“Logan, I’ve made my decision,” I said firmly. “I’m not going to change my mind.”
He looked at me like I was a disappointment, and maybe I was, but this was the way it had to be. I just couldn’t risk my heart and my head like that again.
“You know, I knew that moving on would be difficult for you, but I never took you for a coward.”
“What the fuck is it with people? It’s not like I’m saying that I don’t want to take a chance on love. I’m saying that I know what a fucking mess I was after Cassie died and I know that if the same happened to Lola, I would be back in that same state of mind. Do you want me to not be able to do my fucking job anytime that she’s out on a job and I haven’t talked to her? Because now that I know how dangerous her job can be, I know that I won’t be able to function when she’s away. I know that I’m going to be worrying about her the whole fucking time. And what about James? How much more is that kid supposed to take?”
“Look, that kid is stronger than you think.”
“Yeah, I know. He made that abundantly clear when he was fucking yelling at me. I lost my shit and hit him. Do you still think that having a relationship with Lola is a good idea?”
“You hit him?” he asked angrily.
“Why do you think my face is all fucked up? Sebastian saw me do it.”
“You know what your real problem is? You’ve let Cassie’s death change everything about you. I get that you loved her. We all did. She was a great person and it fucking sucked the way she was taken from you and James, but you’ve let it define your life. You sank into a hole so deep that you could barely pull yourself out of it. Now you’re fucking hitting your own kid?”
“I know that! I know that I’m an asshole for what I did. But I can’t change the way I am now.”
“You could if you wanted to. You could see the gift that Cassie gave you instead of only seeing what you lost.”
“I know that I have James and I should be grateful for still having him, and I am-”
“That’s not what I’m talking about, man.” He growled in frustration and yanked at his hair. “Think about what it felt like to have her for that year. Think about what you got to experience. Knowing that she would die, would you go back and change anything? Would you rather never know what it was like to kiss her and make love to her? Would you rather walk around never truly knowing what having the love of a good woman like her felt like? That was the gift. If I only got one year with Cece and then I knew she was going to die, I would take it in a heartbeat. Yeah, it would probably destroy me like it did you, but it would have been worth it, because I know that she makes me a better man. What you’ve forgotten is what kind of man she made you. The kind of man that would do anything for her and her son. You need to bring that man back. Be the man that you were when she was here. Otherwise, you’re destroying her memory.”
I hung my head, ashamed that I really had lost everything that made me the man I was for Cassie.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Lola
“SO, WAS LOVER boy happy to see you when we got back?” Derek asked.
“That’s over,” I said, keeping my back to him.
“What? I thought things were going good between the two of you.”
“Yeah, well, things change. It’s not a big deal,” I said turning to him with my face as hard as steel. I had to keep up the persona that I was fine. Even though my heart was breaking, I couldn’t let my teammates see me as weak.
“Right,” Derek said, obviously not believing me. He turned to walk away and then stopped, turning back to me. “I forgot to tell you, we have a training session this morning. One hour.”
I nodded. That was just enough time to go to the shooting range and let off some steam. I felt better after unloading a few clips into the dummy at the end of the range. Though it wasn’t nearly as satisfying watching stuffing come out of a dummy as watching blood come out of a human.
After our training session, which was way more therapeutic than shooting, I showered and headed home. By myself. It was lonely sitting around the house when I had gotten used to being around Ryan and James. It wasn’t like I couldn’t handle being on my own, but there was a finality about it today. It was like the world was mocking me. I was on my own and chances were that I always would be.
Part of me had wanted to fight for Ryan when he broke things off between us, but the way he had said it, like he had just decided that it was going to be this way was like a shot to the head. Game over. He wasn’t going to ask me to change and he knew that he would never change for me. In some ways I appreciated what he did. I probably would have resented him if he had asked me to change. I just had to accept that it was better this way.
