Riding for Redemption

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  Sara Beth reached for their shoulders and they steadied her legs in a hold similar to the one Johnny and Michael had used to load her in the truck.

  Lowered and settled in the chair, Sara Beth adjusted the straps on the side and then spun toward Johnny. “What are we here for? I’m not going to hide that I’m excited.” She laughed. “Not that I could, right?”

  “Well, we have a surprise for you.” Johnny watched Robbie move to the barn door to hold it open. While Robbie had stepped aside, giving them a moment of privacy, Johnny knelt down beside Sara Beth and searched her face. “Look, I want you to trust me. You need to wait until I’m done talking when we get inside, before you freak out, okay?”

  Her smile slipped a notch. She glanced between his face and Robbie’s and then the open door. Understanding claimed her, and she rolled her chair backwards six inches. Horrified, she clenched her teeth, the movement tensing her jaw muscle and creating a slight tic at the corner. “I can’t believe you did this. It’s even sneakier than what Lou Jensen did.”

  Johnny held up his hand and spoke firmly. “No. You’re not going to run away. There’s nowhere to go. I asked you to hear me out and that’s what you’re going to do. After I talk and Robbie adds his piece, you’re free to choose what you want to do. But I’m asking, as your friend, to please at least hear me out.” He waited, careful not to show that he held his breath while waiting for her reply.

  She didn’t relax but jerkily rolled herself forward. “Fine.”

  Johnny moved behind her and lifted his hands to help push her.

  “Don’t. I can do it.” She bit out. Mad didn’t describe the tension rolling off her in waves.

  But Johnny didn’t care. Hindsight was twenty-twenty and she’d be glad he’d brought her when it was all done.

  She rolled past Robbie without even glancing up. She did mumble thank you, probably for holding the door, but that was it. Pulling to the side, she waited while Robbie walked ahead of her to lead the way and she cut Johnny off to roll in front of him. But she still paused before entering. And if only Johnny could see her face, he knew she’d be gritting her teeth or narrowing her eyes before rolling over the threshold.

  Back rigid, she slowed down at the sound of a soft neigh and snort. The stomping of a hoof on cement had her halting altogether and she tried backing up toward the door.

  But Johnny didn’t wait. He grabbed the push-handles. “Watch your hands.” He propelled her forward, ignoring the daggers she shot at him with her eyes.

  Guarding a stall at the other end of the barn, Slate was joined by Robbie who watched them approach.

  Where most of the other stalls were dark, the one Johnny pushed Sara Beth toward appeared to be glowing. When they reached the stall door, the reason became clear. The outside door to a riding rink had been left open and a man walked a horse toward the stall.

  Sara Beth tensed further, if it was possible. She leaned forward, appearing as if she might collapse on the ground. A small whimper escaped her as the horse entered the stall, slowly and with purpose.

  The man walking the animal clucked his tongue and cooed. “Good job, Merriweather.” He held her reins and waited silently, watching the four by the door.

  Johnny cleared his throat. He’d had this long in-depth speech worked out in his head, but it suddenly felt overworked and under-felt. He didn’t want to lose her interest. “So, here’s the thing. You keep saying how you can’t ride, can’t go around the horses, etc. but you can. I called some friends in Texas and they sent up this therapeutic saddle for you to try.”

  He held his hands up, palms out, and rushed to add. “This one is strictly on trial basis. They need your measurements and some other things before they’ll be able to make yours, but I wanted you to try it. At least before we do anything more permanent.” He finished the last lamely, wishing she’d look at him. He didn’t know which way to take his argument. He’d been prepared for fighting, denial, excitement, joy... but silence? He hadn’t thought to cover indifference.

  He squatted until he was on level with her, trying to see from her vantage point.

  The horse shuffled a little to the side, revealing the chair-style saddle secured snugly to its back.

  Sara Beth gasped, reaching for it. She covered her mouth with her fingers.

  Robbie and Slate glanced at each other, smiling. But Johnny didn’t register anything but Sara Beth and the tears coursing down her cheeks. “A chair? They can do that?” She watched the saddle secured snuggly to the horse’s back.

