Shifting Tides

by Caitlin Ricci

  The second he came back out of his tent there was more stuff to do, and it always had to deal with food or water. This time Adam was stuck running water bottles to everyone, as if they couldn’t walk ten feet to keep themselves hydrated. The only person who so much as looked at Adam, or smiled at him, or even acknowledged the fact that he was handing them a bottle of icy water, was Blaine. And his smile had Adam grinning for a full five minutes until his mom caught him and asked him what he thought was so funny.

  * * * *

  As per tradition, that night right after sunset they all sat around the low fire they had all built together and they made s’mores with the good chocolate Uncle Jerry insisted on using because he couldn’t stand anything that was less than twenty bucks a pound or something like that. He’d ranted three years ago about cheap chocolate ruining a perfectly good s’more and since then they had always used the pricey stuff. Adam really couldn’t tell the difference but he wasn’t about to argue over chocolate. That just seemed stupid.

  And, as they always did during the first night of their camping trip, they went around telling something each of them were proud of that had happened since the last time they had all been out on the beach together. It didn’t have to be a big thing, and really it didn’t even have to be something any of them were proud of. It was more a chance to share in case any of them wanted to.

  Adam thought of it as his perfect chance. Everyone was there, though admittedly there weren’t that many of them, and he was sitting between his parents with his legs crossed in the sand. Aunt Amy went first and Adam took a deep breath and tried to keep his nerves at bay. He just had to wait a little while, then he could tell everyone his big secret and everything would be amazing. Adam knew that he was less than ten minutes away from everything changing in his life and he could hardly sit still as he forced himself to wait.

  “John and I are going to be adopting another dog,” Aunt Amy said as she took her husband’s hand. Seth looked shocked, like he hadn’t been consulted at all. But Adam got that, because the last dog they’d had, Winter, had been Seth’s and she’d had to be put down right around last Thanksgiving. He’d been a mess all through Christmas. But after a moment he looked happy and Adam knew it would be okay by him if they got another dog.

  Uncle John laughed. “Well, I guess that’s our big share for this time. I did get a minor raise, if that counts. But that our family is ready for another dog is much bigger deal than my increase in pay, I think.”

  Seth went next and Adam was starting to get impatient. “I have a crush on a senior girl.”

  Adam rolled his eyes. When didn’t he have a crush on some girl or other? That wasn’t news.

  “She’s too old for you then,” Uncle John said quickly. Aunt Amy nodded. Adam’s parents didn’t have any opinion on Seth’s dating life one way or the other. Neither did he. Blaine just sat there, shaking his head. His shoulders were hunched forward as he drew pictures in the sand. He was next to Seth, on the other side of Adam’s mom, so Adam couldn’t see what he was drawing. He kind of wished he could, though, or that he’d at least been allowed to sit next to Blaine for this, but his mom had insisted that he sit beside her instead.

  Seth started to argue with them but he quickly lost that round. She was eighteen, he was sixteen, his parents weren’t happy with it. Adam wasn’t sure why they put so much effort into arguing with him to begin with. Seth’s crushes never lasted more than a week or two. He’d probably forget all about her by the time school started again. Adam just didn’t see why they would waste the time arguing with him about something so insignificant.

  Blaine looked up when they’d quieted down. “Guess it’s my turn then. And, Seth, you stole what I was going to say. I like a girl too. She’s not eighteen, though. Little younger than me, actually. And she’s really sweet.”

  Adam had never really seen him blush before, and even though Blaine liked girls, and there was no hope in hell for them since he wasn’t one, Adam suddenly wanted to go find this girl Blaine liked so much and punch her lights out. Which was so freaking weird. But Adam couldn’t stop being suddenly angry about it either. Everyone congratulated him. It was like Blaine was part of their extended family. Adam would never claim him as such, because these feelings he was having flare up whenever Blaine was around would be gross then, but he could see why everyone liked him so much. Adam liked him too. Way too much.

