Here We Go Again

by Romeo Alexander

  “I’m sorry,” Oscar said, not knowing what else he was supposed to say.

  Gabriel’s blazing eyes tipped upward, looking over Oscar’s shoulder, and his words faltered. Oscar turned to follow his brother’s gaze and tensed when he saw Troy standing in the doorway. Troy’s eyes were moving slowly between the two of them, his mouth a thin, downturned line.

  “Troy?” Oscar asked hoarsely.

  Troy’s expression never changed. “I’m going to head out, let you guys have some privacy to deal with this, okay?”

  Oscar frowned, watching Troy as the man turned without another word and headed toward the door. While he appreciated Troy’s willingness to let Oscar deal with this problem on his own, he hated knowing he wouldn’t have Troy with him when the bombs were done dropping. He watched in total silence as Troy slipped his boots on, absently checking his pockets for his keys before opening the door and stepping out.

  Before Troy closed the door, he turned and looked back into the apartment, locking eyes with Oscar. Time seemed to freeze, and Oscar found himself remembering the night he’d left Troy’s apartment six years before. Back then, there had been rage as well as pain, but the Troy of the modern-day only looked distraught and utterly hopeless. Troy’s bright blue eyes were dull and full of despair, disappearing only when Troy closed the door.

  “Troy,” Oscar whispered.

  Gabriel grunted. “Oscar, we’re talking here.”

  Oscar’s heart thumped as he continued staring at the door. He realized at that moment, as he felt his normally understanding brother’s patience draining fast. Oscar’s stomach clenched as he realized that Troy’s face as he was walking away hadn’t shown understanding, not in the true sense. It had shown utter defeat, the look of a man who had watched his dream nearly come true before finally being torn away at the last second.

  It had been Troy’s goodbye.

  “Shit,” Oscar hissed, pushing off the chair and making for the door.

  “Oscar!” Gabriel called after him.

  “Just wait there,” Oscar snapped.

  Stiff from sleep and his medication having worn off, his hurried pacing down the steps was stilted and painful. Grunting as he hit the landing, Oscar made his way outside toward the parking lot. Looking around frantically, he tried to spot Troy’s blond head as he hobbled toward the sidewalk. His heart leaped in his chest as he spotted a moving vehicle coming around the corner and heading toward the exit of the parking lot.

  Without hesitating, Oscar limped his way into the path of the car. Troy’s car came to a stop several feet before he hit Oscar. Letting out a breath of relief, Oscar made his way around to stand at the driver’s side window. Troy looked up at him, a muted version of the distraught expression on his face as he rolled down the window.

  “Don’t,” Oscar said hurriedly.

  Troy smiled sadly. “It’s okay, Oscar. I’m just...getting out of your hair.”

  Oscar leaned onto the car, both to get closer to Troy and to take some of the pressure off his hip. “No, you’re not, you’re taking off. I know what a final glance as you go out the door looks like Troy, I’ve done it.”

  Troy snorted softly. “I guess you do.”

  “And I don’t want you doing it.”

  Troy gestured helplessly. “What am I supposed to do, Oscar? Everything you’ve ever been terrified of just came bursting through the door, and now the secret is...well, it’s out, unless you come up with some really good excuse that makes him think that’s not the case.”

  Oscar frowned. “You think I’d lie to him?”

  “I don’t know what someone who’s scared shitless will do when they’re backed into the corner.”

  It was a little too late to take it back, since Oscar had already pretty much owned up to everything in front of Gabriel. The truth was, there was no lie he could tell that would back him up, Oscar had unconsciously backed himself into the corner. There was no other direction to go, but forward, the secret was out, and now all Oscar could do was to find where the pieces lay. He had no idea what was waiting for him back in the apartment, but he knew he didn’t want to lose Troy over it.

  Oscar shook his head. “He already knows, and because of a conversation I had with him before I came to your apartment, he already knows who you are.”

  “Oh.”

  “So, there’s really no point in trying to hide it.”

