Here We Go Again

by Romeo Alexander

Glancing up at the clock, Troy fidgeted with a spare pen before trying to pull his attention back to the screen in front of him. He was supposed to be going through the most recent reports they’d done and making sure everything in them was accurate, but his mind wouldn’t focus. Every time he tried to force his mind to focus on the names and details on the screen in front of him, his mind jerked right back to Oscar.

  “Are you going to glare at the computer all day, or actually do something with it?” Dean asked from behind him.

  Troy grunted. “I’m trying, okay?”

  “Penny for your thoughts?”

  “What, only a penny? That’s kind of cheap, don’t you think?”

  “Your thoughts are a dime a dozen, so that seems fair.”

  Troy frowned. “I’m pretty sure you’re mixing your phrases and also just insulted me worse than before.”

  “Hm, maybe.”

  Troy turned around to face his friend with a smirk. “Sounds like I’m not the only one who’s a little out of it.”

  Dean rolled his eyes, never pulling his attention from his tablet. “Don’t try to turn the tables on me. You’re the one over there zoning out over a bit of paperwork.”

  Troy groaned. “You know I hate paperwork.”

  “Yep, but it’s gotta be done.”

  Troy continued to stare at the screen before finally muttering, “He’s avoiding me.”

  “Who’s avoiding you?” Dean asked.

  “Oscar.”

  It had been days since he’d last seen the man, let alone spoken to him. Troy hadn’t exactly gone out of his way to hunt Oscar down and try to get answers out of him either. After the quick and furtive kiss shared between them, Troy had been left wondering what he should do.

  On the one hand, he most certainly wanted to see where that kiss was supposed to go, or what it meant. He still felt a little dizzy at the thought of Oscar kissing him so suddenly, and with all the desperation and heartfelt intent Troy remembered fondly from when they’d been dating. On the other hand, he wasn’t so sure he wanted to know the answer, especially now that Oscar looked like he was trying to keep his distance.

  “So, I take it things haven’t been going well since you guys were in here the other day,” Dean said.

  Troy’s shoulders sagged. “No. He kissed me that night, Dean.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, one minute, we were arguing about stupid shit, and the next minute he was kissing me.”

  “Would that stupid shit have anything to do with the oh so lovely marks around your neck?”

  Troy cringed. “Maybe.”

  The last thing he wanted was for Dean to start worrying about him too. Admittedly, Troy knew he should have been a little more cautious while he was walking the streets. There was no good excuse for why Erik was able to sneak up on him like that. Troy should have seen him coming from a mile away, and Oscar was right that he needed to be more careful. Troy wasn’t so sure he needed to change his habits all that much, as there wasn’t much reason to, but he could certainly afford to be more watchful in the future.

  He still honestly couldn’t believe that Erik had attacked him like that. The two of them had met one night a month ago, and Troy had honestly believed they’d both understood what they were doing. With the sole exception of Oscar, Troy had never been one to settle down with any one person. He liked the thrill of being with someone new, of learning how they touched, how they held, kissed, fucked. The only person who could instill that same sense of extreme passion and need in Troy was Oscar, apparently still, if that kiss were any indication.

  Troy was jerked out of his thoughts as Dean rolled forward in his chair to lean into his vision. “Why don’t you do us both a favor and go talk to him?”

  Troy wrinkled his nose. “And say what?”

  “You could start with, ‘why aren’t you talking to me?’.”

  “And what if he tells me to fuck off?”

  “Then you know for sure.”

  Troy looked down at his hands, knotting his fingers together nervously. Knowing would certainly be better than this strange purgatory he’d been stuck in. Troy would swear he could still feel Oscar’s lips against his, and the press of his hand against his shoulder. It had dragged out the last remnants of emotion he had for Oscar, and Troy could feel them bubbling away beneath the surface, just waiting for an excuse to burst out.

  Dean smiled, patting his side. “Just go. General Winter’s office hours will be up soon, and you can probably catch him on his way home.”

