be their son.

  Adam was looking forward to going to school dances in a suit, and wearing pants and shorts for his school uniform rather than the skirts girls were forced to. He would get to sign his chosen name on his tests and papers. And when he walked down the hallways, he was sure that guys would call out ‘hey, man!’ to him. Maybe he would even try out for the soccer team. Maybe…just maybe…he would even get on it. He would really feel like one of the guys. His mom would come to cheer him on, just like she had during his short stint as a cheerleader, which she had encouraged wholeheartedly and Adam had only really done to make her happy since she’d been a cheerleader as a teenager too. And being on the squad hadn’t been bad—he’d made some good friends, like Heidi. He’d even had a bit of fun at first until he’d been thrown off the team for punching one of the other girls for being racist to a black girl who had bumped into her in the hallway after first period. Ironically, the black girl had been put on the cheerleading squad right after the incident. He’d been suspended for two days, as well as getting thrown off the team, and it had been completely worth it. And Heidi was a great friend to have and had called him her hero for the longest time. He wouldn’t change a thing, although his mom hadn’t been too happy about him getting kicked off.