  “Oh, Johnny.” She whirled toward him, throwing her arms around his neck and smacking her lips square on his. The brief contact stole his breath and might have even made his insides leap. Her joy captured him and the warmth of her lips against his seemed to snap his senses into overdrive. Her sweet subtle scent of flowers flooded him over the assaulting odor of horses and hay. The texture of her lips and skin matched that of fresh petals. And holy cow, had he just compared her skin to flower petals?

  Snap out of it, man.

  As if thinking the same thing, Sara Beth pulled away. She glanced at the man holding the reins, picking at her fingernail. “Can I try it right now?”

  Sara Beth

  Chapter 17

  If her heart beat any faster, the noise might scare the horse away.

  Stunned into silence at the kiss she’d planted on Johnny, Sara Beth tried focusing on the beautiful palomino in front of her. The possibilities strapped to that horse’s back matched the shock value for the lip-smacker with Johnny. Holy cow, the heat from his skin as they’d connected. She’d almost moaned. They hadn’t even lingered over it, and she felt like her lips might blister with the excitement.

  And the euphoria. Holy crud, kissing Johnny or the possibility of riding that horse – one or the other, or both – would overwhelm her and she’d miss out on riding Merriweather because she couldn’t figure out where her head was.

  Oh but her heart... her heart had focused on Johnny. And the first thing she’d wanted to do in her excitement was throw herself into his arms.

  He stood, shuffling off to the side and out of her way.

  Had she offended him? They kept claiming friends, friends, friends. And then she’d jumped him – definitely not how friends behaved around each other.

  Crud. She definitely owed Johnny an apology for how she acted. She didn’t regret it, but guys were different. She wanted to do it again and again.

  Carefully she rolled forward, grateful Johnny had stepped to the side. She’d hate to run over his toes. She bit her lip. Nervous, all of her fears rushing over her again, Sara Beth stalled, allowing her chair to stop on the hay-strewn stall floor. She watched the horse for any signs of trauma at her nearness- afraid to admit that she was more than a little afraid herself. “Um, is she okay, if I come closer?” She couldn’t look away from the horse. It’d been so long. Maybe she shouldn’t. It’d been so long. She wasn’t afraid of the horse, per se, just more... apprehensive? Oh crud, if she could put a finger on the exact way she was feeling, she’d make herself run screaming around the barn.

  When Johnny brought his horses around at the house by the deck, for the most part, they were hidden by the higher railings. She’d been able to distance herself from them, but it’d been so hard – almost painful. But in a bar, inside a stall, feet from a horse... keeping her distance became next to impossible.

  “Of course, you’re okay. Come on over and pet her. I’ll get the ramp ready for mounting.” The horse handler passed the reins to Johnny who still hadn’t said anything after her spontaneous kiss. He’d stood but hadn’t said anything and since he was behind her, Sara Beth didn’t have the guts to check him for a reaction.

  Robbie stepped into the stall and helped push the ramp into place.

  Sara Beth tried not to watch every movement, but the more they did, the closer she got to returning to the saddle – albeit a weird looking one.

  Gratitude welled within her. For the first time since the accident
, she didn’t hate how inept her legs had become.

  Johnny moved to her side, bringing the horse’s head closer. “I’m sorry to spring this on you. I just...” He trailed off, softly kicking his boot in the straw.

  Sara Beth didn’t look at him, but she grabbed at his hand and pulled it to her cheek. The callused palm scratched her skin, but not painfully. She blinked, looking up at him. Grinning, she murmured, “You know I owe you an apology.” She sobered, the words difficult to utter. “I am, so sorry. This was never a possibility to me. I didn’t even know it existed. I...” She glanced at the horse and saddle then back at Johnny, eyes brimming. “Except for thinking of myself, I don’t have an excuse. And all you did was think of me.” She smiled derisively. “That’s not much of an excuse, either. But thank you, just the same.”

  The kindness in his eyes warmed her – even more than the looming horse ride. “Sometimes it’s okay to think of yourself. Especially after everything you’ve been through.”

  “Well, thank you, but trials don’t give me the right to act like spoiled brat.” And she’d been doing that a lot lately. Gazing at the creamy tan coat of the horse, Sara Beth acknowledged the shame she’d tagged as anger and sadness. “Plus, here I am still arguing your thoughtfulness.” She squeezed his fingers.

