Beautiful Regret

by MJ Nightingale

  Lisa just laughed as he followed Mary out.

  “Can we play hide and seek?” the little girl chimed as Gio closed the door behind him.

  "Anything you want, baby doll. Let me just get your brother cleaned up first." The entire scene left him greatly unsettled. He'd imagined this very thing a million times when he and Lisa had been together, before his parents died, before she left him, before she destroyed him. But then, it was him leaving for work, and Lisa was taking care of their children. That dream had died, but this scene brought it all back, those dreams destroyed when she had married another man. The crashing waves of nostalgia unsettled him as Mary walked in front of the house towards her car. That dream had evaporated until today.

  “I’ll drive,” Gio managed to get out. He pointed to his car parked in front of hers along the curb, and Mary just nodded and switched directions.

  He needed to occupy his mind, and the idea of getting inside Mary's minivan with the multitude of kids’ toys and car seats terrified him even more. It also brought home to him how much he had missed with his own son.

  "Nice car, a Charger?" Mary crooned sitting back on the soft leather seats.

  "My brother, Blaze, has one. Wanted to check it out. I like it."

  Gio pulled off his street and in just a minute was on the highway. His son’s school was a forty five minute drive according to his GPS.

  "Do you think they'll give us a problem, seeing Johnny?" Gio asked giving Mary a sideways glance.

  "I don't think so. They have been informed about Lisa, and Albert had the police come by to deliver the restraining order. It’s all about Lisa for him. If he knew you were here, he might try to prevent it. He never comes himself. I called ahead though, and told them I would be coming. Usually Lisa goes on Wednesdays, but I'm filling in while the restraining order is in place. I'm on the list of approved visitors," she informed him.

  "But what about me? You tell them who I am? Who you were bringing?"

  "I just said a guest. They said to bring ID. As long as you’re with an approved guest, you should be fine. They scan the ID, and the software checks for criminal activity. I thought less information was better. I didn't know if Albert would be checking in. Mark, my husband, has come and they don’t really seem to worry if you are with one of the approved guests."

  Gio nodded. "Does Albert usually check in on him?"

  "Please," Mary rolled her eyes. "Albert hasn't bothered with Johnny since he was three. He is too wrapped up in himself. If it doesn't affect him, he's been perfectly content to pretend he didn't exist."

  "Nice," Gio quipped sarcastically trying not to imagine what kind of life his son must have had.

  "Yeah, real father of the year stuff there," Mary added, then hated herself for the slip up when Gio flashed his eyes her way. He said nothing, just turned and focused on the road. “Sorry, I didn’t mean . . .” she let the words die on her lips when he shook his head and muttered that he understood.

  Gio was seeing red again. His son had not had a pleasant home life as far as he could discern. He hoped he could rectify that. Although he was scared, meeting a nearly ten year old boy for the first time, if he had known about him, his son would have been his whole world.

  But Mary's next words dispelled those thoughts. "Don't get me wrong, Gio. Johnny is a . . . happy . . . well-adjusted kid. Lisa has doted on him.”

  Gio glanced at her, eyes narrowing at her stopping and starting. He had been a cop long enough to know when someone had something on their mind and wanted to talk. He didn’t know if he was ready to hear it all, but nodded at her to continue anyway. He heard her let out her breath before she continued.

  “These last six years, Lisa has spent most of her time at her apartment in Georgetown, near the school. She only goes to Manhattan when Albert beckons. Once or twice a week to make a social appearance. But Lisa visits Johnny at school every day and has lunch with him. The school is very open to parental involvement and Lisa does a lot of volunteering there. It is a fabulous school. Parents are allowed to come to all meals, and Lisa does. On Wednesdays he goes out with her, and every weekend they are together. She picks him up on Fridays and he is with her until Monday morning."

  "What do they do together?" he asked curiously. He didn't like the boarding school thing. Lisa had said it was to keep him out of Albert’s reach, but it still bothered him.

