The N Word: Redefining Me (Book 2)

by MacQueen, Michelle

  And she hated him for it. She hated him for making her agree, for coming up with a deal he knew she couldn’t say no too. He’d been true to his side of the agreement. They spent most of winter break studying together, and she finally felt like she could handle their coming exams.

  But was it worth this?

  The simple answer was no, but this wasn’t anything resembling simple.

  “Do you have to be such a bitch, Meghan?” Becks reached over and gripped Nari’s hand. She squeezed back, grateful he at least stuck up for her when Avery seemed frozen in his chair.

  For all she cared, Avery and Meghan could have each other. Why should she care about someone who could lust after the girl who made high school a living hell for so many people?

  “I need to go.” Nari stood, shaking off Becks’ hand when he tried to keep her there. Tears blurred her vision as she gathered up the plastic containers, shoving them in her bag to make a hasty escape.

  As if they’d watched for her, Peyton and Cam showed up at the table, and she’d never been more grateful for her friends. She blinked away tears as Peyton wrapped an arm around her and led her toward the door. Nari tried to ignore the gazes of their classmates.

  They were almost free when Avery’s voice called her back. “Nari.” He jogged toward them.

  Nari wiped her face and turned back to face him. “What do you want from me, Avery?”

  “We had a deal.” His voice was so quiet no one other than Nari, Peyton, and Cam could possibly hear. “You can’t break it already.”

  She sighed. “Avery, can’t you find someone else?”

  He shook his head. “It has to be you.”

  “Why?” She met his eyes, and the expression flashing across his face gutted her. She remembered how broken he’d been the night he spent in her room when he’d felt as if his entire life was crumbling down around him. She knew the feeling.

  He kicked a toe against the ground, breaking their eye contact. “I don’t know.”

  “That isn’t good enough.”

  “I held up my end of the bargain. Please…”

  He was right. He had. If she backed out now, it wouldn’t be fair. Her shoulders dropped.

  “Avery.” Peyton stepped forward. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but can’t you just leave Nari alone?”

  “No.” He rushed forward, pulling Nari into his arms. She barely had time to think about what was happening before he pressed his lips to hers. The kiss held every bit of energy as their first one had, yet also the calculation of the second. She tried to keep herself from getting lost in the feel of him as cheers sounded around them.

  When he groaned and held her tighter, her tears broke free. To Avery, a kiss was nothing. He’d kissed many girls before. It was fun.

  But Nari had only had three kisses in her life, each with this same boy.

  And to her, it would never be nothing. Avery brushed the tears from her face and skimmed his lips over her heated cheeks to bring them to her ear. “Please. Don’t give up on me.”

  She closed her eyes, not wanting to let him see how those words affected her. He thought if he could make Meghan jealous it would show his friends he wasn’t hurt by Meghan moving on so quickly with Drew.

  “Okay.” She took a deep breath, unable to say no to him. At least for now.

  She wasn’t sure how long she could keep it going before the weight of their fake relationship crushed her, splitting her in two, but for the boy who’d once been her world, her childhood best friend, she’d try.

  * * *

  Nari didn’t know how she’d gotten through three weeks as Avery St. Germaine’s girlfriend. The hand-holding, the physical contact, the expectations—yet, she kept going. He’d kissed her a few times, but never more than a peck. He didn’t spend any more nights in her room, and their conversations stayed on a superficial level.

  She didn’t ask how his family was doing. Nicky told her they were working through a lot, but Avery never brought it up. After the first day in the cafeteria, Peyton and Cam knew the truth. They didn’t approve, but they supported her.

  Nari sat with Avery’s friends every day at lunch. He started defending her against Meghan, and even Addison was on her side more often than not. Becks was the only person who made her feel truly welcome though.

  Nari lived for the weekends when she joined Becks, Julian, and Wylder for gigs at various bars and parties. She didn’t know how Becks secured the gigs, but she was grateful for the distraction. Peyton, Cam, and Nicky came along often, but Nari hadn’t told Avery about her alternate life as a keyboardist.

  She almost laughed at the thought. He wouldn’t understand her need to be someone else.

  Becks dropped into his seat at the lunch table three weeks after the new semester began. “Isn’t today the one-month anniversary of Navery or something?” He grinned, enjoying making Avery uncomfortable. He might be the only one at the table who knew the truth, but he constantly drew the attention to Nari and Avery out of some sense of amusement.

  “Navery?” Avery shook his head. “Six weeks, actually.” He slipped his arm around Nari’s waist and pulled her from her own seat onto his lap. He kissed her neck, sending shivers down her arms.

  Meghan and Drew scowled at them, but the rest of the table had started just ignoring Nari over the weeks. It was better than the scorn they’d given her at first.

  Becks made gagging sounds. “Get a room, you two.”

  Uncomfortable, Nari escaped from Avery’s lap, taking her own seat once more. Avery’s lips turned down, but he didn’t comment on her need for distance. They’d grown too close, and she wasn’t sure how much longer it was going to last. Each day, she waited for Avery to tell her it was time to pull the plug on their lie. And each day, he just continued pretending. They’d taken their exams, and for the first time, Nari felt like she might have done okay on them. That was because of Avery, so she owed it to him to keep going until he wanted to stop.

