Her grandmother was going to blame me—hate me. Jenna and Josie—they’d never forgive me. I suppose their reactions shouldn’t have had such power to curdle my insides. After all, they weren’t going to accuse me of anything I wasn’t already blaming myself for. I tried to force myself to think about what tomorrow would bring, but it was hard to imagine. And then the funeral . . .
What was I going to do without her?
My mind was scrambling for answers, for any hint of reason. I would never be able to work as a Guardian again. I was confident of that. No one would be able to depend on me. At least not for the next few hundred years. I wouldn’t be in any position to be anything for anyone. Sean hadn’t been able to count on me when he needed me to help save his life. I’d just sat there, helpless, useless. My shaking body had betrayed me and rendered me completely unreliable.
I’d need to leave here. Leave everyone behind. Toni and Lee, especially. I couldn’t see them every day, an incessant reminder of what I’d had, what I’d lost. I’d ask Terence for money. Just enough to get me a plane ticket, to anywhere. I’d find a place to mourn, somewhere isolated, where I wouldn’t be disturbed.
Sean. Could I leave Sean? I honestly didn’t know. I had no desire for company, but he and I had so much to reconcile . . .
As my brother returned with a wet cloth and towel I made my decision. I’d need a few weeks alone at least. Then maybe I would be in a better state of mind and could handle his presence in my empty life.
Once I was relatively clean and wearing the fresh shirt, Sean led the way wordlessly into the front room. Lee was perched on the edge of the sofa, head resting in her hands. She glanced up when we entered. She cleared her throat. “I’m going to take Kate’s car and drive over to her house. I’d rather tell her family in person. They should be getting there in the next half hour or so.”
I simply nodded. Sean was moving toward the bathroom sink, bloody rag in hand. I forced myself to speak. “I’m going to head down. I need to keep moving.”
“Of course,” Sean said. “I’ll be right behind you.”
I shuffled out quickly, certain if I lingered that Lee would tell me how sorry she was or tell me that everything would be all right.
Nothing would ever be right again.
As I closed the door, I could hear Lee’s muted voice and the indistinct rumble of Sean’s answer. Knowing they were probably talking about me made me only more determined to get out of here. As I moved down the wide staircase, I made myself a promise. I was never going to step foot inside this building again. The place where she’d died . . . I’d never be able to stomach it. Someone had pulled the trigger, chosen to take her life up there. And I’d been miles away, completely oblivious. She’d walked up this very staircase, not knowing she’d never walk back down.
I couldn’t get out of here fast enough. I lurched into a staggering run, desperate to taste fresh air.
I pushed outside, the heat slicing across my sensitive eyes. I squinted and moved straight for the SUV, parked exactly where Sean had left it.
I jerked open the passenger door and thrust myself inside. Closing the door, I was grateful that the windows were up. Suffocating heat felt good. It tightened my skin, and the overwhelming smothering effect made me feel like I might actually be dying. It was wonderfully therapeutic.
I gasped against my will, choked back a fresh wave of tears, and then decided fighting didn’t matter. No one was here to witness my grief. For this moment, I was free to express it completely. I screamed abruptly. Howled into the empty car as loudly as I could. Ears ringing, I pounded the door with my fist, slammed my right foot into the dash in front of me, desperate to express this anguish.
The glove box fell open and my strangled yell died. A vial of clear liquid and a packaged needle were laid out in front of me, begging to be picked up.
I knew it was the virus. What else would it be? It was inside a Demon’s car.
A sick surge of hope tingled through my body. Sweat gathered on my forehead, above my lip.
If it was the right strain—a new strain my body didn’t recognize—I could be dead in a week, at most two. I didn’t have to live forever without her. I could take the virus. Inject myself. Oblivion could be mine.
I was shocked by the intensity of my desire. I’d never considered myself to be suicidal. Besides, Kate wouldn’t approve. She’d be disappointed . . . But I’d already failed her in so many ways. Could one more failure really mean anything?
