The N Word: Redefining Me (Book 2)

by MacQueen, Michelle

  “Yes, you should have. And I should have never said you were like your father. Because you’re not, Avery. I used to think you’d turned into this jerk, but I was wrong. You’ve just been in pain like the rest of us.”

  He laughed at that, and Nari’s brow furrowed in confusion.

  “I’m sorry, it’s just… Today, I did the most un-jerk-like thing, and you didn’t even get to see it.”

  “What did you do?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, it wasn’t my idea. Addison said I’d made a mistake making you feel like you had to come into my world completely, so I decided to enter yours.”

  “She said something similar to me.”

  He shook his head at that. “I went to sit at your lunch table.”

  Her grin widened. “While I was sitting at yours.”

  “Great minds think alike?”

  “Or Addison just assumes one of us won’t take her advice.”

  “Probably me.” He laughed.

  “Yeah, probably.” It felt good to smile with him again after so much uncertainty. She didn’t want it to end. “So, I was thinking… I want to be your friend.”

  She could’ve sworn his face fell at that, but he smoothed his expression so quickly she could have imagined it. “Friends.”

  She nodded. “I’m a pretty good friend.” Something about it didn’t feel right, but she pushed the feeling aside.

  “I know. We have a history, remember?”

  “I remember.”

  He nodded. “I can do friends.”

  They stared at each other for a beat of silence, awkwardness setting in.

  “So…” Avery cleared his throat. “What do we talk about as friends?”

  Before she could respond, the warning bell rang, and students poured from the lunchroom.

  “I’m just going to…” Nari pointed behind her toward the hall where her next class was before turning on her heel without a goodbye. She sucked in a breath. Friends. Why was she so freaking awkward? She wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t truly want to be friends with her. She’d seen it in his face. The uncertainty.

  When she entered her next class, Addison sat at the back with Becks, avoiding the whispers of Meghan and Ashley near the front. Nari slid into the seat on the other side of Addison. Normally, she sat in the back with the loners while Addison and Becks sat with the others who wanted people to see them.

  She shot Becks a smile. Addison’s eyes were rimmed red, and Nari reached over to grasp her hand. When her brain caught up with her body, and she thought about what she was doing, she tried to pull it back. Addison’s grip tightened in thanks before she released her.

  Nari spent two years without a single friend to call her own. But that was a different time full of pain and regret. Now she not only had Peyton and Cam back but Avery and Julian as well. Even Addison was returning to them. By the end of the year, maybe their once solid group would be stronger than it was before.

  18

  Avery

  “I’m so glad I’m not doing the college thing,” Becks flopped down next to Avery on the couch. “I will provide the entertainment portion of this evening by playing video games while you fill out college applications.”

  “You’re a real gem,” Avery said, revising the final paragraph of his entrance essay for Ohio State University. He didn’t really want to go to OSU—or any other Big Ten school, but since he had the scholarship offer already, he was hoping they would extend it as an academic scholarship instead.

  “Where do you want to go?” Becks asked.

  “I have no idea.”

  Becks hammered away at the remote, tongue sticking out as he blew up zombies on the screen. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

  “No idea.” Avery thrust a hand through his hair.

  “What about sports medicine?” Becks suggested. “Or coaching.”

  “Definitely no on the coaching. And I don’t think I’m smart enough for sports medicine.”

  “Die, you dead piece of shit!” Becks yelled at the screen. “You’re a lot smarter than you realize. Book smart, I mean. Common sense?” He shook his head. “You were absent the day they handed that out, my friend.”

  “You are not helping.”

  “I’m just saying, you’re smart enough to be whatever you want to be. And sports medicine would be cool. You know, if you’re not going to be an NFL Hall of Famer someday.”

  “That has…some appeal.” Avery thought about a future where he might get to help other athletes. “I’ll research it.”

  “Make a list.”

  “Coming from you, that’s hilarious.” Avery grabbed a notepad from the table.

  “I don’t need lists. I know what I want to be when I grow up.” Becks shot him a grin. “Rock star, baby! Actually, country music star, but it just doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

  “You hate country music.”

  “Not so, my friend. They’re just doing it wrong. I’m going to Nashville to set them straight.”

  “They have no idea what’s about to hit them.” Avery laughed.

  “You should come with.” Becks paused his game. “We could get a place together. You go to school, and I take the country music stage by storm.”

  “Nashville.” Avery frowned. It was tempting to think of going away to school while still having his best friend with him. “What schools are in Nashville?” He typed in a Google search.

  “Vanderbilt,” Becks said.

  “And let me guess,” Avery laughed. “They have a sports medicine program.”

  “They do. And they’re a Southeastern Conference school too. You know, in case you change your mind about playing football.”

  “Vanderbilt football sucks.”

  “True, but you probably wouldn’t get sucked into the insanity of the football world. You could fly under the radar and focus on school on an academic scholarship and let football come second. And you probably wouldn’t get hurt as much either. Just sayin’.”

  “Just sayin’ you’ve planned my future for me?” Avery gave his friend a playful shove.

  “Seems like you could use the help.”