Feeling lonely and depressed, I got into some comfortable lounge pants and then reprimanded myself for choosing this particular pair. They were gray sweatpants that had Hogwarts written down the side and then School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in smaller print below that. They were the ones I had picked up to watch the Harry Potter movie marathon with Ryan and James. It was the first time that I had really felt like a part of a family. I had even picked out a Gryffindor shirt to go with it.
Trudging into the kitchen, I pulled out a big tub of ice cream and went to sit on the couch. All I wanted to do was sit down and watch some badass blow ‘em up movie, but when I saw that there was a Harry Potter marathon on, I just couldn’t resist. So, there I sat on my couch, eating a tub of ice cream and watching a movie about wizards. And I was crying.
My doorbell rang and I slowly got up, taking my bucket of ice cream with me. When I pulled the door open, I started crying again. Hunter, Derek, Cap, Cazzo, Knight, Sinner, and Burg were all standing on my doorstep with cases of beer. And they all looked panicked.
“Shit,” I heard Sinner mutter. “I don’t think it works the same way with girls.”
“Can we come in?” Hunter asked.
I nodded through my tears and went back, plopping down on the couch as I shoveled another spoonful of ice cream into my mouth. The guys all walked in and hesitantly took seats, watching me with wary eyes.
“I was expecting Die Hard,” Cazzo muttered.
“Seriously?” I snapped. “You were watching fucking romance movies when Vanessa left you.”
“They were classics,” he said in his own defense.
“Still. Harry Potter?” Sinner asked.
“You know what? All of you didn’t exactly make the best choices at some point. You,” I pointed to Knight. “You stalked Kate for a year, sneaking into her house so you could watch her sleep.” Then I turned on Hunter. “You sat outside your girlfriend’s apartment for weeks with the stalker because you couldn’t tell Lucy that you couldn’t leave her alone.” Sinner snickered and I shot my gaze over to him. “Really? You couldn’t get it up to fuck another woman because you were so hung up on Cara.” His face scrunched up in confusion. “Yeah, didn’t think I knew that, did ya?”
Then I turned on Cap. “You put a tracker in your wife’s arm because you didn’t trust her out on her own. How did that work out? And you called Claire fat,” I said to Derek. “Bet you learned your lesson with that one. And you,” I pointed at Burg. “I’m sure you’ll fuck it up too at some point. Just give it time.”
He grinned and pointed at the others. “But I haven’t yet.”
“So, we’re watching Harry Potter,” Cap grumbled as he pulled out a beer.
“You know, that ice cream looks pretty good, Lola.” Sinner eyed my ice cream and I held it tighter.
“Get your own,” I said around a mouthful of mint chocolate chip.
Sinner pulled out his phone and dialed someone.
“Gabe, yeah we’re gonna need supplies over at Lola’s house…What?…I don’t think so. Hang on.”
“Do you need tampons?”
I glared at him and he quickly went back to his phone call. “No tampons. We need ice cream. Lots of it. Just grab a bunch of pints-”
“Gallons,” I shouted.
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“Gallons,” Sinner said into his phone. “Just grab whatever’s available.” He hung up and grinned. “Gabe’s on his way.”
We all sat in silence as we watched the movie, except for the occasional stupid question from the guys, which completely ruined the movie.
“So, he just runs straight at a wall in a train station and no one sees him?” Hunter questioned. “That seems a little unrealistic, don’t you think?”
“Dude, the whole movie is about magic. It’s all fucking unrealistic,” Cazzo said.
“Shut up or I’ll put a curse on you,” I said.
When the doorbell rang, I was a little annoyed to see that Gabe had not only brought over ice cream, but the rest of Reed Security.
“I don’t have room in my house for all of you,” I snapped.
“Don’t worry, Brave. We’ll take the floor,” Chance grinned.
“I hate it when you call me that,” I said through clenched teeth.
“You know, this is kind of becoming our thing,” Derek said. “Maybe we need to just plan on doing this once a month.”
