Making Her Mark

by Renée Dahlia

  ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘Like this morning when Justa Lad dumped me. I swear that horse thinks he sees gremlins sometimes. He spun around so quickly, just as I was putting my feet up in the stirrups. I wasn’t ready for the sudden change and toppled off the side.’

  Allira glanced at her, her gaze flicking across Rachel’s shoulder.

  ‘It’s fine. I’m not even bruised. And he might be flighty, but at least he’s keen once he’s going.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Rachel smiled. Justa Lad had gorgeous floating action, and he’d galloped so well this morning. ‘You asked about getting them to do anything. Justa Lad loves to run, and he eats up the turf once you ask him for top speed.’

  ‘So they love it?’

  Rachel nodded. ‘Most of them. They’ve been bred to run for over 300 years; it’s instinct. But there have been a few horses banned from racing lately because they refused to race properly. There is a famous one in England, who I’d love to meet.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I have a thing, my agent calls it a special affinity, with cranky old geldings. The ones who’ve been around a stable for ages and know all the tricks. Mad Moose, he’s the English horse, would stand at the start of a race and refuse to start, and then on other days, he’d race with perfect manners. No one could guess which would happen each time.’

  ‘Reminds me of the head nurse in the ER, some days she’s amazing, others she’s gruff and dreadful.’

  Rachel grinned, ‘Yeah, people are quirky and so are horses. The bit that I love most about Mad Moose is that after he got banned from racing, he went off to be a show horse, and he still does it. He’ll stand outside the arena and refuse to move, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.’

  ‘What a personality!’

  Rachel bit the inside of her cheek to stop blurting out how bloody nice it was to sit and chat with someone without any tension between them. A sudden swamping wave rolled through her torso—she’d been living in a constant state of walking on eggshells around Lisa—and now it was gone. She hadn’t even noticed it was there until the weight had been lifted away. Relationships obviously weren’t for her, she was going back to independence. If she needed sex, well, there were hundreds of people in clubs every night wanting just the same thing. Scratch the itch, stay strong and single. She didn’t want to need anyone, and obviously couldn’t rely on them to turn up and be there for her. A niggling sound in her ear reminded her she was being unfair to Allira—the one person who had come to her sixteenth birthday party, and who had been there for her when Lisa had trampled on her. Allira, her one true friend outside her family.

  ‘Tell me more about the ER nurse.’ She wanted to pull the comment back inside as soon as it was out, because it sounded harsh and awkward, and she hadn’t meant that at all. She only wanted to connect a little bit with someone, when it wasn’t complicated by sex or family expectation.

  ‘There isn’t much to tell. I can’t decide if she’s just been in the job for too long, or if it’s me.’

  Rachel stared at Allira. ‘It can’t be you. Why would it be you?’

  ‘Shreya and I get along most of the time, but sometimes she can be really abrupt. Mostly when things are really busy.’

  ‘If it’s busy, how is that about you?’

  Allira grimaced. ‘I can be quite demanding when under pressure. I always apologise afterwards, but I can’t seem to help it.’

  ‘Have you thought that maybe she is the same? And you both just need to be okay with doing the job bluntly when it’s tough?’ Rachel asked. She didn’t know anything about ER, except for the times she’d ended up there after a fall. Doctors and nurses rushed about, flinging incomprehensible phrases at each other, and somehow knowing exactly what to do. Watching their dance always filled her with confidence that she’d be fine. Allira’s grimace disappeared, and a slow smile started to form across her face.

  ‘I hadn’t considered that. Thanks.’ Allira’s phone rang, and Rachel sent a quick thanks to whoever was calling. Now she wouldn’t need to stress about what to talk about next, or to deal with Allira’s compliment of her idea. She stabbed a tomato and slipped it into her mouth. Balsamic vinegar added a bit of zing to the fresh richness of the tomato.

  ‘Jacob. What’s up?’