  "At least twice a month, they spend the weekend with me. Barbecuing, playing ball. Johnny loves my husband, Mark. They get on great. Bridget comes down from school sometimes. Lisa wants Johnny very much to have family around him. Of course, we have the folks over on occasion. Or we go by their place on Saturday after service. Then, when we aren't doing family things, Lisa whisks him away, camping, fishing, amusement parks, museums, or they just stay at home and play video games or watch movies. She's been great, Gio. Really. Both the mom and dad." She saw the pain there, and did not know how to continue. She had wanted Lisa to tell him all those years ago, and she knew now, being a mom herself, that all those little things, those times, were precious. She swallowed past the lump that began to form in the back of her throat.

  Gio nodded at her words, but it hurt like hell hearing all that Lisa had done with their child. It could have been him teaching his kid how to play ball, or to fish. How to set up a tent. How to be a man. It should have been him. Johnny should know him, have those memories of him, and know his brother’s too. He had three uncles who would have had him building a transmission by eight years old, his brothers’ would have taught him how to hunt, how to play ball, and how to cook. They would have wrestled with him on the floor, and teased him about girls. Those years were lost. His face set into a grim line, and Mary saw it, and sat quietly beside him giving him the time to absorb what she told him so far, though there was a lot more she wanted to say. But it was a start at least.

  Gio sped along the highway, and his heart raced too. He was meeting his son. The moment wasn't lost on him.

  Mary interrupted his thoughts. She remained quiet for quite some time. "I'm sure you have a lot on your mind, Gio,” she paused and his sideway glance at her told him she was nervous about something.

  "What is it?" He cut to the chase still fuming thinking about all the what-could-have-beens.

  "I just wanted you to know how sorry I am. I mean . . . My part in this. Keeping this a secret."

  Gio just muttered, "Mhmm."

  Mary surged ahead. "I mean, as soon as I figured it out Johnny was yours, I should have called you. I feel horrible."

  "I thought you knew from the get go?" He shot her a curious look.

  "Well, almost. But not right away, though it was soon enough. When he was born, only six months after the marriage, and I saw him, I knew for sure even though I suspected it earlier. He has your eyes."

  Something tore in Gio’s soul to hear that. He still didn’t even know what his son looked like. He couldn't speak. His son had his eyes. The Marino eyes.

  "I mean, I kind of thought something was up when she started showing so soon, and Albert was so distant, but I didn't want to say anything. I didn't see her that much during her pregnancy. I was in my first year of college. But when my parents called to tell me she was in labor, and Albert was out of town, I went to the hospital to be with her. I was closest. My parents didn't like driving into the city."

  "You were there, for his birth?"

  Mary nodded. She heard the tightness in his voice. I have some videos of the birth. I can send them to you. Would you like that?"

  She's watched as Gio nodded, but didn't make eye contact.

  She continued. "The minute his eyes opened I knew. He looks so much like you. Same shape of your face. Same hairline. Coloring. He’s tall too. He only had Lisa's chin, as far as I can tell."

  Again Gio was just nodding. She continued. She wanted him to know the whole story, and her part.

  "As soon as they took the baby out of the room to clean him, weigh him, I asked her point blank, and I was pissed. ‘Is Joh
nny Gio's?’ She was so emotional. It all came out. She told me everything. I just felt horrible. She'd sacrificed so much for us. I asked her if she even loved Albert, or still loved you. She said you were the only man she would ever love. From her tone, it came out so angry, I was confused. I told her to leave Albert, but then she told me the rest. About my father, and that he lost everything. The marriage was meant to hide the fact that Albert was a kinky bastard and had been busted at one of those fetish clubs. I was shocked and of course wanted my sister to be happy. I told her I'd find another way to keep going to school. And that mom and dad could get an apartment, we could chip in and help them if they couldn’t manage on their own."

  "I still don't understand that either," Gio admitted.

  "I agree. I didn’t understand it either. But I know she loved you then, still does."

  Gio shook his head. This was something he didn't want to hear. Not from Mary anyway. He asked, "Did you know about Albert, the abuse?"