  “Oh, boy, I get to ambush him, that’s sure to make him start talking to me.”

  “Do you have any other options?”

  Troy frowned, no, he didn’t.

  “Dammit,” he muttered, pushing away from the desk.

  He didn’t feel any better about the plan. He felt like he was lurking outside the building. It wasn’t like anyone was going to give him crap for hanging around outside. Generally speaking, people on the base assumed you were where you were supposed to be and didn’t question it, well, with the exception of a few hard ass, nosy sergeants scattered about.

  The wait also had the nasty side-effect of leaving him to stew in his own thoughts as he waited on the bench outside. A million different scenarios ran through his head as he waited impatiently, and not many of them ended well. It had been six years since the two of them had seen one another, had been with one another. So much about them could have changed over those years, did Troy really want to risk another dose of heartache just because of a few good memories?

  Troy flopped bonelessly onto his bed, pushing his phone away from him so he could stare at the wall instead. He hated arguing with his father, especially when it came to Troy’s decision to join the military. It had been a sore point for the man ever since Troy had announced his decision, and his father was a bullheaded man who didn’t let things go easily.

  What should have been a simple phone call home had ended up turning into a full-blown yelling match. Troy should have known better than to bring up how much he was enjoying his work at the base, and definitely should have known not to take his father’s bait when the man made a snide comment. Now it would be days before he felt comfortable enough to call his parents again, and just when he was starting to get the first real pangs of homesickness too.

  The bed sank, and a shadow fell over him. Troy turned to look up at Oscar, who was frowning down at him.

  “How long have you been here?” Troy asked.

  “Long enough to hear you call your father a stubborn ass.”

  “Great,” Troy muttered.

  The last thing he’d wanted was for Oscar to hear his family drama. Sure, they’d been dating for months, but that didn’t mean Troy wanted to dump his bullshit on him either. Oscar only had his brother, having lost his parents at a young age, and Oscar practically worshipped his brother.

  “I bet I sounded like an ass to you, huh?” Troy asked.

  Oscar chuckled, laying himself beside Troy. Before Troy could move, he felt himself pulled backward toward the hard press of Oscar’s chest, and the man’s warmth wrapped around him as Oscar pulled him into a tight hold.

  “That depends, was your dad being a stubborn ass?” Oscar asked.

  Troy snorted. “He thinks I’m wasting my time, going into the military. That if I wanted to go into the medical field, I should have just gone to college.”

  “Old argument, huh?”

  “Well, old if you count a year and some change. But yeah, it’s come up a few times.”

  Oscar nuzzled his face against Troy’s neck. “So, why didn’t you?”

  “What?”

  “Go to college.”

  Troy shrugged. “I don’t know. It didn’t suit me. I didn’t want to spend my days working a nine to five job, trying to squeeze in as many classes as I possibly could for the next eight to ten years. I wanted to be doing stuff, and the military gave me that chance, you know? Instead of sitting around waiting to be a doctor somewhere, I can be
here, helping where I’m needed. And I like my life. I like what I’m doing.”

  Oscar kissed his neck gently. “Then that’s what matters. And probably means your dad is being a stubborn ass.”

  Troy chuckled, turning his head so he could see Oscar’s face. “Yeah?”

  Oscar smiled. “Yeah. And if he loves you, he’ll come around eventually. I think he just wants what’s best for you, and he’s stuck on what he thinks is best, instead of what works for you. Give him time.”

  “I guess. Just that now, I have to sit around being miserable because I can’t talk to my parents. I missed them, Oscar.”

  Oscar kissed him, running a finger gently along Troy’s jawline. “How about, I make you that steak dish you like so damn much?”

  Troy’s eyes widened. “That recipe you refuse to tell me?”

  “That’s the one.”

  Troy squinted. “Am I being bribed right now?”

  “That depends, is it working?”

  “It might be.”

  “Then yes.”

  Troy laughed, turning to face Oscar and bury his face in his chest. “Then I’ll let myself be bribed, but...stay with me here for a bit first?”