  Troy chewed on that for a minute, and Oscar realized in a rush that he took an absurd amount of relief from that fact. He’d spent so many years keeping his brother from knowing the truth about him, now that Gabriel knew, the paranoia and fear were useless. Sure, he was still half-panicked about how his brother was going to continue to take the news, and if there was any hope whatsoever in not losing the only family he’d ever had, but God, Oscar was free of his former fear.

  Oscar leaned in, taking Troy’s hand. “And I don’t want to lose you over this, okay? I’ve lost you once because of my own stupidity, and I’ve got you back. I don’t want to lose you again just because shit hit the fan.”

  Troy looked up, eyes widening. “What?”

  “You heard me. Come back in there with me, please. I’m freaking the fuck out about Gabriel, but that doesn’t mean I want you to go away, and certainly not for good. Whatever happens with Gabriel is going to happen, but after it’s over, I want you there with me at the end, okay?”

  Troy blinked. “You do?”

  The tension in Oscar’s chest loosened as he nodded. “Please.”

  Troy reached up, stroking Oscar’s cheek. “Okay, just let me park again.”

  Oscar smiled, backing away from the car and watching. Despite Troy’s assurance, Oscar had almost been afraid that Troy might still just gun it and get out of there before the shit splattered him too. Relief and hope rose as he watched Troy back up and drive into a spot, sliding out of his car to walk over to him.

  Troy looked him over, shaking his head. “You need to take your meds.”

  “That can wait,” Oscar murmured, hobbling his way back to the apartment building.

  “I can’t believe you ran down here, you could have called me,” Troy said as they mounted the stairs.

  Oscar stopped at his door, blinking as he realized Troy was right. In that new light, his sudden, desperate sprint down the stairs seemed even more dramatic than it had at first.

  “Oh, well, shit,” Oscar huffed.

  Troy laughed, reaching up to pull Oscar down into a soft kiss. “It’s sweet. A little dumb since you put yourself through more pain than was necessary, but sweet.”

  Oscar melted against the kiss, accepting the warm comfort from Troy. Reaching up, he cupped the back of Troy’s head and pulled him tighter against him, taking every bit of pleasure he could from it. Troy’s smile was still on his face as Oscar backed away, and he felt a little stronger, a little more prepared for what was to come.

  Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and stepped back into the apartment. Surprisingly, Gabriel had listened to Oscar and stayed on the couch. He looked up as the two of them entered, the frown on his brother’s face deepening.

  “Okay, are we good now?” Gabriel asked.

  Oscar hobbled into the living room, standing before his brother. He hadn’t realized he had something to say until he stared down at the other man. When he felt Troy approach from behind, though, Oscar realized he knew exactly what he wanted to say.

  “Listen,” Oscar said, cutting his brother off before he could interrupt. “You’re right, I have been keeping this from you, I’ve been keeping it from everyone, okay? And I’m sorry, but I’m gay, and I’ve known it for years now.”

  Gabriel looked between Oscar and Troy, frowning in confusion. “But…”

  Oscar shook his head. “I never planned to tell anyone to be honest, and I did everything I could to keep it a secret. But, you just...coming in kind of took that away. Which I suppose I should be happy about, because now I don’t have to hide it anymore, I don’t have to be freaked abou
t people finding out, or what they’ll do...what you’ll do.”

  “Me?” Gabriel asked startled.

  “Yes, you. You’re the only family I have, Gabriel. I love you to death, you’re my brother, my father, and a friend, but this...I’m not letting this get in the way of my life anymore, okay? I lost Troy because I pushed him away over this years ago. I walked away because I was so scared of someone finding out about us that I was willing to leave the best thing I’d ever had behind me.”

  “That’s why?” Gabriel continued, still trying to get a word in edgewise.

  Oscar wasn’t deterred, however. “And despite all the love I have for you, and how much I want you to love me and continue to be my brother, I’m not going to back down from this. I’m in love with Troy, and I’m going to continue to be with him no matter what. So say what you’re going to say, freak out if you have to, but I’m not going to continue letting my life get torn apart because I’m too scared to speak the truth.”