  His dad’s turn came up once everyone was quiet again. “I’ve decided to transfer back to Maryland. To be closer to Angela.”

  Adam loved that he was coming back from Virginia. Seeing him more often would be really awesome. His dad put his arm around Adam’s shoulders and gave him a sideways hug.

  “That’s going to be so great,” Adam said, smiling up at him. Maybe when his dad was closer, it would make being a boy easier. He’d be there when boy questions came up, and Adam knew they would from time to time.

  “I’m glad you think so. What do you want to share?”

  It was his chance. Adam’s turn to share his big secret, the one he’d been hiding deep inside for three months and couldn’t wait to share. He glanced over at his mom. But she was too busy talking to Aunt Amy to notice him looking at her. So Adam licked his lips, took a really deep breath, and looked up at his dad. He’d always loved him. Adam knew that he shouldn’t be nervous about him still loving him once his dad knew the truth about him. Adam thought maybe he’d even love him more since they could play football together and he could take him to games. They would do guy stuff together, like rebuild an old car, like Adam’s dad had done with his father. It wasn’t a girl kind of thing to do, not according to his parents. But Adam wasn’t a girl and as soon as he said the words he was dying to let loose they’d know that too.

  “I’m not a girl. And my name is Adam,” he quietly told his dad.

  He dropped his arm from around Adam’s shoulders and stared down at him. “What was that?”

  Adam raised his voice a little, bringing the conversations around him to a standstill. “I said, I’m not a girl. I’m transgender. My name is Adam. I know it’s a big deal. But I’ve known for a while and…” Adam was still staring at him as his dad got up and walked away from him.

  His heart broke, and Adam swung around to look at his mom. But she was just staring at him. “Mom?” His throat tightened.

  “Don’t joke about this, Angela,” she snarled, her face becoming hard and alien. “That’s a cruel thing to say. Now, go apologize to your father. And stay in your tent the rest of the night. You’re grounded.”

  “My name is Adam, it’s not a joke, and I’m not apologizing!” Adam hated the way his voice cracked, or the way he shook as he tried to keep in his tears. “Mom, please. Just listen…”

  She got up too and a few seconds later she and Adam’s father were screaming at each other.

  Adam didn’t hang around after that. He didn’t want to hear them yelling at each other again. Not like they had when he was a kid before they’d gotten divorced. And he didn’t want to see everyone else staring at him like he was some kind of monster. He took off and fled down to the beach, sand flying around his feet as if it didn’t want to be anywhere near him either. When he was at the water’s edge, right where the sand started to get soaking wet, he slumped down onto his knees and dug his hands into those wet grains. The tide was low. For a moment, he thought about staying there until it came back in and drowned him. Adam knew he was crying as his shoulders shook and his vision blurred, but he didn’t care. They weren’t supposed to be mad at him. They had to still love him. He was their kid. They just had to. It couldn’t be over.

  Chapter Six

  Blaine looked at Seth, who shrugged. He glanced at Angela—no, Adam’s—back disappearing down the beach. A sudden sadness filled him at the family’s reaction. It didn’t seem right, but it also felt familiar, like how his own parents had reacted to his one beer.

  “What should we do?” Blaine leaned over to Seth and whispered. Around them the ad
ults were standing and arguments were breaking out.

  “I always knew there was something odd about that child,” Seth’s uncle Jerry said loudly. He took his new wife, Sarah’s, hand and pulled her to her feet. “I’m sorry this had to happen the first time I bring you camping.”

  “John.” Seth’s mother stopped where she’d started after Adam’s mother, Claire. “I could use a hand here. We need to sort this out.”

  Jerry glared at her. “What’s to sort out? We all knew there was something wrong with Angela. I’ve been telling Claire for years to stop indulging her tomboy ways and make her be a real girl, now she’s decided she’s a boy.”

  “Jerald, you’re acting horribly,” Sarah said. “This is a family member you’re talking about, not some strange waif on the street.”