  “Of course,” Oscar said gently, holding Troy against his body.

  Steady. Comforting. Everything Troy needed and wanted at that moment.

  Troy smiled to himself, okay, maybe they were more than just a few good memories.

  “Troy?”

  Oscar’s voice brought his head up with a snap, blinking owlishly to find him. Oscar stood a few feet away, frowning at him. Just the sight of him was enough to send Troy’s heart racing again, remembering the press of his mouth against his, the grip of his fingers.

  Shit, he wanted more.

  Troy hopped up. “Uh, hi.”

  Oscar looked around. “What are you doing out here?”

  Suddenly self-conscious, Troy squirmed as he tried to think of something that wouldn’t make him sound like a total creep. Instead, he just went with the truth.

  “Waiting for you.”

  Oscar’s frown turned guarded. “Why?”

  Troy returned the expression, stepping closer to him. “What the hell do you mean? Why else would I be here?”

  Oscar shook his head. “I’m not doing this, Troy, not here.”

  “Then, where? Are you going to take me to your place? Come over to mine and talk to me? Or are you going to keep avoiding me?” Troy asked.

  Oscar averted his gaze. “I’m not avoiding you.”

  Well, that couldn’t have been a more blatant lie if he’d tried.

  Troy reached out, taking hold of Oscar’s arm. “Please, don’t do this to me.”

  “Do what?” Oscar asked, stopping his attempt to walk away but not turning to face Troy.

  Troy glanced around, all too aware that anything he might say could send Oscar running if there were even the slightest chance someone could overhear them. He hated it, the small feeling Oscar’s fear left him with, trapping him in a set way of behaving at all times except in private. Damn it, he just wanted to talk to Oscar, not have to tiptoe around every little thing he might have to say.

  Troy dropped his voice to a low whisper. “You kissed me.”

  Oscar closed his eyes. “I know.”

  Troy waited, seeing if there was anything that Oscar might throw onto the conversation, but there was nothing.

  “So, that’s it then?” Troy asked.

  Oscar looked up at him helplessly. “What do you want me to say, Troy?”

  “I want you to explain why. I mean, fine, you protected me, and I appreciate it, I really do. I probably wouldn’t be here, or I’d be in the hospital if it wasn’t for you. But that didn’t mean you had to do that, you didn’t have to kiss me.”

  “It was…”

  Troy’s frustration grew as Oscar closed his mouth, shaking his head.

  “What, Oscar? Were you planning on just kissing me and leaving it at that? Were you just going to pretend like it wouldn’t give me hope, like it wouldn’t make me want…”

  Now he was losing his voice, his words. All he could do was stare at Oscar, hoping against hope that the man would say something, make sense of it all.

  “Troy,” Oscar began. “I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

  Troy’s hand went limp, pulling away from Oscar’s arm. It was the answer Troy had feared, and the one he’d hoped against hope wouldn’t be the case. The faint flicker of hope that had blossomed after Oscar’s surprise kiss fluttered and faded as he gazed into the pained expression on Oscar’s face.

  “I’m sorry. I got caught up in the moment, and just…”

  Troy jerked away, his pain flaring into anger. “Just what, made a mistake? Do the rest of us a favor Oscar, and stop making mistakes that screw with other people’s hearts, how about that?”

  “That’s not fair, Troy,” Oscar growled, eyes narrowing.

  Troy jabbed him in the chest with his finger. “No, what’s not fair is you making it seem like there might be something going on, that we...that there was a chance for something else.”

  “I never said anything about that, you assumed it.”

  “Right, because kissing is such an ambiguous gesture, Oscar.”

  “I said I was sorry.”

  Troy stepped back, curling his lip. “Well, you can cram your sorry right up your ass. It was stupid of me to come here and try to talk to you. I mean hell, you’re the one who took off six years ago because you couldn’t hack it, why should I expect you to be any different now? You ran, and even now, when I’m trying to catch up with you, you’re still running.”