  And there it was, everything he hadn’t realized he’d been feeling under all the fear and all the worry. His life had been dictated by that fear, and too many choices had been affected by his paranoia. Gabriel knew the truth, the one great fear Oscar had had throughout his life, but he’d found an even greater fear among it all, losing Troy.

  And that wasn’t going to happen, not if he could help it. So he would face his brother, and he would wait defiantly, albeit with stuttering breath, for Gabriel to say something. His brother continued to stare at him with a dumbfounded expression. Oscar wasn’t sure if the man was gearing up for another diatribe, or if he was just overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information Oscar had thrown at him.

  “Well?” Oscar asked, his nerves getting the best of him.

  Gabriel shook his head. “You’re an idiot.”

  15

  Troy

  Troy was torn between absolute fury and worry as he heard Gabriel’s first words since Oscar had gone on his tirade. At the same time, his heart swelled beyond belief with love for Oscar, proud of him for finally having taken a stand. It might not have been the circumstances Troy would have chosen for Oscar to have to face, but he was indescribably thrilled at how Oscar had done it.

  He should have known it would require Oscar to face it directly, fighting a threat staring him in the face. Troy reached out, squeezing Oscar’s arm, letting him know he was there.

  “What?” Oscar demanded.

  “I said you’re an idiot,” Gabriel repeated.

  Troy’s irritation grew too strong for him to keep his peace. “Seriously? That’s all you have to say? Your brother just laid everything out for you, told you he’s suffered for keeping this a secret, and all you can do is call him an idiot?”

  Oscar looked over his shoulder. “Troy…”

  Troy shook his head. “No, absolutely the fuck not. I’m not going to stand here and pretend like you haven’t gone through hell and back in your life, and just because you didn’t want people to know you’re gay. Well, I’m sorry it came out this way, but I’m not sorry he knows. And considering how hard this has been for you, how freaked out you’ve been, he owes you a lot more than an insult.”

  Gabriel’s eyes, shaped and colored so much like his younger brother’s, were filled with wry amusement. “Well, it’s nice to know my brother is dating someone who can go toe to toe with him. I bet you’re not afraid to give him shit.”

  Troy blinked in confusion. “I...well, yeah?”

  Gabriel shook his head. “I didn’t call my brother an idiot because he’s gay, or because he’s dating you.”

  “Then why am I being insulted?” Oscar asked, sounding torn between annoyance and confusion.

  Gabriel stood up, and Troy realized the man was a few inches shorter than Oscar. “I called you an idiot because you thought it was necessary to keep this to yourself for so goddamn long.”

  Oscar’s emotion turned to confusion. “Huh?”

  “First of all, I’m you goddamn older brother, and I’ll love you no matter the fuck what. Second of all, when the hell have I given you any idea that I would give a shit where you stick your dick or who you share your bed with? Third of all…” Gabriel continued, punctuating his final point with a smack on the side of Oscar’s head.

  “Ow! What the fuck, Gabriel!” Oscar protested, rubbing the offending spot.

  “You’re an idiot,” Gabriel repeated.

  “Fuck you. You were the one acting like you were pissed off,” Oscar snarled.

  Gabriel frowned. “I am pissed off, Oscar, especially after hearing more of the story. I’m pissed that you thought you needed to keep this from me, and I’m doubly pissed because you went through some stupid martyr quest over it. I hate that you kept this a secret from me, and I’m worried about what I did that made you think you needed to. Fuck’s sake Oscar, I help people make peace with who they are for a living, why would that suddenly stop with you, my goddamn brother?”

  Oscar looked to Troy, who shrugged helplessly. “Sorry, babe, but I’m not going to be much help here.”

  He’d been expecting a little bit more of a tirade, maybe some things being thrown. From how badly Oscar had been afraid of Gabriel knowing about them, Troy had anticipated an absolute disaster. From the visible confusion on Oscar’s face, though, it looked like Troy wasn’t the only one lost as to what to say or do now it looked like Gabriel was perfectly fine with the news.

  Oscar blinked. “Uh, I mean...what the hell am I supposed to say here?”

