Melancholia

by Elle Casey

  “Are you making me into a Rainbow?” he asked.

  My heart collapsed in on itself painfully, my chest aching with it. From happiness to despair in less than a second. I’d thought we’d resolved this back at Jasmine’s house, but apparently he still believed that whatever he was feeling wasn’t real. I guess I should be happy to know that at least he was feeling something, even if he didn’t trust its source. Now all I had to do was convince him he wasn’t under my spell.

  “No. Do you really think I could do that or would do that to you?”

  He closed his eyes and shook his head, his hair making swishy sounds on the pillowcase. “No. I’m just … feeling stupid inside, and I want to blame it on something else.”

  The sense of relief that flooded through me was like a big wave crashing on the beach. I went from really sad to happy almost as fast as I’d flipped the other direction. But as relieved as I was in that moment, it was clear he was upset, riding the other end of the emotional spectrum as I was.

  I reached over and pushed my finger into the wrinkles that had appeared on his forehead. Whenever he was worried, two vertical lines formed between his eyebrows, and the more upset he was, the deeper they got. “Stop frowning at me.” I smiled a little so he’d know I wasn’t really mad about it. I just wanted him to be happy and not so stressed.

  He reached up and pulled my finger away from his face, kissing it gently with his soft lips. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  His fingers slid down and wrapped around mine. They were big and thick making me feel like a small child. Protected. His thumb moved up and down, tickling my skin, the warmth from it spreading quickly to other parts of my body.

  “I shouldn’t have said that,” he confessed. “I know you’re not Rainbowing me.” He was staring at me so intensely, now I knew what it meant to actually feel someone’s gaze on me. I’d always thought it was just poetic nonsense, but in this moment I knew it could be literal. The weight of it was just right and very warm.

  “I promise, I’m not,” I whispered, wanting so badly to be able to just lean forward the last few inches and kiss him on the mouth. But I wasn’t bold enough.

  “Rae, I have to tell you something,” he whispered back, looking worried again.

  “What?” I asked. “It must be bad because you look totally freaked out right now.” I wanted to bonk myself on the head a split second after I said that. Way to go, Rae. Totally romantic. Ruin the moment why don’t you?

  Confusion passed over his expression and then sheepishness. “Sorry. I’m not freaked out. Well, maybe I am a little, but mainly it’s just because the hottest girl in school is almost naked in a big bed with me and just touching her hand is about to make me lose it.”

  I grinned so hard I was surprised my cheeks didn’t touch my ears. “Really?”

  “Yeah. Really.” He sighed heavily, lifting his voice barely above a whisper. “Rae, you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known. And I know I can be near you without hurting you. It’s taking every ounce of control I have not to jump you right now.” He rolled his eyes. “God, I’m such an idiot. Can you just forget I said that?”

  “Why would I want to do that?” I moved another inch towards him.

  “Rae, don’t. I’m serious. If you get any closer, I can’t be held responsible for what I’ll do.”

  “Why do we have to be so responsible?” I asked. The devilish grin I couldn’t contain caused him to smile back just as evilly.

  “Because. We don’t have condoms and … I don’t know. You’re a nice girl, and we don’t even know each other. I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

  I squeezed his fingers and moved even closer, daring myself in my head to just go for it and say what was on my mind. “We don’t have to do the thing that needs condoms exactly, and just because I’m a nice girl doesn’t mean I don’t want to jump your bones too.”

  He swallowed hard, looking very nervous. “Rae, are you sure you know what you’re saying? It’s late. You’re probably really tired. I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret tomorrow.”

  I froze, not sure if I was fully understanding what he was saying. “Are you trying to tell me that you don’t really want to mess around? If this is your let me down easy speech, please tell me now so I can avoid making a complete idiot of myself.” Pretty sure I’ve already done that.

  He let go of my hand and grabbed my waist, pulling me up against him. I felt something hard there, pressing into me.