She’d want me to keep going. Keep living. Keep sacrificing . . . What more could I give? I’d been sacrificing for so long—for the past two hundred years I’d been sacrificing. I’d given everything: I’d died for my father, given up heaven for Sean, killed Demons for humans and Seers I could barely recall, and left Kate when all I wanted to do was stay. Would it be so wrong to be selfish, just this once? To finally take the easy path?
No one would have to know. Sean was the only one who knew it existed. If I could keep it from him, I could fool everyone. I could be halfway around the world before any of the telling signs of death appeared. They wouldn’t know.
Someone would eventually find my body. Sean or Toni. I knew they’d come looking eventually. But by then I’d be free. By then, I’d be dead.
I glanced out the window, wetting my lips. No sign of Sean. I needed to do it now, before I lost my window of opportunity. I’d be well enough for her funeral. I could pay my last respects, be sure Toni at least would stay to keep an eye on the twins. And maybe Sean could, as well. He could become their guardian angel and find his redemption. And I could find my peace—the only relief open to me—death. Redemption couldn’t be mine, not after failing her. Not after killing the Demon Lord with such relish. Not after giving into such selfishness.
If I couldn’t have her, I didn’t want to live. Staying alive for anyone else didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t make it to heaven. I didn’t need an afterlife. Wouldn’t want one, if I couldn’t be reunited with her. I only needed an empty abyss.
I snatched up the needle, my hands quivering in anticipation at what I was about to do. Tearing back the plastic I hurriedly freed the needle. In seconds, I was filling the syringe with the only substance that could end my eternal life.
I tapped the side and the small amount of liquid rippled, sloshing inside the cylindrical tube.
I opened my arm, baring the inside of my elbow. The thick vein waited, bulging with tension. As if my body was as desperate for death as my mind.
I took a deep breath, my eyes on the long needle as it descended, touched against the vein.
I heard scuffing footsteps outside, and I knew time was up. Done hesitating, I jammed the needle into my arm and flushed the virus inside.
Twenty-Six
Kate Bennett
Unknown
My eyes opened slowly, vision blurry—like I’d been asleep for a long time.
I knew I was dead. Not because I was in pain. On the contrary, I felt perfectly fine. Better than fine. No, I knew I was dead because I was in a white room, just like Toni had described to me.
Complete, comforting white. The temperature was perfect. Not chilly, not too warm. The plush bed I was lying on was the sole piece of furniture, though the room was not small. The ceiling wasn’t low, but it wasn’t high. Everything seemed moderate. Perfectly balanced.
The only difference from Toni’s death experience was the person sitting at the end of my bed. It wasn’t a little girl. It was Grandpa Bennett.
He looked exactly as I remembered him, though I knew in heaven he would be a handsome young man. Seeing his weathered face and wispy hair caused my heart to burn. His large hands looked just as rough and calloused as they should be. He was even wearing his overalls, though they weren’t crusted in dirt from the backyard.
He was smiling at me, eyes edged with melancholy. “Hello, honey.”
Though it was probably the least graceful reaction of all time, all I could do was blubber as I pushed
up into his arms. He held me tightly, crushing my shoulders in his muscled grip. He rocked me gently and I cried into his shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I finally managed to choke out. “I’m so sorry for everything. For making you die.”
“Hey, it wasn’t your fault at all. Don’t be ridiculous. I’m so proud of you, Kate.”
But his reassurances meant nothing to me in my current state. “I ruined everything, Grandpa. Everything. I trusted Peter, and I shouldn’t have. I watched them kill Lee—and they went after the twins. I tried to go back but I don’t think I made anything right. Wouldn’t I know if I had? And Patrick—Grandpa, I made a horrible mistake. I should have told him yes. I don’t know what I was thinking. He proposed to me—”
“I know,” he cut in. “I was there.”
“What? Really?” I pulled back so I could see his face, though the burning tears made his features indistinct.