“You’re not coming over to my house once a month.” I said as I shoved the last of my mint chocolate chip into my mouth. I handed the empty container to Gabe and he handed me a gallon of chocolate, then walked over to Hunter.
“Hey, man. I grabbed you Rocky Road because I know it’s your favorite.” Gabe grinned and waited for Hunter to take the gallon, but he just sat there looking uncomfortable.
“Thanks, man.” He finally reached out and took it.
“No problem. I expect the same treatment if I ever go through shit like this.”
“Yeah, we could plan a slumber party,” Derek grinned. “You know, just the guys.” He winked at Hunter who snarled at him.
Gabe chuckled uncomfortably. “Yeah, I’m not so sure I’m comfortable with a bunch of dudes spending the night at my house.”
“Maybe just one then,” Derek suggested. “You could pick, like, oh, say a best friend to come over and keep you company. Hunter?”
“Can you guys please shut the fuck up?” I cut in, trying to take the heat off Hunter, who looked like he was about to sweat through his shirt. “I’m trying to watch the movie.”
When the part with Quidditch came on, the guys all watched curiously.
“Damn, so they just get hit with a ball and knocked off their broomsticks and that’s legal? Aren’t these kids minors?” Burg asked.
“They can regrow bones. They’re fine,” I mumbled.
“Still, it seems like a pretty fucking brutal game for a bunch of kids.”
“Well, we could always bring back lawn darts and throw those up in the air. Maybe one of you will get stabbed and it’ll shut you the fuck up so I can watch the movie!”
“Geez, you’re more of a bitch now than when you have your period,” Hunter groused.
“I’m sorry that I’m in a pissy mood, but having you all over here when I was trying to sulk in peace isn’t really helping,” I snapped.
“Talk to us, Brave. Tell us what’s wrong,” Sinner said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.
“Do I need to junk punch you?”Sinner moved his legs together a little. “Stop calling me that.”
“You know, when I was going through a rough patch with Vanessa, the guys came over and they really helped me work through shit. Maybe you just need to open up a little,” Cazzo said.
“You guys actually talk about relationships and stuff?” I questioned.
“Sure,” Hunter shrugged. “Who do you think helped me get Lucy back?”
“So, I just talk,” I said dumbly. Hunter nodded and I figured what the hell? These guys had all gone through this. Maybe they really could help. “Well, you know that I haven’t really had any relationships in a long time. I don’t like the way I look with this fucking scar on my head and the nightmares would scare off anyone. But then I met Ryan and he was just as damaged as I was and we really had a connection. I mean, we got each other’s pain and then his kid came into the picture. He’s such a fucking awesome kid and I was falling in love with both of them. We had movie marathons and hung out all day. It was just really cool and totally different from what I’m used to.” I sniffled and swiped at my nose as the tears started to fall. “We were really starting to have something good and then I went away on a job and he freaked out because we lost contact with the team. He thought I was dead or something and he said he couldn’t handle it.”
I shook my head as I swiped more tears from my face. “I mean, how fucking fair is that? I know he was just being honest with me, but we had something good and then he just threw it away. And I get it. I really do. His wife died and it tore him apart. But any of us could die at any moment,” I said hysterically. “What sense does it make to throw it all away when you finally found someone that you really want to be with? That loves you the way you are, pain and all. That’s so rare. I just don’t understand why I had to go and fall in love with them if they were going to leave!”
I buried my head in my hands and cried, sobbing in anger that I was reacting like this. I was not this girl. I didn’t cry over men. I was tough and now I was here, pouring my heart out to my friends. I had turned into a fucking girl! I felt a masculine hand pat me on the shoulder awkwardly and I peeked through my hands. The guys were all pointing at one another and mouthing things to each other. Most of them looked panicked and I realized that when they told me to talk to them about it, they had no fucking clue what they were asking for. I ran a hand over my face, wiping away the tears and composed myself.