  Still, it didn’t mean she’d grown any more comfortable with his touchy nature.

  As if she called a savior forth, Nicky appeared. “Nari, can I talk to you?”

  She glanced at the clock on the wall, noting only a few minutes until the bell. Gathering her stuff, she stood to follow him. Avery grabbed her wrist, pulling her back down and placing a soft kiss on her lips.

  She pulled away, not looking him in the eyes as she followed Nicky. “What’s up, Nick?”

  He sent her an impish grin. “Nothing. You just looked like you needed a rescue.”

  Looping her arm through his, she sighed. “You have no idea. I don’t think I can do this much longer.”

  Nicky’s sad eyes found hers. “You’re going to break up with him?”

  She shrugged. “You know this isn’t real, right?”

  “I may have guessed that, yeah.” He led her into the hall, away from prying ears. “Just…don’t hurt him.”

  “Nicky, didn’t you hear me? We aren’t real.”

  He pursed his lips. “I’m only going to say this once because the thought of you dating my brother makes me worry for you… When he was dating Meghan, he’d do anything to get away from her. His eyes didn’t follow her as she walked away. He didn’t touch her any chance he got.”

  “That’s ridiculous. All he can think about is making her jealous.”

  Nicky shrugged. “Only reporting what I see, Nari. You do what you want with it.”

  He left her at her locker. As she turned the dial and opened it, his words ran on a loop through her mind. Nicky was only seeing what he wanted to see. Her phone chimed with a notification from the No BS app. Peyton had a new post up. She scanned it before beginning her own.

  I used to think I wanted people to see me. I wanted to be anything other than the girl I was. The saying ‘be careful what you wish for’ has never been more true for me. Now that the spotlight has found me, all I want is to sink back into the shadows. I’m not sure anyone is worth leaving behind my anonymity for. Certai
nly not a person who expects me to be able to fit into a world I never wanted to be a part of.

  —@KeyboardingIsLife

  As it always did, posting on No BS soothed Nari’s nerves. When she was on the app, she could believe she wasn’t alone. She waited for people to comment with support or agreement, needing to know she wasn’t crazy for feeling the way she did.

  Solidarity was a powerful thing, and in high school, it was better coming with anonymity.

  Slamming her locker closed, she slid her phone into her bag and walked toward another classroom where she’d have to suffer being the subject of curious glances that all asked the same thing. Why her? What did Avery St. Germaine see in the quiet girl who had little to offer other than average grades and a nervous disposition?

  14

  Avery

  I used to think I wanted people to see me. I wanted to be anything other than the girl I was. The saying ‘be careful what you wish for’ has never been more true for me. Now that the spotlight has found me, all I want is to sink back into the shadows. I’m not sure anyone is worth leaving behind my anonymity for. Certainly not a person who expects me to be able to fit into a world I never wanted to be a part of.

  —@KeyboardingIsLife

  Avery stared at the honest words on his screen. I’m making her miserable. He felt like a voyeur every time he stalked Nari’s posts on No BS, but she kept her thoughts and feelings so closely guarded it was the only way to see what she was really thinking about their fake relationship. The fake relationship that was more honest and genuine than any real one he’d ever known before. But if being with him made her miserable, maybe he needed to let her go?

  The thought of losing her crushed something inside him. Avery shuffled down the hallway, browsing through the supportive comments for Nari on No BS.

  —@KeyboardingIsLife No one is worth making yourself miserable and if they can’t even see you’re not happy, then you’re with the wrong person.

  —@Wallflower17

  —@KeyboardingIsLife, @Wallflower17 is right. Sounds like you’re an introvert trying to date an extrovert. It’s not easy to find a balance in that kind of relationship. Keep your chin up and if he/she really cares for you, you’ll find a way to make it work.

  —@JustAnotherIntrovertInAnExtrovertWorld

  “Morning.” Avery leaned against the lockers beside Nari’s.

  “Do you have to walk me to class every day?” Nari slammed her locker shut.

  “I guess I don’t have to.” Avery shrugged. “I just like to see your smiling face first thing in the morning.”

  “I rarely smile in the morning.” Her shoulders sagged, and she let her messenger bag trail on the ground at her feet.

  “Maybe this will get me at least a smart-ass smirk.” He handed her an iced coffee just the way she liked it. Strong and sweet with lots of hazelnut flavoring. He tasted it once. It was disgusting. “The Kool-Aid of coffee for the grumpy face.”

  “I suppose I can be seen with you now.” Nari gave him a genuine smile as they walked along the busy corridor to their homeroom.

  Avery paid attention, this time, to the way everyone watched them like they were fascinating bugs under a microscope. He was so used to the attention he didn’t even notice it anymore. But for Nari, it was all new. He watched the way she walked beside him, hiding her face behind the curtain of her hair as she sipped her coffee. He finally saw it. She wanted to be anywhere but here. And that gutted him.

  “Wait, Nari.” Avery stopped just outside their homeroom. “I’m sorry I dragged you out of the shadows.” He lowered his voice. “It was never my intention to make you uncomfortable with our…arrangement. It’s just, so many people want to be popular I let myself think you’d be thrilled at the chance to join the inner circle.”

