In To Her

by JA Huss

  She just stares at me.

  “We’re born. We live. We die. That’s all there is to it.”

  She exhales out a long breath. Like she’s been holding it in for a while. “So who cares?” she says. “If there’s no point then it doesn’t matter.”

  I shrug. “The point is to have experiences, Yvette. To learn things. To explore, to need, to love, to hate, to win. To lose,” I add. “It’s just about experiences. That’s it. And some of them are good. And some of them are bad. But all of them add up to just one thing in the end.”

  “What?” she whispers. “What do they add up to? Disappointment and regrets? Because that’s all I’ve gotten so far.”

  I stand up, cross the small distance between us, and tap her on the head. “No. They add up to you, Yvette.”

  “What?” she asks, making a face.

  “You,” I say. “There is only one you. So the only point of life is to be you. That’s it. Whatever that is. Whatever that means. Nothing more. Nothing less. It’s just… a ride, ya know? There’s no winners. We’re all losers in the end. We’re all gonna die. So what’s the point in quitting the game early when we already know how it ends?”

  She shakes her head. Lets out half a laugh. “That doesn’t make me feel better.”

  “Yeah, because your life sucks right now. Well, it did. Then Logan and I walked into your bar and the fucking sun came out.”

  She smiles for real now. “You’re stupid, AJ.”

  “So I’ve been told. Many times, believe me. But I’m also right.”

  I take the pill bottle out of my pocket and place it on top of the jukebox.

  Yvette looks at it, then at me.

  But I just shrug. “Fuck it. You wanna quit early? Go ahead. But I’d just like to say… you’re not you yet.” I tap her on the head again. “You’re still baking, cookie. You’re still doughy inside. You can come out of the oven now and the world won’t end. Hell, I love me a half-baked cookie. But if you just give it a few more minutes you’ll cook all the way through.”

  She looks at Logan.

  “Don’t look at him,” I say, tipping her chin back in my direction. “He’s not in charge of you. Only you are in charge of you. What he does is his business. He’s playing his game. He’s gathering up all his experiences, just like the rest of us. And we have nothing to do with his decisions.”

  “He wants to kill me. You came here to kill me.”

  “Well, I changed my mind.”

  She looks at Logan again. “He hasn’t.”

  “No. He hasn’t,” I say. “And he can do whatever he wants.” And now I look at Logan. “But he’s done a pretty shitty job at playing the game of life so far, so I wouldn’t worry too hard about it.”

  We’re all silent for a few minutes. Long, agonizing, awkward minutes.

  So I get up off my stool and stand next to her, choose a song and say, “Play that one.”

  She looks up at me, then back down at the machine. Punches in a code that gives her free access, and plays the song.

  I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes comes on and I offer her my hand. “Would you like to dance?”

  She frowns so deep for a second I think she might cry. But then she sucks in a deep breath of air and nods her head.

  I fold her into my arms and she sinks. Her cheek resting right up against my shoulder as we begin to sway.

  I look down at her as she looks up at me.

  And then she closes her eyes.

  We dance like that. Barely moving. Just a little shuffle of bare feet. Her warming me up in the cold room. The storm still raging outside.

  And then Logan is next to us. Pulling us apart.

  He says, “Come on. Let’s go to bed. This day is done.”

  Chapter Seventeen - YVETTE

  One day. A single day, out of all the days I’ve lived.

  One day can change everything.

  I should know that by now. It’s happened enough before. The day I met Damon, for example. The day I married him. The day I left.

  All single days that changed my life. The first two made it worse but the last one definitely made it better.

  I met Chris and we fell in love. I met his father and they gave me a new home. I gave birth. That was a good day.

  But then I left the baby behind and that was bad.

  Still, life went on. Just like AJ said. And more good things happened. I got pregnant again. Had another baby and this time I got to keep her.

  But then Daniel got sick and died.