  “No.” Jerry shook his head. “She’s not part of my family anymore.” He yanked Sarah’s arm and she yelped. “Come on. It’s too late to leave tonight, but I’m going to leave tomorrow morning.”

  Sarah flashed Seth’s mom a sympathetic look and mouthed, “I’m sorry,” then gave in to Jerry’s pulling and the two disappeared into their tent.

  “Wow,” Seth whispered to Blaine, “this might get my family on Dr. Phil.”

  Blaine rolled his eyes, but still didn’t want to get up and find himself in the middle of the family meltdown, even as his heart went out to Adam. “You really are an idiot.”

  “Sure, but look how my family’s acting.” Seth gestured to the adults who yelled and apparently didn’t know how to react to Adam’s announcement. “That one girl I dated…” He sighed thoughtfully as if he couldn’t remember her name. “She couldn’t get enough of that sort of thing. This stuff would be gold on that show.”

  “It’s tacky.” Blaine had been through his own family meltdown. He didn’t like the idea someone he knew was going to have to experience the same thing, all because he’d dared to tell the world who he really was. It wasn’t fair. Families were supposed to love one another, no matter what.

  “Look”—Claire’s voice hit a high-pitched tone that drew everyone’s attention—“I don’t care. I can’t deal with her right now. What am I going to say to everyone at school, at work…hell, at church? They’ll want to send her to the camp they run for these things. Maybe that would be best, get her out of this phase once and for all. Prayer is good for this sort of thing.”

  “You will not!” Seth’s mother shouted just as loud, but without the shrill level. “There’s nothing wrong with her…him. Get with the modern world, Claire. People are changing. Well, maybe not changing, but they’re finally able to really be who they are and not have to hide. You want Adam to be happy, don’t you?”

  “Angela! Her name is Angela!” Claire’s voice took on a hysterical quality. “I don’t know where she got this Adam crap from. Probably the Internet. There’s all sorts of stupid ideas running around on the Internet.”

  “And you’re allowing her to use it,” Adam’s father said. “This is as much your fault as anyone’s.”

  “My fault? My fault? You’re the one who abandoned us. What if she’s seen all the stuff I’ve tried to hide from her that I went through during and after the divorce? Maybe she thinks all women are weak and useless ’cause that how you made me feel. Maybe because of you, she decided she doesn’t want to be a woman and can get more out of life by being a man. Jeez, Steven, you’re such a pig.”

  “Me? I’m the pig? I wasn’t the one sleeping with the minister of our church!”

  “Okay, you two, stop it!” Seth’s mother’s voice rang out in indignation.

  It reminded Blaine of the time she’d caught him and Seth arguing over who’d caused a bottle of grape soda of fall off the table and stain the beige carpet. It wasn’t a tone he liked hearing. His heart went out to Adam, who’d just worked up the courage to make one of the biggest announcements of his life, and instead of being supportive about it, the adults around him spent all their energies fighting about whose fault it was that he was trans. He hoped he didn’t get like that when he grew up. He vowed to always be open minded and caring.

  “Boys, let’s call it a night,” Seth’s father said as he walked away from Adam’s parents. “Maybe we can get this sorted out and tomorrow we’ll get things back on track. We haven’t even gone to explore the island and see where the herds are before the round up.”

  “Is it okay if I go make sure Adam’s okay?” Blaine asked. He knew he’d do it even if he was asked to stay in camp. He’d been alone before during a time he didn’t want to be. He was well aware of what Adam was going through and didn’t like the idea of him going through it alone.

  Seth’s dad let out a long sigh. “It might be a good idea. Some parents we’re all being. Everyone’s more worried about how this is going to affect them, more than how this is affecting Angel—Adam.” He shook his head. “That’s going to take some getting used to.”

  “Yeah.” An idea hit Blaine. “I want to go grab my flashlight before I go.” He stood from the log he’d been seated on and started for his tent.

  “Hey, I should come too.” Seth trailed after him.