  “Trust me, Rae. I want to mess around.” And then he leaned towards me, pushing his lips to mine.

  Fireworks exploded in my head. Warmth blossomed out from my heart, spreading through my chest, legs, and arms. As his lips moved against mine and his tongue came out to join the dance, I thought about what this could mean, what this could be for us. I’m a virgin, never able to get close enough to a boy to even entertain the idea of having sex. Tonight I had Malcolm, but who knew what was going to happen tomorrow. We might be separated and never see each other again. With all the secret spy stuff going on, the chances that we’d both be in control of our lives at all was starting to look like an unknown. Maybe tonight would be all we’d ever have.

  “What’s happening to us, Rae?” Malcolm asked against my mouth. He didn’t stop kissing me, he just paused. And then he was back to licking my tongue, causing electric shocks to travel down to my lower parts, making me squirm with need.

  “I don’t know. But I don’t care about stopping. I want to be with you. I might not have you after tonight.” I clung to him, partly out of fear that he’d move away and partly out of the craving I had for his touch. I wanted to feel him everywhere.

  “I don’t want to be split up,” he said, kissing my face and then my neck, making goosebumps come up all over my body. My breasts were tingling, aching to be touched. He must have read my mind because a second later his hand was there.

  “Rae, I want to be with you more than just tonight. I hope you know that.” He stopped kissing me and looked into my eyes. He seemed so earnest it made me want to cry.

  “I’m really happy to hear that,” I said, sounding very wimpy. “I didn’t want to feel like a stalker, chasing you all over the place.”

  He squeezed me to him. “Never. It’s the other way around. I’m going to be like the worst Rainbow you ever knew.”

  I put my hand on the side of his face. “You could never be a Rainbow.”

  “I know,” he said, taking my hand and sliding it down, placing it on his abdomen.

  My pulse went through the roof. He was giving me the signal of what he wanted. The question was, am I brave enough to take it? Hell yes, I am, I said to myself, lowering my hand even more.

  I was shocked by what I found there, never guessing the stories I’d heard and the things I read could be quite like this.

  His sharp intake of breath told me I was doing something right.

  “Rae, this is dangerous,” he whispered, eyes closed.

  I moved my hands up and down on his shorts, reveling in the power I had over him. He’d frozen in place, his hand stalled out on my chest as he soaked up the sensations I was creating with my touch.

  “Does this feel good?” I asked, feeling both shy and brave at the same time.

  His voice came out strangled. “Uh … yeah.” He opened his eyes and they were different now. Darker. Deeper. Scary, even.

  My hand froze, but not in fear. We weren’t playing anymore. Something was coming over both of us. It wasn’t darkness, but it wasn’t light either. Passion.

  Malcolm pushed his body into mine, forcing me over onto my back, adjusting the covers as he went. He was on top of me, pushing his hard body into my soft parts. I was breathless with desire, parts of me aching for things I didn’t even understand. I couldn’t help spreading my legs, accommodating him and his heavy frame.

  He moaned. “Oh, Rae … I can’t control myself around you.” He leaned down and kissed me while at the same time pushing his pelvis and hardness ag
ainst me.

  I moaned too, not meaning to, no longer in control of what my body and voice were doing. There was a heat down there that needed quenching, a fire that was building that he would stoke until it became a roaring inferno. It’s what I wanted. I didn’t care if it burned me. I needed to come alive with it.

  I’d held back from human contact for so long that I was greedy for it now. I moved my hips experimentally, finding a rhythm that matched perfectly with his. With every sway, with every pressing of our bodies together, shocks of desire moved through me and momentum built.

  He moaned as he kissed me, his hand reaching up to squeeze my breast again. It felt amazing. I’d touched my own body before, but it had never been like this. When he pinched my nipple, I thought it would hurt, but instead it made what was happening lower down on my body even more thrilling. “More,” I whispered out, and was rewarded a moment later when he complied.