  But still there were Chris and Bonnie. We raised Bonnie for almost two years before the “accident”. We had two glorious years as a real family.

  The thing that scares me the most about this game of life is that you’re never safe. Like AJ said, you never win. We all know we’re going to lose.

  I understood this before AJ gave me his pep talk. Instincts, I guess. But no one has ever spelled it out like that before. I guess anyone who doesn’t figure this out is just in denial. Or dumb. But everyone plays the game at their own pace.

  So he’s right. It’s the experiences that count. The memories. The time we get.

  This is just life.

  And even though it feels like we’re all playing by different rules because there are men out there like Damon and women out there like me, and some people are born rich and some are born super poor, and some are smart, and some are not, and some get more chances, more lucky breaks, we’re still playing by the same rules.

  We’re born. We live. We die.

  That’s it.

  What we do with the live part is up to us.

  So I could take those pills and end the game early. But what will I miss? What experiences are waiting for me if I don’t check out early? What could I learn that I haven’t yet learned? Where could I go? Who could I meet?

  If you had asked me the day before I escaped from Damon if I would ever be happy again I’d have said no.

  Never. Ever. Life sucks. Kill me now. I’m done.

  But I’d have missed out on so, so much. All the best days of my life came after that one day.

  Maybe Logan will kill me tomorrow and it’s over. Just like that.

  Or maybe he won’t and I try something new?

  Maybe I give AJ a try?

  And maybe Logan does too?

  I don’t know. It’s all too much to think about right now. I’m tired. And I drank too much today. And I didn’t eat.

  But I have no energy left to deal.

  Logan takes my hand just as we get to the stairs and leads me up to the apartment door. Inside it’s chillier than it was earlier. The fire in the wood stove is just glowing embers now.

  Logan doesn’t let go of my hand as he leads me down the hallway to the bedroom. Not until we reach the bed and he tosses all the throw pillows off—something we didn’t even take time to do earlier—and pulls the comforter back.

  I sigh at the bed. It’s not the bed I shared with Chris. So that’s not why I’m suddenly too tired to climb in.

  I just… can’t see past this day. No matter how hard I try, I can’t find a future.

  “Tomorrow,” Logan says. “We can think about it tomorrow.”

  Which is a concession of sorts. Because he was still hell-bent on killing me just thirty minutes ago.

  AJ drops his pants to the floor and walks around to the other side of the bed, gets in and then extends his hand to me. “Come on,” he says. “Just sleep. I’m too tired to think.”

  So I get in as Logan takes off his pants too. And then he gets in and flicks off the bedside table lamp.

  I lie there between them, my fully-clothed body between their naked ones, and wonder how the hell I got here.

  AJ slips his arm underneath me, pulling me into his chest like we’re lovers, when we’re not. I don’t know. That makes me sad for some reason. This all feels very… pretend.

  But he doesn’t seem to care. Because he hugs me tight and leans his head against mine.

  I look ov
er at Logan, who I can’t really see. He’s just a faint outline of shadow from a bit of light filtering in from the window. But I think his eyes are open. I think he’s staring at me.

  “I’m sorry,” he says. Kinda out of nowhere.

  “For what?”

  “For not helping you. Back when you were with Damon. I should’ve… I dunno. Done something, I guess.”

  “Like what? Save me?” It comes out snarky, which I didn’t intend. Which means it’s real snark and not me being a bitch. Which is worse. Because he’s trying, I guess. I don’t know at what. But still, he’s trying.

  “No,” he says, sighing. “I had no power to save you back then, Yvette.”

  “And you do now?”

  He doesn’t say anything but I know he’s shaking his head no.

  “Don’t listen to him,” AJ whispers into my ear. “He has no clue what he can and cannot do yet. He has no idea how powerful he is because he’s never tested it. He’s never rocked the boat. Have you, Logan?”

  Puzzles and codes. That’s what AJ gives me. And it’s too complicated. I thought he was the simple one but I guess I was wrong.