“Alright. You wanted me to talk. I did, so give me some advice.”
“Well, see…the thing is…” Sinner fumbled with his words, picking at his beer bottle as he tried to figure out what to say. “The thing is that usually when we get together when this kind of shit happens, we don’t actually, you know, give advice.”
“What do you mean, you don’t give advice?”
Cap scratched behind his ear as he lifted one side of his face. “Well, you know, we’re guys. So, we bring beer. We watch crappy movies. We pretend we know what we’re talking about.”
“So, let me get this straight. You wanted me to talk, but didn’t actually want to participate in any way that could give me some idea of how to handle this.”
The guys all looked around at each other, shrugging and nodding. “Well, yeah,” Derek said.
“That’s bullshit,” Florrie said. “If anyone can help her, you guys can. You’re guys. You have the inside track into a man’s emotions.”
“We don’t actually have those,” Chance said.
“Everyone has emotions,” Florrie snapped. “Now, stop being a bunch of cavemen and think of it from a male perspective.”
They all looked around at each other like they didn’t have a clue what to say. Sinner leaned back in his chair, crossing one ankle over the other knee. “It’s gotta be the sex. If the sex were good, there would be no way he was walking away.”
“Sex wasn’t the problem,” I said irritatedly.
“Yeah, I really doubt that was the issue. Lola was pretty good in bed,” Hunter confirmed.
I leaned toward him, crooking a finger for him to come closer. “Here’s a newsflash. It was better with him.” Hunter jerked back in surprise and looked around the room quickly at the other guys. “What can I say? It’s better when it’s with someone you love.”
“You know, she right about that,” Derek agreed. “Sex was never as good as it is with Claire.”
“What should I do? I mean, should I try and talk to him?” I asked desperately.
“Well, if a girl came up to me and started begging for me to take her back, I’d fucking change my number, my address, and possibly my name,” Ice scoffed.
“Since your name is still John, I’m guessing no woman has ever begged you for anything,” Chris cracked.
“Then, it’s another woman,” Alec suggested. “Maybe the sex is good, but he just doesn’t like you that way
. Your job gives him the perfect excuse to break things off.”
“Here’s what you do,” Knight said, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. “You go to his house and install some cameras. Keep an eye on him and make sure that he’s not bringing other women home. That way you know if he’s really just not able to deal with your job or if he’s looking for someone else.”
“Jesus, that’s my friend you’re talking about,” Cap said. “Can we not go into the creepy stalking shit?”
“Would you rather have her wondering if your friend is just an asshole?” Knight shot back.
“He’s not an asshole,” I said frustratedly. “He’s a good guy that has been dealt a shitty hand. I don’t blame him for breaking up with me.”
“I hate to say this, but you could always give up your job,” Florrie suggested.
“No!” Hunter and Derek shouted.
“Look, aside from the fact that she’s on your team and you would be pissed to lose her, think of it from just a guy’s perspective,” Cap said. “If your woman was out doing dangerous shit, you would want her to stop. You would do anything you could to protect her.”
“Yeah, but he didn’t ask me to walk away from my job,” I said glumly. “Maybe Alec’s right. Maybe he just doesn’t like me as much as I like him.”
“No,” Chris said firmly. “It’s because the roles are reversed. You’re the badass in the relationship and he’s the girl. I mean, not really, but if this was us we were talking about, we would be pissed if our women asked us to give up who we were for them. He recognizes that and he knows it’s not fair to ask that of you. He’s just trying to be sensitive to your feelings.”
“So, what do I do then?” I asked.
“You ask yourself what you love more,” Chris shrugged. “If you love him enough that you know you don’t want to live without him, then be willing to walk away from your job.”
“But only if you know that you wouldn’t resent him for it,” Florrie interjected. “Don’t give up a piece of yourself if it’s going to make you miserable.”
“I think I liked it more when you guys were all full of useless advice,” I grumbled.
Lola: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 8) Page 19