  “You’re supposed to say you’re sorry for keeping this from me while admitting you’re an idiot, and then introduce me to the guy who somehow managed to rope my brother in and tie him down,” Gabriel offered.

  Oscar’s mouth flapped uselessly for a moment until he found his voice. “I’m sorry, Gabriel. I never thought you would, but I should have. So, I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you enough.”

  Gabriel raised a brow. “And?”

  Oscar snorted. “And I’m an idiot.”

  Gabriel reached out and pulled Oscar into a tight bear hug. “You’re damn right you are, you miserable bastard. I just want your grumpy ass to be happy for once, you got me?”

  Oscar returned the hug, burying his face in his brother’s neck as he did so. Troy’s eyes stung as he watched the brothers embrace and took a step back out of the room. It was clear that this was the right time for him to give them the moment of solitude they so desperately needed, and Troy made sure was his departure as quiet as possible.

  Still smiling to himself, Troy walked down the hallway, returning to Oscar’s room. He knew sooner or later, Oscar was going to realize that he wasn’t there anymore and would want him back. Undoubtedly the three of them would sit and talk, and Troy would finally get to know the other man in more than just stories or comments.

  Best of all, Troy could feel the tension released from his chest, the same feeling that had been there for six years. The ‘secret’ might not have been out to everyone, but Oscar had finally come out to his brother. Troy realized more than anything that he’d always wished his brother been the one person Oscar had confided in, taking a chance to let his brother know the truth. The rest of the world was secondary to Oscar’s greatest fear of being found out, and now the first was taken care of.

  And Troy was more than happy to wait for Oscar, feeling warm at the thought that maybe, everything would finally okay.

  Gabriel reached out and took Troy’s hand in his, squeezing it and giving it a shake. “Well, thank you for being there for my brother this whole time.”

  “I don’t know about the whole time,” Troy said, glancing over his shoulder to the living room.

  Oscar shrugged. “Just take the compliment, so I don’t have to listen to another explanation of how I’m an idiot.”

  “Well, he is an idiot, but he’s an idiot that learns,” Gabriel said with a wink.

  Troy gave Oscar a smile. “He does alright.”

  “Thanks, babe.”

  Gabriel finally
released Troy’s hand. “It’s just nice to know that he has someone finally, and for good this time, I hope. Dumbass has been alone for so long. I can rest easy knowing that he’s got someone watching his back...and maybe giving him a little hell too.”

  Troy laughed. “Well, that I can definitely manage.”

  “Been managing,” Oscar corrected.

  “At least now I don’t have to wonder if I need to come by and check on him,” Gabriel said.

  Oscar frowned. “Yeah, speaking of, what the hell are you doing here early anyway? You weren’t supposed to show up till next week, with the whole brood in tow.”

  Gabriel grimaced. “Well, when you make the mistake of telling your very worried wife that your little brother seems to be having a hard time by himself, she has a way of getting you to go check on him. Even if that check involves flying a few states over and dropping in unexpectedly on him and his boyfriend naked in bed.”

  “Wait, Anne is the reason you’re here?” Oscar asked incredulously.

  “Look, if you want to take issue with it, you go right ahead and call her and do it yourself. There’s no way in hell I’m going to argue with that woman when she’s got her mind set on something,” Gabriel said.

  Oscar shook his head. “Don’t look at me. I’m not fucking doing it.”

  “Well, then, now you know.”

  Troy hummed thoughtfully. “Do I get to meet the woman who managed to terrify both of you into submission?”

  “Submission? Like hell!” Oscar protested.

  Gabriel winked. “We’ll be coming by next weekend. I’ll be sure to tell her all about you, and I know she’s going to want to sit down and get to know you even better. I hope you like to talk for hours on end.”

  “I would say he stops when he’s sleeping, but actually he sleep talks,” Oscar said dryly, still glaring at Troy accusingly.

  Troy gasped. “That is a lie!”

  “Right, because you didn’t have a full conversation with me once during a nap. About cat sailors,” Oscar said, arching a brow.