  "No, not then. She told me she needed to stay with him for another six months. That was the deal. He didn't really mess with her, she said, after he found out she was pregnant. It was my understanding they had consummated the marriage, but that was all. It was after the six months was over, she told me more. Said Albert’s father had broken the deal, that Albert still needed her to keep rumors at bay. A year wasn’t enough. They said the year thing was off the table, and she needed to stay married to him for at least ten. Lisa came to me crying after that. She was going to leave anyway, but then mom had a breakdown, and needed hospital care. The timing was so bad. I begged her to leave, but again she refused. She didn’t want everyone to struggle. And as far as I knew Albert hadn’t hurt her yet."

  "Did you ask her about that?"

  "I did." He saw Mary's eyes go round. "Albert was into some weird stuff. I asked if he tried anything with her. She was uncomfortable talking about it. I told her to leave him again and again. She did twice, but then they made some sort of deal that allowed her to have her own place, but that wasn’t until Johnny was nearly four. When I point blank asked her why she didn’t leave, she told me about the kinky stuff, and his parent’s involvement. The money didn't matter to her. She said Albert and his folks were threatening to take Johnny. So she needed proof, something to negotiate with. She said what Albert did with her wasn't that bad. He wasn't very rough with her. But it slowly got worse. I found out over the next summer. I saw the scars. I was shocked. Have you seen them?" she asked.

  He nodded and she saw the disgust in his eyes before he asked his next question. "Why did she let him do that?"

  "Again Gio, she was still young, in over her head I think, thinking she could negotiate with sharks. They played her and used her, and the Rasmussens found a punching bag for their son so he wouldn’t do it publicly. May they rot in hell!” She spat. “But she was scared she'd lose Johnny, so she was keeping a lot to herself. He is everything to her, but I questioned it too. We were swimming. I'd just started dating my husband. He was a life guard that summer, and I wanted her to meet him. She wouldn't go in the water at first, but eventually I got her to go in. I saw the marks on her thighs. Burns, and her arms. I was sick to my stomach. He liked to chain her up, suspend her, and beat her. He got off on it. Seeing her squirm, he'd come on her while jerking off, or fuck her while she was trussed up. Sorry, I hate that word, but I can't call it anything else."

  Gio’s hands slammed the wheels. "Stop it, Mare. I can't hear anymore."

  Mary was silent as he drove, but she didn’t regret telling him. He needed to know it all, and maybe hearing it from her would help him to understand why her sister had been too scared in the beginning to get out.

  Trying to get those images out of his mind was not working for Gio. He ached for Lisa. "Why? Fuck, why?" He cursed.

  "I know, Gio.” Mary reached a hand over to pat his arm that gripped the steering wheel like iron. “And you don't know how many times I wanted to call you. I really did. But she was scared they would take Johnny. Eventually she got up the courage to hire a detective, and she started having him followed then. She even videotaped him torturing her once too, so she could have that just in case it ever came to a custody dispute. He beat her up so badly when she confronted him the following year with that piece of evidence, but when I went to get her out of the hospital, she was smiling. She had him on tape. She was going to show it to his parents. She was going to get out, she vowed. I was terrified seeing her that way, but she smiled through her split lip, and black eyes."

  “She did that?"

  Mary nodded. "Yes, that is when she renegotiated the deal. They agreed to let her get the divorce. But wanted five more years. They gave her a hefty allowance so she could move. Allowed her to get the apartment in near Brownsville, and send Johnny to this school. She only had to come to public events with Albert once or twice a week, smile and look pretty. That deadline is six months away, and the house goes to my parents when they die, or when the five years is over, whichever comes first."

  "Lisa says Albert senior is checking out."

  "That's what I hear. Lisa jumped the gun with Albert though. These years have been hard on her.”

  Again, Gio’s mind was a whirl with all she had been through. His throat was closed with emotion.

  "Right there on the left, Gio. That's our turn." Gio felt his heart stop. Then start.

  Gio followed Mary into the reception building. A young blond woman was working behind the counter and was typing away furiously on her computer screen. She glanced up when she heard the door open, and smiled graciously at Mary when she recognized her.

  “Hi, Mary. Johnny is waiting for you. He seems especially excited today. It’s nice to see him that way, considering,” she added with a sad smile. “We all miss Lisa here,” she added.

