by Ella Miles
Jesus Christ.
“Kai, wake up. I can’t help you unless you tell me to. Wake up, stingray.”
But Kai doesn’t wake up, she tosses in the bed, fighting an invisible man who will always be present in her mind, terrorizing her dreams.
“No!” Kai screams again, her body jerking.
I can’t stand it anymore; I have to do something. I have to make this stop.
I reach my hand over hers to pull her into my body, hoping her body will recognize mine and calm down.
“No, Enzo!” Kai screams.
Her eyes are still closed, and she seems to still be in the midst of a nightmare.
My hand floats over her body, but I don’t dare touch her, not after her words.
I wait for more.
“Stop, don’t touch me, Enzo.”
My heart drops. I don’t know what’s happening, but her nightmares seem to be as much about me as they are about Milo.
“I’m going to help you, just hold on,” I say, jumping out of the bed, and hating I have to leave her alone for even a second.
But I unlock the door and practically throw it off the hinges. And then I see Langston, pacing the hallway. I’ve never been happier that he disobeyed my orders.
Langston’s face snaps to mine with an anger I’ve never seen on his face before.
“You did this to her. She doesn’t want you anymore. Let her go,” Langston says calmly. And then he brushes past me, our shoulders connecting in rough impact as he makes his way to Kai.
I follow him into the room, but keep my distance as Kai continues to alternate between screaming Milo and my name.
Langston doesn’t hesitate to touch her. Apparently, she’s already given him permission.
“Kai, you’re safe. I have you. You can wake up,” Langston says, wrapping her in his arms. Pulling her head to his bare chest to try to warm her and stop the cold sweats.
He slowly rocks her as he whispers more words into her ear I can’t hear.
Slowly, Kai’s eyes open. But she’s still not here. She doesn’t look at Langston. She doesn’t look at me. She just stares as if she’s still living her nightmare.
Langston begins stroking her hair and rubbing her back gently.
“You’re safe. No one is going to hurt you. Never again,” Langston says. Making promises I’ve made before, but was incapable of keeping.
Fuck.
What did I do? How could I have let this happen?
Suddenly, Kai jumps up and runs to the bathroom.
“What’s happening?” I ask, Langston.
Langston sighs. “The nightmares are so real that sometimes she gets sick afterward.”
I don’t deserve her. And all I do is hurt her.
But I’m a selfish bastard. I fell in love. And I don’t think I can let her go.
Langston and I both follow Kai to the bathroom, where she grips the toilet as she empties everything in her stomach. No wonder she looks so weak and doesn’t want food, if this is what happens later at night.
Langston pulls her hair into a ponytail and rubs her back. What I wouldn’t give to be able to do that for her. But he gets to, not me.
I go over the sink, grab a washcloth, and wet it with warm water.
I close my eyes, wincing with each wretch of her stomach. Each time she vomits, I feel a direct hit to my core. I’m the one being hit.
Finally, the sound stops, and I turn to look at Kai. She’s pale, looking like she just finished running a marathon.
This is my fault.
Langston is still standing behind her, waiting until she’s ready to get up. But I don’t deserve to get answers. I don’t get to be here anymore.
I will help fix her, but not for my own selfish reasons. Because she deserves to be whole again. She deserves to go through life without living in pain.
I hold out the washcloth to her with a sadness and pain I haven’t felt since she risked her life to go with Milo.
Langston reaches out to take it for her, but Kai beats him to it. When she grabs the washcloth, her fingers brush mine, and I’m overcome with her pain. That’s all I feel when I touch her, and it’s because she’s so consumed by it that she can’t feel anything else.
I feel the tears swelling in my eyes, and I know I can’t stay. She doesn’t deserve to have to deal with my tears. My pain is nothing compared to hers.
I turn and begin walking quickly out of the room, knowing I won’t bother her again unless she asks me to. Which she never will. Which means this is effectively goodbye.
Damn fucking goodbyes.
“Stop,” Kai says, her voice weak yet strong.
I stop but don’t turn around as I force my eyes to suck the tears back into my eyes.
“Langston, will you go get me some water?” Kai says.
“Of course,” Langston says and begins walking.
“Take your time,” Kai tells him.
And then it’s just her and me.
“Truth or lies,” she starts.
And I slowly turn around, shocked she is talking to me after what she went through. She’s still sitting on the floor in front of the toilet, as if she doesn’t trust herself to not vomit again.
Kai’s wearing panties and a thin tank top exposing her soft nipples to me. But I’m the one who feels naked in only my boxers. Not because of the clothes, but because of the way she’s looking at me, like her words are about to destroy me, and make me vulnerable in a way I’m not ready for.
“I hate you for letting me get taken by Milo,” she says.
I suck in a breath—yep, I’m not ready for this.
“Truth,” I exhale.
“Lies, I don’t hate you for letting me make my own decision. I chose to go to Milo, knowing what could happen, and that you would try to save me, and that you might not be able to get to me in time. I knew all those things, and I chose to go anyway.”
She doesn’t hate me for… For—such a small word, but important. She’s not saying she doesn’t hate me, just that she doesn’t hate me for letting her make her own decisions.