He set his hand lovingly against my face. “Of course. It’s one of the things that makes heaven so great. We’re the real guardian angels, when it comes right down to it. We watch over our loved ones, so you’re never alone. We just live on another plane—one that even Seers can’t glimpse. But we’re always there.”
“Mom and Dad?”
“They saw it too. She was especially thrilled when he used both knees. Called it the most romantic pose. Your father thought he could have at least gotten a ring first, but I think he was mostly joking. As for Patrick’s parents, well—”
“They were there too?”
“Of course. It only makes sense, doesn’t it?”
If I wasn’t dead, I might have been embarrassed to think we’d had an audience. Still, the idea felt so right. They should have been a part of that moment. “I’m glad you were all there.” It was almost a whisper.
He smiled, but it was a tired action. “You’ve been keeping us busy, that’s for sure. The last few days have been especially crazy. I left the twins just a while ago . . .”
I paled. “They’re not—they’re not here, are they?”
“You mean dead? No. Patrick and Sean kept them safe.”
“Sean?”
He nodded seriously. “He’s had more than one angel hovering around him for a while now, working on his conscience, trying to help him recognize his feelings again. His mother, his father—and, most recently, me. He’s broken through a lot of barriers today. Emotions he’s been hiding from for a long time, he finally decided to face.” He seemed to consider something. “Well, I guess Jenna and Josie did the final breaking for him, though, of course, it was his choice in the end. We can go over the whole story later. We’ve got eternity, after all.”
I hesitated, unsure of how to pose my next question. “Can I . . . can I do what you do? Watch everyone? I need to see everyone.”
“What do you want to know?” he asked instead.
“Well . . . is Patrick all right?”
He pursed his lips. “He’s alive. In his room, at the warehouse, when I left him. He’s not taking your death well.”
I swallowed hard, trying not to imagine what he must be going through. It was a pain I was confident I’d be feeling soon enough, once my mind adjusted to the fact that I was really dead and I couldn’t ever be with him again—talk to him, kiss him, be held by him. It was hard to come to terms with death because I just felt so . . . alive right now. It was hard to imagine my body was lying around somewhere, that I’d been dead for over an hour by my reckoning, when I felt perfectly healthy.
I needed to distract myself. “What about the Demon Lord?”
Grandpa patted my hand. “Dead. Along with Selena, the Dmitriev brothers, Takao Kiyota, and Mei Li—all of them gone.”
“What will happen to the evil Seers? They haven’t gone to heaven, have they?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know for sure. They’ve probably earned themselves a place in Prison forever after all they’ve done, though. I’m sure they’re being treated to the fate they deserve.”
“So if the Demon Lord is gone . . . what will happen to the Demon uprising?”
“Since most of his closest confidants were also killed, it’s suspected that things will slowly go back to normal. Without anyone to unite them, they’ll fall back to their old ways. Different groups of Demons will fight amongst each other, trying to divide the world like regular street gangs. It’s nothing the Guardians can’t handle.”
“But what about the virus? The Demon Lord’s been distributing it all over the world.”
“Rounding up the vials will probably take awhile, but it’s possible to cleanse the world of it. Not all of the Guardians are susceptible, after all.”
What he said made sense, so I tried to keep from worrying about it. I still had other questions. “Is Lee here?”
“No.”
I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. “I know she’s not in the room, but—”
“Lee is not in heaven.”
My mind and heart rejected the thought. “But I saw her die. And you can’t tell me she didn’t qualify—”
“Lee had a long talk with her uncle, and she decided to become a Guardian. She’s already returned to that plane, and due to her unique circumstances and death, she has been granted permission to break a few rules.”
“Rules?” My head was spinning. I couldn’t decide if I was happy for Lee or depressed that I’d lost her again.
He nodded once. “Normally a new Guardian cannot revert out of their invisible state. Not until everyone who previously knew them has also died. The time is usually used for training, but she has been allowed to jump back into her old life. Only Seers would notice the difference, until they realize she’s not aging. Her mother will have to be told eventually, but I think Peter’s presence will help make that easier.”