  Rachel picked up her phone and thumbed through her social feed, so she didn’t have to listen to what Allira was saying to her very sexy brother. The last thing she needed right now was a rebound fuck—although it might be the perfect thing to clear Lisa out of her system. Hell, what was she doing thinking about him at all? Just because he held himself with utter confidence, and had an athlete’s physique with broad shoulders, and chest muscles that ached to be touched, didn’t mean she should be entertaining any kind of thoughts about him. For an AFL player he wasn’t too tall, a touch over six foot, the same height as her brothers, and she liked that he didn’t use his height to tower over her. Rachel had a soft spot for the style of understated confidence Jacob had, the way he didn’t need to posture or prove himself. Perfectly fuckable, except … She hauled in a deep breath—sex with Allira’s brother wasn’t exactly the best way to thank Allira for her help. Just another example of how she’d made a mess of her life.

  ‘Hey, Rachel, how is the shoulder? Jacob wants to know.’

  Rachel reluctantly put down her phone and tugged down her shirt to show Allira the lack of bruising on her shoulder. She always rode trackwork in a back protector, and the edge of the vest had dug into her arm a little on impact leaving a small pinch bruise, but nothing to stress about.

  ‘She was right. Just mud.’ Allira sent a grin in Rachel’s direction, and she acknowledged it with a thumbs up before putting her clothes to rights. The radio hummed with tunes in the background as Allira listened to whatever her brother was saying.

  ‘Stop. This isn’t a big deal. Rachel can stay here as long as she needs.’

  Tension ratcheted up inside her. She really needed to spend some time working out what to do, but she had a full book of rides tomorrow at Echuca, and with the driving time, and trackwork before she left, she wouldn’t be getting much of anything done. Maybe she should text her agent to organise a day off on Friday? Then she could find a new flat and move her crap out of Lisa’s place. With city racing on Wednesdays and Saturdays and country racing on every other day, Rachel hardly ever had a day off, especially in spring with so many young horses debuting. A day not riding meant a day not earning money, or winning on the next potential champion, and she hated giving up the opportunity to another keener jockey. Today, a Sunday to herself, aside from trackwork, was a rare thing, and wouldn’t happen again until the end of the spring carnival. Maybe she shouldn’t have used the day to indulgently watch a movie alone, hiding from the world, while Allira went out for lunch. She should have confronted her broken heart and moved on. Broken heart? More like wounded ego. Huh, a whole lot of her time with Lisa suddenly made sense. She’d fallen for Lisa because Lisa wanted her, not for any other reason. She’d always known it was more lust than love. Lisa had a luscious body with full breasts, soft, plump, and gorgeous, but the whole mess had been Rachel’s fault. Lisa had strayed because Rachel hadn’t been able to give her everything Lisa needed. Either that or Lisa was a cheating bitch. The knot in her stomach tied tighter, as her thoughts whizzed around, back and forth. Rachel’s fault. Lisa’s fault. On repeat. Allira’s voice raised up, infiltrating Rachel’s cyclical worry.

  ‘Jacob. I’m a grown-up. I don’t need your big brother act. She isn’t taking advantage of me. Rachel is a friend, she stuck by me at high school … Yeah, it’s cool. Leave it, okay?’

  The idea that Jacob pegged her as a freeloader made the knot in her stomach turn into a wave of nausea. She pressed her hands against her stomach as a desperation to move out as soon as possible flooded her brain. Live alone and sort out her crap. No more relationships, no more lusting, until she’d figured out how to see other people properly. No more
cheats taking advantage of her. No more lies from people she thought were friends, but who told everyone not to come to her birthday party because she was queer. She wanted to cackle furiously, hysterically with irony, especially given what Jacob was obviously saying about her. Why couldn’t she be physically attracted to nice, honest people? Why did she find confident arrogance so thrilling? Perhaps it was time to focus on her career, especially now that she had a Group One victory under her belt.

  She texted Static Alarm’s trainer to see if he wanted her to ride the filly in trackwork tomorrow. The response took three long minutes to arrive. She gasped. She’d been dumped. The owners wanted a senior jockey on Static Alarm for her next start, and that jockey would be doing all her trackwork from now on.

  ‘But I am a senior jockey, damn it.’ Rachel punched the couch. The trainer’s use of senior to mean male made her blood rage in her veins.

  ‘Are you alright?’ Allira had ended her phone call and returned her focus in Rachel’s direction.

  Rachel gritted her teeth. She couldn’t share all her problems with Allira. ‘You keep asking that question.’