  The time had come for Sara Beth to accept that nobody had caused the accident but her. Losing her ability to use her legs had inconvenienced so many people – her sister and Michael at the top of that list. And what had it done to Sugar? Sara Beth hadn’t forgiven the horse for abandoning her – but that didn’t mean it was Sugar’s fault. When Michael had said the horse wasn’t ready, Sara Beth should’ve listened. And she hadn’t, putting Sugar and herself in danger.

  Everyone had catered just to her wants and needs when she knew dang good and well that she wasn’t easy to be around with her moodiness and outright rudeness. Oh, she had a lot of fences to mend.

  “You ready to get on this horse?” The handler smiled broadly at her. He oozed confidence in the situation, not worried at all that she wouldn’t know what to do.

  Finally, Sara Beth would get on that horse... and her entire world would have realigned.

  Johnny leaned down, his breath warm on her cheek. “Ready?”

  She glanced at him, her pulse quickening – because of the upcoming ride or because of his nearness, she wasn’t sure. Had she just imagined the lingering nearness when he’d spoken to her?

  One thing she could guarantee – even if he wanted to stay friends, she was screwed. Falling sucked...

  THE BACK AND FORTH rocking of the therapeutic saddle closely matched that of an American saddle, but Sara Beth had more control with her hands. Padded, the stiff back offered support without being uncomfortable and her legs were secured to the spurs so her feet wouldn’t dangle loosely about the horse’s abdomen.

  Euphoria had diminished her self-pity, making it as insignificant as crap on a fencepost. Sure, she didn’t have normal functioning legs, but she was on a horse. By herself. And that was better than walking.

  Johnny joined her on a different horse after she’d gotten comfortable in the ring. Robbie and the man – who Sara Beth found out had a name – Bull – talked beside the building after Bull had given full instructions to Sara Beth on how to maneuver in the new saddle.

  Breaking into a gallop, Merriweather handled the bit without taking control from Sara Beth. Pushing the horse, Sara Beth led her into a turn and then relaxed, letting the horse slow.

  “Whoa. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’ve already been on one of those.” Johnny drew abreast of Sara Beth on a strong russet-colored horse. “How does it feel?”

  “So good. I can’t even believe it. I honestly thought I’d never get to go on a horse again.” She licked her bottom lip, careful to hold in her happy tears. “Thank you, again. I can’t wait to talk to Rosie about saving up for one of these.”

  Johnny watched her, a small smile playing about his lips. “My pleasure. Is it everything you’d hoped it’d be?”

  “Yes. But I think even more, if that makes sense? It makes it even more special that I thought I’d never do this again.” She leaned her head back, basking in the sunlight. “Is it corny that I’m glad I got to do this with you? I know we said friends, but...” Courage accompanied her on the saddle and Sara Beth found she didn’t have fear when she rode the four-legged animal. She could do anything, say anything, and the world wouldn’t stand in her way.

  Johnny rode beside her, quietly watching the trail ahead of them.

  Biting her lip, Sara Beth decided to throw caution to the wind. “You know, I’m confused, too. Imagine that we did get together? What would happen?” She poked her leg. “It’s not like I can do much, you know? I mean, I can ride this horse – now – but I can’t work. I have to reteach myself how to do a lot of things.”

  Johnny met her gaze. “So?”

  Sara Beth pulled Merriweather to a standstill. She couldn’t stop the incredulous expression from freezing her face. “So? What does that mean?”

  Reining in his own borrowed horse, Johnny shrugged. “It means I don’t care about what you can do or can’t do.” He pushed closer to her, until he was close enough to get in her face with a little bit of leaning in. “I’m not interested in the can’ts, though. Most of the time, I hear a bunch of things that are only about you from you. ‘I can’t do this. I can’t do that. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.’ And yet, here you are. Can. You can. You just have to try. Find a way. Make it work. If you want something bad enough, you can.” He pressed his index finger to her chest, and pushed her backwards just enough to prove his point.