  “Nashville?” Avery shook his head, pulling up the Vanderbilt website. “And rooming with Becks. Sounds like the makings of a plan.”

  “Don’t forget Nari,” Becks said. “She’s coming too.”

  “Well, that makes Nashville out of the question.” Avery threw his head back against the couch.

  “You two might benefit from some good old-fashioned meddling. How is it you’re still not together?”

  “She just wants to be friends.”

  “No she doesn’t.”

  “That’s literally what she said today. ‘Avery, I just want to be friends.’”

  “No, she said, and I quote—‘So, I was thinking… I want to be your friend.’”

  “What, were you spying on us?”

  “Yes.” Becks gave him a blank stare. “You two need all the help you can get, and I want things to go my way. I want my amazing, talented singer-songwriter friend to come to Nashville with me, and I want my best friend to get his head out of his ass and come with us so she won’t be so freaked out by the whole thing.”

  “You with your ulterior motives.”

  “Exactly. And she did not say ‘I just want to be friends’ she said ‘I want to be your friend.’ These are two different things, my friend.”

  “I sense a Becks translation coming my way.”

  “She wants to be friends for a little while before she dives into anything too serious. This whole fake relationship thing threw her in the deep end. Let her come to this relationship on her own terms this time. Be. Her. Friend. Asshole.” He thumped Avery on the back of his head.

  “I can do that.” Avery punched Becks’ shoulder and downloaded the Vanderbilt application. “Just don’t tell her I’m thinking about going to Nashville too. I don’t want to freak her out.”

  “Dude, everyone knows you’d be coming
there for me, anyway.”

  * * *

  “What’s he doing now?” Avery groaned at the sound of something shattering downstairs. It was late, but Avery was still up working on college applications. He took the stairs down two at a time, worried his father might hurt himself.

  “Pop?” Avery followed the sound of his father’s muttering toward the study. An overturned urn in the hallway accounted for the noise. The tiny flat black stones that filled the urn lay scattered across the floor.

  “Pop?” Avery peered through the doorway of the study, not sure what he would find.

  “It’s not worth it.” Grayson stood behind the desk, shoving the contents of the wall safe into a bag. “None of it’s worth it.”

  “Pop, what are you doing? It’s the middle of the night.” Avery stepped into the room, prepared to deal with his drunken father like always.

  Grayson turned around, placing a duffle bag on the desk. “I’m ready.” His bloodshot eyes held the barest hint of the father Avery remembered from his childhood. He was stone-cold sober.

  “Ready for what, Pop?” Avery asked.

  Grayson’s hands trembled as he lifted the bag off the desk.

  “Rehab.” Grayson closed his eyes. “Will you take me before I change my mind? I know it’s late, but I’m scared I won’t go if I wait any longer, and I don’t think I can drive myself. My hands are shaking too bad.”

  Avery nodded. “Let’s go.” He took the bag from his father and held the door open. He didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but inside, Avery was freaking out, afraid if he made one wrong move his father would back out.

  “It’s time,” Grayson said. “I can’t lose your mother. It’s time.” He babbled his way across the driveway, but he was definitely sober. Avery tucked his father into the front seat, helping him with the seatbelt.

  Grayson’s hand shot out, gripping Avery’s wrist.

  “You’re a good son, Avery. I don’t deserve it.” His red-rimmed eyes reflected the terror Grayson likely felt.

  “If you’re serious about this, I am with you the whole way. You got that, Pop? I’m with you.” Avery clutched his father’s hand.

  He checked his phone for the nearest rehab clinic in Riverpass and dialed the number to find out what he was supposed to do in this situation. The nurse on the phone told him to get his father there right away and they’d take care of everything.

  Avery shot off a quick text to his mother who was staying at his aunt’s house again.

  Avery: Taking Pop to the rehab clinic in Riverpass. His idea.

  Mom: Meet you there. Don’t let him change his mind!

  Avery: We’re already in the car

  Avery slipped behind the wheel of the new-used-crap car he now shared with Nicky and cranked the engine.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize, Pop. This is the best decision you’ve made in years.” Avery had to remind himself not to drive like a maniac. He needed to keep his father calm and talking.

  “I’m sorry about the car. I know how much you loved the Lexus LC.”

  “I don’t need a ninety-thousand-dollar car, Pop. Sure, I loved it, but I can live without it. I can live without a lot of things, actually. I’m taking a page out of Nicky’s book these days. I’m not about the things so much as the people in my life.”

  “Nicky.” Grayson sighed. “I’ve really messed things up with Nick-Nick.”

  “There’s time to fix it. You just have to show him you love him no matter what.”

  “I do. I’ve just screwed up saying everything all wrong. I don’t care if he’s gay, straight, or one of those pan people. Whatever, as long as he’s happy.”

  “Tell him that, in those exact words. And it’s pansexual, Pop. Not pan people.”

  “Right.” He nodded. “He’s going to be angry with me…probably always.”

  “And you need to let him be angry.”

  “I just want my family back. I can’t lose your mother.”

  “She didn’t…leave, did she?”