  ‘And you keep avoiding the answer.’

  ‘I’m fine.’ She wasn’t fine, but she couldn’t stomach a long explanation of sexism in racing. Not on top of everything else.

  Allira held up her hands. ‘Okay, okay. I’ll stop pushing. I’m here when you are ready to talk.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Rachel’s shoulders slumped as guilt washed over her skin. Allira had been kind, and Rachel didn’t want to abuse her generosity.

  ‘It’s just a work problem,’ she sighed. Part of her had known they would replace her as Static Alarm’s jockey, but she’d hoped it wouldn’t happen. ‘Here, give me your dishes. I’ll sort them out, then go to bed now. I have to be up early for trackwork.’

  ‘You don’t have to.’

  ‘I do. You’ve been more than generous with your house, Allira. Of course I can do the dishes.’

  Allira crinkled her nose. ‘I have a dishwasher.’

  ‘Then I’ll stack it … Unless you are one of those people who has a system, and no one else can do it right.’ Rachel teased, and Allira laughed.

  ‘That’s me. You should see my files at work. Neat, tidy, ordered.’

  Rachel grinned and pressed her hand to her forehead. ‘Oh, the pressure. I’m not the neatest person, but I won’t be here for long.’

  ‘Actually, I had a thought while talking to Jacob—’

  ‘Yeah?’

  Allira cleared her throat. ‘It’d be cool if you moved in properly. I’ve been thinking about getting a housemate for a while, and you’d be perfect.’

  ‘Really?’ Rachel stood awkwardly holding her plate in one hand, and her other hand stuck in the air, reaching out for Allira’s plate. ‘How much rent do you want? This is a nice part of town.’

  ‘We can work out what you can afford. It’s more that I like the idea of having someone in the house while I’m at work, and someone I can talk to when I’m home.’

  ‘Oh. I might not be the best person then. I work really long hours.’

  Allira’s eyebrows raised. ‘How long? More than an ER doctor?’

  ‘Trackwork six days a week, sometimes seven, from four am till ten, then races most days. I try to take Mondays off, but in spring with so many good horses around, I tend to ride every day.’

  ‘Ok, if this was a competition, you’d win.’

  Rachel shrugged. ‘It’s not a competition. It’s just that all jockeys are self-employed, and if I don’t ride, I don’t earn.’

  ‘Can I ask a personal question?’

  Rachel put the plate back on the coffee table. ‘Sure. I mean, you’ve seen my ex. I don’t have any secrets.’

  ‘That one took me by surprise. I’d always thought the rumours at school were just people being mean.’ Allira smiled tightly, and Rachel appreciated the way Allira steered clear of the details of that day.

  Rachel sighed. ‘Nope, not made up. I tried not to tell anyone at high school, mostly because I was just figuring it all out myself, and also because, you know, we grew up in a small town, and being bisexual comes with a bunch of bigotry.’

  ‘Fair enough … Bi?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Rachel paused, her heart caught in the back of her throat. ‘You must know it’s why no one but you came to my party that day? The last time we saw each other … Because Rebecca—’

  Allira rolled her eyes, ‘she thought she was so special.’

  ‘Popular will do that. Anway, she saw me looking at a photo and jumped to conclusions. It’s not a big deal right?’

  ‘No. I figured you were lesbian because—’

  Rachel nodded once. ‘Right, because of the rumour and because you saw me break up with Lisa. It’s a spectrum, you know. Just as some people have a big libido, and others not so much.’

  ‘Sorry if it’s prying.’ Allira looked down at the ground.

  ‘Nah, it’s fine to ask. I’m out and proud now. That day hurt like a bitch, but it was a long time ago.’ Rachel waited for Allira to look up again. ‘Look, if it’s an issue, I can move out,’ Rachel continued in a softer tone.

  ‘It’s not an issue. If it was an issue, I wouldn’t have invited you here in the first place.’

  ‘If it wasn’t an issue, you’d look at me. No, I’m sorry, you’ve been a great friend and you don’t deserve my anger.’ Rachel stumbled over her apology. She sucked in a deep breath and steadied herself. ‘We should talk about rent. I want to pay my way properly.’