  Unable to break through her astonishment to even retort, Sara Beth looked down at the reins in her hands. She waited about a full minute before speaking again. “So, does that mean you’re interested in more? Or?” Why did they have to define everything? Because if she didn’t, she’d go crazy wondering what he wanted.

  Johnny glanced quickly at her, as if to gauge her seriousness.

  Sara Beth maintained mock sobriety while undergoing his inspection. Once he looked away, she reached over and punched his upper arm. “You’re so funny. Calm down. I understand what you’re saying. I’m just... a little excited. Even your answer can’t bring me down right now.”

  And it was true. He couldn’t smother her happiness. Showing her he cared held a lot more weight than the complaints he murmured about his confusion.

  Confused, whatever. The guy liked her – no other reason for doing what he’d done. She just needed him to accept his feelings.

  Internally, she laughed at herself. He had to accept his feelings like she had to accept hers. Dang it. The last thing she wanted to do was admit that she liked him so much it hurt. But if she didn’t, she’d be holding herself back like she was accusing him of doing.

  Sara Beth

  Chapter 18

  Home. So fast. Sara Beth wiggled her fingers at Johnny as he turned the truck toward town. She’d never asked where he stayed, but Michael had mentioned once that he lived at the Mayfair Manor in town when he and his family weren’t touring for the Circuit.

  Before trying to fix things with her sister, Sara Beth had to make amends with someone she had hurt directly with her actions. Michael had commented a while back that Sugar wouldn’t let anyone near her and that he’d given up training her. She wouldn’t do anything more than flick her ears back and forth.

  Unable to move on without at least facing Sugar, Sara Beth pushed herself to the door and slowly prodded it open. She’d done well at the MacAllister barn. There was no reason the fear pounding inside her should have any precedence at the Rourke barn.

  Before she could change her mind, she wheeled herself into the spacious interior. The scent of freshly lain hay and oats relaxed her. The tight ball in her stomach uncurled. In the barn she was home. Not in the house. Not on that forsaken deck where she’d secluded herself. But there, in the barn, where the muffled neighs and snickers we
lcomed her.

  How in the world had she ever thought she didn’t belong there? Warmth filled her and she pushed ever forward. Clear afternoon light spilled through the windows and Sara Beth absorbed the site of dancing motes in the sunbeams.

  She rolled forward further, past one stall and then another, recognizing horses that she’d tried to forget in her seclusion. “Hey, Patsy. Hi there, Sandy.” Her crooning could have been mournful had she not been so overfilled with joy since her ride. It’d been a long time... too long.

  And there at the end, a dark chocolate nose protruded from above the stall door.

  Sara Beth slowed, suddenly anxious at seeing Sugar again. The other horses barely acknowledged her, which was soothing and disturbing at the same time.

  But Sugar seemed to sense Sara Beth’s presence – just like Sara Beth knew in her gut it was Sugar and not some other horse that only looked like Sugar.

  Gliding to the stall, Sara Beth tried to think of what she would do. What was she supposed to say to the animal? It’s not like the horse would forgive her or something. She coasted to a stop inches from the stall door.

  Michael had mentioned in passing that Sugar went wild when people tried entering her stall – like she couldn’t handle the presence of anyone near her.

  Gazing up into her deep black eyes, Sara Beth felt no fear. She unlatched the door and pulled it outwards, moving into the doorway without hesitating. What would Sugar do? Break Sara Beth’s back? That’d been done and Sara Beth wasn’t going to let potential fear hold her back. Squaring her shoulders, Sara Beth lifted her face, eyes focused on Sugar.

  As if the barn could predict the upcoming humbling, a hushed waiting fell over the occupants. Even Sara Beth’s breathing roared in the large room.

  Sugar just stared at her, not moving or even reacting at her presence.

  Sara Beth dropped her chin to her chest, heart heavy and heaved a jagged sigh. Sharply shaking her head, Sara Beth whispered, “Sugar. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to get you in trouble. I didn’t mean to... well, I meant to take you, but not for things to end up like this.” She sobbed, her chest tight. Tears soaked her cheeks and darkened the front of her shirt. “I’m so sorry. You’re not even letting people near you and here I am trying to force it. I’m so sorry for both of us. I wish I could fix it.”