My eyes narrowed at the mention of the Demon Seer’s name. “But he’s the one who betrayed us!”
“And he’s extremely repentant. He saved Hanif’s life.”
“Hanif survived? What about Dr. Radcliffe?”
Grandpa’s head was already shaking. “But don’t mourn him too much. He’s absolutely fascinated with Heaven, and the plane of existence we live on. He’s only been here a few hours but he’s already taking down notes to write a book about it.”
“Alex and Ashley?”
“I saw them briefly. They’re both fine. Heaven isn’t exactly an unhappy place, young lady.”
I curled some errant strands of hair around my ear. “So . . . that’s it then? I just . . . go on existing?”
“You make it sound so boring. You won’t believe all the people you can meet. Aside from that, your parents are eagerly waiting for you, just beyond that door there.”
He pointed to a white door I hadn’t yet noticed, and I felt my heart tighten. And though I wanted to see them so badly—more badly than words could express—I couldn’t make myself stand up. Not yet. I still had too many questions, and they needed immediate answers. “What about the twins? And Grandma? I . . . I can’t just leave them hanging.”
He sighed deeply. “I know it’s hard. Believe me, I know. But it’s the way of things—of life. Eventually they’ll come along, and we’ll all be together again.”
I glanced away from him, looking back toward the door. I bowed my head, pinching my eyes closed. “What about Patrick? I can’t just leave him like this. Even if I can watch him, be around him . . . It won’t be enough. Not for either of us. I can’t leave without saying good-bye. Grandpa, those things I said to him . . . I never got to look him in the eye and apologize.”
I looked up quickly when I felt Grandpa squeeze my hand. “Kate, I think it’s time to let you in on a little secret. Something Seers aren’t allowed to know until they die. Special Seers receive a token of appreciation for all the services they rendered on earth.”
When he didn’t continue, I frowned. “A . . . ‘token of appreciation’? What does that even mean?”
“Well, it’s like a special request. A favor, really.�
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“Seriously?” It came out almost wryly.
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I thought you’d sound excited.”
“It just sounds . . . unreal.”
“Well, it’s quite real, I assure you.”
“So you got one?” I clarified.
“I did.”
“Can I ask what it was?” I don’t know why I was hesitant—he’d always been open with me in life, and that certainly hadn’t changed with death.
“Of course. I asked for the chance to interfere with circumstances on another plane, with one person. Specifically, that the selected person could hear my voice.”
“How would you even think of something like that?”
He winked. “I’m a wise person, Kate. Ask anyone but your grandmother.”
“So who did you choose?”
He almost smiled. “The answer will surprise you, I think. Sean O’Donnell.”
He was right—I was more than surprised. “But . . . he’s the one who . . .”
“Who killed me? Grudges aren’t easy things to hold, Kate, especially here. You gain a lot of perspective after you die.”
“What did you do?”
“I helped unbury the emotions he’d been hiding from for so long, forced him to feel something. Once he remembered how to feel, it wasn’t that hard. He chose to keep feeling, to help save Jenna and Josie from Yuri Dmitriev.”
I thought back to Pastor O’Donnell’s words, when he told me that somehow I would be the one to save Sean. And maybe I’d helped. Without my final warning for Patrick to save the twins, a lot of things wouldn’t have happened; so perhaps I had contributed. Still, it sounded like I was merely one of the keys to his redemption.
I was glad Patrick had his brother back. I was sure they still had a lot to work out, but at least now they had a chance.
Grandpa’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “So, if I might ask . . . What will your request be?”
I was almost afraid to voice my deepest wish, but hope won out. “Could I . . . Could Patrick come with me?” Even as I asked, I knew it wasn’t right. Not that the idea of being in heaven with him was wrong—but taking him away from his brother, having him lose the title of Guardian, changing a decision he’d made in the distant past—the choice that had brought us together in the first place . . .
Guardians (Seers Trilogy Book 3) Page 38