  “God, Rae, I’m going to lose it.”

  I had no idea what that meant, but I didn’t care. Something was happening to me, and I was spinning out of control. My conscious mind took a trip somewhere, leaving me alone in this storm of emotion and sensations that were all focused down near his hardness, down where our bodies were rocking together, where the heat was rising and the juices flowing.

  I clung to him as our rhythm picked up, gasping and crying out over the delicious half-tickling, half-throbbing that was building up inside me.

  He cried out and stiffened up, pushing fast and hard against me several times in a row. I wrapped my legs around him, riding him almost but from underneath, pressing my most private places against his most private places, soaring over a cliff of emotion and heat. Pulsing came from deep inside me somewhere and centered on that one spot where we were almost connected.

  He went still, but I kept going, needing to finish what we’d started. He held me tightly as I rode the wave of something I didn’t understand but didn’t need to. Wave after wave of crazy delight crashed over me, leaving me breathless and almost satisfied. The only thing missing was a real connection, the actual touching of his skin on mine. But I knew that couldn’t happen right now, so I rode the last of the pulsing, pressed against him, whimpers passing through my lips without any conscious control.

  I finally had to stop. The touching was too intense now, almost uncomfortable. My feet that had somehow ended up wrapped around the back of his legs flopped back onto the bed on either side of him. My face flamed red with embarrassment over the sounds I’d made and the things I’d done. I didn’t regret them at all; I just wished I hadn’t been so goofy about it.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, sliding a little to the side, staring down at me.

  “Nothing. I’m just … a little embarrassed, I guess.” I closed my eyes and turned my head to the side, trying to escape the idea of him laughing at me.

  He reached up and stroked the side of my face very tenderly, moving a piece of hair away from my cheek. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m the one who lost my cool before you were ready. I won’t blame you if you kick me out of the room.”

  My eyes flew open and I grabbed him, afraid he was serious. “No!” In a calmer voice, I added, “Please stay. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not at all.” I smiled shyly, wishing I could say more but too embarrassed.

  He leaned down and kissed me once. “Are you sure? Because I’m not sure there’s anything real sexy about dry humping a girl before I’ve even taken her out on a date.”

  I giggled. “I hate that word.”

  “What word? Dry?”

  I giggled more. “No. Humping. Dry humping. It sounds gross.”

  He leaned in close to my ear and nibbled my earlobe. “Okay, how about … sexy cuddling.”

  “That’s better,” I said, knowing we were being totally goofy but not caring one bit.

  “I wanted to do more, but I controlled myself,” said Malcolm, lifting his head to look at me again. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I feel like Superman right now. Superman with jiz in his pants.”

  I barked out a laugh, totally not expecting him to say that. “Maybe someday soon we won’t have to control ourselves,” I said, lifting my head so I could kiss him once on the mouth.

  “I hope so. I really hope so,” he said, kissing me some more. We lost ourselves in the heady sensations, and I felt my body waking up all over again. The heat began to build.

  He rolled off me and onto his back. “I think it’s like three in the morning. We’d better go to sleep or we’re never going to make it tomorrow.”

  Although I was bummed over his willingness to stop so easily, I knew he was right. “Yes. That would be the smart thing to do.”

  He was still staring at the ceiling when he responded. “I’ve been called stupid a lot in my life.”

  “I haven’t,” I said, wondering if he meant what I wanted him to mean. “But right now, I feel really stupid.”

  He turned his head and looked at me. “Because you just did that with me?”

  “No. Because I want to say screw sleeping, let’s do it again.”

  He grinned huge. “Me too.” And then he leaped on top of me, making me shriek with laughter.

  Chapter Twenty-Two: Malcolm

  SHE WAS GRINNING AT ME over her bowl of cereal, her dimple deeper than I’d ever seen it.

  “You’re real pretty, you know that?” I said, reaching out and pushing on her nose, flattening it a little. It was so small and cute, much nicer than mine.