  “Avery—”

  “No, I’m fully aware I sound like an idiot. I just never meant to steal your anonymity. I wish I could make it all go away—”

  “Steal my anonymity?” Nari’s eyes narrowed to slits, and he realized he’d said too much.

  The sound of the bell sent students scattering into their homerooms before Avery had a chance to say what he was trying to say.

  “You read my posts on No BS? How did you know my username, Avery?” When he didn’t answer her, Nari stalked past him into the classroom and took her seat on the opposite side of the room from his. He wanted to tell her he’d give it all up to be anonymous with her. That no matter what, she was always the best part of his day. But he screwed it up. Again.

  I shouldn’t have peeked at her username. He sent off a quick text

  Avery: I can explain

  Avery didn’t see her again until lunch, and she wasn’t answering his texts. As soon as the bell rang, he waited for her outside her history class.

  “We need to talk.” Avery followed her down the hall filled with noisy students.

  “I don’t think we do,” Nari said.

  “Please.” He reached for her shoulder. “I can explain.”

  She whirled around on him. “You can explain? Please, tell me what could possibly make it okay for you to read the thoughts no one was supposed to know were mine?” Her voice echoed down the hallway.

  Avery blanched at the look on her face. Everyone was staring. “Let’s go talk somewhere quiet.”

  “Oh, now you don’t want to be the center of attention?”

  “I saw your username that day in your room when your computer was open on the bed. I didn’t go looking for it, it was just there.”

  “You didn’t have to look at my posts, Avery. But you did. You’ve been reading my posts this whole time?”

  “I’m sorry, Nari. It was stupid. I—”

  “We’re done.” Nari backed away from him. “We are so done.” She turned into the crowd of gawking students and left him standing by himself. It was the most alone he’d ever felt.

  * * *

  “Let’s go,” Avery said, passing Nicky waiting for him outside. This day couldn’t get any worse, and he was ready to see it end.

  “Don’t you have your appointment with the guidance counselor today? I was prepared to wait for you.” Nicky scrambled to follow Avery across the parking lot.

  “Oh right.” Avery laughed. “That’ll probably take two seconds.” He tossed the keys to his brother. “I’ll be right back, you can wait in the car.” Avery headed straight for the guidance counselor’s office, not in the mood to hear how bleak his future looked without football.

  “Avery, good to see you,” Mrs. Fletcher said. “Have a seat, this should be pretty easy since you have multiple athletic scholarships already.”

  “My family and I have decided I won’t be playing football in college,” Avery said. “Long story, but it’s just not in the cards.”

  “That’s…unexpected, but I understand.” Mrs. Fletcher reached for his file.

  “So, I can just go now.” Avery stood to leave.

  “Sit down, Mr. St. Germaine.” She pointed at the chair he’d just vacated. “We aren’t done yet. Unless you’re telling me you aren’t going to college?” She peered at him over her thick lenses.

  “No, I guess I’ll figure that out once I figure out how to pay for it.” He leaned forward, studying the carpet to avoid her stare.

  “I see. So you’ll be needing an academic scholarship then?”

  Avery snapped his head up to see if she was serious. “You think I can get one of those?”

  “Avery, you’re one of the best students in your grade. You’ve carried a 3.8 GPA for nearly four years. It wouldn’t take too much to get that up to a 4.0. You have time. But your test scores are incredible. With your academic and athletic record, on paper, you’re every college’s dream applicant.”

  “They’ll just want me to play football.” Avery’s shoulders fell.

  “You’ll need tell them you will not be playing college football but that you might be open to other sports. Safer sports?” She gave him a knowing look.

  “Pop has CTE,
” Avery said. “It’s from all the concussions. Mom doesn't want that for me.”

  “I figured as much. Football is a hard sport. Especially professionally. I’ve followed your father’s career, like most of us here in Twin Rivers have. It’s no secret he’s sustained a lot of injuries. If you were my son, I wouldn’t want that for you either. So, let’s explore your options without football. If you could go to any school you wanted, where would it be?”

  “I—I don’t know, honestly. Football was always going to be in my future, so I’ve never really considered choosing a college based on what I want from a school.”

  “Let’s start with something easy then.” She moved across the room to her filing cabinet and shuffled through the contents. “Fill these out and get them back to me by the end of the month.”

  “What are these?”

  “Merit scholarship applications. I’ve pulled five I think you have a great chance of getting. Start looking at schools, Avery. We still have lots of time to get you where you want to be, but we need to be working on this from now until you graduate.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Avery stood with a hesitant smile on his face. “You really think I can get an academic scholarship?”

  “You have a bright future, Avery St. Germaine, and you don’t need football to get you there if that’s not what you want. I’ll help you find a way.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. Fletcher.” Avery felt like a five-hundred-pound weight lifted off his shoulders, and he headed across the empty parking lot to the car he now shared with Nicky. Everything was shit right now, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

  * * *

  “You messed things up with Nari big time,” Nicky said. “I heard she dumped you in front of the whole school.”