  Logan sighs and turns over. Turns his back to me as he hugs the pillow. “See ya in the morning.”

  We’re all silent for a while. My eyes close and begin to get heavy. My mind’s eye swirls with weird geometric patterns as sleep creeps over me like a spider. And that weird sensation of falling I have just before I drift off takes over.

  But AJ brings me back with a soft kiss to my cheek.

  Why is he acting this way? What am I to him? Why does he care?

  “Ya know,” he whispers softly, “I didn’t think there was anything left for me either. I hide it better than most. Better than you, for sure. Maybe not as well as Logan. But I’ve been there too. And I’m really happy I finally got to meet you today.”

  I squirm in his embrace. Turn over so we’re face to face. Place my palm on his cheek and whisper, “Thank you.”

  He nods his head and closes his eyes. “Any time, cookie. Glad to help.”

  Chapter Eighteen - LOGAN

  It’s not like I don’t want out. It’s not like I don’t wish for more. It’s not like I haven’t fantasized about having my own family. A wife, kids, minivan—well, not a minivan. Not even for my wife.

  But a… a Suburban. Or a Tahoe. Some too-big SUV that’s actually necessary because I have shit to haul around, and kids to cart to classes, and maybe, every now and then, we buy a piece of furniture and I’m glad I have all that cargo space because I can stuff a couch or an armchair back there and don’t have to pay for delivery.

  It’s just… I have forged a path and there’s no fork in the road. There’s no way out that I can see.

  I mean, come on. My best-laid plan is to wait for some random second cousin to get sick of Damon’s shit and blow his head off.

  That’s not a plan.

  So what the fuck can I do?

  If I kill her, I lose AJ. I see that now. He’s gone round some bend and he’s not coming back.

  Which is fine for him. Hell, I was supposed to kill him too. So there’s no life waiting for him back home.

  But if I kill them, and go home, and wait things out—there’s a chance. A small one, but still, a chance that I might find another path to travel in some unknown future.

  If I don’t kill them… there’s no way I can’t kill them. There is no possible scenario where I don’t do my job because then we’d all be alive. And worse yet, Damon would know we’re all together. He’s got resources. He’s waited this long to send us after Yvette, he’ll wait forever to get revenge on Aje and me if that’s what it takes.

  I think I’ve figured out why he sent me to do this too. Why he told me to get rid of AJ. It’s not that he hates AJ. It’s not even that AJ is incompetent, because he’s not. Losing the money wasn’t his fault. It was just someone else’s fuck-up that got pinned on him.

  Damon sent me here and told me to kill AJ because he wanted to see if I’d do it. He’s testing me.

  I know what they call me. Logan the Loyal. And I know it’s sarcasm because I truly do not have loyalty to anyone. That’s God’s honest truth. So if I fail I’d be proving him right. He’d just shoot the minute I stepped through the door.

  But if I succeed, if I follow through and obey orders, well, that changes everything for me. That puts me in a position to rise. Gives me more freedom. More options for later. More ways to get out.

  But then I have to ask myself… how long can I keep doing this? And I have to ask myself… what will be there on the other side of waiting? When I finally do make it out?

  Nothing.

  So I totally understand Yvette’s defeatist attitude.

  Maybe I should be the one taking those fucking pills?

  “Stop it,” AJ murmurs. “You’re starting to piss me off.”

  “What?” I say, turning over on my back so I can stare up at the ceiling.

  “Thinking,” he says. “I’m tired of it.”

  I’m tired of it too. I’m tired of all this shit. And the worst part is… I want something else. Something more. And I’m stuck.

  There’s no way out.

  “Dude,” AJ says.

  “I’m not thinking, dammit. Just shut up and let me sleep.”

  I wait a few minutes. Until AJ’s breathing slows down and I’m pretty sure he’s out. Then go back to my thoughts. Trying to keep them quiet from my mind-reading best friend.