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” she said, slapping my hand away gently. “Do you like seafood?” she asked. She took a huge bite of her Rice Krispies as she waited for my answer.

  I shrugged. “Sure. Some kinds.”

  “Good. Here you go, then.” She showed me the chewed up mess in her mouth. “Get it?” she asked, giggling. “See food?”

  “Nice. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy your table manners?” I asked, drinking the milk straight from the bowl and then burping weakly after.

  “No. But I do enjoy yours, I have to say.” She lifted her bowl up and drank her milk, too. She tried to burp after she finished but nothing came out but the sounds of her straining.

  “Lame,” I said, putting my bowl in the sink. “You need lessons.”

  “Oooh, burp lessons. I always wanted a big brother so I could get some of those.”

  I walked up behind her and turned her around on the bar stool, stepping in between her legs. Looking down at her, I stared her in the eyes. “I ain’t no big brother to you, Rae-Rae.”

  She pulled my waist towards her, pressing her crotch against my fly and wrapping her legs around the back of me. “Thank God for that.”

  We kissed for a few seconds until I remembered that we were being spied on. I pulled back kind of fast and pointed to the two bugs that were probably picking up the sounds of our lips mashing around.

  She nodded in silence, her cheeks a pretty pink. I loved knowing they were that way because I’d been touching her.

  “So what are we doing today?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. I thought we’d call Joe and ask him. Then maybe do some lunch and TV.”

  “Mmmm. Big day ahead of us,” she said, a sparkle in her eye. “I’m probably going to take a nap since I didn’t sleep well last night.”

  I play-frowned. “You didn’t get much sleep? That’s too bad. I kind of had the same problem. Must have been the beds.” I looked over at the bugs, hoping they were picking up our little act.

  “Lumpy,” she said, grinning like a loon.

  “Hard,” I agreed, looking down at myself and then winking at her.

  She reached out to touch me, but I backed away giving her a warning look, knowing the next time we were together, it was going to be nearly impossible for me to not be inside her. Dry humping was okay for last night, but no way was it going to work for much longer. I can be a good guy for Rae, but I’m only human. Being next to her, grinding on her, there’s just no way I’ll be able
to keep it in my shorts anymore. I want too badly to feel all of her. Picturing it now was making me want to throw her on the kitchen floor and do the deed. I was pretty sure after last night that she wouldn’t say no, which only made holding back that much more difficult.

  Rae walked out of the kitchen and signaled for me to follow. “I’m going to take a shower. You can go after me,” she said.

  “Let me brush my teeth first,” I said, following her signal. She was furiously moving her finger across her teeth and giving me bug eyes.

  “Okay. We can brush together.” We both stepped into the bathroom and I shut the door while she turned on the faucet.

  “So, what are we really going to do today?” she asked, moving up to hug me around the waist, pushing her body into mine again. I was never going to get tired of her doing that.

  I took her in a loose embrace, rubbing my hands up and down her back. I loved knowing she wasn’t wearing a bra. I wanted to move my hands to the front of her but didn’t because I needed to keep things cool between us, at least for now. I was liable to do something really stupid and dangerous otherwise. I probably should have pushed her away entirely, but I craved her touch too much. We remained in a loose embrace, morning breath and all.

  “We need condoms. I’m serious, Rae. If you’re okay with that, I mean.” I felt sick all of a sudden. What if she says no? Can I keep doing this without attacking her? It didn’t take me longer than a second to answer my own question. Yes. I’ll do whatever it takes, just so long as I can feel her against me some more.

  “Yes, definitely. I’m ready. Totally ready.”

  I breathed out a huge sigh of relief. “Good. Because I don’t know how much longer I can get that close and not go further. We need to get them today.” I spied the medicine cabinet and frowned. “Unless they have some here.” I detached myself from Rae and did a quick but thorough search of the bathroom. I came up empty. “Dammit.”