  Blaine unzipped their tent. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

  In the pale moonlight, Seth’s face wrinkled up in question. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re not real good with sensitive things.” Blaine went into the tent and dug into the borrowed bag.

  “What do you mean? I’m a sensitive guy.” A slightly offended tone colored Seth’s voice.

  Blaine found the flashlight and turned back to Seth, turning the bright LED light on right in his friend’s face. It caused Seth to blink and turn away. “Hey!”

  “You’re the sensitive guy who just made the Dr. Phil comment.” Blaine turned off the flashlight. “Stay here and listen to what’s going on. I want a full report when I get back. But as I go, walk with me over to the food coolers.”

  “Why?” Seth sounded a little put out.

  Blaine paused at the tent flap and grinned as an idea hit. “I saw what Adam’s dad brought with him and want some. It might help Adam calm down.”

  “Only if I get one too.” Seth fell into step. “It is going to take some getting used to, calling her”—he sighed—“I mean him, Adam. He’s been Angela for years.”

  “And probably not happy the whole time.” Blaine stopped at the table with several coolers under it. He didn’t want to turn on his flashlight and alert everyone to their presence, even if the shouting was still drowning out the surf’s gentle rolling. All it would take was one little mistake and they’d become the new target of everyone’s attention and he had no doubt that Adam’s folks would welcome the opportunity to get the spotlight off themselves and onto someone else.

  “What are you going to do about this?” Seth’s mother demanded.

  “Walk away!” Claire shouted. “I can’t have anything to do with her anymore. She’s your problem now.”

  “I don’t have time for this.” Adam’s dad yelled back. “You wanted her in the custody battle, now you have her. I’ve got my new family to worry about.”

  Blaine found the cooler he was looking for and took what he wanted, being sure to hand one to Seth. Adam needed someone to talk to, and would need a lot of support over the coming days. Blaine wanted to be there. Even if he had been working himself up to telling Angela that he was interested, the physical form didn’t matter as much as what lay inside and he still liked Adam for being Adam. That was all that mattered.

  Keeping his bounty tucked tight to his chest, he nodded to Seth and hurried off down the beach, hoping Adam hadn’t gone too far, but was far enough away to not hear everything that was going on at camp. No one should have to listen to their parents fight like that, and over them. And the hurtful things that were being said, that was so much worse.

  Chapter Seven

  Someone came up behind him and Adam looked over his shoulder to spot Blaine coming toward him. “Are you going to say I’m lying too?”


  “Nope. Want a beer? I took them from your dad’s cooler.” Blaine sat down in the sloppy sand beside him and Adam took the open beer from his hand. He had one too and took a big drink of it while Adam was sniffing his. “What’s wrong? Haven’t you ever had a drink before?”

  “Sure. Lots of times.”

  That was the first lie Adam had ever told him. He took a big drink, just like Blaine had, and ended up coughing on it. Blaine rubbed Adam’s back as he wiped at the beer he had spilled on his chin. “First time,” Adam quietly admitted.

  “No kidding.” Blaine wasn’t smiling. “So. Adam?”

  He nodded, almost dreading the question that was about to pop out. “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  He frowned down at the brown bottle in his hand. It wasn’t exactly a question he expected. “Why am I a guy?” That explanation was going to take a lot more than just a beer and a night to get through.

  Blaine shook his head though, and this time he did smile. But he still wasn’t looking at Adam. “No. Why Adam?”

  “Oh.” Adam chewed on his little lip. “Because… Because it’s simple. And strong. And it looks nice when I write it. And it just feels nice. Like I know it’s my name when I write it.”

  “Show me.” Blaine gestured to the sand at their feet.

  Shrugging, Adam transferred the beer to his left hand and dragged his finger through the wet sand, forming the letters of his new name. All the letters were perfect, without a single girly loop. The ‘d’ had a circle in it, but that was the only one. And it didn’t look at all like the g that had been in Angela.