  “Yes, it has been hard on him not having his mom around.” Mary paused before continuing. “Any news on if I can get pick him up this Friday. I know I have visitation privileges, but you were supposed to check . . .?”

  “We haven’t heard anything yet. The restraining order is just for Lisa. But, we do need Mr. Rasmussen’s consent for you to take him out of the facility. Sorry. As soon as I know anything, I’ll be sure to let you know.” The young blond turned a clipboard her way, and Mary immediately picked up a pen to sign in scribbling hastily. Then she slid the clipboard over to Gio.

  “I’ll need to see your guest’s ID, and run it through the system.” The young blonde eyed the handsome stranger wondering how he was related to the family.

  Gio pulled out his Florida Driver’s License and handed it to the younger woman who blushed as she took the ID from him. Gio smiled. He was used to this reaction. Mary elbowed him gently as the young woman turned and scanned his ID into a machine.

  “It should only take a second. But, I’m glad you came, um, Mr. Marino. Johnny has been quite sullen, and he was sure happy to hear he had another guest coming.”

  “You told him I was coming?” he asked Mary.

  “Yes, I called earlier, and spoke with him.” Then lower, so the receptionist whose name tag read Marlene, didn’t hear. “I wanted to prepare him, and not give him a shock. He is looking forward to it. He knows of you. But, I told him not to speak of your being his dad to the staff. I didn’t want Albert to be alerted if he started talking, and try to put up some road blocks.”

  “Good idea.”

  “All set,” Marlene replied coming back to the reception desk. She handed Gio his identification card. “Johnny will be in the guest waiting room, I’m sure. I saw him there ten minutes ago. He seems excited. It’s a shame though, about Lisa. We all hope she is doing well.”

  “Thanks, Marlene. She just made bail and is working on the restraining order. So, as you can expect, she is as best as can be expected. Hopefully the attorneys will have the restraining order lifted soon. I am worried about Friday.”

  “Why don’t you just come to get him,” Marlene stated. You are on the release, so if Mr. Rasmussen does not co
me, we can release him to you.”

  “Oh, that’s a good idea. At least he won’t have to be handed over to strangers.”

  Gio listened to the exchange and his stomach lurched at the thought of imagining his son waiting for someone to pick him up, and no one being there. “I’ll come too, Mary. If that’s okay?”

  Mary nodded. Having Gio by her side was a comforting thought if Albert did show up, although she didn’t think he would. If he even gave a thought to Johnny he would send someone to pick him up and just dump him someplace else. Mary waved goodbye to Marlene as they set off to find Johnny.

  Gio followed Mary down the hall and they turned into a longer narrower hallway. Mary was speaking and Gio had to focus to hear her. He felt his heart beating in his throat. His palms were sweaty, and he rubbed them on his pants. He was meeting his son in a matter of moments.

  “I think we should head outside. There might be other guests, and I don’t know how he will react. Some may know Albert. I’m not sure. But privacy, I think would be best.”

  “Yeah, yeah, sure,” he muttered nervously.

  Mary turned and gave him a soft smile. “You’ll be fine. He is an awesome kid.”

  Mary paused before a door, and Gio almost stepped into her. He saw the plaque beside the door and scanned it quickly. It read, ‘Guest waiting room.’

  Gio swallowed, and Mary winked before opening the door. At first Gio didn’t see him. He just saw sofas, and tables, and a large screen TV in the far corner. The room was empty. Then coming out from under the alcove carrying a bottle of water was a tall young boy with dark hair, and ice blue eyes. And Gio’s heart melted. He was five feet tall at nine years old, the Marino eyes staring across the room at him. It was his smile. The same crooked grin.

  “Hey Johnny!” Mary called as Johnny’s pace picked up.

  “Hi Aunt Mare.” His son’s voice was stronger than he thought it would be. It wasn’t childlike as he imagined. He spoke clearly enunciating each word. His son tossed the bottle into his other hand, then absently rubbed his hip with the one hand that just released the bottle. Gio did that too.