  There has to be a way out.

  And did I just call AJ my best friend?

  That’s great. Just great.

  I can’t kill my best friend. That’s some fucked-up psycho shit right there.

  Still, there has to be a way out. Something I’m missing. Some evil part of my diabolical brain must have an answer I never thought of before.

  It doesn’t come to me. Nothing comes to me except sleep.

  But I do dream. I find myself in a world with beaches, and sun, and an ocean. It’s a nice place. A foreign place, but not too foreign. Friendly, easy-going locals and a harbor filled with tourist yachts and fishing boats. There’s a bustling market with rows and rows of vendors selling everything you need in life.

  It’s a place I’ve been before. Back when I was a child, and then once again just a couple years back.

  I’d like to live there, I decide in my dream.

  One day. If I manage to live through the other side of this job.

  When I wake up AJ is breathing lightly and Yvette’s got her face pressed up into my back.

  Immediately my thoughts from last night resurface. My little problem.

  Yvette moans a little and that small noise is enough to kickstart the morning wood.

  I should not fuck this girl again. In fact, I should get up, find my gun, shoot her in the head, shoot AJ while I’m at it, and then drag their bodies out into the woods and dump them both over that ravine.

  Sensible, logical, Logan the Loyal is back.

  Except he’s not. Because AJ reaches out, snatches Yvette, and tugs her away from me and into him.

  I turn my head, barely able to open my eyes. The dark night has given way to a too-bright morning and it hurts. So I squint.

  “I’m awake,” AJ says. “Been awake for a while now.”

  “Creep,” I mumble. “What time is it?” He turns, taking Yvette with him, which makes her moan again, only this time it resembles words.

  “What…” she croaks. “What’s going on?”

  “It’s ten thirty,” AJ says.

  Fuck. Been a very long time since I slept this late.

  AJ reaches his hand over to me. Feels my cock.

  I push him away. “No,” I say. “We gotta be serious today. The storm is probably over. Last night never happened.”

  AJ grunts. “Suit yourself. Looks like you’re all mine today, cookie.”

  “Stop calling her that,” I growl. He’s irritating me. Him and his carefree attitude. His stupid words of wisdom. />
  “No,” AJ says, rolling over once again so Yvette is pinned beneath his chest. I turn my head to look at them. Find them both smiling. Yvette with her eyes closed. Apparently having the same difficulty I am with the bright snow outside. AJ with his open. Gazing down at this girl like she’s his wife instead of his mark.

  He glances at me. “Last chance.”

  I reach down and grip my cock. Willing it to shrink.

  Just gets harder.

  I want to give in. I totally do. But I can’t erase the fact that I have to kill these people. Today. Probably in the next few hours.

  “Logan,” AJ says.

  “What?” I mumble, looking up at the ceiling.

  “Just relax, man. Forget about later and just be here now.”

  I don’t know how he does that. Just pushes his problems away until later. I’ve always been a worrier myself. Always got a future problem running through my brain.

  He slides off to the side of Yvette and reaches over her to feel for my cock again.

  This time I don’t push him away. Because maybe that’s the answer? Maybe that’s how you stop worrying about the future?

  Just be here now.

  He starts kissing Yvette’s neck and she bucks her back a little. Inhaling deeply like she’s very relaxed. At the same time he plays with my cock. It’s mostly hard already but his hand feels good. His grip is firm on my shaft and when he reaches down to cup my balls I turn over towards Yvette and reach between her legs. I find myself smiling.

  “How shall we fuck you today?” I ask.

  “Mmmmm…” She giggles a little. She looks a lot better than she did last night. Rested, some color back in her cheeks. Eyes still closed like she’s having a good dream.

  “Hmmm?” I ask again. AJ has let go of my dick and is working her shirt up her body. She maneuvers, helping him get it over her head, and her firm, round breasts and large peaked nipples capture my full attention.