She sighs as she leans back against the bathroom wall. And then she stares at the spot on the floor next to her, and I know what she wants. For me to sit next to her.
Does she understand how much it kills me right now to see her in so much pain and not be able to do anything about it?
Reluctantly, I move next to her and slide my back against the wall until I’m sitting next to her, but not touching.
Kai stares off into the distance as she begins to speak. “My mind is fucked-up. Everything in my mind is twisted around. I can’t tell what’s real and what my mind has changed.”
“What do you mean?”
She swallows. “When you rescued me—”
“I didn’t rescue you. You were saving yourself long before I got there.”
She scowls, shaking her head at me. So I shut up, but I don’t want her to think I had anything to do with saving her. I didn’t.
“When you came for me, my body was so damaged. But I swore I wouldn’t let Milo win. I wouldn’t let him take you from me. I wouldn’t let myself stop loving you, no matter what I went through. I was desperate to fuck you. To wipe away any memories of Milo. But…” her voice shakes.
“But?” I need to hear this. I need to know how much of a mistake it was. Even though it was the closest I’ve ever felt to her. Because it felt like the first time we were making love instead of just fucking.
“But it twisted everything in my head, fucking you so close to what happened with Milo. My brain was still processing the rape. I was still processing the pain. And being with you just made it so much harder. It’s why I have nightmares about you as much as I have nightmares about Milo. To my fucked up brain, the two events have melded into one event.”
“I’m sorry. I should have known better.”
She shakes her head. “I wouldn’t change it. In that moment, I needed you.”
“You just don’t need me anymore.”
She bites her lip.
“What else?” I ask, because I know there is more. If that was all that was hurting her, she would be trying to reprogram her brain. She wouldn’t let Milo take me from her. There has to be more.
“Milo reminded of me of all the innocent people you have killed. You may save innocent women, but you’ve killed so many more than you ever saved.”
I nod. “I’m the devil. I was raised by the devil, and then I became him. You are the only good thing in my life. I would say I regret killing the innocent people I’ve killed, but I don’t. Because all I care about is you.”
“I know, and I never meant to fall in love with the devil.”
There is that word again—love.
“I know you haven't yet, but could you ever fall back in love with me?”
Her eyes meet mine. They are hard, dark, and unforgiving. She doesn’t hate me because I couldn’t stop Milo. She hates me because of who I am. I wish I could change, be the man she deserves, but I can’t change enough for her. And I sure as hell can’t change my past.
Kai doesn’t answer me with words. And I know whatever love she felt is truly gone. Fuck you, Milo. If I could bring him back from the grave, I would. I need to kill him again myself.
Kai hates me, and she doesn’t want to fight to change her feelings. There feels like there is more to the story, but she doesn’t say.
I watch as Kai rubs her stomach.
“Are you going to be sick again?” I ask.
She shakes her head, and her hand immediately stops rubbing her stomach.
“What else? What else did Milo tell you?” I know there is more. I can see it. But I’m not sure she’s ready to tell me.
“No, there’s nothing else. Now you know the truth. I can never love you.”
Lie.
Her words are all lies, but I don’t call her out on it. If she’s not ready to tell the truth, then that’s fine. I don’t get her truth. I haven’t earned it yet. And I’m not sure I ever can.
I hear a light tap on the door edge—Langston.
He doesn’t look at me. Instead, he looks at Kai as if asking if permission to enter.
She nods.
My time is up.
I stand up as Langston brings Kai the glass of water. I put my hand on his shoulder. “Thank you for taking care of her when I can’t,” I whisper so only he can hear me.
He nods solemnly.
And then I walk to the door, stopping and turning around one last time.
“Truth or lies, you hate me,” I say.
“Truth,” her voice breaks as she says it.
I turn and stare at her. But I can’t tell if she is telling the truth or a lie.
“Truth or lies, I will never stop loving you,” I say.
“I hope for your sake, that’s a lie. Because there is nothing you could do to make me love you again,” Kai says.
4
KAI
MY HEART ACHES WATCHING Enzo walk out the door. It shouldn’t, but I hate him.
Or maybe I’m lying to myself?
I hate the nightmares. I hate how Enzo plays as much of a part in them as Milo does.
I hate how many people Enzo has killed. He killed his own half-brother, Pietro, even though he didn’t know the relationship at the time. He still doesn’t know of his relationship to Milo, or Pietro, or Felix. Should I tell him?
I hate how I can’t protect him and the baby I carry at the same time. I protected Enzo in the past. And he protected me. But this baby is bigger than both of us.
And this baby in my stomach is at risk from everyone. No matter whose it is—Milo’s or Enzo’s.
It makes no difference. I will love the baby the same. I hate both men, so it doesn’t really matter.
But this baby, I already love.
This baby gives me hope. Hope that the future doesn’t have to be filled with violence, pain, and death.
If only I can hide this baby from the world.
Felix will try to get to this baby. To either kill it, if it’s Enzo’s to revenge his brother’s death. Or to corrupt it, if the baby is Milo’s, and use the baby to gain his own power in the Black empire.