  Oscar looked stung by the comment, wincing. “Troy…”

  Troy shook his head, turning and walking away before he or Oscar could say anything else. He’d never felt more stupid, more humiliated than he did as he tried desperately to put as much distance between them as he could. Like some little kid who didn’t know shit about the world, Troy had let himself believe there’d been some glimmer of a chance between him and Oscar.

  He also refused to let the tears stinging his eyes flow. Just as he had in the storeroom after seeing Oscar again for the first time in years, he shoved the emotions deep into the well within himself. Troy had shed too many tears for Oscar as it was, and yeah, it hurt like hell to hope even for a moment and to have it ripped away.

  But, he had ways of dealing with his pain, and a night out was sounding real good.

  8

  Oscar

  The argument with Troy sat in Oscar’s head for the next two days. It felt like no matter what they did, they were destined to argue every time they met. It was as though, since fate had determined they’d not only be stationed at the same base, but they would also be constantly around one another, and simply waiting to be at each another’s throats.

  Before coming to Fort Dale, all Oscar wanted was to have a bit of his old life back, to have maybe a sliver of the chaos and confusion back. He’d always thrived in chaos, even if he hated it in his personal life. With the storm whirling around him, Oscar never felt more focused, more sure of himself. With Troy, though, every grip he had on his emotions, his control over his thoughts and attention, was ripped out from under him with an ease that terrified the shit out of him.

  That had always been the greatest appeal to being with Troy, and what had inevitably driven Oscar away. While they were together and everything fell into a predictable pattern, Oscar was content. But things were rarely like that with Troy, and Oscar was constantly pulled in one direction and then another. Worse yet, Oscar hardly noticed how much self-control he’d lost until near the very end. It was too easy to lose himself in Troy, to slip into the storm. That was how mistakes were made, and more than once, they’d almost been found out.

  “Oi, Oscar, you in here?” his bunkmate, Ethan called.

  Oscar held his hand against Troy’s mouth as they huddled against the dividing wall that separated them from the man’s view. Etha
n stood at the entrance to his and Oscar’s shared barracks room, looking around. Oscar could just see him through a small gap between the wall and the bed frame.

  All it would take was a few steps further into the room, and Ethan would find Oscar and Troy, naked, sweaty, and smelling of lube. Oscar cursed inwardly at the thought, not believing he had let himself lose his senses so badly. He and Ethan’s door didn’t latch closed at the best of times, and Oscar had been too distracted by Troy’s hands and lips on him to make sure it was both latched and locked.

  Another voice called from the hallway. “He in there?”

  Ethan grunted. “Don’t look like it. Must be staying at his girl’s place again.”

  Another private, Cody, grew louder as he approached. “You think he’s hiding her because he wants her all to himself, or is she like, just that ugly?”

  “Dude, I don’t know. But he’s not answering my texts either. Fine, if he wants to miss out on another night out, that’s on him, fuck it,” Ethan grunted, stomping out of the room.

  Once the door was closed, Oscar listened intently to the sound of their fading conversation before he released his hand from Troy’s mouth. It wasn’t their first close call, but it was definitely the closest they’d come to being found out. Christ, all it would have taken was just a second longer of reaction time on his and Troy’s part, and for Ethan to have been looking in the direction of the bed as he’d entered.

  Troy let out a shaky laugh. “Well, that was close.”

  “Close? Troy, that was damn near busted,” Oscar hissed.

  What the hell was it about this man that made him lose his senses? It wasn’t like Oscar hadn’t fucked other guys or even dated a few before. Yet not one of them had made him lose all self-control and throw caution to the wind like it was nothing, not like Troy did. None of his previous relationships, serious or sexual, had ever brought him even close to being caught.

  God, he couldn’t keep doing this.

  Troy had always been so flippant about their near misses, but he could afford to be. Troy had been out long before he’d ever signed up for the military. He’d grown up in a decent neighborhood, with loving parents, and a liberal community at school. Coming out for him was as easy as breathing was for others, and he’d never had to worry what being seen as outside the normal might mean for him and his wellbeing, not like Oscar.