  “No. Not yet, but it’s only a matter of time before she does. I know it’s coming. After you graduate and go on to college. There’s no reason for her and Nicky to stay. She’s given me every opportunity to get better, and I keep spiraling out of control.”

  “You know the CTE is partly to blame?”

  “That’s what she keeps telling me. Your mother swears it’s not my fault. But I’m the one who ruined our family.”

  “You didn’t ruin us, Pop. We’re still here. We still love you. But you have to get better.”

  Grayson nodded. “I will. I promise. And I’ll get the money back too.”

  “None of us care about the money, Pop.”

  “But your college funds. Your trusts funds.”

  “My guidance counselor says I’m a shoo-in for an academic scholarship. I’ll be fine.”

  “You always were smarter than me. I don’t want you playing football, son. I know I pushed you into it all your life, but I don’t want this for you. It’s not worth the damage it’s done.”

  “But you loved it. Your time in the NFL was the time of your life. I just don’t know if it would ever mean that much to me.”

  “Then you don’t need football in your future. Football was all I was ever good at, but you—you can do anything.”

  “Thanks, Pop. You ready for this?” Avery slipped into the parking space at the front of the clinic.

  “Here already, huh?” Grayson took a deep breath. “I don’t suppose one last drink would hurt anything.” He glanced at the gas station across the street.

  “You don’t need it, Pop,” Avery said softly.

  “You’re right.” Grayson nodded, opening the car door. “Let’s do this.”

  * * *

  Avery drove home alone, leaving his mother at the clinic to handle the paperwork. He didn’t think he’d ever forget the last look his father gave him. He was terrified. Scared to face his demons and fight his way through this disease. But Avery knew his Pop had the strength to move mountains. He just needed to remember what he was fighting for.

  Parking the car in the driveway, Avery didn’t even think about it before he drifted over to Nari’s house. It was nearly dawn, but he needed his friend.

  Tapping on the window, he wasn’t sure she’d wake up until she finally threw the covers aside and stalked to the window. Flinging it open, she scowled down at him.

  “Do you know what time it is?” Her voice sounded like it did when she sang, kind of raspy and, at the moment, adorable. Her frown deepened as she drew her eyebrows up, creating a crease along her forehead. Her hair was still in a ponytail, but some of it fell down around her shoulders.

  “Can I come in?”

  She squinted at him without her glasses on. “Sure, but I’m going back to sleep.” She turned around and stalked back to her bed.

  Avery climbed through the window. “Wait a second before you pass out on me.

  “This is not the hour for civilized conversation. You have about thirty seconds before you’re going to lose me.” She blinked up at him from her perch on the edge of the bed.

  “I need us to not be awkward anymore. I just took my father to rehab, and I could really use my friend, Nari, right now. I need one of your hugs, and then I’ll let you go to sleep.

  “Rehab? Avery, that’s great.” Nari stood and wrapped her arms around him. “I know it’s got to be hard seeing your dad like that, but was it his idea to go?”

  “Yeah, I found him packing his bags, and he asked me to take him before he changed his mind.”

  “I’m so glad. This is a good thing, Avery.” She leaned back to look up at him. “And you know, no matter what happens with us, you can always count on me as a friend.”

  “Thank you, Nari.” He pulled her close, resting his chin on top of her head. For the first time in years, Avery felt hope stirring in his chest.

  19

  Nari

  Friends. Nari shook her head as
she looked out her window, watching Avery and Becks stand on the sidewalk talking and laughing. If she was really okay with the friends thing, she’d go out there and join them. Eyeing the coat draped over the back of her desk chair, she chewed on her bottom lip.

  Last week, Avery showed up at her window saying he didn’t want the awkwardness between them. She didn’t either, but she didn’t know how to be any other way, not when she wanted him to see her as something other than a friend.

  So, why had the stupid idea been hers?

  Probably because she didn’t actually believe she could have more and being the first one to realize it was better than rejection.

  She turned from the window. There wasn’t time to hang out with them, anyway. Her dad was due home any minute, and she’d asked her parents if they could talk this evening. She’d expected it to be over dinner, but her dad had a late class and hadn’t made it home.

  The slam of the front door echoed through the house, and Nari sucked in a breath. She’d practiced what she wanted to say, but preparation didn’t make her any less nervous.

  She twisted her hair into a messy braid, letting it hang over her shoulder with strands breaking loose to fall into her face. Now or never.

  Leaving the safety of her room behind, she walked through the house, feeling as though she made her way toward her own noose. Morbid? Yes, but she couldn’t help thinking of how they’d suffocate her with their words.

  What was the worst they could say? No? She was eighteen, and once she graduated high school, she could do what she wanted. But she didn’t want to do it without them behind her.

  No matter her sometimes strained relationship with her mother, she loved her parents more than anything, and it would kill her if she had to go to Nashville when they were against it.

  In the front room, she stood back watching her mother greet her father after his long day. He let out a contented sigh as he kissed her, and it tugged at something in Nari. Her parents might be a bit odd, but they loved each other. The best part of her dad’s day was seeing his wife. The only thing close was seeing Nari. He always let her know that with the smile he sent her way.