Enzo will no doubt try to protect the baby and fail, because no matter how he tries to protect those he loves, he can’t save them, not as long as he belongs to this dark world.
And the crew, the men and women who work for us, those I thought were on our side and loyal to a fault, will turn on us if this baby is Enzo’s. There always has to be two heirs. One Miller and one Rinaldi. One from me and one from Enzo. This baby could be a mix of both. This baby would represent betrayal and disloyalty to them. They will kill the baby to ensure they destroy our love, as they have in previous generations. They won’t understand Milo already did that. They won’t understand Enzo is free to produce his own heir. That this baby is mine, and this child will take no part in this world—ever.
I refuse to let this baby be used as a pawn. I refuse to train this child to become the strongest to win a stupid battle for power.
Although, I know deep down I’m lying to myself. Because even if I lose the battle to become Black, I will still prepare my child for a possible future battle. I may not want them to become Mr. Black, but I will do everything I can to protect them. And that means preparing them for a battle, not to necessarily win, but to ensure they are strong enough to survive.
I rub my stomach absentmindedly as I climb back in bed with Langston lying next to me. And I know I won’t be sleeping.
Enzo helped me sleep, but that’s all I could tolerate. My body is at war with itself.
Hate and love playing equal parts.
I hate Enzo.
But despite Milo’s best efforts, there is a part so deep inside that still clings to my love for Enzo.
I won’t spark those feelings. I won’t let them surface. My sole focus is on protecting my child, and Enzo only brings with him destruction, even if he doesn’t intend to.
I need to live in the hate. I need to fight any coming feelings. I must protect my child from everyone. Even my own desperate love. I must. I’m a mother, and a mother will fight anyone who threatens her child.
I HAVEN’T LEFT my bedroom in days. I should get out. I need to figure out a plan. Because I need to get as far away from everyone as possible. I need to ensure Enzo becomes the next Mr. Black, as he was always destined to be. And then I need to disappear. Somewhere where no will ever find me.
Not Enzo.
Not Felix.
Not my father.
Not Langston.
Not even Liesel.
The only way to keep my child safe is to keep his or her identity under wraps. To hide the child from the world. Even from Enzo. He deserves to know the truth of the child, but he can never know.
I won’t let my child go through any of the pain that Enzo and I had to go through to prepare for the games. My father fucking sold me to prepare me. And Enzo’s father abused, beat, and trained him as a heartless soldier. No child of mine will ever go through that.
The Miller line will die with me. No one will know another Miller exists. I will be the end.
No one will battle for the Black empire anymore. Enzo and his children will gain full power—forever.
He’ll probably have a child with Liesel, if the child Liesel spoke of isn’t already Enzo’s. It warms me to know he will end up with a woman who loves him and will take care of him when I’m gone.
I need to get off this yacht before I start showing. I’m only six or seven weeks. I have time. But the only way to escape without anyone following me is to finish the games. Only then can I ensure Enzo will be forced to let me go.
So I get dressed in shorts and a tank top, and for the first time in the last month, I leave the bedroom.
I walk up to the pool deck; the sun is blinding me as I step outside. But that’s not what’s burning my eyes. It’s what I’m looking at, or really whom.
Liesel.
Langston.
Enzo.
All sitting on lounge chairs in swimsuits. All with a drink in their hand. All jaws dropping to the floor at the sight of me outside my bedroom.
I’m tired of letting Milo control me. I’m tired of letting my demons drive every decision I make. I’m tired, and I want this all to end.
“What are you—” Langston starts.
“Coming to get some sun? Good, your white ass needs some,” Liesel says, cutting off Langston.
I nod. “Yes, I need to get some sun.”
I take a seat next to Liesel. Enzo is the only one who is silent, but it doesn’t matter. He’s the only one I feel. But unlike hundreds of times before, it’s not the electric connection pulling me to him that I feel. And I don’t feel the heat emanating from his body.
He’s cold, like me. I feel his pain. I feel his anger. I feel the heartbreak he’s caused others. And I feel fear.
MY BREASTS ARE CRUSHED beneath his weight, until my chest is so heavy I can’t get air.
My legs are spread wide, too wide.
And his length forces himself inside me, like a blade through my body. Slicing over and over.
I OPEN MY EYES, and I see the tears in Enzo’s eyes as he watches me live a nightmare right in front of him.
I know it was Milo who hurt me, but when I close my eyes, it’s Enzo. That has to be an omen. Milo and Enzo were half-brothers. The same darkness in Milo lives in Enzo. I can’t trust him. I can’t trust anyone.
“Sorry to interrupt the pool party, but I just wanted to let you know the fourth game will start tomorrow,” Archard says out of nowhere.
Everyone’s head snaps to him as he speaks, but as soon as he finishes, all eyes are on me.
I’m the wild card.
No one knows what I will do.
Will I fight to win?
Or will I purposely lose and let Enzo have the empire?
No one knows my truth.
Liesel and Langston may know my secret, but not how I plan on playing the game.
They don’t know how I will protect my secret—my child. Or my heart from falling for Enzo again. He’s dangerous. Every time he’s tried to save me, I’ve ended up getting hurt. He can’t be trusted with a child, even if it’s his.