  Allira blinked at the abrupt change in subject. ‘Apology accepted. I do understand how frustrating it is to deal with intolerant types. Argh, talking about money is so awkward. How about you just pick a figure and we’ll go from there?’

  ‘Like a negotiation?’ Rachel’s throat filled with a twitchiness. ‘What is the standard rate for rent in this suburb? I don’t want your brother to think I’m taking advantage of you.’

  ‘Don’t worry about Jacob. He can’t help his big brother act.’ Allira sighed. ‘We didn’t grow up together, because he left to go to boarding school in year seven, and I swear he still thinks of me as the little girl I was when he left.’

  Rachel giggled. ‘Brothers. I have two of them, and I’m sure they think the same about me and Serena. Damn it, when are they going to notice that we aren’t kids anymore?’

  ‘Yes. Exactly.’ Allira’s face broke out in a wide grin. ‘That’s resolved it. Move in. It’s going to be fun.’

  Rachel couldn’t let herself hope Allira was telling the truth.

  Chapter 4

  Jacob paced around the clubhouse after training, frustrated at his uncertainty about Allira’s new housemate. Allira should have someone she trusted in her house, as he hated the idea that she was alone when she came home from work, tired. He understood she was an independent grown-up, of course, but she was also his baby sister, and he wanted to know she was safe and happy. The uncertainty came from her choice of housemate, Rachel Bassett. He couldn’t put his finger on why she irritated him, hence why he was pacing back and forth rubbing his hand over his short hair. It’d only been a few days since Allira mentioned Rachel was moving in permanently, yet he couldn’t get rid of these conflicting thoughts. The image of Rachel standing in Allira’s driveway, with mud all down one side of her tidy body, felt glued to the back of his eyeballs. Taunting him with her athletic presence. He wanted to be able to label this nagging feeling lust, and leave it at that, but there was something else ungraspable between them. If he’d been less logical, he would have called it quackery, the way the air vibrated between them, a charge in the particles zipping around her. He tamped down these wayward thoughts, having spent enough of his high school years dealing with the nonsense people wanted to believe about his culture. Connection to land didn’t mean magic, at least, not in the western view of it.

  ‘Hey, Lawless, mate, do you know anything about this punter’s club The Palace keeps going on about?’ Craig asked. Jacob p
aused mid-stride and turned towards the other Aboriginal player in his team, shaking his head at the question. Their team mate, nicknamed The Palace thanks to his surname Grandhomme, continually chased glory, be it the latest set of footy groupies, or a get-rich-quick scheme, or the newest game on his beloved gaming machine.

  ‘Nah. But you know The Palace, he always has some new fad that he’s into.’

  ‘True. I reckon this one is legit though.’

  Jacob bit back his pedantic response about the way Craig shortened legitimate. They already called him Lawless, in typical Aussie irony, thanks to his desire to become a lawyer once he retired. He didn’t need to remind them all by correcting the latest fad language.

  ‘What makes you say that?’

  ‘The Palace invested a couple of g’s and he’s just bought a new car with the winnings.’

  Jacob’s skin prickled. ‘How does that work?’

  ‘It’s a punting club. You put in some cash, and this guy puts it on the horses for you,’ Craig said.

  ‘Sounds like a good way to lose money.’

  Craig pulled a face and scratched his cheek. ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought at first. I can lose money on the horses without giving it to someone else to do it for me. But then The Palace bought a car, and he reckons this punter’s club is the real deal.’

  ‘Sounds a bit too good to be true, mate.’ Jacob had a bad feeling about this scheme, and his stomach clenched.

  ‘Do you reckon it’s a bit sus?’

  ‘Suspect?’ Jacob couldn’t help himself.

  ‘Yeah. I mean, you know about that kind of thing, don’t you?’ Craig asked. Jacob ground his teeth and blinked. He knew nothing about gambling or horse racing, aside from the image of Rachel covered in dirt and outrageous confidence.

  ‘What kind of thing?’

  ‘You know, like law stuff.’

  Jacob breathed out slowly. ‘I’m only studying pre-law at the moment, but yeah, as a general rule if something sounds suspect, then it probably is.’ A gasp stuck in his throat and he coughed. ‘I know someone I can ask about it, if you want. Don’t put your money in just yet.’